7.31 TNA Impact
By Jeff Hamlin (
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The Big News: It was a Russo wet dream with enough angles to pound a normal man into submission. Joe got laid out by Booker, Sting continued his heel turn without appearing on the show and Kurt Angle laid out A.J. Styles with three Olympic slams.
Booker opened the show in his dressing room with Jeremy Borash and Sharmell. He said he was going to give Samoa Joe a personal tour of his own six sides of steel tonight. His version had weapons. Since this company has done that match to death over the past three years, Joe should know what it looks like by now. Booker also said he was going to have a personal friend of his along for the tour. When Borash asked if that person was Sting, Booker was noncommittal. Booker ordered Borash out of the room while he and Sharmell sipped wine together.
1. Beer Money Inc. defeated Rhino and Christian Cage to become the number one contenders for the TNA tag team titles. Early on, we had this week’s MMA spot on a pro wrestling show when Cage went for a tornado reverse DDT, James Storm blocked it with some Urijah Faber knees on one leg. Cage responded with an ace crusher off the second rope. There was a spot where Cage backdropped Robert Roode over the top rope onto Storm outside the ring, and Rhino followed with a noggin knocker on the heels. As Earl Hebner sent Rhino back to his corner, Storm spit beer into Cage’s eyes while Rhino gave him a knee into the guard rail. Following a double suplex. Roode and Storm screamed “Beer” “Money” again. Love that spot. Cage made his comeback with a tornado DDT to make the hot tag to Rhino. Rhino got the Anderson spinebuster on Storm, but Roode made the save. Cage gave Storm the reverse DDT. Then run-inamania ran wild. Cage went to the top rope, but Brother Ray ran down, so Cage caught him with a plancha. Then Johnny Devine came in with a kendo stick, but Rhino decked him. Storm got the stick, but Rhino caught him with a gore. Earl Hebner counted two, but Roode pulled him out of the ring. As Rhino and Hebner argued (I guess), Brother Dvon ran in and attacked Rhino, but the faces laid waste to him. Rhino teased goring Dvon, but Jacqueline grabbed him by the hair. Cage pulled off Jacqueline, who distracted Hebner. Then Roode laid out Cage with the stick, and also hit Rhino, who walked into a 3-D by Team 3-D. Storm then pinned Rhino. Cage then challenged Team 3-D to a New Jersey Street Fight. Team 3-D are the heels, but they’ll be wrestling in their backyard (which even Cage admitted) in their type of match. Didn’t this company learn anything from last month’s PPV? No, because if anyone learned anything in combat sports (except WWE and UFC), we’d have TNA doing better than 18,000 buys and K.J Noonz’s face would have been all over CBS Saturday night. Good match before the overdone finish. Somehow I think I’ve written that before. Like 100 times before. ***
Christy Hemme and the Rock n’ Rave Infection did an interview full of inane gibberish about their six-man match tonight. Lance Rock mentioned Meat Loaf. Well, most of their viewers are over 35, so I guess that reference rang a bell. They’re facing Black Machismo, Shark Boy and Curry Man tonight.
Black Machismo, Shark Boy and Curry Man defeated the Rock n’ Rave Infection and Johnny Devine. Mike Tenay mentioned that Black Machismo’s match with Sonjay Dutt at Hard Justice will be a “Black Tie Ball and Chain match.” That’s a Russo way of saying a chain match, where the gimmick will serve as a handicap again. If that’s not enough, So Cal Val was back all chummy with Machismo this week without any follow up from the angle two weeks ago when she was mad at him for allegedly hitting Dutt with the chair. I guess she finally got around to seeing a replay of that show to realize Machismo didn’t do it. Then shouldn’t they have mentioned that? It’s hard enough to keep up with this show even when you’re taking notes. Curry Man got the heat after Rave hit a leg sweep clothesline. Finish came when Shark Boy got a backdrop over the top rope onto Rock and Rave, while Machismo pinned Devine after a lethal combination. Postmatch, Machismo started to propose to Val again, but when he looked on her hand he notice she didn’t have her wedding ring on. Machismo walked out of the ring furious while Val claimed she lost it. **
They cut right backstage instead of letting the angle sink in. Now usually when they do this, at least it’s for a wrestling purpose. That doesn’t make it right, but at least it’s business-related. This time, Borash was talking to Lance Smith of Country Music Television, where CMT’s Top 20 Countdown was filming backstage. Never can have enough C grade celebrities, I say. Borash started talking about how everyone was normal backstage when Super Eric walked up in full costume talking about trying to find Val’s ring to save Machismo’s relationship. Just more stupid stuff, and Smith didn’t say enough to make any impact on the segment or give anyone who didn’t know him an understanding of who he was.
