Dan Wahlers talks WWE writing
Raw Was "Poopy"
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After last week’s Raw that really seemed to signal a new direction in WWE, with the youth movement, and the shocking development of CM Punk winning the World Heavyweight Championship, this past Monday’s Raw was a big step back from everything they seemed to accomplish last week. It was a bad show, to be completely honest. To use John Cena’s favorite word these days, Raw was poopy. Hey, maybe it has something to do with the fact that Vince McMahon is incapacitated and the inmates are running the asylum on Raw. Yeah, that’s it! They sure aren’t pulling together during this uncertain time.
Seriously though, I want to start off by talking about the atrocious writing on this show, namely the writing for Raw’s and arguably WWE’s biggest star, John Cena. In the past, Cena has been sort of teflon in that even when given bad material to work with, he’s been able to make it work with his charm and charisma. He made some very cringe worthy material work because he was so good with his delivery on the mic, and the way he sort of made you feel like you were in on the joke.
But this week, my god, some of the lines he was given were elementary school level bad. And elementary school kids are who they were apparently trying to appeal to with some of this incredibly lame ass material. That’s the level of intelligence that might find an endless barrage of poop jokes and toilet humor funny. I don’t know about you, though, but I don’t find them funny. When I hear stuff like some of the things coming out of Cena’s mouth on Raw, I just roll my eyes and shake my head.
There were three, count ‘em, three poop and/or bathroom references from Cena on Raw. Three too many as far as I’m concerned. He said JBL was suffering from a case of the "if it wasn’t for’s." If it wasn’t for CM Punk then JBL would be WWE Champion, if it wasn’t for all the chili he ate, he wouldn’t have spent three hours in the bathroom. I’m rolling on the floor that was so funny. Then later on he told JBL to take off his diaper and stop pooping himself. What a classic wrestling line right there! But wait, there’s more. It gets better.
Later in the show, in one of the biggest waste of time segments on Raw in a long time, Cena and Cryme Tyme destroyed JBL’s limousine and put spray paint all over it. Cena spray painted the phrase "JBL is poopy" on the side of the limo. Yes, someome actually got paid to script that horrendous segment. Someone actually wrote that segment, and wrote that juvenile language for an adult male to use on a wrestling show, and then brought it up at the production meeting with Vince McMahon and all the other "creative" team members, and the segment got ok’d and put into the show. Man, am I in the wrong line of work.
Brian Gewirtz is the head writer on Raw, and he’s been known over the years for his fondness for writing bathroom humor skits and promos on Raw, so I would guess he’s probably the genius that greenlit this series of embarrassing moments involving John Cena. What Gewirtz is also known for doing is writing shows that he knows appeal to Vince McMahon, and what he looks for in a wrestling show. And it’s been proven countless times over the years that Vince has a pretty low rent sense of humor, so I’m sure he found the Cena poop jokes to be hilarious. Just like he thought Triple H humping a mannequin in a casket would be funny, and having his daughter get pregnant with his child on TV would be funny. That’s the type of mentality we’re dealing with here. Vince is never really very far from that trailer park in North Carolina, is he?
Once again, we get into that issue about Vince being disconnected from what his audience wants and likes. The 7 year old kids that watch Raw might have laughed at the poop jokes, and I guess maybe that works with Cena, since that’s right in with his target demographic. But the rest of the adults that watch Raw, I can’t imagine them hearing some of this stuff and going, "That was hilarious." Instead I can imagine them shaking their heads and saying, "Why am I watching this crap?" That’s certainly not a question you want your viewers asking themselves at any time. Does Vince even know that the average age of the weekly Raw viewer is like 35?
I blame the writers for this, because they’re the ones that script the promos and cook up these skits somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of whatever building they’re in. But I also put some of the blame on John Cena himself. He’s probably the biggest star in the company today. He’s a big part of Vince McMahon’s inner power circle. He certainly has enough clout at this point to be able to have a major say it what his character says on TV. He certainly has the power to veto any lines from a promo or a segment that he doesn’t like, or doesn’t think fits in with his character.
We know he’s a company man, and he willingly and lovingly does whatever they ask him to do. Witness his series of ass kissing, WWE flag waving appearances on Larry King last year after the Benoit murders. But there comes a point when you have to read some of this stuff ahead of time, and go, "You got to me kidding me. I’m not saying this." Someone like a CM Punk wouldn’t be able to do that, but surely someone like John Cena has the power to not let lame, unfunny material like that get through the filter. It’s not like they’re going to fire him, or stop pushing him because he has a few lines scrapped or re-written from a promo. But maybe I’m giving Cena too much credit, maybe he’s a 31 year old man with a 7 year old sense of humor, and he thinks this stuff is funny.
