Nathan Hubbard wouldn't recap this show, I guess because he hates our fighting men and women. So I will fill in. This should be a hilarious read, then, because what's funnier than a warzone and a genuinely kind and gracious act.
The Big News: A tribute was paid to the troops. The Masterlock was broken for the first time ever.
Date: 12/25/06, taped prior, from Baghdad, Iraq
Match Results: John Cena beat Edge; CM Punk beat Shelton Benjamin; Undertaker beat Johnny Nitro; Bobby Lashley beat Bob Holly; Umaga beat Jeff Hardy; Carlito beat Randy Orton; Chris Masters beat Santa Claus (Masterlock Challenge); Jose Avila beat Chris Masters (Masterlock Challenge)
Woo to the hoo, a new Scott Stapp song for '06.
JOHN CENA vs. EDGE
Finally, the match I've been waiting for. Ross and Lawler acknowledge that they're voicing over from WWE studios. Hey, John gets his first unanimously positive reaction all year. Cena takes a bump off the top rope to the floor and we go to break. Back with Edge getting the heat. He applies a camel clutch, to which J.R. says, "how appropriate." I laugh uncomfortably. Cena avoids a spear, Edge hits the turnbuckle and gets FU'd. 123. What happened? The Marine happened! Lengthy match and good, obviously, 'cause these two can have a good match in their sleep by now and that even carries over to Iraq.
Lillian Garcia asks us to please welcome George W. ... oh no, not two weeks in a row ... Casey Jr. Phew. He thanks WWE and the soldiers.
The 410 Company -- the fightin' 410th! -- send Christmas wishes home.
A video montage of trooperstar interactions with the music of John Lennon of all people. Here I thought Fred Durst was the official poet laureate of Kevin Dunn. Umaga and soldiers hangin' out havin' a good time? What the heck.
CM Punk and Shelton Benjamin wish some happy holidays, then Shelton heels on ... his own family? and acts like he didn't mean what he said.
D-Generation X finds the Declaration of Independence (not that stupid wrestling website) and accidentally rips it up. What an awesome tribute to the US and A!
CM PUNK (Straight Edge) vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN (Hate Edgy ... racial comedy. yeah.)
Cryptic J.R. crypticism: "Benjamin's biggest enemy is between his ears." His mouth! His black skin! The match halts when a helicopter flies overhead, which gives Shelton an idea in the form of a one-jump superplex. Punk avoids a YJ Stinger Splash and gets the pin with a schoolpunk rollup.
JOHNNY NITRO (w/ Melina) vs. THE AMERICAN BADASS! THE UNDERTAKER
Haha MN have military paparazzi to photograph their entrance. They must be embedded. The lights do not go out for Undertaker's entrance as his powers do not carry over to The Sun. Nitro does a great job flying around for Taker's offense. He survives for a bit until chokeslam, tombstone, 123.
Earlier, Lillian Garcia sang the national anthem. I saw Lillian sing the national anthem at Unforgiven '01 shortly after the events of September the 11th. I also saw Jon Bon Jovi sing an acoustic rendition of "Living on a Prayer" at a John Kerry rally at the Carnegie Mellon University campus. But I was there mostly to see Ted Danson.
Aw fuck you, The Hitcher.
Michael Cole Reports: the mortar attack during the ring setup. I really wish Vince McMahon had been there when that happened and I don't mean that as a shot at him in the slightest. I just want to see Vince no-sell an explosion like he did with his torn quad. I think he would!
Hardcore Holly vs. Lashley is next. Oh man, giving away the big Wrestlemania title match.
BLACK LESNAR vs. HARDCORE HOLLY
Lashley hits a MILITARY press slam, appropriately! Crap, J.R. steals my joke right after I type that. Okay, Lashley hits a GUERILLA press slam, appropriately! Top that, buddy. Running powerslam, 123.
Here's a feature with an Iraqi Army Captain talking about how democracy is great. He cuts a promo on the insurgents. Holy shit, for the first time since they made the claim at the end of 2004, WWE actually is presenting on their television A Balanced Depiction Of An Arab Person Without Stereotype Or Prejudice.
