Heat and Velocity TV reports for 5/7 with Nathan Hubbard




HEAT Vs VELOCITY

Velocity
(Commentators - Josh Mathews & Steve Romero)

Paul Burchill (w/ Shelly) Vs Road Warrior: Burchill now has his very own 'buxom wench', who is Shelly Martinez from OVW, and is actually kind of scary looking. I'd rather have Burchill board my boat than her. (DING!) I don't mean that in a gay way. Animal forces Burchill into the corner at the bell and gives a slap upon breaking. Burchill replies with a slap of his own. Then they trade shoves and Animal beats on the Pirate in the corner, until Burchill fights out and knocks Animal down causing him to leave the ring to catch his breath. Back inside, Animal is taken down again with a drop toe hold, and Burchill starts to work over his arm. After Animal goes back to his favourite offensive move (push into corner, hit) he pokes the eye of Burchill and throws him onto the bottom turnbuckle. Burchill tries to make a comeback but is clotheslined and booted down as Animal plays to the crowd. Animal continues to pound on Pirate Paul until he misses a really crappy splash off the second turnbuckle (it looked he was trying to do Scotty 2 Hotty's worm - and I don't mean that in a gay way either). Burchill knocks Animal down a few times and is once again making a real effort to get the crowd behind him. One more knockdown, and Burchill gets a two count after a standing moonsault. After some rope-running and clothesline-missing, Burchill jumps into an Animal powerslam for the three. All I can do is wonder why.

Bobby Lashley Vs TJ Dalton: Dalton is a surfer dude with no shoes on. That can't be a good idea. Lashley starts off fast but soon runs into a boot, well a foot, in the corner. Dalton tries a clothesline but it doesn't faze Lashley, who picks the surfer dude up and press slams him followed by a spear. Lashley holds Dalton up in a delayed vertical suplex for a while, (one-handed for much of it) before hitting the Dominator for the easy win.

Gregory Helms Vs Mike Alteri: This would be Mikey Batts, also from OVW. Indeed, 'Mike Alteri' has the initials 'MB' emblazoned all over his ring outfit. They wrestle for arm control; Helms tries a headlock but Mikey takes him down with a headscissors and gets a one count. Alteri counters a wheelbarrow into an armdrag and lands on the apron as Helms tries to throw him out. He flips back in over Helms' back but is caught from a crossbody attempt and swung round into a backbreaker. Alteri fights up off the mat and is then thrown down again with a handful of hair, but he fights out of an Eye of the Hurricane attempt and shoves Helms into the corner. Helms reverses Alteri into the ropes, but Alteri slides under Helms and gets a two from a roll up. Alteri tries a monkey flip, but Helms just shoves him down, hits a neckbreaker and his Shining Wizard followed by the Eye of the Hurricane (or whatever he now wants to call it) for the three.

Matt Hardy Vs Orlando Jordan: Hardy first has to fight with his t-shirt, but he overcomes that obstacle like the winner he is. Hardy starts by out-wrestling OJ and getting a quick two from a roll up, then they battle for arm control. Hardy wins this battle as well - he's on a roll. Jordan fights back with some right hands and slides Hardy ribs-first into the ringpost. There's more ribs on ringpost action on the outside, and back inside OJ gets a two count. Jordan surfboards Hardy's back, and knocks him down as Hardy fights free. Jordan now stretches Hardy's back over his knee, but he allows Hardy up and gets hit with a reverse DDT. Hardy knocks OJ down with a pair of clotheslines, then clotheslines him into the corner and bulldogs him out of it for a two. Jordan tries to fight back but gets nailed with the Side Effect for another two. Hardy looks for the Twist of Fate, but OJ pushes him off and hits a spinebuster for a two of his own. Hardy pushes OJ into the corner but runs into an elbow: Jordan can't capitalise, however, as he jumps into Hardy's boot and the match-winning Twist of Fate. Well, this wasn't a very good main event, but it had an exciting finish, and the crowd still seem to love Hardy.


Heat
(Commentator - Todd Grisham)

Akio Vs Charlie Haas: Obviously Haas re-signed, but Akio I'm not so sure about. They should get him back, he's bloody good. As the match begins, it becomes clear that noone in the arena is as excited to see this match as I am. The initial quick exchanges are fought to a hush, but Akio manages to get some crowd reaction with chops and a hella cool spinning back kick to the jaw in the corner. Akio whips Haas into the ropes and looks for a leapfrog, but Haas raises his hand and slams Akio to the mat. Haas bodyslams Akio, sits him up and kicks him in the back/chops him on the front thricely for a two count. Haas tries to control Akio on the mat but he gets thrown into the turnbuckle and Akio kicks him in the back of the head as he flings himself over the top rope. This is followed up by a missile dropkick, and Akio rolls into a submission where he bridges and pulls back on Haas' neck. Haas gets up and elbows his way free, but Akio kicks the back of his leg to take him down to one knee, and then hits a leaping kick to the back of the head. Akio chokes Haas on the ropes and puts him in a sleeper hold: Haas side suplexes his way out earning himself a little rest. Akio has a bloodied nose (They're not in Kentucky are they?) but Haas doesn't hold back as he elbows and clotheslines him down hard before single-arm flipping him over. Haas runs into a boot in the corner but then ducks another cool looking spin kick and hits a big boot off the ropes causing Akio to take a flip bump. Haas picks Akio up and reverse DDTs him for the victory. That was perhaps the most enjoyable match I've seen on Heat since I first started reviewing it for f4wonline about six months ago, and it came from two guys who the wwe saw fit to fire.

So, how can Heat manage to throw away this week's point?

Matt Striker Vs Brian Jennings: Striker tells us that today's lesson is that you do not disrespect him, because he is our teacher. "And I do not love poop." You know, saying that someone loves poop is childish and simply not funny, and anyone who would say that has no penis and loves boys. To prove my point, someone is shown chanting 'you love poop', who clearly has no penis and very probably loves boys. (It was a girl). Striker dominates the match working over Jennings' arm. There's not much to write about, but Striker is doing OK. Jennings comes back with a couple of roll ups but Striker trips him into the corner and gives him a good slapping and a running face scrape. Striker finishes the match with the Golden Rule.

Big Show Vs John Moxley & Dick Rich: (Handicap Match) The two jobbers don't have to tag in this match, but funnily enough Show manages to beat them both easily. He slaps them, he throws them around, he stands on them, he headbutts them, and finally he chokeslams them (seperately). Well, it's better than having Big Show in a long match.

Viscera Vs Lance Cade: It's fast-forward time! Cade has had a slight image/attitude adjustment: he has dark hair and less fancy clothes, and he throws his vest at Lilian Garcia who is none too pleased. He's like an angry Blackjack. Viscera throws him around, Cade tries to come back but he can't knock Vis' down, more stuff happens, Viscera tries to bum Cade, Cade escapes the ring and gets dq'd as he twats Vis with a chair. Whatever.


Well Heat tried their best to lose the point, but even Viscera can't outweigh the goodness that was the opening match of the show: it really is worth a watch, and I don't say that about a Heat match very often. Or ever. And in case anyone cares, Todd Grisham did a perfectly acceptable job on his own. Velocity was disappointing, and I really have no idea why Animal, sorry, the Road Warrior, ended Burchill's little winning streak. Worse than that, he did it completely clean. I'm tempted to take away Velocity's fifty-point bonus from last week because of it, but I shall rise above.


HEAT - 10
VELOCITY - 63.5


Nathan Hubbard
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DING!

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