JOHN CENA VS KEVIN FEDERLINE: (Non-title) It's the biggest match of the year so far. Ok so it's the only match of the year so far, but still, one shouldn't be so excited about this. I give the credit to Federline and Cena, not the writers, by the way. Cena is introduced first, and is made to wait for Federline's big entrance. Once that comes, Lilian has a special script prepared for her: "Allow me to introduce to you, celebrated recording artist, dancer par excellance, television superstar, he is an all around entertainment mogul, he is Kevin Federline". He is indeed.
Kev seems to have taken his ring attire inspiration from his opponent, except he has added a boxing style ring-robe with 'Team Federline' on the back. He has something to say. Apparently, he has spoken to Jonathan Coachman, who has agreed to make this a no dq match. With that said, Federline introduces his personal trainer, and friend, Johnny Nitro.
Plenty of stalling before the bell, as first Federline puts in his mouthguard, then some mma-style gloves. Of course, he has to take off his ring-robe, which he replaces with an amateur boxing head-protector. Finally the bell is rung, and the two mighty combatants circle. Cena offers federline a free headlock, which he takes and does his best to wrench, but Cena just picks him up and throws him to the canvas. Federline talks to Johnny Nitro on the apron, and takes off his gloves.
Nitro gives a chair to the ref, who sets it up in the ring. Cena sits on it, ready for a Fedsterlock Challenge. The hold doesn't exactly trouble the champ, who breaks free with ease. Federline removes his headgear. He is getting serious. Serious enough to look for a test of strength. Kev uses two hands against Cena's one, forces him to the mat and puts on a cross armbar. Cena pulls him up, as if to powerbomb him, but instead Federline is placed on the the top turnbuckle while Cena turns round to deal with the ring-invading Johnny Nitro with a clothesline and gives him a lift over the ropes to the outside.
Federline kicks Cena from behind near the nut region, but Cena hoiks him up in FU position. Kev is spared the fate as Umaga runs in and punches Cena in the throat, then pummels him on the mat. Arrrrrrrrrrrmando gives Umaga the belt with which the Samoan hits Cena in the face. Federline strolls in, checks Cena for consciousness, and makes a cocky cover. He takes his time to do this, so surely Cena will kick out. Or not...
Winner: KEVIN FEDERLINE (Time 4:55)
Heavily choreagraphed, well duh, but thoroughly enjoyable.
After the break, Federline and Nitro disappear into a room to celebrate. With some ladies. Maria knocks on the door to talk to the victor, but Melina stops her, challenges her to a fight, and slaps her. Hard. Maria looked pissed. Off. Inside the room, Coachman joins in the party, and announces tonights main event. It's Cena Vs Umaga. And Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmando Alejandrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada. And Coachman. And Nitro. I make that four-on-one.
Cryme Tyme & The Highlanders Vs Cade and Murdoch & The World's Greatest Tag Team: Cryme Tyme celebrate with some Miami Heat players at ringside, and steal Shaguille O'Neal's wallet. Black on black crime, disgusting. Look, it's four real, genuine tag teams, right here on Raw. Whatever next? Lance Cade and Rory McAllister start off, with Rory getting a one count from a cross body off the middle rope. JTG is tagged in, then the heels get the heat and C&M and Haas take turns to work him over. JTG makes the tag to Shad, who does what he does without looking terrible, so that was good. It all breaks down, and Shad pins Murdoch. Well that was what it was.
Winners: The Black and Scot Connection (3:24)
Jeff Hardy Vs Rob Conway: Conway interrupts Hardy's entrance, and informs us that he has a new year's resolution. He spent all last year losing (I watch Heat so I can confirm this to be true), but that's going to change. In fact if he doesn't beat Hardy tonight, he's going to quit. Well, he's going to quit Raw and move to SmackDown or ECW. Conway starts the match strong, as he beats Hardy down to the mat, but Hardy avoids a charge into the corner and rolls Conway up. La Resistance anyone?
Winner: Jeff Hardy (0:20)
As Conway throws a fit in the ring, who should come out but Vince McMahon, looking casualler than usual but still with the same purposeful strut. Conway applauds the boss into the ring, but I don't think this is going to end well for him. Vince says that 99.9% of new year's resolutions get broken, but he doesn't break his. He's going to stop being so nice, and not let people take advantage of him. Like Donald Trump, who stole a certain phrase from him. "Rob Conway - YOU'RRE FIRRRRED!".
Todd Grisham and his cool new haircut talk to Kenny and his stupid new surname about how he refused to shake Ric Flair's hand. Dykstra says he is the future of wrestling, and that deaths come in fours: James Brown; Gerald Ford; Saddam Hussein; and now Flair's career.
DX come out to the ring. They're not happy. They're going to beat up Rated RKO at NYR. They're wearing jeans. I don't care.
Melina Vs Maria: Victoria comes out to do commentary. She complains about being looked over for title shots for bikini models. Meanwhile, two bikini models have a shitty match. Shitty but quite funny, as Melina ties Maria to the bottom rope by her hair, which comes loose almost immediately, so Maria holds it there, quite blatantly. The ref even helps at one point. Victoria has a new, empty, space on her checklist by the way. Maria eventually makes a comeback, but misses a 'dropkick' and gets jackknife rolled up for the pin. Or that was the plan, but the girls lost their balance so badly that the ref didn't even bother pretending to count, and Melina had to do a more basic move for the pin.
