Raw TV report for October 22

By Nathan Hubbard
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(Commentators - Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler)

The show opens with Mr Kennedy alone in the ring under a spotlight. He looks at the candidates to fight Randy Orton at Cyber Sunday, comparing Jeff Hardy to Hillary Clinton (because they both have no testicles) and Shawn Michaels to Rudy Guiliani (because they both live in the past). Now let's see: politicians, Kennedy. Who could Mr Kennedy compare himself too? Hmm. I know, Ted Kennedy. Because, due to substance abuse, he has driven his career off a bridge. Actually, Kennedy chooses a different Kennedy, and asks not what he can do for the people, but what the people can do for him, ie, vote. But wait, there is a mysterious voice coming from somewhere in the arena...

"Yo. Yo. Hey Kennedy. Kennedy, over here dude." It's man of the people, Jeff Hardy, hanging around in the crowd, where he has noticed that Kennedy's approval rating sucks. Hardy points out that Kennedy has recently failed at passing himself off as a McMahon, and at kicking Jeff's behind, and he's also going to fail at winning the Cyber Sunday vote. Hardy polls the audience as to whether he should beat up Kennedy. They seem agreeable, so Hardy runs in and takes Kennedy down. Randy Orton comes down, and the numbers are too much for Hardy, as Kennedy holds Jeff in position for Orton to kick him in the head, but Shawn Michaels attacks Orton and chases him to the back. Left in the ring, Hardy clotheslines Kennedy outside, and dances to his music.

An enjoyable opening segment, mostly due to the second best promo of Jeff Hardy's career (his best being "Hey! That's my painting man!")

MICKIE JAMES, PAUL LONDON & BRIAN KENDRICK Vs Melina, Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch: Holy fuck, that's the greatest team ever. And the prettiest. If the stories of Mickie and Kenny's break-up are true, her and Kendrick would make a great lesbian couple. London and Cade begin the match, and it's the typical good action we see between these guys. Kendrick takes the tag and enters with a sunset flip over his partner for a two count on Cade, then Londrick make some quick tags which perturbs Mickie a tad so she tags herself in. As per the rules of the match, Cade has to back away and let Melina enter. Hopefully she and Mickie had an argument earlier because they fight best when they have some real life issues to sort out. They scrap, but not for long as Mick kicks Mel in the face causing her to scramble to tag Trev. Mr Murdoch takes it to Kendrick, and Cade carries on the beating. Brian hits an enzuguiri and dives for the tag to his male partner, who flies all around Murdoch, only for his pin attempt to be broken up. Melina joins in the fray, so Mickie dives over London to take her down and throws her out of the ring. Murdoch shoves Mickie onto her perfect arse, only to be mullered by a Cade lariat, which sets the stage for a London standing SSP for the face team win. But wait, did Trevor deliberately save Mickie from being decapitated? Mickie seems to think so, as she mouths 'thank you' in Trev's direction.
Winners: James, London & Kendrick (Time 4:24)

Diva Search: Back at the beach, the three remaining girls get to act as policewomenpeople and arrest Todd Grisham. Don't know what the point of that was, but Todd seemed to like it. For the first time, the girls are live in the building, and they line up to show their wares. I'll have the whore on the left please madam.

Jeff Hardy is in the back stretching, as Shawn Michaels comes to talk about their tag match later. Jeff wants to make an impression, HBK wants to superkick Orton for the third week in a row. Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas bother Cody Rhodes backstage, mocking him for his losses to Bob Holly. And why shouldn't they? Benjamin says that tonight Cody will be getting beaten up by him instead of Holly. Cody says that he respects Holly. No kid, don't do it. In an entirely different part of the building, Coachman is talking to William Regal about Hornswoggle. Regal agrees to give him a match with Horny, Coachman says no, he wants Umaga to face Hornswoggle.

Cody Rhodes Vs Shelton Benjamin: Prior to the match, we get a recap from last week of Rhodes getting slightly less beaten up by Holly than in previous weeks. Benjamin starts the match by attacking Cody's knee. Rhodes fights back and gets a two from a bulldog, but Haas runs the distraction allowing Benjamin to roll Rhodes up. Cody reverses the leverage and gets the win. You can guess what happens next, but I'll tell you anyway: Haas joins Benjamin in a post match beatdown of Rhodes, then an old, boring, balding cockwanger makes the save.
Winner: Cody Rhodes (1:56)

DH Smith Vs Carlito: Smith is in the ring introducing himself as the son of the British Bulldog, and he is dedicating his first match on Raw to him. Firstly: DH Smith? Does he have a brother called WH Smith? Secondly: he has a Canadian flag on his backside, and the British flag on his crotch. Naturally, his arse is bigger than his cock so the Maple Leaf clearly takes precedence. Thirdly: Is this it? He just turns up one week rather than having his debut built up? Anyway, Smith is good but still a little hesitant, so putting him with Carlito doesn't make for the most fluid of matches, but 'DH' gets to show off some power moves mixed with a touch of technical British style, and he looks pretty good. Carlito gets the heat with a springboard dropkick, and the crowd get behind Smith (with a section chanting 'Harry' - so much easier than 'DH'), as he fights back with European uppercuts and a pair of dropkicks, then gets a two with a Northern Lights Suplex. Carlito comes back with a springboard elbow and a crappy pin attempt, but gets caught on a floatover in the corner and planted with the running powerslam for the debut victory.
Winner: DH Smith (3:42)

Backstage, Candice Michelle and Beth Phoenix are standing awkwardly close to each other and having an awkward staredown. Then they awkwardly talk.

