Wrestlicious Takedown Report
It’s been a long time since I contributed anything to this site. I quit the Drunkcast, quit writing the F4W Cruiserweight Version, I did not bother to write a second Vegas Road Report, and hell I’m not even going to the convention this year. With that in mind, I figured I needed to give back to this great community. Also, I figured everyone missed me and needed their dose of PEACHMACHINE~!
It is my honor to bring to you the weekly review of WRESTLICOUS TAKEDOWN~! As soon as I wrote that sentence above, I realized that I have to go back and re-watch the first three episodes, and (spoiler alert) they sucked.
Before I begin, I must explain how this will work. I will not be using the traditional star rating system for matches, as I don’t believe the intention of this program is to produce quality wrestling. In my opinion, this product is intended to give men boners. That’s it. There can’t be another reason. It’s not going to make any money, and no one is going to watch it more than once. The rating system will go from limp to full blown erection.
Episode 1 – 3/1/10
Segment 1
The show starts with a ridiculously long song, showcasing all the talent with highlights. We’re then introduced to the fool who put this disaster together funding it with his own Powerball winnings, JV Rich, and his segment entitled JV’s Crib. For some unknown reason, Jimmy Hart, 5 girls, and a police officer are standing in JV’s kitchen while Jimmy does the dishes. JV strolls in and asks what Jimmy is doing here, and he says that someone has to do the dishes. JV then tells him to clean the pool too. So I guess JV is taking advantage of Jimmy Hart’s generosity or he works for JV and JV doesn’t know it? Whatever. One of the girls runs off (who we’ll meet later as “Felony”) and the police officer chases her.
This show then jumps the shark, 1:06 into the first episode, with the amazing rap, written by Jimmy Hart who repeatedly yells “wrestlicious” into his megaphone. Watch this on youtube. It’s well worth it. It introduces you to the following chicks and their gimmicks: Tony Da Top (da goddaughter), Gloria or Glory (patriot), Maui (hot Hawaiian), Draculetta (vampire), Lacy Von Erich (terrible wrestler), Candy Kisses (Hannah Montana), Jimmy’s Angels (Cobra, Viper, Anaconda – Charlie’s Angels), Super Nova (superhero), Cousin Cassie (country girl), White Magic (voodoo witch), Malibu McKenzie (surfer), Lil Slim and her body guard (gangsta rapper? Lil Kim? Hopefully she also doesn’t have to get her stomach pumped) Sha Na Na (50’s gal), Boot Camp Bailey (drill sergeant), Layla Milani (host), and JV Rich (foolish promoter) – The song lasts 3:14, but hey, we know some people now. Early odds favorite are Boot Camp Bailey. In the song they showed us 17 wrestlers, 1 host, and the owner. We’re going to keep a tally of new girls introduced that were not on the song.
Segment 2
Some producer goof meets up with Candy Kisses who makes a joke about her music being bad and she bag tags him.
Candy Kisses and the Gumdrops (Gumdrops were not on the song) come out and perform some awesome lip-syncing to a song that has a lot of wrestling words. The announcer tells us that she is lip-syncing and the fans boo her. I guess she’s a heel.
After a commercial break, we get the announcement that there will be a 20 girl over the top rope battle royal to determine the number 1 and 2 contenders. The first three entrants are Brooke Lynn (Jersey girl Snookie and not on the song), Sierra Sheraton (Paris Hilton rich snob, also not on the song), and Lacey Von Erich.
The Takedown Spot light: Autumn Frost “Stone Cold Stunner” (Glacier and Steve Austin crossover? More importantly is that she was not on the song). The spot light segment works like this: A girl stands at the waters edge and does some sexy poses for an eternity.
Match 1: Tony Da Top vs. Maui
The commentator must have been paid by JV Rich to sit down and write every conceivable pun related to the gimmicks and cram in as many as possible during every match. He must also have worked for TNA because he explains absolutely everything and leaves nothing to the imagination. Tony Da Top wins with the “Sleeps with da fishes” aka the Juvie driver in about 20 seconds. Flaccid.
Segment 3
Cousin Cassie is at Dr. Gross’ office and asks to get glasses but Dr. Gross doesn’t believe in them because he only drinks straight out of the bottle.
Segment 4 – Bandita’s Cantina (Mexican chick, who was not on the song)
A customer asks her if there is a roach problem, and she replies that all the rats ate them.
We’re then informed that we get to vote on the name of the 20 Girl Battle Royal, and that three girls have given us options. Felony (criminal, not on the song) demands “Hard Justice” (yes, a TNA PPV), Cousin Cassie wants “Hoedown Throw Down,” and Bandita wants Viente Chica Eliminacion. I have not idea what that could possibly mean. You can vote at wrestlicious.com.
Match 2: 6 Person Tag
Heels: Maria Toro (bullfighter, not on the song), Bandita, and Felony hand cuffed to Officer Bubba
Faces: Tyler Texas (cowgirl, not on the song), Cousin Cassie, and Charlotte (southern belle, and finally, not on the song)
Horrible wrestling forever, heat on Tyler, hot tag to Charlotte, timing botch, Maria Toro hits her with the Bull Run (brainbuster?) behind the refs back and Felony pins her. Cassie is gorgeous but the rest of this was miserable. Sem.
Final Thoughts: The wrestling is obviously secondary, to the overall sex appeal, which is also minimal. Yes, the girls are hot but it’s so goofy and campy that it’s not really erotic in any way except probably to Ed who is a pervert. They did some good things and have some clever gimmicks, but introduced too many characters. Hell, they showed us 17 girls on the song and only 3 were on this episode and then they showed us 10 more new girls throughout this show! This doesn’t even count the referee cheerleader dancers, Layla, or the extras on the segments. Ridiculous. I hope all the indy girl wrestlers get there soon and take some of JV’s money before this pit collapses, like that house in that movie with Tom Hanks, Apollo 13. Anyway, I liked it ok and give it a sem and a half. I can’t believe I just wrote this much on a 22-minute girls wrestling show.
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