What is up? Young mother Hubbard is away on business this week, and as a result, I have been moved over here to fill in For One Night Only. And then one more time after that if DX wants to siphon off all my overness. Monday Night War with Todd Martin! I'm gonna run you out of business, cocksucker!
Date: 12/11/06 from Uncasville, Connecticut.
The Big News: Ric Flair is back already, having taken a whole two weeks to sell his Gruesome Death that emotionally rocked DX. Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas have reunited and, on top of that, it feels so good. At Armageddon, John Cena teams with Bati... actually this went unmentioned.
Match Results: John Cena beat Armando Alejandro Estrada; Carlito & Jerry Lawler beat Chris Masters & Viscera; World's Greatest Tag Team beat The Highlanders; Triple H NC Edge; Triple H, Shawn Michaels & Ric Flair beat Edge, Randy Orton & Kenny; Victoria beat Torrie Wilson; Umaga beat Jeff Hardy (ref stoppage); John Cena beat Johnny Nitro
Show-oh:
Whoa oh
Whoa oh
Whoa oh
Whoa oh
Welcome everyone to the Mohegan Sun Casino. They were going to do Raw Roulette again, but Russo stole the gimmick wheel to use for every match he books.
Tonight: Triple H vs. Edge. Yeah right!
Brrrrrd abadoo. John Cena emerges. According to Jim Ross, Cena just got back from Iraq. Whoa, WWE has an exit strategy. A pensive Armando Alejandro Estrada is out next. He gives a somber "everybody listen to me," sans "ha ha" because this is no laughing matter. Armando has had a week to think about it, and it's evident to him that nobody wants to see this match. The crowd vociferously sort of disagrees. Estrada wants to call the match off, and has brought Cena some, como se dice, 'peace offerings.' He peace offers him a box of cigars. Cena examines a cigar and breaks it. Fuck you, Big Tobacco. Cena's MySpace: "Drink/Smoke/Take Steroids: no/no/no."
Estrada tries to offer Cena the watch off his wrist, but Cena doesn't need it because HIS TIME IS NOW. He twists it apart, once again demonstrating his inability to tell a wristwatch from a wristlock. Estrada's final attempt is with a wad of hundred dollar bills, or at least a single hundred dollar bill folded around the exterior. Cena leaves the ring, but only to give the money away to the fans. Well now they're gonna need that million dollars from TNA. Hey, there's a Joey Mercury impersonator in the front row.
Cena returns to the ring. "Kick his ass!" chant. Como se dice ... "¡patea su burro!" John takes Estrada's hat off and stomps on it. Fuck you, Big Haberdashery. The bell rings.
THE MARINE vs. OSAMA
Estrada goes right for brass knuckles, but Cena catches his swing, removes the knux, and politely hands them to the ref. Cena opens up Estrada's shirt and slaps him. Head to the buckle. Ten punches in the corner. FU. 123. I don't know that destroying Armando this week, two weeks after the feud started and three weeks before the PPV match, is the natural way these angles are supposed to progress.
After the match, Cena applies the STFU, as if to say "F U-maga." That's kind of cruel. Who should break this up but Johnny Nitro, by kicking him in the face. Nitro retreats up the ramp, where Melina presents him with a microphone. "Did you like that, Cena? That's exactly the type of move that I'm teaching the man who's going to beat you come January 1st, Mr. Kevin Federline." He taught him a kick to the head? My god. Malone has mastered the Diamond Cutter.
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Backstage, Todd Grisham catches Cena as he comes through the curtain. Cena challenges Nitro to a match tonight. Clearly he is not aware of just how baller Johnny Nitro is.
Behold the King. Apparently Lawler is working once again.
CARLITO (w/hose father is known for covering up massacres) and JERRY LAWLER (w/hose daughter is ... oh, that's not his daughter) vs. VISCERA (w/o Haas) and CHRIS MASTERS (w/o mass)
"A large man in pajamas and a jacked up guy who has never had his Masterlock broken," J.R. describes them as. These teams are so ridiculous that I will make not one but a long series of jokes:
1) parejas increibles between green guys and sex fiends.
