CMLL en FSE Report for August 27th

By Jose Payan
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CMLL en FSE Report – Week 3
Roll up your favorite George Washington bill, 'cuz it's time to snort your weekly CMLL fix.

Joining you as always is yours truly, su servidor and the only man in the Empire that oozes Latin Style, and I'm in a glorious mood. Why you ask? Well, because I celebrated Cruz Azul's victory over Chivas Guadalajara by making CARNE ASADA~! I went down south to my hometown, Ciudad Juarez, and bought chuletas de lomo. I grilled them to perfection, ate too many, and probably had one too many cervezas – but I don't care! It was a great celebration to a great victory. Best of all, I won a bet and kept my hair! The world has one more bald Chivas fan.

Well, I just turned on the old idiot tube and FSE is showing MLS. This is irritating. If they're going to delay CMLL, they should at least show good football.

Five minutes left in the show, so that means that the show should start at least 10 minutes late. I don't even know how much stoppage time will be added. Hopefully no more than two, because there have been bookings. If this game cuts into CMLL, I'll be pissed. It looks like there's a penalty that favors the Columbus Crew. Eddie “Graven,” I think that's his last name, fucked up and New England's goalkeeper, Reis, parried the ball out of the field. CHOKE! Eddie will get lynched in the locker room. WE'RE IN STOPPAGE TIME! Blow the whistle and end this sorry game, ref! Time for lucha! FIVE MORE MINUTES?! FUCK YOU, you fucking goof! I want my fucking CMLL en FSE!


Three minutes left. End this already.


Huh, Chivas USA is third in its group. They still suck.

Anyway, enough shitty MLS, time for LUCHA~!~!~!~~~!~!~!~!

Once again, Blue Bikini Girl welcomes us to CMLL. She's hot.

We join Announcer Guy Leobardo, who is backtracking the path fans take to Area Coliseo. He's in a BUS. No chickens near him; just some kids fighting for screen time. Leobardo missed his exit! You goof! We cut to Announcer Guy Adolfo Rivera, who is in front of the ticket booth. He takes us to a flea shop filled with lucha merchandise: belts, maks, figures, and t-shirts. Then we cut to ringside and join the rest of the announcing crew, Julio Cesar and Sasha or Shara or something like that. They sell tonight's matches as the new blood of CMLL.

Black Warrior likes Chinese buffet. Did he go to SUPER CHINA BUFFET DAY~? He says that the fans .

Stuka, Virus, y Leono vs. HOOLIGAN~!, Nitroglicerina, y Canek Jr.

We join in progress as the second fall starts with Stuka and HOOLIGAN in the ring. Hooligan's gear looks awfully similar to Ultimo Guerrero's. I hope that doesn't mean anything. Maybe he found Rey Bucanero's Guerreros de la Atlántida gear in the trash and decided to use them. That'd be a cool storyline. Anyway, we get the standard second-fall rudo beatdown on all the faces. Virus is the captain, so los rudos have to defeat him to win the fall. Canek Jr. shoulder-tackles Leono out of the ring. Virus comes to “make the save,” so all three rudos gang-up on him. Virus eats a spinebuster by Hooligan and bails out of the ring. Stuka rushes to the ring, but... well, you know. Hooligan's senton eliminates Stuka from the fall. Leono is the next victim and Nitro 'pinebusts him into a hold for the submission. Only Virus is left, so the rudoes take him out with an awesomely whacky three-man submission called LA CARRETA~! Los rudos win the fall and they soak the fan's culero chants. Stuka, Virus, y Leono ? - 1 Hooligan, Nitroglicerina, y Canek Jr.

And that's all we get to see from that match, because we come back to an announcer talking to Dos Caras Jr. Caras promises that he'll finish Black Warrior TONIGHT for stepping into his path.

The heel announcer is with Black Warrior. Heel Announcer puts over the fact that Warrior defeated Místico last week. Warrior says that he'll take out anyone that steps in his way, no matter if it's Místico, Dos Caras Jr., or any other goof. Why? “Because I have more class than anyone else,” finishes Warrior.

Dos Caras Jr. vs. Black Warrior

Black Warrior wastes no time and attacks Dos Caras, who is posing in a corner of the ring. ¡PRIMERA CAIDA! Warrior FOULS~! Caras with a headbutt to the groin. He teases Caras, who is struggling to get back to his feet, and boot him right on his face. Warrior tosses his opponent into the entrance aisle and tosses him to the ground. Caras is disoriented. Warrior dumps Caras on the apron and kicks him back to the ring. However, Caras is CARAS'ING UP. Warrior puts and end to that by kicking Caras on the knee. He follows up with a sling-shot legdrop. HERE COMES THE MASK RIPPING. Warrior eventually lets go and kicks Caras' head. He continues to punish Caras by choking him against the middle rope. A spine buster sets up a figure 4 leglog for Black Warrior, but Caras rolls him up with a small package out of nowhere to steal the pin. Dos Caras Jr. 1 – 0 Black Warrior. Warrior, pissed, attacks Caras as the referee raises his hand. Referee commands Warrior to stay away and checks on Dos Caras. Warrior yells “ORALE” to the fans.

