TNA Impact TV report
Saturday, 16 May 2009 03:36
TNA Impact 5.14
By Jeff Hamlin (
The Big News: Mick Foley is a total heel now after jumping Jeff Jarrett in Nashville to conclude a series of skits featuring Jarrett that largely went nowhere. It was a night where the memory of WCW was honored because one young star after another was buried at the expense of wrestlers who can’t have more than five years left in the tank, if that.
Mike Tenay announced at the top of the show that Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley had been involved in a confrontation earlier today in Nashville. They must own a fast car because they got to Orlando pretty fast. Guess Dale Earnhardt Jr. wasn’t driving, because they wouldn’t get there quick enough with him behind the wheel. Foley came to the ring and confirmed the fight. He said Jarrett wouldn’t be in the building tonight for the first time in TNA history either behind the scenes or in the ring. Foley pulled out the DVD of the incident, but said portions of it was unsuitable for some audiences. I guess it contained Rhaka Khan’s tryout. With the crowd egging him on, Foley said he would air the DVD on the air.
The Main Event Mafia was without Kurt Angle in their locker room. He’s supposedly doing a movie in Hollywood. Scott Steiner was left in charge because he graduated as a Rhodes Scholar from Michigan “Cuta Men Tata.” Booker will face Jethro Holliday, while Kevin Nash insinuated he got in on with Jenna Morasca the previous night. Nash, who looked totally out of it, announced that Morasca had agreed to financially support the mafia, but only if Sharmell was exiled from the group. Booker didn’t take too kindly to that. As Nash and Booker argued, Steiner said he would take care of the domestic problem tonight. Why would the mafia need financial backing if they’re comprised of guys who all main evented at one point or another? Then again, the Buddy Wayne principal of “It’s not what you make, it’s what you save” may apply.
Jeremy Borash went to ask Foley what was on the DVD. Foley was removing a picture of Jarrett from his office wall, claiming the picture was cracked. Unfortunately, the picture didn’t have any glass. Foley wanted Borash to teach him how he does his wide eyes, and Borash claimed he got it from Don Knott’s character on “Three’s Company.” Eric Young walked in and was upset about being held back. Foley ordered him into a match against Samoa Joe tonight.
1. Daniels defeated Chris Sabin in 4:42. The gimmick was the Motor City Machine Guns would prove that Daniels is Suicide tonight. A good match hurt by a lack of crowd heat. In fact, this was among the deadest crowds I’ve ever seen for an Impact taping. Daniels did a cool block of a tornado DDT into an inverted atomic drop. Alex Shelley was at ringside interfering, and Black Machismo and Consequences Creed watched from the ramp. Daniels teased the angel’s wings, but Shelley grabbed his boot. Daniels decked Shelley, hit a uranage on Sabin and finished him off with the best moonsault ever. **1/2
Mick Foley met with referees Mark Johnson, Rudy Charles and Earl Hebner. Johnson showed off his triceps. Wonder if the wellness policy extends to referees. Anyway, Foley talked with Hebner, and you know damn well no talk with Hebner has to include a Montreal reference. Foley ordered Hebner to not disqualify Joe against Young tonight.
Steiner asked Morasca to end her feud with Sharmell. Morasca, who has no facials at all, was hearing none of it. Steiner claimed that Sharmell was willing to apologize to Morasca and wanted to arrange a sit-down between Sharmell and Jenna tonight. Steiner would be the moderator, though he originally said “modifier.” Morasca finally agreed.
Angelina Love was asked who it was she was talking to on the cell phone last week after Awesome Kong took out Velvet Sky. Love brought out Cute Kip, who announce he would face Kong in a stretcher match tonight. Methinks Tom Green’s career prospects will look better than James’ after tonight. Doesn’t that match violate TNA’s man on woman ban? And why would they book that match knowing it shatters Kong’s size illusion when they match her against someone who’s 6-5?
There was a series of behind-the-scenes clips with Jarrett playing with his youngest daughter at their Tennessee home. Jarrett has some cute kids, but there’s something so pretentious about the owner of the company trying to push himself this way when there are so many more deserving younger wrestlers. Plus, it was nowhere near as entertaining as Foley’s series after he won the championship.