2) my dream team of Full Nelson and Never Full Nelson Frazier,
2a) a.k.a. Masterpiece Eater,
3) versus "Caribbean King" (by Austin Idol).
4) Carlito and Lawler became friends after Carlito showed Lawler his "Spit or Swallow" t-shirt and Lawler laughed for ONE HUNDRED YEARS.
Sign: Samoa Joe Sucks. I will take that under consideration. Heels get the heat on Lawler, but he makes the comeback and hot tag by ... kicking out of an Arrogant Flexing Pin by Masters. Carlito comes in for more Adventures In Spots With Carlito & Vis. Masters goes for the Masterlock on Carlito, but Carlito drops down before he locks it and kicks him backwards into Viscera. Carlito schoolniños Viscera and Masters elects to walk towards a Lawler punch instead of breaking up the pin, 123.
Tonight: Triple H vs. Edge. Not.
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We check out the interior of the Mohegan Sun Casino so that a victorious Lawler can celebrate with some very clever jokes about Indians and casinos. Like the one about the gamble by Johnny Ace (a gambler's name for sure) on Tatanka being good at wrestling when he wasn't in the ring with Kurt Angle.
He lost that bet.
Backstage, Cryme Tyme is playing Three Card Monte and bilks the Highlanders out of their money money, yeah yeah. I'm Robbing! This must be foreshadowing the debut of their new partner in cryme, "Three Card" Monty Black. Charlie Haas interrupts and calls them pathetic for "perpetuating racially negative stereotypes. It's pathetic, it really is, man, I'm disgusted, I'm OUTRAGED by the way you disgrace the black man with these Cryme Tyme antics." Ahahahaha. "Cryme Tyme antics"~~~.
JTG rebuts Haas by, oh gosh this is so great, talking in the voice of a nerdy white fellow. Shelton Benjamin shows up and tells Shad that he feels sorry for his mother. Oh no 'he didn't' just 'go there!' Shelton: "Tonight, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin reunite. The World's Greatest Tag Team is back!" This ... gets a pop! Awesome. The crowd supports them in their stand against negative stereotyping.
Haas tells the Highlanders that their first match is against them. Charlie: "Dy-no-mite! Fo shizzle!" Oh good, I was worried that we were going to go a week without the uproarious joke of white people hilariously talking like the black man.
Last Monday, Kenny interfered in the main event and then received the Kenny treatment.
Backstage, Edge& Killer are conversing, probably about an awesome Lita's Box y Luchagores concert. Kenny walks in and takes credit for their victory last week. They disagree and tell him that tonight he'll see a lesson from Edge in what it takes to beat DX. I hope he has a better strategy for defeating them than "partake in even worse skits."
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Next Monday: "A Raw so massive it has to be 3 hours, featuring the biggest battle royal in Raw history." Ross and Lawler explain that next week's show will feature a 30-man battle royal, with the winner getting a title shot against John Cena later that night. A 30-man battle royal for a title shot, what a unique idea for WWE to utilize in late December/January.
THE HIGHLANDERS vs. TEAM RACIST ANGLE
The chyron claims that they're merely "Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas," but Lillian does indeed announce them as the World's Greatest Tag Team. It's kind of funny that Shelton now finds himself in the same spot he was in when he was first put on the main roster exactly four years ago, but the (Self-Proclaimed) WGTT being back together makes my heart grow three sizes. In fact, I'm going to write a fan fic taking place between last week's Raw and this one where Shelton's Momma convinces them to make up and be friends again.
WGTT gets the heat on Robbie, then cuts off Rory when he's tagged in. Shelton kicks Robbie in the face, knocking him out of the ring, then, woo hoo, the World's Greatest Leapfrog Over Haas' Back Onto A Guy Guillotined On The Ropes. Rory staggers back and Haas schoolboyeeeees him and pulls the tights, 123. Black and white working together towards a common good to battle racist stereotypes. Best babyfaces, 2006.
Next: Triple H vs. Edge. Alright, if you say so.
