WWE RAW
(Commentators - Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler)
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bryan Alvarez, or the f4w Empire as a whole.
Divas Halloween Costume Battle Royal: Funnily enough, this was horrible. All the girls were in their costumes from the Cyber Sunday contest, which, of course, was won by MICKIE JAMES. She doesn't win this though, instead it's Kelly Kelly who wins, then gets beaten up by Beth Phoenix. Luckily, it looked like nobody got hurt in the match. After all, what kind of man would take pleasure in a woman getting hurt?
Winner: Kelly Kelly (Time 4:09)
We get a recap of Randy Orton Vs Shawn Michaels from Cyber Sunday. Personally, I had no problem with the dq finish, coming as it did in the middle of the show and the (re)start of their feud. Also, it was a proper dq, not like John Cena failing to break by five in the corner. HBK comes out and thanks the fans for voting him in. He has some good news and some bad news: He knocked Orton out with Sweet Chin Music, but didn't leave with the title. Michaels asks for a rematch right now, which brings out Mr McMahon to say that as much as HBK wants the championship, he also wants revenge. HBK admits that to be true. They tried to make that very dramatic. McMahon grants HBK the title shot for Survivor Series. They tried to make that very dramatic too. HBK nearly superkicks McMahon, and looks very intense. That kinda didn't work.
Bob Holly & Cody Rhodes Vs The World's Greatest Tag Team: It's good to see the huge star Rhodes has become now that he has earned Holly's respect. Holly and Benjamin start the match. Nobody cares, but why the heck should they? Holly gets double teamed a little, then gets the tag to Cody, who comes in off the top rope to no reaction whatsoever. The crowd finally comes to life - with a 'Y2J' chant. It dies in time for Rhodes to DDT Haas for the win.
Winners: Holly & Rhodes (2:33)
Multiple replays are shown of Candice Michelle fucking up last week. On the bright side, a broken clavicle is a sign of a good time had on a Klingon wedding night. Beth Phoenix cuts a promo saying that all the time Candice spent on trying to improve was for nothing. Well I could have told you that.
Elsewhere, MICKIE JAMES talks to Trevor Murdoch, thanking him for saving her from the Cade clothesline last week. Trev' says he did it out of instinct: he doesn't take any pleasure from seeing innocent girls getting injured. WHAT KIND OF HEINOUS MONSTER WOULD? Lance Cade appears, so Mickie says her goodbyes. Cade questions Murdoch about what was going on, pointing out that Mickie is way out of Trevor's league, and saying that he needs him to remain focussed.
William Regal asks Mr McMahon about the wisdom behind tonight's handicap match main event between HHH and Orton/Umaga. McMahon knows that they can't afford any more injuries, but HHH is a special case. Also a special case is Hornswoggle, and McMahon wants a private word with him. He tells Horny that he needs to stand on his own two feet, and that is why the match has been made between Hornswoggle and Jonathan Coachman tonight. In order to be a McMahon, Horny needs to keep getting back up whenever he is knocked down. And as a McMahon, he needs to learn to be successful, and to be able to hate.
Jonathan Coachman Vs Hornswoggle: After the introductions, Lilian Garcia brings out a special guest referee - Mick Foley. Horny hugs Foley's leg and gives him a high five. Typical big man/little man stuff, with the high-pitched voices in the crowd seeming to enjoy it. Coachman accidentally strikes Foley, then hits him on purpose, knocking him down and going out to get a chair. Foley recovers in time to stop Coach from swinging it, then we get Socko and a mini Socko. A mini testicular claw Socko, that is. Hornswoggle hits the tadpole splash for the win.
Winner: Hornswoggle (3:38)
Todd Grisham's guest at this time is HHH. His new shirt doesn't look good even on himself. Regarding the handicap match, HHH says he always has an ace up his sleeve, and if he is going down tonight, he is taking Orton and Umaga with him.
Paul London Vs Lance Cade: Both men have their tag partners with them. These two always look good together in tags, so this should be good. I was right, it is good. At one point, Kendrick stops Murdoch from interfering by running into and across the ring and hitting a dive. Unsurprisingly, the match ends way too soon as Cade hits his sit down slam type thing.
Winner: Lance Cade (2:09)
The Highlanders come out after the bell and beat up L&K with a pair of Scot Drops as Cade & Murdoch watch on.
Jeff Hardy & DH Smith Vs Mr Kennedy & Carlito: Smith has a cheeky little face. Just thought I'd mention that. He's also the tallest man in the match. Tall, cheeky face - he's got it all. Kennedy and Hardy start the match, with Kennedy briefly getting control and tagging in Carlito. Jeff fights back and tags in DH, who Carlito lets rip on (I don't mean he farted on him, by the way). Smith clotheslines Carlito to the outside, and Hardy chucks Kennedy out as well to take us to a break.
Upon returning, Carlito has Smith in a leghold. Smith punches his way free, but Kennedy comes in to continue working over the leg. Lawler informs us that the D stands for Davey Boy, and the H for the Hart family. I guess it makes much more sense than using Harry, because, you know, that's just his name. Kennedy and Carlito beat on Smith for a boring few minutes, until the hot tag is made and Hardy wakes up the crowd. Kennedy breaks up the pin attempt after a Whisper in the Wind, but Smith sees him off and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and a Swanton on Carlito for the win.
Winners: Hardy and Smith (10:45)
SANTINO MARELLA comes down to make a formal complaint about the WWE travel department, who screwed up his flights so he was unable to be at Cyber Sunday and give Steve Austin a piece of his mind. The only good news is that his inflight movie was not The Condemned, because there are not enough sickbags in America...Santino is startled as Stone Cold's music hits. The crowd go crazy, first with joy, then with booing as Santino in a bald cap and Stone Cold outfit appears on the big screen to tell the in-ring Santino that he was right all along. Maria comes down and informs Santino that "He's gonna be here next week". This also gets the crowd booing. Santino guesses maybe she means someone from Philadelphia, like Tom Hanks with the Aids. Maria informs him that she means Stone Cold Steve Austin, who will appear live on Raw next week.
Diva Search: Todd announces the winner...Eve. Whoo.
The latest Jericho thing plays, this time with the phrase 'launch_19', and a challenge to 'break the code'.
Randy Orton & Umaga Vs HHH: Why would anyone be afraid for HHH in a handicap match? He starts off strongly by beating on Umaga inside the ring, and dealing with Orton on the outside. Back in the ring, HHH avoids a Umaga charge sending him onto Orton instead, then looks for a pedigree on Orton. Umaga breaks it up, and the two heels finally get on top of the one face. The crowd ignores HHH's mini comeback, but bursts into life as HBK runs down for the save and the dq.
Winners: Umaga & Orton (2:48)
Orton is thrown to the outside, and Umaga gets low blowed and sent to follow him. McMahon and Regal look on from backstage, with McMahon saying that things always turn out the way he wants them to. Next week, for one night only, we get the return of DX. Is McMahon the boss of DX now? Does this make any sense? Do I care?
If you want to know how good Santino Marella is: this show was full of some right stinking shit, most importantly right at the end, but because of Santino, I could only say this show was 'quite bad'.
{plug}
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