Larry Csonka's TNA Impact report for September 11

TNA Impact Begins…NOW!

-We get a video package from last week’s show.

-JB catches up with Sting, Jeff Jarrett is on his mind tonight. That’s sweet. I do find it rude that Sting will talk to JB, but blow off Lauren two weeks in a row. What a douche.

-Tenay and West welcome us to the show and run down what we’ll see tonight.


Joe calls out Sting and days that they are days away from No Surrender. Joe doesn’t care that he has people aiming at him for the title or about focus. Joe won’t leave here tonight unless he gets Sting’s head on a platter.

Nash says Joe may not care, but Nash does. He invested 6-months in him. Joe says Nash laid hands on him and after he takes care of Sting, Nash is next. Nash says he feels like a father that smokes and drinks telling his kid not to do the same. Nash says he understands why Joe would want to beat his ass, but Joe is the World Champion. But while he looks for Sting, he has three guys gunning for the title and that is all they care about. Nash says he is wrong, but he set something up for Joe to show that he isn’t ready. He has three opponents, and if he goes through them, he knows Joe is ready.

Joe says he would defend the title with his life and do it for these fans, so to prove to everyone tonight he will take this challenge. After he is done with that trash, be assured that he is coming after Sting.

-Lauren is with The Beautiful People. They discuss the beauty pageant that is happening tonight. Love says that beauty is everything, that it is not about family, friends or money, beauty is everything. At No Surrender she WILL be the new knockouts champion, but she makes an example out of Wilde tonight.

THE ABYSS OPEN CHALLENGE: Abyss vs. Christian Cage

Abyss tosses Cage away to begin the match. Rights and lefts by Cage, off the ropes and a shoulder block by Abyss. Abyss misses a charge and Abyss takes him back down. Running ass splash in the corner by Abyss. Off the ropes and a boot by Cage, charges Abyss and takes a flapjack. Abyss pulls Cage to the corner, charges once again and misses as Cage moves. Clotheslines by Cage, off the ropes and a back elbow by Cage, 2nd rope spinning uppercut connects and a cover for 2. Basement dropkick by Cage, he goes up top and a FROG SPLASH connects by Abyss GOOZLES him! Cage escapes the chokeslam, but Abyss then gets it anyway and covers for 2. Abyss is not happy about the count. Shock treatment countered and Cage gets the unprettier, but Kurt Angle charges in and get a DQ.

Winner: Christian Cage @ 4:30 via DQ

  • This was actually a good little match until the run in.

    RATING: **

    -Booker T is out, they get a chair and try to take Cage out, but Angle gives Abyss the chair. They hold Cage as Abyss looks terrified. He drops the chair and takes out Booker and Angle. The numbers get to Abyss, Booker has the chair but Matt Morgan makes the save for Abyss. Morgan grabs the mic and says if they want a fight, he challenges them to a tag match later tonight. Angle accepted.


    JB announces the contest, and the judges. The judges are Curry Man, Super Eric and Shark Boy. He then announces Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Cute Kip. This will be the evening gown portion of the contest. Taylor Wilde is then announced.

    They take turns posing, including a stare down and lame music and lame commentary from West and Tenay.

    The judge’s results:

    Curry Man – Angelina Love

    Shark Boy – Taylor Wilde

    Super Eric - Taylor Wilde

    Taylor Wilde is up 1-0.

    -We get a video package for AJ Styles.

    -Lauren is with Sonjay Dutt. They discuss the ladder of love match, with SoCal Val being the prize. Dutt just wanted a chance to win her love. He doesn’t care that he ruined Jay’s life because he wants Val. By any means necessary he will win her love. His father told him to make sure that he has more than the next guy, even if he is her friend. No mercy at No Surrender for Jay Lethal.


    Sting is her guest, no makeup. He wants respect for the whole business, not just himself. She mentions that he wanted to retire, and he says he was ready to walk away. He had this flashback of his whole career, young guys offering the Ric Flair’s of the business their chair and those kind of things. It doesn’t matter what you think about a Kurt Angle, you do not do what AJ Styles did to him. He never would have treated a Flair or Hogan that way. They paved the way for him. If respect doesn’t come back to the business, it will disintegrate. Karen says the young guys want the old guys to step aside. Sting says he knows what it is like to be the low man, the JAYBRONE, he has been there. “I HAD RESPECT!” I will get it into these guys, tough love if you will. Karen mentions Jeff Jarrett, and Sting says his dad gave him his break, and he doesn’t know where he stands, he cannot wait to see where he stands.

