SmackDown is in Biloxi, MS as Batista opens the show for a two-on-one handicap match. Although it was disproved, I loved the internet story of Batista slapping his wife and her cancer upside the head for not doing the cleaning. Not because cancer is funny, but just for the absurdity, and the idea that maybe the two would come down and kick some Big Dave ass tonight. Sadly, the handicap here is Deuce and Domino, without Cherry who apparently will be in the Diva Contest later on. Oh, joy. Coach says that the match probably doesn’t favour Domino or “Douche”. Intentional, probably not. Still, hilarity ensued. Batista takes both men down early but is caught with a dropkick of sorts from Domino. I had to go to WWE.com to see a picture matched with a name because the new storytelling agenda of the announce team does not mention once which guy is which in the greasers team. This is one time where I’d kill for Mike Tenay to scream the “obvious” at me. Anyway, the match is as short as you‘d expect. Deuce is thrown to the outside and Domino is speared, spinebuster and Batista Bombed for the 1-2-3.
To the back, and Maryse is telling Cherry that The Greasers got their asses kicked. Cherry doesn’t seem to care and wants to leave, so Maryse brings up the SmackDown Diva Contest and can’t believe that she got eliminated whilst Cherry is still in. It ends with Maryse calling her a “dog”. Ouch.
Coming up later, The Undertaker faces Chavo Guerrero. Dictionary.com defines this match as… “see: Foregone Conclusion”
Teddy Long is in the ring to introduce the Diva Contest where the winner will receive a motorcycle courtesy of Johnny Fratto. Whenever I think of Fratto, I always think of “You know what to do. You KNOW what to do.” Five Meltzer-endorsed stars to whoever can identify the reference (e-mail at the bottom of the page). Long introduces the divas, including Eve who Cole says is a “Rubik-Cube genius”. This made me laugh so hard for a reason I have yet to discover. The others are Cherry, Victoria and eventual winner Michelle McCool. Tonight’s contest is an arm-wrestling contest.
Eve and Victoria are first. Victoria is absolutely fantastic with her trash-talking to Eve. She plays the total heel, making fun of her arms until Eve makes the Babyface comeback and nearly has ‘toria beat until she gets blown or spat at in the face (I couldn’t tell) for a cheap win which Long accepts. God, I hope she wins. Cherry and Michelle are next. I know that this contest is built towards making McCool The Deadman Layer a star for some inane reason, but I was hoping that Cherry would advance. She didn’t. McCool won clean. That made the final Victoria against McCool. Victoria was again amazing with her facials and groaning. She made McCool look like a star that she doesn’t deserve to be. As expected, Michelle won again, making her the winner. To add insult to injury, Victoria got voted off via fan vote. I call shenanigans. She was absolutely the best part of the contest and decided to take her frustrations out by attacking McCool, who then kicked her in the chest to the outside of the ring. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS GIRL A STAR. SHE FUCKING SUCKS.
A Floyd Mayweather video airs, looking back at his history. These videos are awesome and once again showcase just how far and above the WWE roster Mayweather really is. Why can’t WWE put this effort into their actual wrestlers in order to at least give off the illusion that they can match up?
This segues into a second video with “expert commentary” from guys like Evander Holyfield and Michael Buffer~! about the Mayweather/Big Show match. Once again, they’ve just added an extra God-knows how many thousand buys.
From there, it’s to the ring where The Big Show is ready to face three guys in another handicap match. His opponents are Luke Hawx and The Naturals, formerly of TNA. They show the clips from Raw of the punch to Chris Jericho, including a post-show interview where he tells Mayweather to call Wrestlemania “RIP” because he’ll never be the same again. TO THE MATCH~! And Show is just laying all three out with chops, clotheslines and whatever offence he can muster. Hawx is thrown almost in a chokeslam to the outside and the blond Natural is knocked with a series of boxing jabs and the one big punch they’re putting over, which scores the win for Show. The guy looks so damn good right now, physically and character-wise.