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This Week In Wrestling History: December 13, 1988. Superclash III. Jerry Lawler vs. Kerry Von Erich in a title unification match. That's just what they need is new ideas for screwy finishes. Apparently, Lawler "even went so far as to use a foreign object." No way.
At New Year's Revolution, it will be D-Generation X vs. Rated RKO in, what's this, a 'tag team' match. Hunter comes out to "(Time to Play) The Game" for the first time in a long time.
EDGE (w/o Christian for TNA) vs. TRIPLE H (w/o Christian against T&A)
Wow, Hunter is flying. He knees Edge off the apron and then tackles him in the aisleway. HHH is moving faster here than he has in months. Then Orton comes out and ... oh. Jumps him and the bell is called for. Michaels runs out to even the odds, then Kenny runs out and odds the evens. RIC FLAIR makes the save. Good Christ he was out for two weeks. The faces clear the ring and Jonathan Coachman orders a six-man tag to take place ... now! Sweet fuck, three weeks worth of angles and matches all burned through in three minutes.
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OLD-X vs. RATED R-2K-O
The faces pinball Kenny for a bit, then Flair spits in Edge's face and makes Kenny tag him in. Edge bumps around for Flair, Ric goes for the figure-four, but Orton dropkicks him mid-spinning toehold. Edge holds him down for the Garvin Stomp, which has now been creatively renamed the "Orton Stomp" "Legend Kicker." They get the heat on Flair until he chops Edge as he's jumping off the second rope. Tag to Michaels, who runs wildishly. He hits the superkick on Edge, but Orton immediately lays him out with an RKO. Both guys are out as we break.
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Back with Michaels and Orton a-slugging. Michaels hits a swinging neckbreaker and they're both down. Orton tags in Edge, who goes right to the top rope, but Michaels ducks a crossbody. Tag to Hunter, tag to Kenny (the guy getting the pin and the guy doing the job). Hunter clotheslines Orton over the top, backdrops Edge over the top, spinebuster on Kenny, tags Flair? Well I'll be. Ric goes for the figure-four, but Edge and Orton break it up. Hunter and Michaels chase them out of the ring. Kenny goes for the figure-four on Flair, but Ric small packages him, 123! A shoutout (kids) to the Bryan and Vinny finish. Very good match.
Afterwards, Edge spears HHH and the heels get their heat back on the faces, wait, nevermind, they set up a conchairto on Shawn but Hunter gets the sledgehammer, ducks Edge's chairswing and then sledgehammer trumps chair. RK-dOanE retreats. Hunter smashes Edge's chair some more and then throws it at him. See, in wrestling, the hand game of strategy and chance is actually "Rock-Chair-Sledgehammer." The rules are that Sledgehammer smashes Chair, Chair knocks out Rock, and Rock beats Sledgehammer by becoming a mainstream success and making Triple H really jealous.
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Backstage, Johnny Nitro and Melina are in their dressing room talking to K-Fed on a speakerphone. K saw what happened between Nitro and Cena tonight and says it looked real good, and that Nitro is going to bitchify Cena. Coach comes in. "Hey K-Fed, what's up. It's your boy, the Coach." "Who?" Woh woh woh. Coach tells Nitro and Melina that he's booked Nitro vs. Jeff Hardy in a cage match for New Year's Revolution. They walk off to talk business and leave K-Fed hanging on the speakerphone. "If someone's there, say something." Ron Simmons walks in and, baha, this is actually a great one of these.
Damn.
Wow, apparently, you can have a letter you write to a soldier in Iraq hand-delivered by a WWE Super Star or Diva (no Extremists permitted in a warzone, no Vixens allowed in an Islamofascist country). All you have to do is go to WWE.com and also to back in time from before all the wrestlers left for and subsequently returned from Iraq.
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Last Monday: Victoria beat up both Maria and Mickie James. Man, she really ain't the lady to mess with.
Backstage, Torrie is fretting with Chloe Kiddog. She's apprehensive about getting in the ring with Victoria. Carlito shows up and isn't very concerned or reassuring, but does give her a long gross open mouth kiss.
