Ryan Mulligan's Smackdown TV report for HALLOWEEN~!



WWE Friday Night SmackDown! Report 10/31/08
Taped 10/28/08 in San Diego, California.

By Ryan Mulligan
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Line of the night, courtesy of Vickie Guerrero, "His brains will
explode in mind-bending terror as he gasps for his last foul breath!"

This past weekend at "Cyber Sunday" humanity failed by not voting
Vladimir Kozlov into the WWE Title match, which resulted in the
further burial of Charismatic Enigma Jeff Hardy at the hands of Triple
H. Elsewhere, The Big Show narrowly avoided death as a result of The
Undertaker and his gogoplata of larynx-crushing capabilities. This
week on "SmackDown" it's Halloween, which can mean only one thing:
DRUIDS~!

We open the show backstage with The Big Show giving a sore
throat-infested promo, putting over Taker's devastating submission,
while at the same time reminding everyone that it's illegal. He
threatens to bury Taker. Um, the guy's been buried before. He'll just
shoot lightning at the grave and wind up just fine. He'll probably
no-sell his legit death. The camera pans over to Vickie and Chavo
Guerrero, who are in front of a casket. Vickie then goes into a
hilariously overacted and overwritten story about Taker's impending
demise in tonight's casket match. She informs Chavo that he's the
unlucky soul whose time in this world ends tonight. He responds with a
tremendous look that mixes bewilderment with a supreme lack of
confidence. Vickie wishes us a "Happy Halloween," and the segment
concludes with her cackling like a seasoned witch.

Non-Title Match: WWE Tag Team Champions The Colons vs. The Miz and John Morrison
JR, who's dressed as a sailor, gets in a joke about Pat Patterson
asking him to the prom at the start of the match, the mental image of
which I doubt I'll ever be able to shake. Morrison opens with a hip
swivel. Primo no-sells that. The young Colon fires off an arm-drag and
a headscissors, before tagging in Carlito, who hits a
leapfrog-distraction dropkick. He springboard-moonsaults onto his feet
and clotheslines "Bedazzled Abs" down. However, Carlito follows that
up by getting hung up on the middle rope. The Miz enters and provides
a failure of his own by missing on a corner clothesline-attempt. He
takes an arm-drag and a double back body-drop, prior to getting
clotheslined to the floor. Morrison attacks two guys at once, which is
never smart, and winds up getting hip-tossed over the top onto Miz on
the floor in a cool spot.

After a break, Primo takes Miz off his feet with a hip-toss. Carlito
channels the spirit of Manu and hits a headbutt off the ropes off a
Primo drop toehold. Carlito allows Miz to tag out, but Morrison
doesn't fare any better. Carlito, like a typical older brother,
powerbombs Primo onto Morrison, which gets a two-count. Primo seizes
the opportunity to knock Miz off the apron, leaving him prey for
Morrison's Tidal Wave. Primo is YOUR Colon-in-peril. The heels briefly
wear down Primo with restholds and heelish offense, highlighted by
Morrison slingshoting Primo's throat under the bottom rope. The Miz
eventually blows the advantage by choosing to apply a full nelson.
He's neither Hercules Hernandez nor Billy Jack Hayes, and so Primo is
able to power out of it and make the hot tag to Carlito. He
springboard-somersaults his way in, almost overshooting Miz. He hits a
sit-down powerbomb, but Morrison is able to break up the count. Primo
and Morrison find themselves on the floor, and a Carlito roll-up gets
a long two on Miz. Morrison is able to trip up Carlito when he goes to
springboard off the middle rope, however, and Miz finishes him off
with the Reality Check. Good match, perhaps for the fact that the
faces controlled the majority of the match, and we weren't forced to
sit through a long heel-beatdown segment, as is usually the case. I'm
fine with them putting Miz and Morrison over to build the DX tag match
on Monday, but I probably would've chosen Jesse and Festus and not the
champs to put them over. Did I seriously just suggest jobbing out
Festus? Too much candy corn and not enough biscuits and gravy today.
Winners: The Miz and John Morrison

We get an uproarious still-shot hyping the casket match that features
Chavo donning a face of pure terror. They should use the same facial
expression on HHH when he has to face Kozlov.

In an effort to hype "Magic's Biggest Secrets Revealed," we get a
segment featuring Maria, Jesse and Festus and a masked magician. The
magician boxes up Maria, rotating her head and twisting her body
around until it's well-twisted. Sedate Festus responds to this with a
look perhaps of concern. It's hard to tell sometimes. Jesse warns the
magician to untwist Maria before Festus bear-paws him straight to
hell, and the magician obliges. Festus and Maria have the chemistry of
Romeo and Juliet. On a sidenote, I can't imagine anyone under any
possible circumstances choosing to watch this magic show. Not even
aspiring magicians.