Coming up next: Your World heavyweight champion, Edge.
And here’s the champ, accompanied by his Rated R-my, Hawkins and Ryder. Nice to see Edge using the devil horns. I’ve always wondered why wrestlers never used such a prolific rock symbol. Edge’s opponent is Funaki. Long time no see. Can you believe, as pointed out on the F4W Board, that both Funaki and Edge are celebrating ten years in the WWE this year? They both debuted in May 1998, I believe. Edge pushed Funaki into the corner and then snapmared him down, smiling smugly into a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Funaki pushes the champ into ropes but is knocked down on the rebound. Edge tries to dodge a second rope attack but Funaki fakes and catches Edge with a cross body as he regroups. No sooner than that, Edge kicks Funaki right in the face and regains control. Funaki tries to crawl away but Edge stalks and stomps, eventually slide-kicking him to the floor and whipping him into the fan barrier. A corner attack is reversed into a Sunset Flip onto Edge for a near fall but is speared out of his boots. Edge goes for the pin but pulls Funaki up and runs his thumb across his throat akin to Undertaker, picking Funaki up and Tombstoning him for the win. I love that idea. After the match, the “Ultimate Opportunist” warns us that we will all find out what he is capable of by the end of the night.
The VIP Lounge is set up with MVP in the ring as we return from the break. The Money In The Bank briefcase is hanging from the ceiling underneath a ladder. MVP announces that Chris Jericho is tonight’s guest, and then talks about his US title and how the ladder represents the rise of his career. MVP claims that he is better than all the participants of the MITB match, which brings Jericho out. At this point, I notice (since this is the first ever VIP Lounge that I’ve seen in full) that the ramp has a bouncer. That’s a fantastic subtlety. Y2J says that he doesn’t like loud mouths with their own talk show, which does not get the reaction it should. Before he can introduce himself, MVP decides to take over and introduces him for us. He’s the Ayatollah, the man bringing sexy back to the WWE, and the guy who got knocked out by the Big Show. Before MVP can then introduce himself, Jericho takes over. He is a lucky man whose parents named him well. What if he was named Luther Octavious Samson Ernest Rogers? Or Jeremiah Antonio Cleavon Kelsey Albert Smith Schwartz? All this was shown on the titantron, just to hammer the joke home. MVP doesn’t appreciate the humour and makes it clear that he’s a man of action who will climb the ladder to the top and grab the briefcase. He actually climbs it and grabs the briefcase, but Jericho pushes the ladder down, sends MVP crashing into the ropes and grabs the briefcase, raising it high in the air.
In a total TNA moment, we go straight to a COMING UP LATER, reminding us of Undertaker vs. Chavo Guerrero. Well gee, I was trying to forget.
The next match is set for one fall and is Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo, ie. Mini Khali. I miss their partnership already. Remember the time when Khali and Chuck high-fived? That was amazing, wasn’t it? No such luck here. Chuck clubs Kane in the face and gets thrown into the corner for his efforts, but rolls the Big Red Machine up for a near-fall and locks on an armbar into a wristlock. The story is working on Kane’s left arm with Palumbo having the most control in the early going. Kane powers out and drills Palumbo with a big boot and the top rope fist. Kane signals for a chokeslam but Palumbo rolls outside and tries to get himself counted-out, only for Kane to follow and roll him back into the ring. Chuck kicks Kane in the chest but is clotheslined over the top rope straight into a commercial break.
We return to a double shoulder block that knocks both men down, signalling the arrival of India’s Sexiest Man, The Great Khali. The big man gives Kane a chop to the head and drills Paulumbo and Kane with a Khali Bomb each, which brings out Mark Henry. The two big men face off and Khali attempts a chop but is blocked and received a falling slam that looked damn impressive. Kane receives one too, and Mark Henry is the giant standing tall. Could he win the ECW Battle Royal?
This week’s Hall Of Fame Inductee is Eddie Graham, a Florida promoter and formerly of The Graham Brothers, Vince McMahon‘s favourite ever tag team. Dusty Rhodes will induct him.
