WWE RAW
(Commentators - Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler & Jonathan Coachman)
Well I for one very much enjoyed (most of) New Year's Revolution on Sunday, and Raw starts off with a long series of stills and commentary to show what went down in the Elimination Chamber, and after it. Following that, John Cena comes down to the ring, looking surprisingly chipper for a man who just lost his title. He got another mixed reaction, but mostly positive. Which was a shame because I think he was hoping for more boos. He talked about making choices: Edge chose to cash in his Money in the Bank; and some of the fans have chosen to think that he (Cena) sucks. "But you know what? There's also some folks out there who've chosen to ride with me, through the good times and the bad times". I imagine George W Bush cutting this promo. Especially because he said 'folks'. Cena has decided to 'go to bat' for those supporting him: everyone else can kiss his ass. Tonight, it's his turn to make a choice, and he's choosing to cash in his rematch clause, "right here, right now". Edge's music hits, but it's only Lita who appears. She said she sucked Vince's dick, and he agreed not to make the rematch until the Royal Rumble. Later tonight, as advertised on wwe.com, she and Edge were going to get in the ring, take their clothes off, and have sex. It took her a long time to say this. And made it sound very unappealing. Cena said that at the Royal Rumble, he would beat Edge's ass, "and you can bank on that, Bitch". Cena was good here, showing more 'tude, and the crowd were taking to him better already. It was mostly the same people cheering and the rest just not bothering to boo him, but they have a few weeks to rebuild him before he presumably takes his title back at the Rumble, and this was a good start.
Later tonight: Shawn Michaels & Kurt Angle Vs Chris Masters & Carlito, but next...
Trish Stratus Vs Ashley
(Women's Championship)
As we come back from he break, Mickie James is in the ring, bouncing along to her funky new theme tune. Trish comes out, but Mickie interrupts Lilian's introduction and tells the crowd to give Trish a better ovation. Lawler seems to think that it's Mickie who is taking on Trish, but no, it would appear that the Bra & Panties Gauntlet match was some kind of number one contendership match. Trish and Ashley battle for arm control and Trish takes Ashley down to the mat for an early pin attempt. Trish seems rather distracted by Mickie cheering her on at ringside. Ashley has learned some new moves, and she is trying hard, but she still just doesn't look comfortable in the ring. Luckily they keep it short as Mickie comes in to break up an Ashley cover, causing the obvious dq. Mickie tries to choke Ashley but Trish pulls her off and is not happy with her, the ungrateful cow. Lilian announced Trish as winner and still champion, which kind of ruined this as the whole point was that Mickie caused Trish to lose the match. I liked the fact that neither Trish nor Mickie turned on the other at NYR: they're slowly building up the storyline, and they have to make it last because they have no other fresh challengers. Well, not any who can wrestle well.
A video clip announces RVD's return, in the Royal Rumble match. If RVD can still go (and still wants to), and if they give him a chance, this could be a great year for him. Hands up who thinks that will happen?
Cena is in the locker room, and Vince comes to have a chat. He wants to make sure that nobody is going to interfere in the live sex show later. Cena says he'll just watch and enjoy it like everyone else, but Vince threatens to take away his rematch at the Rumble if he does get involved. Elsewhere, Chris Masters confronts Carlito about his shocking betrayal in the Chamber. Carlito says he can be trusted, at least more than Michaels and Angle can trust each other.
Rob Conway Vs Chavo Guerrero
(Royal Rumble Qualifying match)
Back from break, Conway is out, and they are well into his music. Do they have that many wrestlers that they need qualifying matches? Anyway, one would imagine that Conway will have a quiet Sunday evening in three weeks time. Chavo is in control early, until Conway sends him over the top. Chavo holds on, waits a bit for Conway to get ready, then tries to skin the cat: Conway knocks him to the floor before he gets all the way back in. Just because it's a Rumble qualifying match, it doesn't mean they have to do Rumble spots. Back in the ring, Conway takes it to Chavo, until Chavo sends the Conman to the outside with an en zuguiri. Chavo follows Conway out with a pescado. Chavo hits some mounted punches in the corner, but Conway throws him off as the crowd reach the count of five. Chavo lands on his feet and scores with a nice standing dropkick for a two. Conway rolls through on a crossbody to get a two count, and then does the Eddie shoulder wiggle and chest slap. It bothers me that they have heels mock Eddie for some cheap heat. Conway looks for the ego-trip, but Chavo instead hits the Three Amigos, following up with a frog splash for the victory. A good match for what it was, better than their usual Heat fare, and Chavo's frog splash is slowly getting better.
They show a 'Wrestlemania 22 Big Time Moment' of Edge winning the Money in the Bank ladder match. Probably about the fifth best match I've ever seen live, and not even the best match of the night, and they followed through on a stipulation for a change.
Angle and Michaels talk backstage about being tag partners tonight. Angle says of course he can be trusted, he has an Olympic Gold medal, whereas HBK is notorious for stabbing people in the bank. Shelton talks to his mama. They walk past Val Venis, and Shelton's mama recognises him from somewhere, from some movies she's seen...Val explains that he has been in some classics, like 'Shaving Ryan's Privates', 'Glad He Ate Her' and 'Hairy Twatter'. I know the first two of those exist, and I sincerely hope 'Hairy Twatter' does too. Shelton's mama is disgusted, and says Val is going to Hell. Tonight. OK that was funny.
