Yesterday I decided to make the trip to Delaware for CZW's seventh annual Tournament of Death. Knowing CZW, I intentionally arrived about an hour after belltime only to discover that security was just letting people in. The show ended up starting about 100 minutes after it should have. CZW CZW CZW CZW!
Round 1: Pinkie Sanchez beat Danny Demanto - Pinkie is a skinny young man who wears pink tights and hits people with his ass, but doesn't actually seem to play up the gay gimmick. Demanto is fat, and a bad bowler. They set up a spot where Pinkie was laying in the corner with light bulb tubes on his crotch. Demanto was then supposed to roll the ball so it would crash the tubes. The dolt decided to throw the ball as hard as he could, and as a result the ball not only hopped up and hit Pinkie right in the arm, but it nearly went into the crowd.
The announcer then suddenly said, "Our next match is a second round tournament match." Yes, apparently there was only one match in the first round. The crowd, and myself, pointed this out to him for the rest of the night.
Round 1: Scotty Vortekz (with Dustin Lee) beat Mickie Knuckles - Vortekz needed his partner to beat a woman. This was mostly 2 on 1, with Knuckles getting the crap beat out of her. Her fingers were real cut up as she went to the back.
Round 1: Whacks beat Dustin Lee - Brain Damage, a young man who repeatedly gets hit in the head because he's smart like that, couldn't make the show. As a result of Lee's interference, Zandig (the company owner) placed Dustin Lee in the match. Whacks immediately ran out and hit Lee with a bunch of tubes. I'm fairly certain this was the match where Lee was powerbombed into a barbed wire board and you could see chunks of hair in it when he was pulled off. And, to top it off, I'm also fairly certain that this was a match where young Whacks likely learned a lesson in table breaking. Imagine you have a guy in a Tree of Woe, but he's laying on the short end of a table that is pointed to the other side of the thing. Well, Whacks tried and failed two times to put this guy through the table before Lee finally moved into a better place to take it.
Round 1: DJ Hyde beat Andy Sumner - Sumner actually has a body and shouldn't be doing this shit. DJ Hyde, who had the honor of standing around and looking like a fool while waiting to be hit with a wheedwacker last year, took a bump off the roof of the bar they were holding the show at. This wasn't a normal bump though. The roof was slippery and he wound up nearly dying when he fell. He still won though. If Sumner was supposed to go through the table I bet he's ecstatic about that fall.
Round 1: Nick Gage & Drake Younger beat Notorious INC - Yeah, a tag match in a singles tournament. It seems Zandig didn't want to give away Drake and Nick, so he made a match in which if they win they both advance.
Round 1: Greg Excellent beat Ryan McBride - McBride is not a Death Match wrestler and clearly did not want to be there. It has been one year since I've seen McBride and I don't think he has put on a single pound of muscle, so enjoy your light tube guts geek. Excellent is a fucking idiot, as after taking eight or nine steel chair and STOP sign shots to the head last week, he immediately took two upon the start of a match. Shockingly, once you get hit with a chair once the pop the second time around isn't so good. Idiot.
Round 1: Danny Havoc over RAM - This was supposed to be Danny vs. Necro, but in CZW Necro is "Hollywood" Dylan Summers as a result of being in THE WRESTLER with Mickey Rourke. As a result his agent Nickie Benz announced that his stunt double would be taking his place. RAM was awesomely awful. A total Shawn Michaels-wannabe who came out to the indyest of all indy music, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE. I don't know if it's part of the gimmick but whenever Necro would hit Havoc he hit him as lightly as possible.
Piss Match: Ruckus & Sabian beat Two Geeks - No one cared. I feel bad for these guys for having to wrestle in a ring with thousands of microscopic pieces of glass.
Round 2: Drake Younger and Scotty Vortekz advance over DJ Hyde and Whacks in a FISH HOOK DEATH MATCH - This was a four way elimination match where the two people left once two others had been eliminated would advance to the finals. Russoriffic. Yes, they used the fishhooks. It was violent. DJ Hyde and Whacks both took weed whacker shots, with Whacks getting hit while in mid-piledriver position.
Round 2: Nick Gage and Danny Havoc advance over Greg Excellent and Pinkie Sanchez - Sanchez got the ever-loving hell beat out of him by Gage. This was Fans Bring the Weapons and they used a lot of stuff, including a THUMBTACK WATERMELON that just would not break.
Finals: Danny Havoc over Nick Gage, Scotty Vortekz, and Drake Younger in a single-pinfall 200 LightTubes Barbed Wire Match - The match started and the guys immediately started breaking tubes. There was no teasing. They just started throwing each other into the tubes. This filled the ring with so much lighttube dust that the referee started projectile vomiting all over the ring. Yes, projectile vomiting. It was nuts. Havoc had to get his arm duct taped with a towel around a wound he had. The funniest part of the night was Drake Younger doing a move and inspecting his nipple, which he nearly lost at year's show.
There's a lot of bitching going on at the CZW Fans board about the show and the tournament setup. A lot of people are crying RIPOFF about Gage not facing Necro. Meh. A lot are bitching about the number of guys in the tournament and the four way matches. This could have been a better show if it was 4 singles, 2 semi-finals, and a final, but then again, since CZW refuses to let their shows run less than four hours, they would have had to insert two or three more geek matches in there, and who really wants to see that?
Fine show. I had fun. But Jesus Christ, as Bryan says, protect your God damn head. When your body is damaged your brains tells you it is damaged. When your brain is damaged you continue through life not realizing that your behavior is abnormal. {plug}
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