WWE Superstars TV report
WHAT WORKED
Main event for tonight is John Morrison versus CM Punk in a non-title match, which should be very good if given time. These two have had seemingly hundreds of TV matches over the year.
Time for the Dear Divas segment, which rules. This week’s questions: In a mixed tag, which WWE Superstar do you want in your corner? A Bella wants Rey Mysterio, Natalya opts for Edge (sucks to be her team), Michelle McCool keeps it in the family with a vote for Kane, and the beautiful Layla pays tribute to continuity by throwing her support behind William Regal. What kind of music gets you pumped up in the gym? Jillian, looking very surprised, says that Britney Spears gets her pumped up. Kelly Kelly, clearly watching her WWF tapes from the early 2000s, is all about Limp Bizkit. Maria is down with Nas (nobody’s perfect), Rosa Mendes chooses the entire genre of techno music, Eve is even less specific than that, and Katie Lea does not go to the gym. “It bores me.” What? This was awesome.
Main event time! The Miz is doing commentary and actually wearing a shirt and tie. Lookin’ spiffy, Cleveland! Chain wrestling to start between Morrison and Punk, working off a headlock. Morrison goes back to it time and again until Punk finally takes over with kicks. Morrison flapjacks him and hits a standing shooting star press for a two count. Back to the headlock, Punk suplexes out of it. To a chin lock we go, and Miz is positively charming in his berating of Todd Grisham. Punk dumps Morrison out, as good an indication as any that we’re about to hit a break! During the commercial, John Morrison was suplexed chest and ribs first on the steel steps. Gross. Punk working a body scissors in the ring and now going for multiple pin falls, each falling just short of three. Punk baseball slides a prone Morrison in the ribs, sending him back to the floor with a splat. Punk goes to suplex Morrison back inside from the apron, John floats over, rolls Punk up, not enough there, Punk cuts off the Intercontinental champion with a knee to the bread basket. Short two count, and Punk goes to an abdominal stretch variation. Punk runs himself into the post when he gets a little overzealous in his pursuit of victory, and Morrison comes back with rights and lefts, getting the better of the former World champion. Cool sequence where Punk whiffs on a head kick and takes one to the back of the head from Morrison, all in one motion. Punk goes for a dragon sleeper, turns it into a reverse suplex and floats over for a near fall. Frustration starting to show in Punk’s face and actions. He pounds away on Morrison in the corner, nails the running knee in the corner, but Morrison throws him off on the bulldog attempt. John gets a near fall of his own after a running knee to the seated Punk. Morrison signals for Starship Pain, Punk crotches him on the top turnbuckle and climbs up after him. Morrison fights him off, going for Starship Pain again, but now The Miz interferes to stomp Punk in plain sight of the referee. Punk wins by DQ, and man alive do I ever hate that ending. The Miz, who has a match with John Morrison coming up at Breaking Point, causes Morrison to be disqualified by attacking someone he has no beef with. Letter of the law and all that, but it’s such a bad shortcut. This was coming together beautifully up until that. Morrison lays Punk out with a springboard kick after the match, just to be a jerk, I guess. Play that man’s music!
WHAT DIDN’T WORK
WWE really ought to work on varying their theme songs a little bit. It all seems to be in the same basic genre. A minor thing, but when it’s the first impression you get of a show, it kind of sticks with you.
Our opening match this evening features Mark Henry versus Chris Masters. A spot on Team RAW at the Bragging Rights pay per view is on the line. Masters has a nice spray of fireworks on the ramp, but is severely lacking in the Three-Six Mafia theme song department. Masters sort of wins the opening lockup. As if. Mark Henry quickly has enough of that and takes over with shoulder blocks. Masters bails after two of them and thinks about it. Back in, Masters takes over with very decent right hands but is cut off when he tries an Irish whip and gets clotheslined. Nerve hold from Mark to slow things down. Lawler says “trapezoid muscles” and I weep for the Memphis electorate. Masters goes to the gut to take over on Henry, which calls into question his capacity for strategy. World’s slowest, ugliest sunset flip attempt follows and Mark sits on him. Masters bails again and this time Mark gives chase. A power slam attempt ends up with Henry going shoulder-first into the ring post. And we go to … a commercial break? For Chris Masters versus Mark Henry? I’ve never seen this “Superstars” show before, but is this typical? If so, I may not be the man for the job. Back from break and Mark is bear hugging Masters in the middle of the ring. I hate that. They show footage from what happened during the break that led to the Masterpiece being in this predicament but is it too much to ask for the same guy to be on offense before and after the commercial block? Anyhow, Masters yanks on Henry’s hair to break the bear hug and aims a dropkick at his wrapped up knee. Masters stays on it, taking Henry down with a chop block for a near fall. Masters goes for the Master Lock and it’s no dice, so back to the knee he goes. Chris actually uses some punches to the knee to mix things up a little bit. Henry comes back with slow motion clotheslines and a big head butt. Goes for the World’s Strongest Slam but his knee is a little tender and Masters escapes. Chris hits the ropes and runs right into a second attempt at the WSS, this time paying off. Henry rolls over, gets the pin, and more importantly the spot on the Bragging Rights team. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to take Chris Masters seriously or not, as it was really just an extended squash for Mark Henry.
Kozlov and Zeke are walking backstage, one of them preparing to face Tommy Dreamer. It’s Kozlov. I kind of feel bad for Ezekiel, and really any wrestler who has to stand at ringside in their gear. You’d think Regal would be dressing his men better. Kozlov talks smack in Russian and Tommy ain’t havin’ it. Unfortunately, he’s Tommy Dreamer so this just causes him to take more of a beating. He does manage to head fake Kozlov into spilling out onto the floor and follows up with a nice baseball slide. An ax handle off the apron results in an unconvincing collision with the announce table as Kozlov regains control. Vladimir uses various arm locks to slow things down, and Tommy Dreamer inadvertently small package DDTs his adversary. Nasty. Vlad is back on the arm and this match is making me long for the Dear Divas feature. Tommy Dreamer’s comebacks are weird. Unlike most people who get cut off once or twice before making their real comeback, he never actually gets his real comeback. He does however, get to climb up top and get his arm meekly posted by Ezekiel Jackson, leading to a Kozlov slam and victory. Zeke with a slam of his own after the match, nearly losing Tommy in the attempt.
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