A big thank you to Justin Shapiro for filling in for me last week. I wonder if it's true he is called Justin because he has a very small penis? I apologise that what I write will not be as funny as Mr Shapiro's work, but I do swear a lot more, so everything balances out.

THE BIGGEST BATTLE ROYAL IN RAW HISTORY: The winner of this match gets a title shot later in the show. To answer the question of how Raw could have a thirty man battle royal without having that many on the roster, well the Brooklyn Brawler is there, Jim Ross is without a commentary partner, and there's the odd 'legend'. Rather than have all three hours taken up by entrances, most of the competitors are already in the ring, with only HBK, Carlito, Orton and HHH getting their entrances shown. HHH comes in last, obviously. Funnily enough, I'm not going to detail everything that goes on here, nor each elimination, but Carlito is the first to go after Edge, who has not entered the ring, spears him on the outside and chucks him back in the ring to be tossed out by Chris Masters.

Some of the chaff is cleared, but shit, this is as boring a start to a show as I could imagine. Fast-forward, Viscera goes, ad break. We've got about a dozen left, then Masters eliminates Lawler; Crazy takes out himself and Jeff Hardy; and Kenny stands around, unsure of exactly what to do. Snitsky nearly throws out HHH, but you'll be surprised to hear that he doesn't manage it. Ric Flair goes for Kenny, but they are both shoved over by Team Rated RKO. Another ad break, and things are picking up as the crowd is steadily thinning.

HHH, HBK, Lance Cade, Randy Orton, Edge, Chris Masters and Johnny Nitro are left. Masters is clotheslined out by HHH, then it takes four men to team up to get rid of HHH. This leaves HBK on his own to face the four. He dives at them, beats them all up and throws out Nitro. Orton turns on Cade and gets rid of him, leaving Randy and Shawn in the ring, and Edge on the outside having been superkicked off the apron, but not eliminated. I wonder what will happen? But hey, I have no problem in seing Cena Vs Edge again. Orton stalks Michaels for the RKO, but it's blocked, and Randy is removed. Michaels celebrates, but then Edge pops in and wins the match.
Winner: Edge (Time 25:15)

Where the Hell was Umaga?

Edge talks to Todd Grisham backstage about how it shall in fact be he who will defend against Umaga at New Year's Revolution. Orton comes up, and doesn't look too pleased when Edge says he has his sights set higher than their tag team titles. Poor Randy.

Maria talks to Chris Masters, and asks him why he attacked Torrie Wilson last week. He just wanted some revenge for Carlito spitting apple in his face. Fair enough.

We get some slow-motion replays of Joey Mercury's face exploding in the ladder match at Armagedden. That was pretty.

Todd is now at ringside, and he talks to 'the Russian mixed-martial-arts Sambo world champion, Vladimir Koslov'. He likes America, and looks forward to competing for wwe. Then he speaks Russian, which is naturally a cause for the crowd to boo him.

Chris Masters Vs Carlito: Carlito attacks Masters during Chris' posing, and throws him around ringside. They brawl into the crowd, but Masters manages to escape and run away. Carlito's face has done a Mercury, possibly as he collided with a cameraman.
No Contest

Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas Vs Matt and Jeff: The Hardys: (Handicap match) They should call Haas and Benjamin 'Team Angle'. Matt and Jeff are selling the effects of the Armagedden ladder match. Or more likely, they are really hurt. I don't expect this to be a long match. Shelton and Matt start the match, and they wrestle, which is always nice to see. Shelton works over Matt's arm, but Jeff gets the tag so Shelton beats him up instead. In comes Charlie Haas to continue the domination, as the crowd try to get behind the Hardys. Nitro joins in the fun, but gets hit with the Whisper in the Wind, so he tags Charlie back in. Jeff tags in his bro', and after some Poetry in Motion, the heels storm the ring. The Hardys see them off and Jeff hits a pescado onto Team Angle, then Matt moonsaults off the top onto everyone on the outside.

We have an ad break, which gives me the opportunity to realise I was very wrong about this being a short match. The heels are back to dominating and it's Jeff in trouble. They take it in turns to work on Jeff's leg, and there is plenty of double and triple teaming behind the ref's back. In fact it is quadruple teaming, as Melina takes her chance to join in from the outside. Jeff finally gets some space from a mule kick to Benjamin and tags in Matt, who breaks out the clotheslines. Side Effect to Nitro, then Haas, and a final one to Shelton gets a two count. Matt looks for the Twist of Fate but Shelton shoves him off to the ropes where Charlie gets a shot in and Shelton rolls Matt up for the three count.
Winners: Johnny Nitro and Team Angle (15:51)

The beatdown continues after the match, then Shannon Moore runs out to even the odds. Not really. Nitro beats on Jeff to further hype their cage match for New Year's Revolution.

Umaga and Arrrrrrrrrrrrrmando Alejandrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada talk to Todd Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrisham. Out of Edge and John Cena, Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada would rather have Umaga face Cena for the title, so they could get some Vengeance. No wait, that's the wrong ppv. Umaga will have No Mercy. Nope, that's not right either. Nevermind.

Melina and Nitro wander backstage, where they bump into KEVIN FEDERLINE~! He's here to do something, which Melina thinks he is so very, very brave to do.