VICTORIA (w/ her bad self) (w/ her bad self) (w/ her bad self) (w/ list, marker) vs. TORRIE WILSON (w/ breasts, barker)
The checklist is placed on the announce table. Yeah, Maria is also on my list of things to do. Haha, right? Like, with sex. Victoria dominates, natch, and in fact bites Torrie's fingers and then spits a nail out. The Widow's Peak is a bit of an adventure and we also get a widow's peek at Torrie's netherpanties. 123. This program rules. GIVE THE WIDOW'S PEAK TO CHLOE. GIVE THE WIDOW'S PEAK TO CHLOE.
Aww, instead Chris Masters comes out and puts Torrie in the Masterlock. Oh sure, after Victoria softens her up, mr. tough strong. Lawler starts to make the save but Carlito does indeed run him off. If I was Torrie, I'd be like "yeah, I sure ended up being fine out there, huh, Dick Head?"
Stapp Infection! A Creed ballad means it's beginning to look a lot like Tribute to the Troops time. Some footage of wrestlers hand-delivering the letter I'm going to write to a soldier tomorrow. Wait ...
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WWE Rewind: Last week, Cena and Umaga had a brawl that got so out of control, they had to call the Samoan SWAT Team.
non-title match? assumedly?: UMAGA (w/o Armando) vs. JEFF HARDY (w/o hermano)
Unfortunately, it seems that the Hardy Boy and MNM reunions have been halted at For Three Nights Only. Come on, we just got Haas and Benjamin back. I'm holding out for the three-brand-spanning reunion of La Resistance. Or Rosey coming in as Umaga's son.
A minute or so in, Jeff hits Whisper in the Wind and we go to break.
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Back. Jeff dives off the apron and Armando sort of shoves him away. Back in, Umaga controls for a while then misses a top rope splash. Jeff goes for the Swanton, 1 2 Umaga presses him off. Jeff is startled and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Umaga shoves him off and hits a Samoan drop. He hits an assvalanche to the face in the corner, then another. Announcers convey that without Estrada here, Umaga doesn't know how to end a match. An oldie but a goodie.
"He can't go no more! He can't go no more!" The ref stops the match. Surprisingly long at more than ten minutes, and surprisingly good. Certainly, however, the bout to stylistically incorporate MMA finishes into would be Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy.
Umaga seems briefly happy but then delivers a third assvalanche. Ref tries to intervene so Umaga grabs him by the neck and gives him the Samoan Spike. Then he picks up Jeff and spikes him like he was his drink at the rave that he went to sometime or something like that.
Next: Cena vs. Screama.
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non-title match? assumedly?: JOHNNY NITRO (w/o Mercury) (w/ Melina [w/ silicon]) vs. JOHN CENA (w/ gold)
Cena tackles Nitro right away and pounds on him until Melina pulls him out to safety. Cena follows and takes a fake swing at Melina that she flinch bumps on. Then he clotheslines Nitro and rolls him back in. He goes for the FU, but Nitro rakes his eyes. A dropkick sends Cena over the top rope. Nitro throws him into the steps and gets the heat. They do a lengthy sleeper spot.
Nitro hits a front layout ... back suplex? for 2. MNMoonsault lands in the vicinity of Cena for 2. Cena starts his comeback by, well, by ceasing to sell anymore. Five Knuckle Shuffle. FU. He can't go no more! 123.
Cena stands triumphant, and the announcers run down his dozen pressing obligations over the next month, save one, that being his PPV match at Armageddon on Sunday.
Next Week: 30 men, 3 hours.
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Final Thoughts: I know I like to "tell jokes," but I thought this Raw was, in fact, nice and good. I raise my eyebrows at rushing through angles like Cena vs. Armando and Flair's return (unhyped) and revenge match (unhyped) AND revenge so rapidly, but the booking is positively glacial compared to the competish.
The content was good. The wrestling was longer and better than average (three matches longer than ten minutes). And best of all, there was a noticeable paucity of DX obnoxiousness and a minimal amount of these Cryme Tyme antics. I guess that means V.K.M. is ... winning?
Nathan shall be back next week and hopefully so will Mickie James.
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