John Wayne Yang vs. THE Brian Kendrick (with Ezekiel Jackson)
He's not quite yer boy tonight. Yang takes THE Brian Kendrick for a
ride early by connecting with a hurrancanrana on THE Brian Kendrick.
He then SWEEPS THE LEG~! of THE Brian Kendrick. Before THE Brian
Kendrick can even entertain the thought of being awesome Yang
dropkicks THE Brian Kendrick out to the floor. Yang gets momentarily
distracted by Ezekiel, and THE Brian Kendrick forearms him off the
apron. THE Brian Kendrick hits a hammerlock slam, but THE Brian
Kendrick misses with a kneedrop off the middle buckle. Yang kicks THE
Brian Kendrick directly in the back of THE Brian Kendrick's head. He
hits the nifty spinning heel kick over the corner, followed by a high
crossbody off the top on THE Brian Kendrick for two and change. THE
Brian Kendrick goes for a fluke THE Kendrick, but Yang avoids that.
Yang comes off the top with a moonsault, but Zek pulls THE Brian
Kendrick out of the ring during the pin-attempt to prevent THE Brian
Kendrick from being pinned. That's a disqualification. Yang goes for a
plancha to the outside, but Zek catches him in mid-air and drops him
face-first on the apron. Zek lays out Yang with the one-armed Rock
Bottom, and then THE Brian Kendrick seals Yang's fate with THE
Kendrick. I've always found Yang entertaining and a great worker, but
it seems odd to randomly almost put him over decisively on the rising
THE Brian Kendrick without so much as a hint in recent months that
Yang could win a match. It would be like MVP beating HHH next week.
Well, okay, it's not as far-fetched as that.
Winner: John Wayne Yang

The Great Khali (who gets a face pop!) and "Epic Sideburns" Runjin
Singh are walking backstage, when Kung Fu Naki shows up and offers to
teach them the art of distraction. The Great Khali says that size
matters. I thought Khali had a disproportionately tiny tallywhacker,
though? Shouldn't he be upset that size matters then?

It's time for another edition of the "Khali Kiss Cam." They've been
getting non-stop love letters for the Punjabi Playboy. Kayfabe. This
week they wind up picking an overweight woman dressed as a witch with
a green face and warts. She claims she loves Khali. They kiss
unimpressively, but the witch isn't satisfied. She wants a French
kiss. The segment gets even worse when she tells Singh that her face
really looks like that. The crowd chants "Khali!" to encourage him,
and the two French kiss. The witch sells the passion by falling down
in the ring. Vickie finds this HI-larious. I support the goofy Khali
face-turn, but three weeks of the Kiss Cam has proven to be too much.
He needs to change up the gimmick. Maybe they can have Khali and Singh
replace Helms. Khali could show up speaking Khalese, and then Singh
could translate and conclude with "The Great Khali's just sayin'."
Can't you already picture that on a t-shirt?

ECW Champion Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio vs. Kane, Mark
Henry (with Tony Atlas) and MVP
This is 619-country, and so Rey-Rey is hella over tonight. Kane
responds to his entrance by grinning. Didn't Rey beat him at the ppv?
I bet I can guess who's taking the fall in this one. Matt and Henry
start things off, with Henry slamming him down, but swinging and
missing with an elbow drop. Jeff enters and gets thrown down by Henry
as well. Matt comes off the top and gets caught in mid-air, but Jeff
takes out Henry's legs. Rey and MVP enter the fray, and Rey kicks him
down to size. The Hardys double suplex MVP, while Rey comes off the
top with a crossbody at the same time. He goes for the 619 on MVP, but
Kane pulls Rey out of the ring as he comes off the ropes.

After commercials, the heels are working over Rey, the highlight of
which is Henry standing on his body and the lowlight of which is MVP
applying a reverse bear hug on the mat. Kane eventually runs into
Rey's boots in the corner, and Rey fires out with a tilt-a-whirl
inverted ddt. He makes the uber-hot tag to Jeff. Jeff hits the mule
kick on MVP and knocks Henry off the apron in the requisite babyface
spot of the night. He connects with the Whisper in the Wind, but Kane
breaks up the pin-attempt. Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Matt sends
him to the floor, and Rey comes out after him with a springboard
crossbody. The Hardys team up for some Poetry in Motion on The World's
Strongest Man. Jeff goes for the Twist of Fate on MVP (still the legal
man), who avoids it, but MVP can't avoid the same fate from Matt. Jeff
finishes this one off with a Swanton on MVP. God bless.
Winners: The Hardys and Rey Mysterio

