Heat vs. Velocity for 5/26

(Commentator - Todd Grisham)

Rob Conway's Music Vs Charlie Haas: "Ain't I a sight to see? The whole damn world wants to look like me. But they don't." Absolute genius. If the match is half as good as the music, this could be a strong start to the show. After some shoves, Haas wins the early exchanges, but gets elbowed in the face for his troubles. Haas reverses a hiptoss, scores with an armdrag and dropkicks Conway to the outside. Haas chases Conway around the ring, and once back in Conway avoids another dropkick and kicks a seated Haas in the back. He might get some payback for that later. Conway picks Haas up but gets kicked to the corner, where Haas runs into his elbow and gets punched down to the mat. Conway side suplexes Haas into the turnbuckle, bouncing him forward to the canvas, then waits for him to rise and kicks him in the back again, getting a two count in the process. Conway throws Haas corner to corner, with Haas taking one of those scary Benoit style bumps, before locking in a headlock. With the crowd chanting his name, Charlie wastes no time escaping the hold, and headbutts Conway's stomach, but as they come off the ropes Conway ducks a clothesline attempt and hits a swinging neckbreaker for another two, followed by another kick to the back. Haas fights up off his knees, and boots and clotheslines and elbows the Conman down, followed by a back body drop. This leaves Conway in the perfect position for Haas to hit his three hard kicks to the back, and one to the front. Haas then scores with his inverted DDT for the win by pinfall. I liked this match, especially the way they spent the match setting up a spot (Haas' kicks) which you don't often see in these five minute matches. Hopefully Haas will get some kind of proper chance to impress on Raw, because he can, and because then I can go back to ripping on Heat for being crap.
Winner: Charlie Haas (Time 5:50)

Victoria Vs Melissa Anderson: Supposedly Victoria has had her image tweaked. Well, she's wearing black and she's not hanging round with a retarded whore (screw you Paul, I'll write what I want) anymore, so that's an improvement. Melissa is not cheerleadered up as she usually would be. They tie up and Victoria uses her strength to force Melissa into the corner, giving her a slap upon the break. Melissa runs at Victoria, wrings her arm and gets the crowd behind her with her aggressive style. After running at Victoria again, Melissa this time runs into a powerslam, which gets Victoria a two count. Victoria shows her aggressive side too as she boots Melissa in the side of the head, and picks her up by the hair. Still holding the hair, Victoria hangs Melissa over her back, having to break the illegalness on the count of five. Vic' holds Melissa up for a delayed vertical suplex and floats over for a two, before putting on a chinlock and adding a legscissors on the mat. Melissa fights up and tries to elbow her way free, but gets slammed down again. 'Toria uses the hair once more to pick Melissa up, and she finishes her off with the Widow's Peak for the three count. Twas only a short match, but it was good. I liked the aggressiveness - they actually looked like they were trying to hurt each other, which is often not the case in women's matches in the wwe, (especially with the likes of Torrie and Ashley). I like Victoria, still a shame about the face though. Mind you, as a wise man once said: 'you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're stoking the fire.'
(Winner: Victoria (3:20)

Eugene Vs Devon Nicholson: With Victoria and Eugene on the same show, this must be some people's dream card. Well, one person's at least. Eugene gets upset at the start of the match, because his opponent is mean to him. Eugene cheers up as he twists the arm, then avoids a shot in the corner and crawls away through Nicholson's legs. Eugene ties himself up on the mat, then moves out of the way of an elbow drop and butts heads, doggy style. Then Eugene does what you would expect him to do when he is pretending to be a dog. Devon tricks Eugene, and clotheslines him down hard, before mauling him on the ropes and in the corner and getting a two count from a bodyslam. Devon tries to ram home his advantage by ramming Eugene's head into the top turnbuckle, which funnily enough doesn't do the desired damage, instead causing some Eugene'ing up, some big punches and an airplane spin. After recovering his own sense of balance, Eugene sends Nicholson off the ropes, but bends over too early and gets kicked. However, Eugene recovers, kicks his foe in the gut and delivers a stunner for the win. Eugene is totally like a broken record. I've been waiting for him to turn into an angry retard for so long, I've all but given up hope.
Winner: Eugene (3:27)

Carlito Vs Lance Cade: Carlito has mucho support, but his 'fro looks kind of square today, which is not cool. Back and forth action to begin, with Cade scoring with a back body drop causing Carlito to scurry to the corner and beg off. Carlito is the face, by the way. Cade (the heel) allows Carlito the time to recover, then gets a slap in the face for his kindness. Carlito runs out of the ring, Cade chases him around and gets dropkicked upon re-entry. Carlito tries a pescado to the outside, but Cade catches him and rams his back into the ringpost. Back in the ring, Cade hits a backbreaker and gets a two count. Carlito comes off the ropes with a kick and throws some left hands, but gets clotheslined down hard for another two. Cade locks on an abdominal stretch, but Carlito fights free and comes off the ropes with a high knee and knocks Cade down with a couple of clotheslines. Carlito is reversed into the ropes, but he ducks a clothesline and hits his springboard back elbow for a near fall. Cade comes back into the match and pummels Carlito in the corner, but is distracted as the ref pulls him away allowing Carlito to take a bite of his apple. As Cade returns to Carlito, he gets a face full of apple, and one backcracker later and the match is over. This was better than I had expected: Cade showed a lot more than he has done in recent months. I figure he realised it was much more likely someone important in the back might be watching this match, as opposed to his normal tussles with Goldust and the like.
Winner: Carlito (4:58)

A much better Heat than usual. No, really, it was proper good.

