Taped 7/22/08 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
By Ryan Mulligan
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AIM: thecivilianexile
Last week on "SmackDown," following the greatest wedding reception in recorded history, the blessed union of Edge and Vickie Guerrero was severed when the dastardly Triple H produced footage of the Rated R Superstar cheating on his near-future bride with the Wedding Planner of Doom. Vickie reacted by unleashing the most intense "I HATE YOU!!!" since Anakin Skywalker in "Revenge of the Sith." Two days later at "The Great American Bash," Triple H successfully defended his WWE Championship by defeating Edge in a match that saw the latter inadvertently spear the love of his life, causing an even further rift between them. Will Edge be able to reignite their broken love? Will Vickie find forgiveness in her heart? Who will be the new number one contender for Triple H's title? This week's "SmackDown!" answers all of those questions, and poses even more!
We open this week's show with MVP in the ring, getting set to host another edition of "The VIP Lounge." After proclaiming his hairdo "luxurious" and engaging in hyperbolic rhyming, he welcomes this week's guest: Jeff Hardy! MVP informs us that tonight there will be a battle royal to determine the new number one contender for the WWE Title, with the winner challenging Triple H at "SummerSlam." MVP feels he's the odds-on-favorite. Hardy informs him that he hasn't won a match since he lost the U.S. Title to his brother Matt. MVP, not the biggest fan of insults to his pride, then goes off on a tangent about Jeff taking too many risks in his career, all of which have only led to failure. He then goes all psychiatric on his ass and says that Hardy engages in reckless behavior, because of feelings of guilt. MVP crosses the line by mentioning the death of Jeff's dog and even calls him "Jeffrey!" He pulls out the latest WWE Magazine with Jeff on the cover and says he'll never be WWE Champion. He tells Hardy he has to grow up, and Jeff finally shoves him down, causing MVP to bail. There were a few problems with this segment: there were a lot of insider-references, like Jeff's 60-day suspension and MVP getting second chances in life too, which probably confused most people. Also, I thought MVP was feuding with Kennedy now. Finally, what good is an MVP-segment if nobody brings the "ha ha?"
Non-Title Match: U.S. Heavyweight Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Shelton grabs the mic pre-match, but winds up cutting one of those promos that end with a catchphrase. Those never catch on. Shelton boots Yang in the face coming off the ropes early on, but Yang manages to connect with an enziguri to go on the offensive. He takes Shelton over with a satellite headscissors, but gets yanked off the top when attempting a premature moonsault. Both men miss with successive spinning heel-kicks, and Shelton hits Pay Dirt out of nowhere to get the win. Nothing wrong with short, decisive victories for new title-holders.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Backstage, Edge is in conversation with the Edgeheads, who tell him that they don't need apologies or explanations from him, but maybe Vickie does. Edge ponders this.
WWE Tag Team Champion Curt Hawkins (with Zack Ryder) vs. Festus (with Jesse)
BISCUITS AND GRAVY!!! I pity the Hawkins, for his fate is now sealed. Festus opens with bear-paws, but misses an avalanche-attempt. Hawkins has the gall to take the fight to Festus, hitting him with a barrage of kicks. He learns a valuable lesson, however: you can't snap-mare Festus. More bear-paws are followed by the Flying Asshole~! Outside the ring, Ryder makes a running-attempt for the ring-bell, but Jesse cuts him off. Wouldn't ringing the bell end the match, though? Just when you think you have the answers, Festus changes the questions. Festus finishes off poor Hawkins with the fireman's carry flapjack. Nothing wrong with short, decisive failures for new title-holders. But wait! The Edgeheads attack Jesse from behind following the ringing of the bell and the dumbing-down of Festus and then lay Festus out with a double Implant DDT. Got their heat back. There are so many vignettes that need to be made involving Festus. Maybe a flashback to high school, wherein a young Festus freaks at every bell, laying out fellow-students with Flying Biscuits and roaming the halls insanely until the next bell.