BISCUITS AND GRAVY brings out Jesse and Festus for their World tag team title challenge against champions John Morrison and The Miz. The bell rings and Festus transforms into the ring monster, knocking Morrison down and catching Miz off the top rope with a punch. Jesse tags in and hit’s a swinging neck breaker on Morrison for a two-count. To the top rope, and Jesse nails a cross body to the Shaman of Sexy but is distracted by Miz and gets knocked down with the springboard spinning kick. Tag to Miz, who works on Jesse. The crowd gets behind the comeback and Jesse gets to his feet but is cut off with shots to the back and a choke in the ropes. Morrison is in for a cover but only gets a two. Cole and Coach talk about the gear of Morrison and Miz, and suddenly I’m starting to hate this “storytelling” horse rap. A Jesse hot tag is prevented by Morrison but Jesse fights back, only to be drop-toe holded to the mat. The champions continue the quick tags to isolate Jesse whilst Festus rocks backwards and forwards in the corner, acting as a cheerleader to get the crowd into it. A jawbreaker knocks Miz down but Morrison again prevents a tag. Finally, Festus gets the tag and unloads on both Miz and Morrison, drilling both with flapjacks and tossing Miz down with a Fallaway Slam. Jesse tags back in and Festus throws him onto Miz for a cover, only for Morrison to break it up whilst Festus is sent to the outside. A Reality Check from Miz seals the match and the champions retain. Probably for the best. The crowd isn’t as into it as I’d been led to believe.
Michael Cole announces that Chris Jericho faces MVP next week on SmackDown. The Raw recap is John Cena and Randy Orton vs. The Odds.
Back on SmackDown, and Chavo Guerrero is ready in the ring with Edge, Hawkins and Ryder on the outside. The lights go out and The Phenom himself makes his way to the ring. In the meantime, I go to make a sandwich, pay some bills and get a new light fitted for the living room. As I return, Taker removes his hat and the match is ready to start.
The Undertaker has the early advantage, keeping the ECW champion grounded with a back body drop and a wristlock into the Old School walk and fist off the ropes. A distraction from the Rated Rmy allows Chavo to corner The Deadman but that doesn’t last long and Taker whips Guerrero into the turnbuckle, setting up a chokeslam blocked by a kick to the thigh, but still managing to drop the champion with a sidewalk slam. Another distraction leads to Chavo sending Taker over the top rope to the floor, but he lands on his feet and goes straight for the Rmy, only to be dropkicked by Chavo through the ropes, into the announcers table. Chavo bounces his head off the table, rolls him into the ring and tries to ground his opponent, trying to wear down the arm as Palumbo did with Kane earlier. I don’t know if that was as planned, but it was a nice little line of continuity in the story. Regardless, Taker picks Guerrero up whilst still in an armbar and slams him to the mat. Edge and Hawkins are knocked off the apron by Taker and Chavo goes up and down with the Chokeslam as Zack Ryder is thrown over the top rope onto his co-horts. The Undertaker locks in his submission move that gets no reaction from the fans and Chavo taps out.
Post-match sees Taker attempt a double chokeslam onto the Rmy, only to be Speared by Edge. All three grab a steel chair and take turns hitting Taker with it in the stomach and back. The Deadman tries to get back up despite a good number of shots but receives one right to the head that knocks him down cold. Edge drops the chair and rolls Taker’s skull onto it, forcing his Rmy to hold him down. The champ screams “15 AND 1, DEADMAN” before slamming the chair down into his head and posing as he continues to scream at the fallen challenger.
Decent show this week, but it felt too slow in some parts. Not the most exciting of weeks, but finally stepped up the Undertaker/Edge feud which needed some major life. Now they finally have more of a blood element going into it and I’m more excited at the prospect of seeing them fight at Wrestlemania.
As always, feedback is welcome to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , or you can find me on bahgawd.com/forums. {plug}
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