Velocity and Heat TV reports for 1/8 with Nathan Hubbard



(Commentators - Todd Grisham & Jonathan Coachman)

Gene Snitsky Vs Val Venis

WWE, they give with one hand, and take with the other. The Snit is back on Heat (yay), but so is the Coach (aargh). After giving his towel to a mother with two kids last week, this week he tries his luck with a 72 (approx.) year old lady. She seems very excited. She may have had her first vaginal moistness in 27 years. Sorry. But that is what happens to actresses as they get older: Their parts dry up. ANYWAY. Val gets a strong start with various chops and things, until he tries his Kobashi moves and Gene blocks the side Russian leg sweep, sending Val down on his own. However, Gene misses with a follow up elbow drop, allowing Val to resume control. It's not for long though, as Snitters sends Val off the ropes and scores with a powerslam. Gene stomps Val a little, before ramming him into the corner, slamming him down again, and dropping a successful elbow onto Val's back. Another elbow to the back gets Gene a two count, and Gene switches tactics, picking Val up into a bearhug. Val gets out, wins a punching duel, and knocks Geno-machino down with a clothesline. Val knocks Gene down a couple more times and looks for his quarter-nelson bomb, but it is blocked. Snitsky takes Val up to the top turnbuckle, but Val fights out of the superplex attempt, pushes Snitsky, and misses the money shot, just like he always misses the money shot on Heat these days. Snitsky misses a big boot and Val rolls him up, getting a near fall. Gene makes no mistakes with the big boot on his second attempt, and picks up the deserved win. As Snitskyriffic as this match was (which, for me, is a very good thing), it also wasn't a bad match on it's own right

the heart throbs Vs Fred Sampson & Scotty Charisma

A surprisingly long segment before the match saw Romeo and Antonio pick out two 'random' 'Jersey Girls' from the audience to dance with, who just happened to be local indy valet Thalia and her mum. No wait, that's Trinity. Sampson and Charisma attack the heart throbs mid-dance, and the girls scarper. The jobber advantage lasts for about four seconds, and the 'throbs hit a pair of stereo dives to the outside. R 'n' A perform a series of double team moves on both opponents, until Sampson moves out of the way of a Romeo clothesline in the corner, and the ironically named Charisma necks him on the top rope. Romeo manages to get the tag after he back drops Charisma, and Antonio runs in to the ring, knocks Sampson to the floor and works over Charisma. The 'throbs hit a double side Russian leg sweep and get the win. This wasn't good: the 'throbs looked very ordinary.

The weekly 'Matt Striker says some stuff, does it well, but this is going nowhere' segment

Matt Striker says some stuff, does it well, but this is going nowhere.

Viscera Vs Tyson Tomko

This match was exactly as you would expect, and a bad way to finish the show. Viscera won, using his sex-drive. Which is a move.


(Commentators - Josh Mathews & Steve Romero)

The Dicks Vs Scotty Charisma & Fred Sampson

Here's an irony: The Dicks should start to shrivel as they stop taking Steroids. Chad and Sampson start off with a waistlock by Chad. Tank comes in and scores with a nice dropkick. The Dicks keep making quick tags and work over Sampson with various small man power moves. Sampson, by the way, has no hair. A double Dick dropkick sends Sampson over to his own corner, where Charisma is able to tag himself in, only to walk into a double Dick slam. Sampson kicks out of a second, but gets hits with a third, and Charisma also tastes some double Dick. The Dicks finish Sampson off with their finisher combo, ending the match via the Veg-o-matic. The Dicks showed some good moves here, but at times they looked a little lost.