Winner: Festus
Backstage, Edge is in conversation with the Wedding Planner. He tells her she shouldn't be around and says to wait for him at the hotel. Wait, WHAT? I thought he tried to spear her at the ppv. Who was he trying to spear, anyway? Is a spear just the way he normally reacts in intense situations? By the way, sneakily looking on in the background during this discussion was Bam Neely, who provided facial reactions and looked to be up to no good. Too many variables.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Stevie Richards
Stevie gets the hometown-pop, while Kozlov manages to finally draw some good heel heat on his way out. The match starts out ugly, with Kozlov awkwardly selling some semblance of a bulldog from Stevie, but manages to get prettier when Kozlov lays Stevie out with a belly-to-belly throw, followed by a push-kick. He must break you. He applies a front chancery and then throws Stevie out of that when he gets bored with it. Kozlov gets sent to the outside and comes back in with a hilariously determined dive. All action/All the time. Stevie hits a dropkick, which manages to get him a one-count. The announcers note the significance of Stevie's achievement. Kozlov eventually ends the match with a headbutt off the ropes. He should probably use the Impaler DDT. Bonus points to anyone who gets that. Afterwards, Kozlov walks over to the announcers and shouts in Russian, but ends in English, proclaiming that he wants some competition! It's definitely time. Kozlov speaks the most selective English ever. He seems to know the words "thank you" and "competition," but little else.
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov
The same wedding-reception montage that opened the show plays again in its entirety at this point. I notice it says "Camera 2" on Triple H's camera. I wonder where "Camera 1" was, and if there were other cameras involved. Imagine if he didn't capture anything interesting, but still had to fast-forward through it all. The way I'm picturing it in my head ends with him saying "Shucks."
"Biggest Blockbuster of the Summer" Battle Royal, with: Mr. Kennedy, The Great Khali (with Runjin Singh), MVP, Umaga, Jeff Hardy and The Big Show
Singh's apparently been on holiday in India. Yeah, like that's gonna help me get over his absence. Hardy has multiple towels hanging out of his pants-pocket. Is that in case he has to descend from a burning building at some point? MVP bails, as the action gets underway, and I don't blame him, as he foolishly has now made enemies out of two of the men in this match. Hardy and Kennedy team up for a variation of Poetry in Motion on Khali. Khali responds by double-clotheslining them down. Show owns Umaga with a sideslam, but Khali and Umaga double-team Show with headbutts. Umaga, not the biggest fan of teamwork, then knocks out both Khali and Show with crescent kicks, as we go to a break.
We're back and in the middle of a Whisper in the Wind on Umaga. MVP gets mule-kicked and then clotheslined over the top and eliminated by Hardy. Umaga and Show square off, a battle won by Show when he clotheslines Umaga to the floor and eliminates him. Hardy and Kennedy try to double-team Show, but fail at that. Show kills Hardy with the cobra-clutch throw. He then goozles Kennedy and forces him over the top and out. Khali hits the head-chop of immense pain on Show, but Show's able to avoid the Tree Slam. Chokeslam on Khali! YOU-MANGA then re-enters the ring and lays out Show with a Samoan Spike! Doesn't he know the rules? Hardy comes off the top turnbuckle, but Show catches him in powerbomb-position. Luckily for Hardy, he has really strong legs and is able to headscissor Show over the top rope to eliminate him. Swanton on Khali! Hardy takes his shirt off~! The crowd is freaking out for Jeff. Khali goes for the Vice-Grip, but Hardy low-blows his way out of that. Unfortunately for Hardy and the world, Khali then head-chops Hardy and casually disposes of him to win the match and the title shot at "SummerSlam." Seriously. Khali won. Who has he beaten recently? Charles Robinson? Triple Hach comes out, and they do the "stare-down, but we can't fight yet" routine. I don't understand this at all. Maybe they wanted to be featured on "History's Mysteries."
Winner: The Great Khali
Ron Killings video-package~! WHAT'S UP?!? The video shows the dangerous neighborhood where he grew up, which he describes as, "Straight Gutter." It would be funny if the announcer was like, "Formerly residing in a Straight Gutter…" The video then segues to a prison and Killings saying that he paid the price for his lifestyle, but now he's a changed man. The video ends focusing on a wall with "THE TRUTH" spray-painted on it. A million buys.