Part of the problem is these writers that WWE gets from some Hollywood writing school or wherever they come from. Maybe they’re hatched from pods in the basement of WWE HQ in Stamford, how the hell do I know? You have these people that didn’t grow up wrestling fans, and have no appreciation for the history of the wrestling business, scripting out these promos for the wrestlers. I wonder what guys like Harley Race or Terry Funk would have done back in the day if someone handed them a piece of paper with a promo written out for them to read when they got out into the arena. Chances are they would have rolled up that piece of paper, and stuck it where the sun doesn’t shine.
With overwritten, over scripted promos comes words like we heard from John Cena on Raw. And I’m not sure what it says about Cena that he would go out there, and willingly say some of this nonsense, and actually think that it might be funny, and that it might help him get over more with the adult audience that has been the toughest for him to win over. You know what might help him get over more with the adult audience? If he starts talking and acting more like an adult instead of like one of the 7 year olds that buy his merchandise. I’m all for humor in wrestling. I love having a good laugh, because it can’t be two hours of seriousness. But the thing about humor is it helps if it’s actually funny.
Enough about Cena and the toilet humor. I think I made my point. Another thing I wanted to bring up: What was the point of having a draft a couple weeks ago if we’re going to have wrestlers jump from show to show without any rhyme or reason? Kelly Kelly is now apparently the newest member of the Raw roster. She had been on ECW previously. I understand why they moved her to Raw. With Maria going to Smackdown, and Melina on the shelf for five months, they needed someone to fill the face sidekick role with Mickie James. I get that. But they didn’t even attempt to come up with a reason to explain why she was suddenly able to jump from ECW to Raw.
They made a joke about it, however, because we know how funny those Raw writers are. John Cena asked Kelly if Teddy Long let her out of her contract, and she said in her best blonde bimbo voice, "We have contracts?" That’s a good one. I guess that was the writers "FU" to people like me that look for a little storyline continuity in my wrestling, and look for a logical explanation as to why things are happening. That was their way of saying, "Kelly Kelly is on Raw, and we don’t have to explain how she was able to move from ECW. We move people from show to show when we feel like it, and we don’t owe you an explanation."
That’s all fine and good, but then don’t expect people to care about the draft in the future, if you’re going to have wrestlers come and go as they please. I accept a lot when I watch wrestling. You have to accept a lot. You know, that whole "suspension of disbelief" thing. But the one thing I ask not to be is insulted. And they insult your intelligence when they do things like this. It’s just sloppy, lazy writing, and there’s no excuse for it.
I wrote about the youth movement on Raw last week, and how it was imperative that the company be patient in pushing these new guys. So how did the youth movement fare in week two? They did a relatively good job continuing the push of CM Punk. He was featured in the opening segment of Raw with Vickie Guerrero, who by the way, has turned into arguably the best heel in the company not named Edge. Those weren’t the piped in boos of Smackdown that she was getting on Raw.
I didn’t like her for the heel GM role at first, she seemed like such a bad fit. But I give her a ton of credit, she’s really improved a lot, and made the role her own. Together with Edge they form the best male/female heel duo in WWE since the beginnings of the McMahon-Helmsley Era in early 2000. Edge and Vickie are the highlight of Smackdown, along with them now having the best play by play announcer in wrestling, which is why you should be watching Smackdown if you’re not. Excuse me! Excuse me!
But back to Punk, he more than held his own in the opening promo segment of the show with the heavyweights of Raw, Cena. JBL, Batista, and Kane. He didn’t seem out of place at all, and most importantly, the fans reacted to him like a big star. That was a huge, first test for him as World Champion, and he passed with flying colors. I’d love to see them continue to trust him with more mic time in the future, because the guy can talk. Watch some of his old ROH stuff if you need proof.