Jamie Noble Vs Scotty 2 Hotty

Noble uses his speed to get a quick one count. And another. The crowd is supporting Scotty, as they always do, but it's Noble who keeps the advantage until Scotty scores with a pair of hiptosses and a scoop slam. Noble tries to send Scotty to the outside, but Scotty holds on to the ropes and comes back in with some right hands. Noble, however, resumes control with a jawbreaker and throws Scotty shoulder first into the cornerpost. Noble goes to work on the arm and shoulder, and takes Scotty over to the corner, dropkicking his back. A brief Scotty comeback via atomic drop is halted with a leg lariat for a two count. Noble continues to stretch Scotty's arm, and another comeback is soon ended as Noble hits a Northern Lights suplex and moves into an armbar: Noble lets go of the hold as Scotty nears the ropes. Noble tries to suplex Scotty from the outside in, but Scotty pushes him down, shoulders Noble to the gut, and runs in the ring hitting a pair of clotheslines and a back elbow. Scotty attempts a superkick but Noble blocks it, only to be hit by a second attempt, getting Scotty a two count. Noble reverses a Scotty whip into the corner, but runs into a boot, allowing Scotty to pull his big guns out; the Bulldog followed by the worm. Sadly, at least for the crowd, Noble doesn't even allow the Bulldog part, and hits his Fireman's carry into a gutbreaker over both of his knees, leading to the choke for the tapout. Another good (if not great) Noble match on Velocity, he may well soon be in line for a title shot against Kid Kash. Followed by more Velocity matches.

Bobby Lashley Vs Havoc

Yes, Lashley looks the part, but they really aren't going to build him up to anything if they have him make weak-arse promos as he did on Smackdown. This should be more like it, as he is about to destroy some guy with a bad indy name. Lashley starts off as you would expect, until he misses a clothesline in the corner, and HAVOC (needs a tilde bang) gets some offence in. Thankfully this doesn't last long, as Lashley slams him down and gets back to work. Havoc is bigger than your average Velocity jobber, which actually doesn't help when Lashley starts to throw him around with a belly-to-belly overhead suplex, followed by the Dominator for the pin. It's a shame that Mark Henry appeared on Smackdown (for many reasons), one of them being that he is having the kind of matches that Lashley needs to be having (on TV, at least). One jobber here got more offence than three jobbers did against Henry on Smackdown.

Psicosis & Super Crazy Vs Vito & Nunzio

Psicosis of the MEXIcools tries to start an USA chant against the American-Italian team of Nunzio and Vito. Funnily enough, this doesn't work. A reasonable ECW chant starts though. Unfortunately it's Vito to start, and he gets the early advantage over Psicosis. Psicosis comes back with some arm drags, wrings Vito's arm, and tags in Super Crazy. Vito throws a big right hand at Crazy, affording him the time to tag in Nunzio, who immediately gets taken down to the mat. Crazy calls Psicosis in illegally (ooh) and they do some fancy double-teaming. This blatant illegality (ooh) means that Vito's interjection to break up the resultant pin attempt is more than justified. Nunzio is thrown off the ropes, but Vito makes a blind tag and is able to catch Crazy from behind. Vito slams Crazy in the corner and hits his nice top rope-assisted splash. Nunzio is tagged back in and hits "a twisting move" (thank you Steve Romero), but Psicosis breaks the pin. Nunzio drops a knee and wears Crazy down on the mat. Vito is back in and tries to suplex Crazy, but Crazy lands on top and gets a two. Vito regains control and the Crazy beatdown continues. With Nunzio as the legal man, and Vito also in the ring, Crazy knocks them both down with a dropkick/Tornado DDT combo, and finally gets the hot tag to Psicosis. Psicosis starts with a spinning leg lariat to both opponents, a back body drop to Vito and an elbow to Nunzio. The Mexicools do a nice double team that I'm not even going to attempt to describe, but it only gets a two. Vito tries to throw Crazy to the outside, but Crazy holds on to the bottom rope, and jumps back in, dropkicking Vito from behind and sending him through the ropes on the other side of the ring. Crazy naturally follows up with a dive, allowing Psicosis to counter a Nunzio tilt-a-whirl into a roll up for the victory. A good match with a great finish; one hopes that the Mexicools will get some kind of real push now that Juvented is out of the way. Of course, with 'Gymino' making their debut on Smackdown, that push may not be coming any time soon.

I want to give Heat the point this week, mainly because of the Snit, but also because of Burchill's performance last week on Velocity. He made an impression last week, was finally allowed to use one of his big moves, and then this week...nothing. Not on Velocity, and certainly not on Smackdown. However, Heat sucks. Velocity doesn't. Therefore, there is no way that my conscience will allow me to give Heat the point. And it may be that way for a long time.

HEAT - 5


Nathan Hubbard

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