Carlito & Chris Masters Vs Kurt Angle & Shawn Michaels
There is a sign a few rows back that says 'Watch TNA on Spike TV at Midnight'. Good advice. The story of this match is about who will turn on who first. Because of this, I will not give a blow-by-blow account, but suffice it to say Angle and Michaels are great, and Carlito and Masters are getting better. Notable moments: Carlito knocks Michaels down, tags in Masters and says 'Drop an elbow and he'll move'. Masters drops an elbow and HBK moves; Angle runs at Masters in the corner, Masters moves out of the way, and Angle hits the ringpost hard. Like, imagine how hard you could possibly hit a ringpost without your arm falling off, this was how hard it looked like he hit it; Angle and Michaels argue on the outside; HBK drops the top-rope elbow on Masters and tunes up the band, but Carlito trips him from behind and crotches him on the ring post; the crowd chant 'that's not cool'; Michaels get's beat up, tries to make the desperation tag to Angle, but Angle moves out of the corner to argue with a fan; this makes the crowd chant 'Angle'; with HBK in real trouble, Angle plays nonchalantly with the tag-rope; Michaels cut from NYR is re-opened; Angle avoids the tag again, so Michaels hits him, brings him in the ring, and superkicks him, all of which counts as a tag; Masters puts on the Masterlock, HBK just watches on the apron, Daivari tastes a superkick, Angle passes out. So, Carlito and Chris Masters win the match, and we seem to be heading towards Michaels Vs Angle IV. At least I hope we are. It was a good match, but not exactly the best thing ever.
They show the Wrestlemania highlight package with Peter Gabriel singing 'Big Time'. I would love to see Triple H making his typical Wrestlemania big entrance with Peter Gabriel singing 'Sledgehammer' this year.
Vince talks to Shawn Michaels backstage. Michaels Vs Angle part IV will be happening next week. Presumably with some kind of stipulation in Kurt's favour. Todd Grisham talks to HHH. He kind of buried Cena and Edge, and then went into his usual spiel of how good he is. He wants to win the Royal Rumble. I'd say that's a fair bet. "At Wrestlemania, the King of Kings goes back on his throne." Isn't that Jesus?
Victoria, Torrie and Candace snuggle in the bed that will be used for tonight's live sex. Three attractive women in a bed, and all I can think is 'why?'
Footage is shown of Edge's post NYR celebration in the parking lot, where he first suggested the idea of live 'torrid' sex, in the middle of the ring.
'Dancing with the Stars' highlights. Hang on, Bruno gave her an eight, but Len only gave her a six? But Len's the nice one in the UK version, he's nice to everybody. And he says things like "Weeing through the eye of a needle", and "Chesticles". Not that I ever watched Strictly Come Dancing, of course. Bill and Karen were my favourites.
Shelton Benjamin Vs Val Venis
(Royal Rumble Qualifying match)
Ooh, another wrestling match, it's been a while. First Conway and Chavo, and now Venis, who's going to be on Heat this week? Please let it be the Snit. Shelton attacks Val while he is throwing his towel: Val goes after him, but Shelton hides behind his mama. OK, Shelton's mama may be able to have some funny backstage skits, but it is not going to do anything for Shelton's career. Of course, this is the first time in over a year that wwe have shown any interest in Shelton's career, so perhaps he should be grateful for that. Shelton wins the match with the T-bone, after his mama stabbed Val in the arse. Shelton playing heel in the match just doesn't sit right, and Venis Vs Snitsky from last weeks Heat was better.
Kane Vs Gene Snitsky
(Royal Rumble Qualifying match)
I'm not enjoying this Raw very much, but if Snitters is not in the Rumble, then I think I may cry. Mean Gene hits a boot to the face, but Kane is quickly up and replies with a boot of his own. Kane throws Snitsky from corner to corner and follows up with a clothesline. A side slam sets up for the chokeslam and its over. Fuck this shit. Fuck it all to Hull. Kane says that Snitsky was the first victim on his path to Wrestlemania. Twenty-nine more to go. Then he laughed. Kane laughing averted my tears, but I'm still not happy.
Edge turns up, ready for some sex.
Back from the break, a bed is set up in the ring, and Lawler asks for some Kleenex. "The champ is here" says Edge. Twice in fact. He says nobody saw it coming. Not strictly true, but nevermind. He says he won the title not by being the strongest or biggest, but by being the smartest. Like with Lita, he saw what he wanted, and he snuck in and took it. He introduces a highlight package of his career, which was very good, but didn't really fit here. Then he decides it's time for sex. The lights dim, and some mood music plays. Edge takes his boots off, and take Lita's off for her. Lita strips down to her bra. Why the Hell am I transcribing this shit. Lita in Lingerie looks wrong. They get into bed to finish off taking their undergarments, and then Lita's big fake left tit pops out for all to see. The cameraman quickly turns away, thank God. The wwe is turning me into a gay. They pretend to do more stuff, and then Ric Flair comes out. I have never been so glad to see Ric Flair in all my life. Quite frankly I would have been happy to see Mae and Moolah come out by this point. Flair says he's going to show Edge how it should be done, but he ends up getting smacked in the head with a steel chair, and naturally starts to bleed a big one. Edge gives Flair a one man Con-chair-to on the announce table, and then Cena comes out and runs him off. Cena is left in the ring with a half-naked Lita, who tries to hide under the covers. Cena pulls back the covers, and, by the grace of God, Lita has put Edge's t-shirt on. Cena gives Lita the FU to end the show.
I did not like this show.
Nathan Hubbard
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