  • Tenay and West run down the No Surrender Card. - The Rock and Rave Infection (Rave, Rock and Hemme) vs. The Prince Justice Brotherhood (Shark Boy vs. Curry Man vs. Super Eric)

    - Team 3D vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss

    - Ladder of Love Match: Sonjay Dutt vs. Black Machismo Jay Lethal

    - TNA X-Division Title Match: Petey Williams © vs. Consequences Creed vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir

    - TNA Knockouts Title Match: Taylor Wilde © vs. Angelina Love

    - TNA Tag Team Title Match: Beer Money © vs. LAX

    - Four Ways to Glory TNA World Title Match: Samoa Joe © vs. Booker T vs. Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage

    -AJ Styles hits the ring and says that Frank Trigg should be out there right now. He should be getting the piss beat out of him by AJ. After a commercial Frank Trigg makes his way to the ring. Trigg says he doesn’t understand half of what AJ said because he doesn’t have his HICKMETER with him. He mocks AJ’s amateur background and says that he is a professional MMA fighter, he hurts people for a living. Trigg says where he comes from, they go for KO’s and Submissions. Trigg proposes 3-5-minute rounds, submissions only at No Surrender. Trigg mocks AJ’s handshake, SLAPS the piss out of Trigg and they BRAWL! Security breaks them up.

    -Lauren is with Christian Cage. He says that it is the law of survival around here. Cage says he may not be the biggest, strongest or fastest but he always fights. Listen up real good, because it will take a hell of a lot to keep him down and out of the No Surrender main event. It is in his back yard. One hour from where he grew up, one hour away from where he fell in love with wrestling. One hour away from pretending he was a wrestler. One hour away from where he took his college money to afford wrestling school, busting his ass day in and out. One hour from where he had his first match, where he made $10. One hour away from where all of his Canadian peeps will be watching. Angle, Booker, Joe; one hour, it all comes full circle. Because in three seconds, the Instant Classic becomes the word heavyweight champion again. If you don’t know, now you know.


    JB runs down the event again.

    Wilde goes first for the bikini contest. Damn it is cold in there.

    Love is next, she gets some perfect stripper style music, which I am sure she is used to. She goes to the judge’s table and disrobes over there.

    The judge’s results:

    Curry Man – Angelina Love

    Shark Boy – Angelina Love

    Super Eric – Taylor Wilde

    It is tied 1-1.

    -We get a video package for Awesome Kong vs. ODB.

    Knockouts Bimbo Brawl: Roxxi vs. Awesome Kong w/Riesha Saeed

    Kong attacks Roxxi on her way to the ring, tosses the shopping cart away and then slams Roxxi into the barricade. Into the crowd they go and Kong TREE SLAMS HER INTO THE WALL! That had to suck. Back to ringside they go, but Roxxi battles back with rights and then slams Kong to the steel steps. We head to a commercial @ 1:45.

    Back from commercial @ 5:30 as Roxxi gets a boot to Kong, gets tossed back to the mat but Roxxi charges her again with rights. Trashcan lid shots by Roxxi, a running boot connects and a cover for 2. Roxxi has a chair, drop toehold on Kong into the chair. A bulldog by Roxxi lands Kong on the chair and a cover for 2. Kong battles back with a lariat, grabs the chair and lays it out on the mat. Slams Roxxi onto the chair, goes to the 2nd rope and MISSES the Amazing Press! Roxxi coves for 2. Roxxi argues with the ref, which allows Kong to KILL Roxxi with a chair shot, and Roxxi is busted open and bleeding. KONG BOMB and that is all,

    Winner: Awesome Kong @ 8:30 via pin

  • I hate these bimbo brawls. Someone asked me during this show, “When was the last time a chick bled on TV.” My answer was the last time Roxxi got busted open in one of these stupid hardcore chick matches. Go back to putting on GOOD women’s wrestling instead of this bullshit. Roxxi is a trooper, but continues to get no reward for her hard work and willingness to sacrifice for this company.

    RATING: *

    -Roxxi is laying in a pool of her own blood. Saeed and Kong set up chairs to try and finish off Roxxi, but ODB is out to makes the save. Kong uses the ref as a shield and escapes. Slick Johnson talks shit to ODB, and gets laid out by a chair shot.

    Non-Title Nash Challenge Match: Samoa Joe © vs…

    Johnny Devine is victim number 1. Devine attacks at the bell, but Joe KILLS him with a DVD and pins him in like, 20-seconds.

    Lance Rock is up next. The Rock and Rave do their pose, and then Rock attacks Joe. Clubbing shots by Rock, but Joe back with jabs and rights. An Irish whip and back elbow by Rock. Joe then sidesteps a cross body try. Hemme tries to distract Joe, doesn’t work and a big leaping kick by Joe. CHOKE and Rock is Joe’s bitch in about 2-minutes.