Winner: Melina (2:13)
After the match, Victoria hints at going after Melina, but instead she makes a bee-line for Lilian. She is thrown into the ring and set up for the Widow's Peak, but THE MAGNIFICENT, MAJESTIC, MASTERFUL WORLD CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, MICKIE JAMES makes the save. Mickie kickie Vickie, but the challenger escapes the ring and scarpers. Both ladies put on their mad faces: angry mad for Mickie, and crazy mad for Victoria. I love this feud.
A video package for the 'Tribute to the Troops' is shown. I finally saw that show, and was interested to see Chris Masters in the main event, acting like he hated christmas. You can't spell Chris Masters without Christmas. Think about it. Or don't, whatever.
Ric Flair & Carlito Vs Kenny Dykstra & Chris Masters: Carlito is accompanied by Torrie and her Wilsons. Carlito busts out a 'rana on Kenny. Flair busts out some chops on Masters. Flair gets the figure four on but Kenny breaks it up, taking us to a break. As we return, Carlito has been cut off, and it's fine. Masters has learned a new suplex, a butterfly suplex of sorts, he now just needs to learn when to use it, because here it just happened. Paging William Regal.
Carlito hits his sloppy springboard back elbow, but Kenny throws Flair around outside before Carlito can get the tag. Masters looks for the Masterlock, gets it, and nearly puts Carlito out, but Flair manages to recover in time to break it up. Dykstra misses a splash in the corner, allowing Flair to be tagged in, where he busts out some chops. He looks for the figure four but a Masters clothesline stops that, and Chris and Carly battle away up the ramp. Kenny tries to use Flair's own leglock against him, but Flair kicks him off. It doesn't help the old fella though as Kenny gets a pin with his feet on the ropes.
Winners: Chris Masters & Kenny Dykstra (10:54)
Dykstra walks away triumphantly, but Flair gets on the mic and challenges him to come back and fight some more. Instead, Rated RKO come out and Flair tastes Orton's titular move. Edge and Orton tease another concerto attack for Flair, and actually get to hit it. Not that I'm complaining, but where were DX? Flair is tended to in the ring, but given recent angles and Flair's recovery time, he'll probably be on ECW TV tomorrow. According to Ross and Lawler, DX had left the building, because they had decided that Edge and Orton were not going to show up. I'll stick with kayfabe and just call them dumb mother fuckers.
Kevin Federline comes back out to the ring, and says that he told us all he was going to beat Cena, and he came through on his word. He sits at the commentary table to watch the main event.
Umaga, Arrrrmando Alejandrrrrro Estrrrrrrrada, Jonathan Coachman & Johnny Nitro Vs John Cena: Cena walks down with a purpose and heads straight for Umaga, taking him down quickly with a shoulder block but just getting a one count. Umaga makes a charge for Cena, but is low-bridged to the outside. Nitro comes in and pounds on Cena, but the champ quickly takes over and throws Nitro into the ringpost. A Samoan drop from a returning Umaga slows down Cena's quick start, and he is dragged into the corner. Umaga goes for a splash but Cena gets his knees up, onto which Umaga lands balls first. Cena has some fun with Coachman and Estrrrrrrrrrrada, then puts Umaga in the STFU. The crowd erupts, but AAE frees his man with the threat of a chair, only for Cena to grab the chair and use it on Estrrrrrrada, then Umaga, twice, which is cause for a DQ.
Winners: Not John Cena (2:15)
"Cena cheated" protests Federline. Brilliant.
Nitro runs at Cena, only to be FU'd for his troubles. Then it's Coachman turn. Cena sprints out of the ring and dives towards the commentary table, grabbing Federline, as the crowd goes apeshit. Federline is dragged into the ring, and it's an FU for him too, before Cena's music hits and he poses with the belt. Thankfully they remember to show Umaga at the end, because that is of course who he is fighting on sunday.
My Thruppence: I enjoyed the show. Mostly because I have the ability to gloss over pointless three minute tag matches involving the entire tag team division (but not the tag champs), to enjoy terrible women's matches, and to fast forward ten minute speeches by DX. Everything else ranged from fine to Kevin Federline.
You could argue that there was no point in Federline pinning Cena, and that it took away from the build for New Year's Revolution. You could argue that Cena got his hands on Umaga too much in the main event, and made him look somewhat less than the unstoppable monster he has been built up to be. But fuck that, Kevin Federline rules, the crowd enjoyed the bulk of the show, and, most importantly, I enjoyed it.
Sign of the Night: Someone had a sign saying they came from Italy to see Randy. I thought Italy was full of Randy.
Mickiewatch: Vickie Vs Mickie, New Year's Revolution, I'm stocking up on tissues.
Just in case Mickie loses.
One More Thing: Mickie James and Victoria in jeans = tremendous. DX in jeans = two old guys in jeans. Act your age guys, a nice sensible pair of slacks pulled up to your nipples should do it. And HBK, lose the baseball cap.
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