Non-Title Match: Divas Champion Michelle McCool vs. Maryse
In a surprising example of excellent booking, they actually let McCool be the first Divas Champion, defeating Natalya at the Bash. Unfortunately, aside from being ridiculously ugly, the belt is also way too big for McCool's tiny waist. Maryse, one of the greatest heels in the history of wrestling, once again walks away from the action to pose in the early-going, and gets owned as a result. I wonder if she'll learn her lesson. McCool kills her with a dropkick coming off the ropes. Maryse tosses her to the outside, where she runs her back-first into the apron, but, once back inside, McCool quickly finishes her off with the heel-hook.
Winner: Michelle McCool
This week's "Raw Rebound" focuses on the world's longest chokeslam-sell, the continued burial of the World Champion and the premature beginning of the feud that should be main-eventing "WrestleMania" next year.
Chavo Guerrero wheels Vickie into the arena, and they're quickly confronted by Bam Neely, who asks Chavo if he told her what Edge said. What did he say? Chavo tells Neely to keep quiet about that.
Next week, the "SmackDown!" debut of Maria~! I'll believe that when I see it.
Neely catches up with Edge and informs him that Vickie is now here. Edge says that he's going to issue a public apology. Phew. For a second there I was worried we weren't getting a main event this week.
Brian Kendrick (with Ezekiel) vs. Shannon Moore
Kendrick gets the mic pre-match and reminds us how privileged we are to see THE Brian Kendrick wrestle. They should probably bring back the Spanky gimmick and go all the way with it. The girly-music, the oversized-sunglasses, all of that awesome stuff. Right now, he's too much like John Morrison. Without the farm-raised jackals-coat, I mean. Kendrick cheapshots Moore in the corner like a total heel. He knees Moore in the back, and Moore takes a whacky bump into the corner. Kendrick misses a flying knee off the top, and Moore comes back with an inverted atomic drop and a leg-drop for two. He winds up on the apron, where an Ezekiel-distraction leads to him getting posted, and Kendrick winning following Sliced Bread #2.
Winner: Brian Kendrick
Neely tells Vickie to meet Edge in the ring. He says that Edge expects a public apology from her. WHAT? Is Neely lying on purpose? I don't think I have enough room in my head to think about the ulterior motives of Bam Neely. I have to draw the line somewhere.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM!!! Edge says he's here to issue a public apology to his wife "Victoria." You know he means business when he busts out the full name. He calls out Vickie, who is wheeled out by Chavo and Neely. She's back in her wheelchair, because of the spear. Play along. Once in the ring, she sends Chavo and Neely to the back. Edge gets down on one knee. He says that he tried to say no, but the Wedding Planner was too determined. Hilarious. Nothing means more to him than her happiness. He can't live without her! Vickie says she understands. Loving embrace~! However, Edge does not get a kiss. She reminds him that, "Hell hath no fury over a woman scorned." She says that while she was mad (I guess she's not mad anymore?) she did something that Edge might not like. Edge looks worried and asks what she did. She reinstated The Undertaker!!! The crowd pops huge, and Edge's facial features are contorted into a mixture of sadness and bewilderment. Edge says that's okay, because Taker and HHH can destroy each other while they're on their honeymoon, and then he can pick their bones and reclaim his title. Unfortunately, Vickie's already booked Taker in a match for "SummerSlam." His opponent? EDGE! Edge responds to this by frantically pacing around the ring. Things get a lot worse when Vickie informs him that the match will be a Hell in a Cell match! Vickie laughs maniacally, as the show goes off the air. So, did she really forgive him or not?
As is usually the case, everything involving Edge and Vickie on this week's show was as awesome as possible. The return of Taker, even if held off for the pay-per-view, will add yet another interesting twist to their dynamic. Elsewhere, the show featured some decent matches involving new champions, as well as the requisite Kozlov-squash and segment wherein MVP is a total prick. The Great Khali, though. {plug}
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