    Joe awaits his third challenger, who will be…TOMKO! Tomko and Joe stand off, remember when Tomko pinned Joe and was the hottest guy in the company? Anyway they trade big shots, forearms and rights, to the corner and chops by Tomko. Joe levels him with a forearm shot, but Tomko rebounds and levels Joe with the clothesline. Tomko tries to keep Joe grounded, but he battles out and then gets a superkick on Tomko. Good angle from the camera as it looked to miss actually. Tomko fights off the muscle buster, but Joe beat shim down, senton back splash and a cover for 2. Forearm strikes by Tomko, off the ropes and a snap slam by Joe gets 2.Tomko comes back with the TREE SLAM and gets a cover for 2. Tomko looks for a powerbomb, but Joe backdrops out and then misses a corner splash. Tomko charges in… STJOE~! Tomko set up top, MUSCLE BUSTA! 1…2…3.

    Winner: Samoa Joe @ 7:00 (Total Time) via Pin, Submission and Pin

  • I liked the idea of the segment and it came off well as Joe looked dominant. The after match promo by Nash is the big time angle alert for the PPV in my opinion, but was also well done.

    RATING: **

    -Nash does the point to Joe, grabs the mic and says Joe proved him wrong and then says he feels sorry for those sons of bitches in Toronto. Nash says he taught him everything he knows, and that Joe is on his own. BROTHERS GOTTA HUG MAN!


    This is the talent competition, and it is tied 1-1 overall.

    Angelina Love will have an oral presentation. Way too easy, just like her. HUZZAH~! Love say this is in three parts, they tell a shitty knock-knock joke to begin. My 6-year old knows better jokes. Love then says she wrote a poem for Wilde: “There once was a girl named Taylor, who went to a school names Baylor, she scored first rank in the class of skank because the whole football team nailed her.” Wow. They then sing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” Wow, kill me now.

    Taylor is up next, she plays seven instruments, and will play drums. She kicks ass while Curry Man dances.

    The judge’s results:

    Curry Man – Angelina Love

    Shark Boy – Taylor Wilde

    Super Eric – Taylor Wilde

    Taylor Wilde wins the beauty contest. The Beautiful People throw a fit as Wilde gets her tiara, sash and roses. Kip James is OUTRAGED, Wilde slaps him and the Beautiful People beat down Wilde. Kip holds off the Brotherhood, but Rhino makes the save. Love stole the sash, what a bitch.

    -We get a video package for the Four Ways to Glory TNA World Title Match.

    Booker T w/Sharmell and Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss

    I wonder if the whole “bestiality” deal with Angle and Sharmell was ever resolved. Angle and Morgan to begin. Go behind by Angle, he eats a back elbow and gets tossed to the corner, splash by Morgan and then a side slam connects for 2. Tag to Abyss, who beats down Angle with huge rights and lefts. Angle rakes the eyes of Abyss, uppercuts by Angle, off the ropes and a big boot by Abyss levels Angle. Abyss covers for 2 as Booker makes the save. All four men in the ring, Abyss and Morgan clean house as we head to commercial @ 3:00.

    Back from commercial @ 6:00 as Angle works over Morgan with forearms, that does jack shit and Morgan slams him down. Drop toehold by Angle, elbow drop follows and then Booker works over Morgan. Booker tags in, mounted rights to Morgan, tags Angle back in and he just lays in the boots on Morgan in the corner. Suplex try by Angle, but Morgan gets a suplex of his own and now both men need the tag. Abyss gets the hot tag and the monster is fired up and goes for a chokeslam but Angle stops that. Bicycle kick by Morgan sends Angle to the floor. BLACK HOLE SLAM on Booker! The ref tries to control Morgan, gets distracted and 3D are out, they NAIL ABYSS with a chair shot to the head, and Angle covers for the win.

    Winner: Kurt Angle and Booker T @ 10:30 via pin

  • This was a good formula tag that allowed Morgan to show more here than he has been able to thus far in the company. The run in also sets up well for the PPV tag match.

    RATING: **½

    -3D is very proud of themselves as Morgan and Abyss regroup in the ring.


    Sting says it is time for good old Jeff Jarrett to come out, come out where ever you are. Sting has no issue with Jeff, but he wants to know if Jeff has a problem with him. Sting just wants to talk things out. He knows Joe is here as well, the line is drawn, come cross it. Joe is in the rafters, and says he isn’t disrespectful, but Sting is insecure. He thinks Sting views him as a threat. Joe welcomes him to come to No Surrender, because he will not be coming alone.

    Jarrett’s music hits, and he appears on top of the entrance tube, guitar in hand.

    *End scene… {plug}

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