It's time for Kozlov. He's starting to get some impressive heel heat.
More than 5% of the fans are booing him tonight, at least. Helms pops
up to do a Kozlov impression. I foresee a push-kick with his name all
over it. Kozlov calls the fans "soft and lazy" for not voting him into
the match at "Cyber Sunday." Who could argue? He demands the next shot
at Triple H's title. This brings out The Game himself. The one
positive about Kozlov not being voted into the match is that now when
he and HHH are face-to-face it does seem like more of a big deal than
it would've. The champ calls Kozlov "Boris." Oh, Triple Hach. He says
that Kozlov's been making his name through sneak attacks and generally
underhanded tactics. He offers to fight Kozlov (death wish?), but
Kozlov tells him he just wants his title. In a close contender for
line of the night he remarks that, "Vladimir Kozlov will be king!" At
this point, HHH starts making Ivan Drago references, and I'm surprised
it took them that long to think of it. He says that the Russian killed
Apollo Creed in "Rocky 4," which hilariously gets heel heat, but that
the American eventually kicked his ass. Well, yeah, but movies are
scripted. The Cerebral Assassin tells him to take it up with Vickie.
He challenges him to fight right there, but Kozlov backs down in the
midst of a staredown. This is one of those rare instances where I
can't see HHH winning cleanly, or at least not in the first match,
which shows how well they've handled Kozlov thus far.

Divas Champion Michelle McCool, Maria and Brie Bella vs. Maryse,
Victoria and Natalya
The divas are decked out in their "Cyber Sunday" costumes tonight.
Helms pops up to make an erection joke, and there's one of my own.
Maria and Victoria begin the match by exchanging cartwheels. Brie and
Natalya tag in, and things pick up when Brie hits the traditionalist
flying mare. Natalya fires back with a harsh fallaway slam, followed
by a spinning backbreaker from Maryse and a tilt-a-whirl sideslam from
Victoria. Brie gets sent outside and so naturally she tries to scurry
under the ring. Victoria grabs at her legs and in a "blink and you
missed it" moment, we see EXTRA LEGS~! sticking out from under the
ring! Some semblance of a Bella eventually makes it into the ring and
tags in Michelle, who runs wild with a clothesline, dropkicks and a
somersault neckbreaker on Victoria. Maria blind-tags herself in at
this point and scores the three-count following a crossbody off the
top turnbuckle. Maria and "Brie" are ecstatic, but Michelle is
none-too-pleased. I'm pretty sure people are going to cheer Maria over
Michelle, so hopefully that's what they're going for with this angle.
Winners: Michelle McCool, Maria and Brie Bella

Next week on "SmackDown" it'll be R. Truth finally getting a chance at
the U.S. Heavyweight Title against Shelton Benjamin.

Casket Match: The Undertaker vs. Chavo Guerrero
We open with some mofo'n DRUIDS accompanying the casket to ringside to
the soothing sounds of the DRUID theme song. Chavo responds to Taker's
entrance with more fear than ever, but he's somewhat comforted by the
impending arrival of The Big Show, who stands guard on the ramp as the
match begins. Chavo scares himself by looking at the casket, and so
Taker has no choice but to boot him in the face. Outside the ring, he
introduces Chavo to the barricade. He drops Guerrero face-first on the
casket, and then, in a completely whacky spot, he places Chavo's head
inside the casket and punches the lid that's covering it. This is made
even greater thanks to the fact that there's a camera inside the
casket, so we get to see Chavo at his freaked-out best. Taker runs at
Chavo on the floor, but misses and winds up nearly crotching himself
on the casket, if you can picture that. Chavo launches himself at
Taker from the apron, but he gets caught and rammed back-first into
the barricade. However, Chavo is able to catch Taker with a DDT coming
back into the ring. Show starts advancing towards the ring, but Taker
sits up, and Show stops dead in his tracks. Buys. Chavo runs at Taker
haphazardly with a chair and gets back body-dropped for his trouble. A
running clothesline into the corner sets up the Snake Eyes and the big
boot. He signals for the casket to be opened, but Show slams it shut.
Chavo seizes the opportunity and blasts Taker with a chairshot to the
back. Taker responds to this by chokeslamming him. Show enters the
ring and starts unloading with punches and headbutts. The two engage
in a slugfest, and Show actually outstrikes "The Best Pure Striker in
Sports Entertainment," taking him down with a headbutt. You can't keep
a Dead Man down, however, and Show winds up missing Taker with a
charge and landing on the casket, which freaks him out. Afterwards,
Chavo (remember him?) takes a Tombstone and gets easily deposited in
the casket to pick up the win for Taker. Backstage, Vickie tells
Kozlov that if he can beat Taker next week (!) he'll earn a shot at
Triple H's title at "Survivor Series." The show ends with Taker
staring at Kozlov on the Titantron, perhaps mentally preparing himself
to feel the wrath of the push-kick.
Winner: The Undertaker

There was some decent action on the show this week, most notably in
the opening tag and the six-man, but more important was the angle
advancement, particularly in terms of setting up the HHH/Kozlov
program. Kozlov's certainly the most compelling challenger that The
Game has had to contend with thus far in his title reign. I highly
anticipate Kozlov's battle with Taker next week, as it should be a
true test to see just how far he's come. What I'm not feeling in
recent weeks is the increase in general whackiness on the show, with
Kizarny, Kung Fu Naki, Helms and Khali all appearing as rather
lightweight distractions. Don't bother writing me that Festus is a
comedy character. Stuff like that goes directly to my "Spam" folder.

 

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