Chris Masters challenges any soldier to accept his Masterlock Challenge. The United States does not condone torture!
Montage of more trooperstar interactions. Torrie was proposed to by three Iraqis! She and Kidman are still meant to be, damnit. Chris Masters says his fiancee's brother is stationed in Iraq. OMG, Chris Masters and Chuck Palumbo are engaged.
Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy is next. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to bring Umaga to Iraq? Did they have to put him in a cage?
The 447 AG -- the fightin' 447th! -- says hi.
MY SAMOAN BULLDOZER UMAGA (w/o Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. TNA BACKSTAGE DOZER JEFF HARDY
Oh my god look soldiers it's Osama yeah that's totally Osama remember how his name used to be ... hey, they didn't even bring him. Well damn, that would've been a sure thing. Jeff blocks the spike and gets the Twist of Fate, but the Swanton hits the knees. Yeeouch. Assvalanche and Samoan spike. Oh wow Umaga learned how to pin people when he's by himself. 123.
Mr. Art Myers delivers the 2.6 millionth letter to the soldiers. The 2.6 millionth letter is Z-1,000,000. A little alphabet humor, gang.
Carlito shares an apple with a female soldier. Getting back at Torrie and her new Iraqi loverboys I see.
CARLITO (w/o his dad [w/ WWC]) vs. RANDY ORTON (w/o his dad [w/ Hep C])
No Randy Orton AWOL jokes, because I'm all class. It's not the "Orton Stomp," it's the "Legend Kicker," you son of a bitch J.R. RKO is blocked, Carlito goes for the backcracker but Orton holds onto the ropes. Randy tries to cover but gets caught with his feet on the ropes. Carlito gets a reverse cradle and holds the tights, 123.
Maria, Kristal, and Torrie tell Santa Claus that this year they have been naughty, not nice, i.e. they had a ton of hot sex.
Michael Cole Reports: the building of the impromptu arena for this show.
Oh hey, Santa Claus is here. Ce n'est pas Sylvan! JBL doing a JBL promo as Santa -- or is that a Santa promo as JBL? -- is something to behold. What, they couldn't bring ECW Extremist Balls Mahoney to play Santa again, hahaha arcane references to the past. Santa calls down his elves, and sadly it is not Orlando Jordan in costume but rather Maria, Kristal, and Torrie. After the requisite ho, ho, and ho joke, they hand out some Shopzone stuff, as well as ... a bra and a panties (the body armor of the sexy).
This feelgoodery and brapantery is interrupted by Chris Masters. He hates Christmas! He doesn't believe in Santa Claus! He calls the troops a buncha marks for Santa and goads him into a Masterlock Challenge.
Masterlock Challenge: "JOLLY OLD ST. NICHOLAS" SANTA CLAUS (w/ presents) vs. "THE MASTERPIECE" CHRIS MASTERS (w/o presence)
Santa passes out. :( Masters then delivers one of the great heel lines of all-time: "Boo hoo, poor Santa Claus. Looks like there's no Christmas." I take back the crack about his presence because that was definitely a masterpiece of a statement.
Now Masters challenges the biggest, toughest, strongest soldier to take the Masterlock Challenge, and he picks out of the crowd small li'l Jose Avila, who looks about 5'8, 150 lbs. I apologize in advance to Staff Sgt. Avila for my parenthetical joke but, well ...
Masterlock Challenge: JOSE AVILA (w/o weapons of mass destruction) vs. "THE MASTERPIECE" CHRIS MASTERS (w/o mass)
Really these mass jokes are no longer that true, but who doesn't love it when a word mean two things. Avila gets tossed around, but Santa re-emerges on the apron and unbeards and unsuits, revealing himself to be ... JBL?!?!? He kicks Masters in the ass, causing him to break the Masterlock, and well how about that. Lillian: "The first man to ever break the Masterlock, Staff Sgt. Jose Avila!" JBL lays out Masters with the Clothesline From War (War Is Hell).
We close out with another video package. All we saw of Vince all night were brief shots of him during these clips. Big ups to him for not being all front & center this year with his bombastic statements. This was about as nice a one of these as you could hope for. God bless us every one.
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