Joe walked into the Impact Zone where Borash informed him about Booker’s plans. Joe challenged Sting to come to the ring, as well. This led to a package of the Sting-Joe-Booker program.
Kevin Nash and Borash walked into the locker room where Joe was screaming about Booker’s mind games and Sting supposedly turning his back on him. Nash calmly asked Joe if he was sure that it was Sting who jumped him. When Joe said yes, Nash said he had Joe’s back and they would team together against Booker and Sting.
Booker came out. His entrance video now has his character from the TNA video game. This was a regular occurrence on this show. There was a cage with ladders, garbage cans, chairs, tables. Looked like Booker went hunting in a junkyard. Booker called Joe out and promised that the lights wouldn’t go out tonight. Joe came out and vowed to beat Booker up. Once he climbed inside, Nash showed up and slammed the door so Booker couldn’t escape. Joe then attacked Booker with a tire iron. Joe continued the beating while Sharmell came out. Nash carried her off. While Joe watched that scene, a bat fell from the roof, and Booker grabbed it and nailed Joe from behind. Booker looked up and thanked Sting, though he was nowhere to be found.
Again, directly they cut to a package for Sheik Abdul Bashir. He basically talked about how government is to blame for much of America’s problems while Americans were too lazy to do anything about it.
A.J. Styles went into the ring to check on Joe. He called out Sting to understand what’s going on. You could tell by the crowd’s reaction they weren’t buying any of this. Worse, Styles were overacting. Styles then called Sting a coward, the lights went out, and when they cut back on Kurt Angle was in the ring. He gave Styles an Olympic slam from behind, and then another. Styles sold the slams like it was near death. Angle did another slam, and his music played.
Curry Man and Shark Boy were on a search for Val’s missing ring. They started in the Beautiful People’s dressing room. Can’t say I blame them. Shark wanted to give Angelina Love and Velvet Sky a full body cavity search. They shot him down. Curry offered to show them some action later on. He got shot down hardway. Shark and Curry left. Then Love and Sky if “she” was ready for their match tonight. Sky said “she” was. Borash asked who “she” was, and they said he would find out soon enough.
Getting ready for his match against Consequences Creed, Petey Williams talked about the greatest villain of all time in the movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger as “Mr. Freeze” in “Batman and Robin.” He hasn’t seen Heath Ledger lately. Speaking of which, if Sting comes back as a heel, he needs to wear Ledger’s face paint from the “Dark Knight.” Sting’s current makeup is a takeoff of the 90’s “Crow” movies as it is. If Sting doesn’t, someone else will because that version of the Joker is a natural pro wrestling heel character.
Consequences Creed defeated Petey Williams in a non-title match. In case you’ve forgotten (and it would be easy to), Williams is the X Division champion. Hermie Sadler did commentary. Fortunately, this show was taped before Sunday’s Brickyard 400, one of the worst races in NASCAR history. Tire problems forced cars to pit every ten laps and totally killed any flow to the event. Kind of like the previous 30 minutes of this show. Creed did a springboard facebuster. Williams knocked Creed out of the ring and pulled off the springboard huracanrana followed by a slingshot lungblower (or codebreaker). Toward the end, Williams collided with Rhaka Kahn, and Creed followed with a TKO, but only for a two count. Finish saw Creed go to the top rope but missed the legdrop. Williams went for the Canadian Destroyer, but Creed got a cradle for the pin. This sets up Creed vs. Williams at Hard Justice. **1/4
Shark Boy and Curry Man confronted LAX about the missing ring. Salinas got in Shark’s face. LAX’s gimmick in promos is to see who can talk over one another the best. It makes for interminable segments. Curry tried to talk jive in a scene straight from the 1980 film “Airplane,” except this wasn’t funny. Super Eric walked in and said there was a break in the case.
Styles was still selling the Olympic slams. He was asked if Sting was involved with Angle’s attack. He challenged Angle to a last man standing match at Hard Justice.
Jim Cornette joined Mike Tenay and Don West in running down the Hard Justice card. Cornette said that Team 3-D has accepted Cage’s challenge for the New Jersey street fight.