Umaga Vs Hornswoggle: Before the entrances, we are graciously treated to a look back at last week's shenanigans between Coachman and Hornswoggle, sped up and with H-I-LARI-O-U-S music. Coachman accompanies Umaga down to the ring, Horny appears from under the ring looking awful sad then runs away as fast as his tiny legs can manage. HHH's music hits, and out comes Hungry HUNTOR Himself. He and Umaga have a brawl, before officials come down to officially turn it into a pull-apart brawl. Umaga throws HHH over the announce table: HHH dives off the table onto Umaga. The brawl goes on and on, only being stopped by ad break.

I tell a lie, they're still going after the break.

Diva Search: Todd Grisham brings out the three finalists to the stage. Brooke is a thrillseeker who likes to ride motorbikes - fast. Eve is very intelligent, and is into running, aerobics and a little bit of kickboxing. Lena is a world class tandem surfer. One girl has to go home, and predictably it's Lena (she's foreign looking). Next week on Raw we'll find out the winner, I wonder if Brooke will have had a boob job by then? Todd gives both girls thirty seconds to state their case. Brooke says 'whoo' alot and generally blabbers; Eve says she has "the physical ability, the sex appeal, the mental." Indeed.

Kennedy and Orton have a chat. Orton tells Kennedy that he won't win the vote for Cyber Sunday, because people don't like him, so they should work as a team to take out both Hardy and HBK tonight. Kennedy says he'll do whatever it takes to win the match tonight, but after it, Orton might have more to worry about than a superkick.

SANTINO MARELLA comes to the ring with Maria and a copy of the special 500th edition of WWE magazine. Santino says that everybody is mentioned in there "The Rock, The Undertaker...Andre the French Giant, Jillian Garcia" and one guy who is mentioned 283 times - Stone Cold Steve Austin. One person who isn't mentioned? Santino Marella. Even Mantaur is mentioned, protests Santino, before being interrupted by another Jericho thang. Santino blames the interruption on Steve Austin, but decides he is too much a coward. A more physical interruption comes in the form of Ron Simmons, and we have a match...

SANTINO MARELLA Vs Ron Simmons: Santino lays in some leg kicks, but Simmons uses his strength to puch Santino into the corner. A cheap shot gets Santino the control, and he locks in a headlock on the mat. Big bad Ron fights his way up, but Santino kicks him in the nuts for the dq.
Winner: Ron Simmons (1:50)

Todd Grisham is standing by with HHH, who lets us know that he doesn't care what we vote his Cyber Sunday match with Umaga to be. HUNTOR give basic promo.

Candice Michelle Vs Beth Phoenix: (Women's Championship 2/3 falls match) This is the first ever 2/3 falls women's title match on Raw. Wowzer. First fall ends in little over a minute after Beth chokebombs Candice for the pin. After a break, Beth is still in control, and quite rightly so. Candice has a comeback, gets a couple of near falls and goes up top, Beth knocks the ropes, and Candice, for some unknown reason decides to drop onto her shins on the turnbuckle thus plummeting forwards facefirst. After the ref has a quick word with Candice, Beth drags her into the middle of the ring and gets the second pin.
Winner: Beth Phoenix (7:47)

Refs and a doctor gather round Candice.

Shawn Michaels & Jeff Hardy Vs Mr Kennedy & Randy Orton: HBK starts the match with Kennedy. They fuck up a swinging neckbreaker, clearly Kennedy's fault, the dickwad. Hardy is tagged in and gets a one count from an elbow to the head, but Kennedy avoids a splash in the corner and the heat is gained. Orton comes in and doesn't do much except stave off a Hardy mini-comeback. We don't have to wait long for the full comeback, and HBK is tagged in to run wild on Kennedy. Orton helps out his partner and they beat down HBK for a while. Orton and Kennedy don't exactly make an exciting tag team. Unless your definition of exciting includes 'methodical'.

HBK hits an enzuguiri and crawls over to his partner, managing to get the hot tag to Jeff, who takes down Kennedy and pounds on him. Orton breaks up a cover, but HBK sees him off with a pescado. Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind to Kennedy, but his Swanton attempt is cut off. Hardy shoves Kennedy back down, however, and hits a Swanton for the three.
Winners: Jeff Hardy & Shawn Michaels (10:10)

Orton stalks Hardy after the decision and looks for the RKO, but as Orton turns into the move, HBK's foot flies towards his face for the third successive show-ending Sweet Chin Music.

For my money, that was a more enjoyable show than they have had for a good few weeks. {plug}

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