Punk’s match with Snitsky wasn’t memorable by any stretch, aside from the fact that Punk broke Snitsky’s nose with his Go To Sleep finisher. That certainly won’t earn him any points in the locker room. I’m not a wrestler, but to me it seems like on a move like the GTS, it’s up to the guy receiving the move to get his hands up to block the knee from striking the face, and if the knee does strike the face, then it’s not Punk’s fault. If there are any wrestlers out there that are reading this, and I’m wrong about that, then please feel free to let me know. It wasn’t pretty, and the crowd kind of died during the match. But it was Snitsky, and who gets excited about Snitsky? It was the type of maintenance win that you need to give guys every once in a while, especially when you’re trying to build a wrestler up. I give a thumbs up for the progression of CM Punk on Raw: Week 2.
I would have to give thumbs in the middle for the progression of Kofi Kingston this week. They did give him a clean win over Charlie Haas, in again, what you might call a maintenance match. To me, Haas was the star of the match. He was sure laying in some stiff kicks, perhaps hoping to be noticed. He’s a guy they could be doing more with. As for Kofi, they need to give him some promo time, and give him more of a back story. A good majority of Raw viewers still have no idea who he is, since most of them didn’t watch ECW.
To them he’s just some guy that was thrown on their TV, given the I-C Title, and they’ve been given no reason to care about him. He was attacked by Paul Burchill after his match, which I guess will be a new feud. Burchill is talented in the ring, but he’s another guy that has had very little character development thus far. Plus, he needs a new finisher. The Curb Stomp is one of the silliest, most contrived looking moves in wrestling. I like that they’re putting Kingston and Burchill together. It’s something different, and a chance to help elevate two new stars. They have the right idea. Execution of the idea is another story altogether.
A major thumbs down for not having Ted Dibiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes on Raw this week. They were relegated to dark match duty, wrestling the odd couple tag team of Paul London and the recently re-hired D’Lo Brown. Following the lukewarm heel turn by Rhodes at Night of Champions, they need to have these two guys on Raw every week. That’s the only way they’re going to have a chance to get over. It doesn’t matter if it’s a match, a backstage vignette, a promo in the ring, whatever the case might be, but this is young team that needs to be cultivated and they need the exposure of being on Raw every week. Instead of that useless Cena/Cryme Tyme skit, I’d have rather seen a segment with Rhodes and Dibiase Jr.
Raw ended with Kane flipping out and going nuts again. Batista pinned Kane in the four-way that also had John Cena and JBL in it to give him the title shot against Punk at The Great American Bash. Kane then started terrorizing people at ringside, and yelling at Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler asking "is he alive or dead?" I can only speculate that he’s referencing Vince McMahon, and that we’re going to find out that Kane was somehow involved in the set (not) falling on Vince a couple weeks ago. He could be talking about The Undertaker too, who knows. Someone had to turn heel on Raw, and I guess it makes sense that it would be Kane. He had become beyond stale. And Glen Jacobs can play the psycho role in his sleep, so it fits.
Although, Kane attacking Michael Cole sort of makes him a face in a certain way, doesn’t it? Cole is off to a bumpy start on Raw, and Vince McMahon has reportedly been reaming him out left and right on headset during recent broadcasts. Which he also did to Joey Styles, Todd Grisham, Jonathan Coachman, and pretty much every person they’ve ever tried to replace Jim Ross with. Cole is competent enough on commentary, he’s not going to have the cringe worthy moments that Mike Adamle has on a weekly basis on ECW. But he also doesn’t broadcast with a lot of emotion, either. This past Monday he was calling Raw with all the excitement of someone going in for a root canal. There were a lot of times where I felt no emotion from him whatsoever, it was like there was a robot on the other end of the microphone, reading words off a piece of paper.
I realize Cole is in a very tough spot. He’s trying to replace a very popular and beloved announcer that most people don’t think should have left in the first place. But he really needs to step up his game. He’s not floating under the radar on Tuesday nights anymore. He’s on WWE’s number one show, live every week. I’d just like to hear some excitement from him, something that lets you know that he cares about what he’s doing, and not just earning a paycheck. This is his big break. He’s been given the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s time for him to start acting like it.
I’m not expecting him to be Jim Ross, but I am expecting someone that can make me care about what I’m seeing, and can properly get over the wrestlers and the storylines like Jim Ross does. Unfortunately, much like Michael Cole’s commentary, Raw was a lackluster, uninspired follow up to what seemed like such a fresh, groundbreaking show last week. This week’s show felt like so many Raw’s in the recent past, with the bad writing, lame comedy, and general lack of in-ring wrestling action. Hopefully they got it out of their system.
Thanks for reading. Vote for David Wright in the MLB "Final Vote" contest for the final roster spot at this year’s All-Star Game. Until next time, take care and be well!
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