WWE RAW
(Commentators - Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler)
HHH opens the show, telling us all how utterly delighted he is to be the number one contender, and that he shall win the WWE Championship at WrestleMania. Randy Orton comes out to say nuh-uh. John Cena and his well-received new shirt join in the fun, as he calls Orton the only champion to lose his way into WrestleMania. Cena wants a rematch tonight. Orton says nuh-uh. HHH says he doesn't care who he faces at WM. William Regal comes onto the stage and makes a match tonight between Cena and Orton, not for the title, but if Cena wins he joins the WrestleMania main event in a triple threat match. HHH isn't down with that, so Regal makes HHH the ref for tonight's main event.
Jeff Hardy Vs Snitsky: (Money in the Bank Qualifier) Hardy has new music, so bad that I am now glad they didn't put the belt on him. As much as Jeff Hardy is the 100% right man to win the MitB match, I would love to see how bad Snitsky could be in that match. Well, he's pretty bad in this match for starters. I'll not go into detail, but suffice it to say Jeff wins.
Winner: Jeff Hardy (Time 10:27)
Mike Adamle brings out Shawn Michaels to announce Ric Flair's induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. JR calls Shawn Michaels a 'young man'. I guess everything's relative.
Paul Burchill Vs Super Crazy: Just a short taped promo from Paul and Katie this week, who apparently now come from Chelsea. If I understood Lilian Garcia correctly, Super Crazy comes from 'Two ton Pingu di banjo, Mehico'. Approximately three people chant 'Paul the Pirate' as Burchill takes control of Crazy by catching him on a floatover out of the corner, pressing him up in the air and kicking him on the way down. The Kerb Stomp gets the easy victory.
Winner: Paul Burchill (1:55)
Sexy Incest Rating: 1/10 - Must Try Harder
Randy Orton tries to convince HHH that they don't want Cena involved in their WrestleMania title match.
After replays of Big Show returning and getting fisted by Floyd Mayweather last night, the big fella comes out and apologises as he was 'asked to do' for 'going a litle too far' last night. Show calls Mayweather down to the ring, and "the greatest fighter in the world" as JR calls him comes out to a rather dodgy reception. Big Show apologises and offers his hand: Floyd hesitates but shakes it. Then he leaves. That was a little dull. Wait a minute, Big Show's talking again. Having done what he was told to do, Show has something to get off his chest, and says that if he wanted to, he could take Mayweather out in two minutes. Show challenges Mayweather to a fight, so Floyd runs back down to the ring and accepts.
Mr Kennedy Vs Val Venis: (Money in the Bank Qualifier) Hmmmmm, who shall win this match? Probably not the guy who didn't even get an entrance.
Winner: Mr Kennedy (2:27)
Mr McMahon Vs Hornswoggle: (Steel Cage Match) Finlay comes out with Hornswoggle, and remonstrates with McMahon to stop the match. JBL attacks Finlay and handcuffs him to the ropes. McMahon gives Horny a whipping with his belt, then leaves JBL to beat the crap out of the midget. Finlay can only look on and cry out for JBL to stop, which he finally does after a fallaway slam into the cage. Almost very dramatic, mostly surreal. You know, what with the midget and all.
Santino Marella comes out with a cat. Wait, that's Maria. Santino says he has some great news, and announces that Maria is, indeed, going to pose for Playboy. He has the contract in his hand. Also, we are going to get to see Maria in action, against The Glamazon...
Maria Vs Beth Phoenix: Before the bell, Santino shockingly discovers that Maria can only pose for Playboy if she actually beats Beth tonight. I would sooo much rather see Beth in Playboy: does that make me a gay? Beth dominates from the bell, with Maria barely kicking out of a cover, before a pig waddles down the aisle, distracting Beth and allowing Maria to get the rollup pin.
Winner: Maria (1:56)
Well that was also surreal: a pig rescuing a cat. Weird. Santino pretends to be happy, but really he's, you know, not.
Randy Orton Vs John Cena: I really need a wee. HHH calls the match down the middle. Cena wins with the FU and the WrestleMania main event is finalised.
Winner: John Cena (14:02)
HHH gives both guys a pedigree after the match, firstly because he is HUNTOR, and secondly because it would have been stupid not to.
{plug}
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