by Spence Siegel

WWE Goes Broadway?

Not exactly the first thing that would come to mind when we think of WWE. In fact, putting the words “wrestling” and “cultural fine arts” together is like putting together “Dana White” and “Vow of silence” or “TNA” and “Well thought out angle”. Really? Even I, a 16 year-old kid who has gone to every play in Chicago from Wicked, to Jersey Boys, to Avenue Q was somewhat skeptical of what I was about to see. I got the invitation for “The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity” which was held at the old Biograph theater. Not knowing anything more about the play other than the fact that it was about wrestling, I came in with about as much of an open mind as I did for Show-Taker as the next big main event card. I had no clue what to expect.

I walked into the theater and saw the set. It was extremely simple. A ring that faced the crowd with one of its corners facing us, two projector screens behind it, and a small desk with a computer and three superstar action figures featuring the stylings of Brutus Beefcake, Corporal Kirchner, and Ric Flair. As my dad, Lance, John, and I settled into our seats, we looked around at the crowd. The demographic stunned me. I saw more white hair than Sheamus…Oh wait, that’s his skin. It looked like these people just got out of the bingo hall at the senior center. More so, I wondered how many of these people have actually seen a wrestling match, much less been to one? Ok, regardless, let’s dim the lights and get this play underway.

The play starts with one of the members of the five-man cast getting into the ring as the announcer. He began to introduce the following “match” set for one-fall with a ten minute time limit. He introduced the main character Macedonio Guerra. He was a small, scrawny character, kind of a mix between Chavo and Nunzio. That’s right, we have a Nunzio mention. There is no match, he begins to deliver an amazing 5-10 minute monologue. He talks about growing up a Brooklyn boy, watching AWA every Saturday morning with his brothers, then having their own matches after the show. He goes on about the action figures of the old days, saying that the AWA action figures’ arms didn’t move and the WWF’s did. One word, classic! I couldn’t stop laughing, my dad, Lance, John, they ALL couldn’t stop laughing. While we were trying to settle down and keep our guts from spilling out, a brief pause halted our laughter. No one else was laughing! Were these old people deaf? This was “A” material!

Guerra went on and introduced Chad Deity (dee-uh-tee), the physically toned and perfect face of “THE Wrestling”, which was the company owned by Everett K. Olsen. Deity made a ring entrance from the side of the theater, tossing fake dollar bills around as his theme music echoed throughout. He made his way through the crowd that seemed frozen. They had no clue what to make of the situation. He went up and down the aisles, and I’m not only wondering, but I am CONVINCED that no one here is a WWE fan, because if they were, they’d all be reaching out to tap his goddamn chest. He gets to the stage and we get the 3-5 rules on why he is THE Wrestling’s champion. Oh, did I mention he had a belt around his waist? Apparently, Chad Deity is the champion because Chad Deity makes money. “Not to mention, Chad Deity makes money for Chad Deity,” says Chad Deity. There was only one problem for Chad Deity, according to Chad Deity, “Chad Deity can’t wrestle.” It was up to the people like Guerra who had to make them look good in the ring, so that when all was said and done, all Chad Deity had to do was, “Pick ‘em up…Powerbomb ‘em…pin ‘em.” Guerra said, “You cant kick a guy’s ass in wrestling without the help of the guy whose ass you’re kicking.” So true.

The only thing Chad Deity DIDN’T do that The Rock used to, was the raised eyebrow. Well, we could say he coined the phrase “Pepperidge Farm ass Mutha Fuckas!” instead of “Candy-ass” but that’s really splitting hairs now isn’t it? Deity cuts one of the best promos of all time. It’s better than anything that Jeremy Piven, Cedric the Entertainer, or Kyle Busch could pull off. He talks about how he has FOUR crispers and everyone else has TWO crispers…and he doesn’t even USE his crispers. His crispers are bigger than your freezer, and his freezer is bigger than your refrigerator! Classic, but not to this crowd. We laughed at everything and they just stared. Then, in the middle of the play, they make some crack about and everybody burst into laughter. Funny, the only people not laughing in the whole building were us four. What? Did we miss something?

Macedonio hears of this man on the streets of Brooklyn who had the swagger to make any girl blush. He was the middle eastern balla from da hood named Vijneshwar Padujar (Vin-esh-war Paj-u-ar) who could do it all. He certainly had the charisma, so Guerra introduced him into the world of pro-wrestling. Huh, kind of like Khali right? Now Everett K. Olsen (aka EKO, yes, I just said EKO) was a business man that did “whatever was best for business”. I’m sure that this meant having Deity fight Cena for four straight PPV’s. THAT’s whats best for business. He had a bluetooth where every once in a while, he told some guy to feed his dog because that’s what he pays him for. Guerra went to EKO with Padujar to pitch the idea of a new character. He had a brilliant idea. A multi-lingual, bi-cultural, 6’4” beast who could do it all…EKO’s idea…a middle east gimmick. Immediately, Guerra cuts out to narrate as the others freeze, a common theme throughout the play. He says wrestling has already tried that, his name was Mohammad Hassan. Yes, we just dropped a Mark Copani reference. He said it failed tremendously…NO! Really? He urged all of us to go home and google it. How many people did that? We had the Sheik, Iron Sheik, Sheik Abdul Bashir mentions. I’ll bet my entire college fund that no one had a clue who Bashir was. Only us…us, and the actors.

Now we needed to give Padujar a name. Vinc-uhhhhh Everett? “I’ve got it! How bout…The Fundamentalist!” (GROAAAAN! SIGHHH! CRINGE!). Ok ok, how bout a finishing move? Before the actors could even give a hint, Lance softly whispered, the camel clutch. Two seconds later, EKO said the same thing. This was followed by another pause. “You see,” says Guerra, “Everybody in wrestling history who has ever had a hint of the middle east has the camel clutch as a finisher, because everyone from the middle east rides camels.” He’s saying what we’ve all been thinking for years! Ok, that didn’t work out, so they gave him a superkick finisher that EKO wanted to call the camel kick. I’ll just stop right there. Did everyone just forget that they brought this guy off the street with no wrestling background? Ok, yes, they tried to train him, but he was as stiff as Khali, yet EKO wanted to put the belt on him. Typical Vince.

Like many wrestling stories in real life, the reign of the boss drove two men to the brink of insanity. One couldn’t understand how the other could continue to kiss his ass. This play speaks infinitely about the life of wrestlers and the inside of the business. I loved every second of the inside jokes and obscure references like Bashir. The wrestling was kept to a minimum. Five, maybe seven minutes at the MOST, all staged combat. Great stuff, it was clear they all had knowledge of what they were doing. I urge anyone with a love of either wrestling or the arts to make an effort to learn more about this play. “The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity” plans to eventually take their performance to broadway, and I can only hope they make it big. The play really stood out to me and spoke of how this country uses its pride to promote the heel-face relationship. It’s the well-oiled machine that keeps the companies running, and as long as there’s wrestling, there will be nationalism.

-Spence Siegel