The second edition of Karen’s Angle wasn’t much better than the debut. They picked it up with Kaz returning to TNA in 2006. They never even mentioned his stint with Serotonin, so I guess Raven didn’t leave the company under good terms. Kaz talked about losing the X Cup match in June. Finally he said he met with TNA management and gave notice, so this would be his “final appearance.” His acting wasn’t the least bit convincing. Karen and Kaz hugged. Then, in the irony of ironies, after Kaz left the set, Tomko walked in and laughed about Kaz leaving the company. Now there’s some timing for you. Tomko screamed at Karen and vowed to make her life a living hell. As Karen screamed, Tomko ordered the cameras be turned off. I don’t even want to speculate, and fortunately neither did the announcers because this was forgotten instantly. Then again, with 300 angles on the show, they had no choice.
Lauren interviewed Kevin Nash about Sting’s actions. Joe walked in and vowed to go up to the rafters, drag him to the ring and demand to know what’s going on. Kevin started to say it wasn’t a good idea, but Joe had already gone on his way.
4. Matt Morgan defeated Sal Ranallo. Squash with Morgan doing the Hellavator for the finish. DUD
Morgan called out Tomko. They started to fight but security pulled them apart. Even though they do pull-aparts every week, it had some heat. Tomko broke free, which sure made security look like idiots, and attacked Morgan from behind. Morgan made his own comeback and laid out Tomko with the Hellavator.
To the back, where the Prince Justice Brotherhood was watching last week’s show and found that Dutt had stolen Val’s ring. I’ll bet you’re asking why the brotherhood didn’t show Val the show from two weeks ago, where they could prove Dutt was faking the trip to the hospital. Super Eric vowed to carry out justice next week. Then there was a To Be Continued sign at the end of the segment. Why they felt the need to do that is beyond me. I mean, in wrestling, isn’t every week To Be Continued?
Team 3-D and Beer Money Inc. were celebrating together. Ray said they liked Beer Money because they were scumbags. Ray asked Jacqueline if she was a scumbag. When she said yes, he said “Room 212.” It was clearly unscripted because she cracked up. Next week, Team 3-D and Beer Money face LAX, Cage and Rhino in a no-DQ eight-man match.
The newest Rough Cut is of Taylor Wilde. They had clips from Bill DeMott, who trained her. ODB, Angelina Love, Jacqueline and Traci Brooks mentioned how big a surprise it was for her to beat Awesome Kong. ODB’s comments seemed to tease a possible match down the road. If that’s the case, they’re making a big mistake because even now Wilde isn’t as charismatic as ODB.
Gail Kim and Taylor Wilde defeated The Beautiful People. Wilde came out to almost no reaction, though the crowd warmed up to her as the match went on. After Kim hit a running arm ringer off the top rope on Love, Sky pushed her into the post. They worked over Kim until Kim got the lung blower to make the hot tag. After a four-way melee, Love dumped Kim to the floor and hit Wilde with a scissor kick for a near fall. That should have been the finish. Instead, it concluded with a wretched sequence starting with a mistimed sunset flip by Wilde on Sky. Love tried to hold Sky up, but Sky’s arm supposedly knocked Love down. Only problem was, it came nowhere her. Kim ran in and dropkicked both Beautiful People, and Wilde pinned Sky. Real bad finish. Postmatch, the two teams continued to brawl until Awesome Kong made her return. She gave Kim and Wilde the Awesome Bomb. After Kim got hammered, they cut to a fan at ringside who looked like Kim’s younger sister. Finally, ODB, with a bottle of liquor in her hands, came down for the save. Kong still didn’t back down. Then Roxxi came out with a chair, and finally Kong left the ring. Traci was also shown watching from the ramp for some reason. Whatever happened to the teased Abyss-Kong program from the PPV. Oh yeah, Russo’s got control again, so we have to have 20 angles that go nowhere every month. **
Show ended with Joe looking for Sting in the rafters. He screamed his lungs out, but only found Sting’s crow. Maybe Joe should start looking for Gabe Sapolsky instead.
SUMMARY: Good lord was a cluttered show. Just trying to recap all of this makes me feel like Miguel Cotto in the 11th round Saturday night. There’s simply no way an ordinary fan can keep up with all of these angles. The program flowed nicely for the first half hour, and it’s clear the company has got themselves a good act with Beer Money. Then came a torrent of angles and interviews that felt way too much like overkill. When Russo winning a vote of confidence from the company, this type of show will be the rule rather than the exception for now.
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