¡SEGUNDA CAIDA! Dos Caras is in the middle of his comeback, but Black Warrior bails. Caras follows him and brawls with his opponent on the aisle. He snapmares Warrior and kicks him right on the back of Warrior's neck. Casas follows up with a bodyslam right on the unforgiving concrete aisle.. Caras poses and tosses Warrior back inside the ring. MORE MASK RIPPING. The referee pulls Dos Caras aways and yells at him. Dos Caras points to his mask, showing the referee that he was simply returning the favor. Caras hits a shitty spinebuster and signals for a figure four leglock. This looks familiar. Warrior then counters the submission with a small package to win the second fall. The's the same finish as the last fall! How fucking lazy. This has been a rushed, shitty match so far, which means that they've saved all the big spots for the third fall. Returning the favor. Caras tells ref that he's favor. Shitty spinebuster and goes for the figure four. Dos Caras Jr. 1 – 1 Black Warrior. Dos Caras can't believe it and argues with the ref.

¡TERCERA CAIDA! Dos Caras is thirsty for reveng, but Black Warrior bails. Dos Caras doesn't cares and dives over the top rope to take out Warrior. The announcer notice that Caras injured his knee. Warrior sees that and tosses Caras back inside the ring and applies a back-cracker submission. Since Dos Caras won't tap, Warrior releases the hold. Caras is first o his feet and no-sells his knee injury. “SI SE PUEDE,” chant the fans. Warrior connects with a clothesline, but Caras no sells and swivels his pelvis. Warrior gets annoyed and hits another clothesline, Caras once again no-sells it and swivels his pelvis even more. Caras grabs his junk and tells Warrior that he has the biggest balls. Well, he is bigger. Warrior is flabbergasted and runs to the ropes, but is superkicked. Warrior ducks something and Caras is dumped outside. He runs and lands a TOPE SUCIDIA. Both guys are down and out. Warrior crawls back to the in the ring and gets to his feet. Dos Caras follows and avoids a senton. He starts Cara'ing up. Black Warrior counters a huracanrana into a powerbomb for a near fall. He then rolls up Caras and puts his feet on the ropes for extra leverage, but Caras kicks out. Warrior is too busy complaining to the referee to notice Caras sneaking up behind him and gets school-boy'd, but kicks out.

Warrior is mad and rushes towards Caras. Caras takes down Warrior with a drop toe hold and rolls Warrior with a magistral for another near fall. Now it's Caras' turn to complain, and he also gets rolled up for a near fall. What's the story here? That Caras and Warrior think alike? Or that they want to beat the other guy with their own moves? Or is it that they were just lazy and were doing the same spots over and overa gain? Warrior walks away from a bronco buster, (like Samoa Joe walking away from a top rope splash) and yells at the fans. He climbs to the top and a guillotine legdrop gives him a two-count. Warrior can't believe it. Caras takes out his elbow pads and IT'S ON. BOTH GUYS TRY TO GET THE CROWD TO CHEAR FOR THEM. Warrior says, “¡a la chingada!” and hits Caras right on his jaw with a spinning elbow. Warrior celebrates with his PELVIC THRUSTS~! He turns towards Caras and gets lifted. Caras turns a Military Press into a German suplex! He holds the bridge! 1! 2! 3! Caras picks up the win! Dos Caras Jr. 2 – 1 Black Warrior. Caras wins a shitty match! Warrior gets his heat back by beating up Caras.


On paper, this looked like weakest show so far and boy did it meet my low expectations. The first match was most likely cut down due to the shitty MLS game going over its time limit. I don't think I missed much, though. The main event was going to make or break the show, and it broke it. Note even Black Warrior's pelvic thrusts could save it. To be fair, the main event was a better match than the worst of Smackdown's worst, but it was bad by CMLL standards. Hopefully CMLL will rebound next week.


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Black Warrior ripping Dos Caras Jr.' mask Dos Caras Jr. returning the favor
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Black Warrior tries to submit his opponent VIVA LOS RUDOS!
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TOPE SUICIDA~! Dos Caras Jr. celebrates his win

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