Samoa Joe defeated Eric Young by submission in 2:20. Tenay teased Joe seeking out an advisor, so apparently he’s about to get a manager. Joe was presented as more of a heel this week. Joe kicked Young over the top rope, and Don West reached into the Bobby “The Brain” Hennan dated reference bag by pulling out the name Tom Dempsey, who was the kicker for the New Orleans Saints that kicked a 63-yard field goal to beat the Detroit Lions (who else?) in a game in 1970, which is an NFL record that still stands. Dempsey did it with a Dusty Rhodes style special shoe because he was born without toes on his right foot. That fact wasn’t lost on West, who said the only difference was Joe has two feet. Reminded me of an old letter sent to the Observer which asked if you aren’t eliminated from the Royal Rumble until you’re thrown over the top rope and both feet hit the floor, then how was Kerry Von Erich ever eliminated? Despite the skit earlier, Joe never really did anything to try to get disqualified, aside from both men trading chair shots on the floor. In fact, why wasn’t Young disqualified? Young for a rolling reverse cradle, but Joe grabbed him and put him into the Cokina clutch, and Young passed out as opposed to tapping. Joe then carried Young to the back, placed him in the trunk of his car and his unnamed advisor drove off. ¾*
Mike Tenay’s sit-down interview was with Sting this week. Sting tried to play up his career potentially ended at Sacrifice, and how winning the TNA championship would be worth it. Nothing here at all to make anyone take the retirement stip seriously, and I doubt if the greatest acting performance on Earth could do that.
Then came another one of those segments that just should not have seen the light of day. Taylor Wilde’s and Lauren the interview girl were waiting for Taylor’s blind date. It turned out to be Daffeny, who was upset over Wilde not being there when her hair was cut by the Beautiful People two months ago. Daffney announced that Wilde would be facing her in the Monster’s Ball match at Sacrifice. The acting was just awful, and it got worse when Daffney jumped Wilde, including throwing her on the steps. Then Lauren, who shouldn’t be acting, had to make the save by holding up a shred of glass and Daffeny had to back down. Stuff like this keeps this company minor league.
Jarrett was shown again playing with his three kids. His youngest one appears to have a ton of personality. Jarrett was shown asking his oldest daughter how she did on a science test. When she didn’t give a straight answer, he compared her to Foley as a commissioner. I seen plenty of wrestlers unable to give straight answers after they take tests, too.
Awesome Kong defeated Cute Kip in a stretcher match in 2:27. Raisha Saeed interfered freely, including giving Kip a low blow after he tried to choke Kong. Kong then clocked Kip with two chair shots. Kong then did something really smart. She set the chair around Kip’s head, like she was going to Pilmanize it or something. But instead of splashing him on the head, she splashed him on his body, nowhere near his head. What was the good of that? Kip then played dead for the ten count. Love looked scared at ringside knowing that she was out of options to find someone else to face Kong. DUD
Steiner talked Sharmell into meeting Morasca tonight. Of course, Steiner said that Morasca was ready to apologize to her. Sharmell agreed, but only if Morasca said I’m story. It was your basic sitcom setup, so you get three guesses who wrote this. In fact, Borash even called it a double swerve, then wondered what would happen when neither lady apologized. The answer is Steiner’s double swerve would work about as well as all double swerves do: more confusion and leaving everybody pissed off.
Team 3-D did an interview about their tag team tournament when they were jumped by Brutus Magnus, Doug Williams and Rob Terry jumped them with briefcases. It looked bad because they only showed clips of the attack. Then, for some reason, Sheik Abdul Bashir and Tetsuya Naito walked through while 3-D was down. Rushed, and it meant zilch.
The Jarrett skits continued with him showing off the nightlife in Nashville. He went to a bar where the owners made a caricature of him, joining the likes of Merle Haggard, Jimmy Fallon and Larry the Cable Guy. Which one of those three don’t belong? Jarrett was walking downtown when Borash, looking to break Jarrett’s TNA record of most appearances on one show, showed up walking out of a nude karoke bar. Borash wanted to bum 100 dollars off of him, but Jarrett told him to pay his own bill. It was like Jarrett was trying to be a family version of Flair in these segments.