(Commentators - Josh Mathews & Steve Romero)

Gunner Scott Vs Lawrence Tyler: Full marks to Lawrence Tyler for his beard. Gunner Scott's beard is just there, with no personality, quite like Gunner himself. A good lesson to learn there for young Gunner: working on a personality is important, and it takes time and commitment - just like growing a beard. After losing the battle of the beards, Scott fights back by dominating the match early as he outwrestles Tyler for arm control, then stomps him down in the corner. Tyler is thrown across the ring and clotheslined down for a two count. Scott hits a nice dropkick for another two, but then misses a charge into the corner and gets suplexed by Tyler for two. Gunner gets physical with Larry and Side Russian Leg Sweeps another near fall. Tyler kicks his way out of a whip into the ropes, follows up with a clothesline and puts Scott in an armlock: Scott gets to his feet, but is thrown down again. Tyler continues to work on the arm until Gunner elbows his way free, and Tyler comes off the ropes into Scott's belly to belly overhead throw, followed by three shoulder tackles and a side suplex. Tyler then tries to flip all the way over from a German suplex, but very nearly breaks his own neck, then kicks out of the cover. Scott tries to fire up the crowd, then hits a DDT fo the win. Just like Gunner's beard, there was nothing technically wrong with the match, but it was just, you know, there.
Winner: Gunner Scott (Time 4:53)

Gregory Helms Vs Shawn Osborne: Helms has either had his entrance music remixed or I'm just not used to hearing it for more than ten seconds. The match starts and Steve Romero sounds surprised that the crowd seem to be making genuine noise. He's not the only one: come on crowd, this is a wwe cruiserweight match on Velocity, sit on your hands as usual please. Osborne knocks Helms down early, but Gregory scores with an elbow and comes off the middle rope with a missile dropkick to turn the tide. Helms chokes Osborne on the bottom rope and gives him a kicking in the corner, then takes it to the mat with a reverse chinlock. Osborne makes it up, and catches Helms coming off the middle again with a shot to the gut. Helms fights back and hits an unprettier followed by the Nightmare on Helms Street for the win. There was nothing special about the match at all, but at least they kept the crowd into it. For over three minutes.
Winner: Gregory Helms (3:39)

Just a Big Loser: A clip from wwe.com is shown of JBL complaining about his 'quitting' of SmackDown. He says that what he said was not a binding verbal contract and that he will fight the decision, yada yada yada. He also complained of some injuries: apparently he can't feel his right hip. Why would he want to? "SmackDown needs me. And SmackDown needs to know - I will be back". Whoopee-doo.

Jamie Noble & Kid Kash Vs Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki: Josh Mathews points out that although Kash and Noble are wearing collars, they are holding their own leashes. Where's Francine when you need her? According to reports, Funaki was knocked out for two minutes in this match. Will that be at all noticeable? Kash and Noble attack at the bell, but Funaki bulldogs Noble and the two of them start the match proper. Funaki and Scotty work over Noble's arm, until Scotty is sent off the ropes and knocked down. Kash comes in but is immediately hiptossed by Scotty, then again for good luck. Scotty grounds Kash, but Kash gets to the corner and starts a-pounding. Scotty fights his way out of the corner, punches Kash across the ring and hits the mounted counted punches in the opposite corner. Kash has his hair like Shannon Moore: it's certainly a style that Kid Rock would never wear, that's for sure. Kash and Noble take back control of Scotty, and Noble pushes Funaki off the apron. Scotty tries to fight and get the tag but he's stopped, and Kash stretches him on the mat. Kash knocks Funaki off the apron again to take us to a break. As we come back, Noble has Scotty in a neck vice, but Mr 2 Hotty gets to his feet and eventually fights free, finally making the tag after backdropping Noble. In comes Funaki with a crossbody over the top and an atomic drop for Noble and an en zuguiri for Kash. He splashes Noble in the corner then rises to the top rope, getting a two count with a crossbody - the cover being broken by Kash. Scotty throws Kash to the outside, but is then caught by Noble's DVD into a gutblower (I think I just made that up). Funaki gets a two on Noble with a small package, then looks for a Tornado DDT but is shoved down by Noble, who dropkicks Funaki in the side of the head (aah, that would be where Funaki got hurt I guess). Noble picks Funaki up for the powerbomb/bulldog combo and the match is won. A decent finish to a decent show.
Winners: Kash & Noble (9:00)

Two good shows all round, which is a real rarity. Even rarer is the fact that I actually preferred Heat over Velocity. This is very pleasing seeing as Velocity is soon to be dead, and Heat shall remain forever. Hopefully Heat will continue in this vein, and I won't fear Sunday mornings once Velocity disappears. HAH! Who am I kidding? Viscera, Trevor Murdoch and Goldust will be back next week and Heat will get back to it's usual crappy self. But for this week, Heat gets the point. They're going to have to do alot to catch Velocity though...

HEAT - 11

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