Brutus Magnus and Doug Williams defeated Suicide and Amazing Red in 4:30 in the Team 3-D tag team invitational tournament. It’s Beer Money vs. British Invasion in the championship match. Red was amazing and Magnus was, well, Magnus. It was night and day between the two in terms of workrate. Red left everyone’s jaw hanging with what was basically a downward spiral off the second rope on Williams. Suicide got the hot tag with the crowd the hottest it had been all night, but they died instantly when Magnus couldn’t keep up with him. Red did a somersault plancha to wipe out Magnus on the floor while Suicide hit the rolling cannonball on Williams. Finish saw Shelley and Sabin do a run in and give Suicide a double superkick, followed by Williams with the Ray Stephens bombs away kneedrop for the pin. **1/4
The guns, trying to unmask Suicide, gave him the Made in Detroit. Then Creed and Machismo ran in, teasing they were all going to find out who Suicide truly was. Machismo called the guns “The Rockers.” Suicide tried to escape, but he was held down. Machismo and Creed got the mask up to his chin, then had to hold it forever since they weren’t supposed to unmask him. It’s amazing a taped show can still have angles look bad. Fans were chanting for Suicide to be unmasked, which is the exact opposite of what it should have been. Finally Daniels ran in to make it clear he wasn’t Suicide, or at least this incarnation of him. Daniels gave Shelley the angle’s wings as he and Suicide shook hands. Daniels told him Suicide owes him one. Don West, who was much more of a heel on this show than recent weeks, was pretty funny trying to disprove the evidence, saying O.J. Simpson looked guilty but look how that worked out.
The exact same Jarrett package that played at the start of the show aired again. Can someone in TNA invest in a stopwatch so the shows time out right?
Steiner sat Sharmell and Morasca down together, but it just wound up with those two screaming at each other. Sharmell is so much better as a personality, she just acts Morasca right off the screen.
Kevin Nash defeated Tetsuya Naito and Yujiro in 2:20 in a tribute to the magic of 1999 Nitro match. Nothing like burying a great tag team at the expense of a 50-year old who can’t do much of anything anymore. Nash took a few dropkicks early, but pinned Naito with ease after a jackknife. Nash cut a promo on Joe afterwards. Turns out the burials were just getting going. DUD
Foley was watching the tape of the DVD in his office talking to someone, but it turned out to be the artist formally known as Mr. Socko.
A.J. Styles cut a promo about his match at Sacrifice against Booker, which is now a I Quit match. For reasons known only to Russo since he had to book this, the next match on the show was an I Quit match.
Booker T defeated Jethro Holliday in a I quit match in a whopping 5:17. Holliday may as well give notice. When was the last time you saw a babyface lose clean in an I quit match? Having watched wrestling for 24 years, I can safely never before until now. I could just hear Jim Cornette ranting about Bill Watts’ interviews regarding giving interview to set up stipulation matches. In TNA, not only do they they just throw a stip match out for no reason, they throw a stip out in a throwaway match on TV, then bury the babyface in his third appearance in the company. Then they wonder why they can’t create new stars. To make sure the match had no heat, Holliday kept giving comedy answers when Booker held the mic up to his mouth like “your mama”and “Sharmell looks good naked.” Sharmell distracted the ref, in an I quit match mind you, so Booker could hit the chair shot. I didn’t know you could DQ someone in an I quit match. Hell, Bob Giegel didn’t want to book Magnum T.A. and Tully Blanchard because he thought the match would get too out of control. Dusty Rhodes played that up for three weeks on TV. Booker then hit an ax kick, and Holliday said “I’m done.” I got flashbacks to Kimbo Slice. Awful booking. *
Mick Foley went into the production truck to give Craig Leathers the DVD. Foley then came out. The DVD was of Jarrett showing the audience around the old Nashville Auditorium, the site of the old TNA weekly PPVs. Jarrett talked about growing up going to matches there. As he went inside the box office to show where his grandmother Christine took tickets, Foley jumped him by choking him with cables. Foley threw him into a fenced door and pounded on him for several minutes. Then he walked out of the building and talked about what a dump that building was. Too bad he was telling the truth. They had to pipe in boos for artificial heat. Foley then cut a heel promo in the ring to end the show.
SUMMARY: There’s a reason why this company is known as simply WCW 2. All the younger stars are buried or just about dead, which totally defeats the purpose of what this company needs to be in order to make real money. It’s nothing more than a nostalgia company at this point with national television and this show hammered that point home.
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