Jerry Lawler talks to Sylvester Stallone to build up the new Rocky Balboa film. Looks like Johnny Ace got the wrong Rocky. Fnar. Stallone is really starting to look like his mother, which is a very scary thing.

Ric Flair Vs Kenny Dykstra: Kenny has new music, and a new surname. It's about time, but Dykstra? This match is exactly like all Flair matches, so instead I will talk about my sandwich. Some nice fresh bread, a smear of Taylor's English Mustard, and a thick slab of ham. The best thing about christmas is surely spending too much money on a beautiful ham. Dykstra misses his top rope ankle grab legdrop. I love ham. And sherry. Ham and sherry, happy fucking christmas. Kenny slips behind Flair and rolls him up for the clean win.
Winner: Kenny Dykstra (5:09)

Flair tries to give Kenny a handshake after the match, but Dykstra refuses the offer.

Edge Vs John Cena: (WWE Championship) Jeez, could they not at least make this the main event of the show? For the entrances, the crowd behave themselves with lots of boos for Edge and a huge ovation for Cena. As the match starts, a large portion switch their allegiances. Cena begins the match the stronger, but Edge manages to take control, which brings about some big 'Let's go [insert name here]' duelling chants. A mid air collision takes us to a break, and Edge has Cena tied up as we return.

Cena shows off his strength to power up and out of the hold, and hits a blockbuster which leaves both men down. They rise as the ref reaches the count of six, and it's Cena who goes on the attack with a series of knockdowns. Edge avoids a five-knuckle shuffle and hits a spear which leads to a close fall. I think Cena got his hand to the ropes, but Jim Ross was speculating a referees error, and Lawler was swearing blind that he saw a foot on the ropes. There was no foot on the ropes. They eventually work it out with the help of a replay. It was his hand on the ropes: go me. Cena shoves Edge off of a superplex attempt, then hits a legdrop for a two: Cena manages to complete a five-knuckle shuffle and gets Edge up for the FU, Edge's counter is countered into a suplex and Cena crawls over for another two count.

A float up in the corner by Edge sees him caught in FU position, but the ref gets knocked down and Randy Orton runs in with an RKO to the champ. Orton rolls the ref back in, but he is still out of it, and DX run down, with HHH giving Edge the pedigree. Cena sits up and makes the cover, the ref slowly comes round, slowly crawls over, and slowly makes the count. Edge doesn't kick out, and Cena retains the title via pedigree.
Winner: John Cena (14:09)

Cena realises what happened, walks up the ramp to DX and shakes them by the hand.

Cryme Tyme come out to the ring for a chat. They're not happy with Haas and Benjamin accusing them of perpetrating racial stereotypes, so they bring out a special guest character witness. It's George W Bush. No, honestly, it's the real one, not a shitty look-a-like. Stuff happens. Lawler and Ross pretend to laugh. George calls Condaleeza Rice 'one hot little black bitch'. He gets pick-pocketed. Moving on. As he leaves, George flicks the crowd the double middle finger. Fair enough.

Victoria Vs Mickie James: This is a non-title match. Victoria gets an early near fall with a superplex, but Mickie comes back with a kick to the gut. Mickie gets a couple of two counts with a nice bridging roll up and a backslide, then another from a wheelbarrow into a roll up. Mickie floats over in the corner, but gets her face rammed into the bottom turnbuckle. Vickie brings the rough stuff, but Mickie counters with some quick strikes. The Mickiecanrana out of the corner gets a two, then Victoria picks Mickie up, looks for a swinging slam but Mickie counters it into a headscissors takedown. A MickieDT attempt is foiled as Mickie is dumped onto the ropes, then kicked in the face to the floor. Mickie sells like her nose is busted, allowing Victoria to pick her up and hit the Widow's Peak for the win.
Winner: Victoria (4:27)

Victoria ticks Mickie James off of her list, then adds the Women's Championship to it, which she will get the chance to win at NYR. That could be a good match: this was ok, with a fair few nice moves that they pulled off.

Jim Ross is in the ring and he brings out Kevin Federline. K-Fed is about as popular as the Suffolk Strangler at a whore convention. K-Fed says he is not K-Fed, that is just a media made persona, whereas the real Kevin Federline overcomes all obstacles and loves to shock the world. Just like he will do on new year's day, when he will 'be whooping Cena's ass'. People may have laughed at him in the past, but he will have the last laugh. "Cena, I'm not K-Fed, I'm Kevin Federline, bitch". I love this man.

Not in a gay way.

Edge, Randy Orton & Umaga Vs DX & John Cena: This was made following all the shenanigans at the end of the title match earlier. If the heels don't win, I shall cry. Cena starts with Orton, quickly wins the striking battle and gets a two from a Northern lights suplex. Tags are made, and it's HBK who does his usual job of being the face in peril, which he stills does better than anyone else. Michaels eventually gets the tag, sending HHH in to face the unbeaten Samoan. HHH gets the better of him, but can't take him down. But then he does, with a clothesline off the ropes. HHH sets Orton up for a pedigree but Umaga breaks it up. Cena gets involved and gets a thumb to the throat. Umaga Samoan drops HBK, and then he and Cena fight away from the ring and up the side of the ramp, where Cena throws Umaga and smashes some of the scenery. They disappear backstage.

Back at ringside, Edge gets a chair and sends HHH flying into the crowd. The ref calls for the bell as Orton and Edge double RKO Michaels onto the chair. That was new. No result is announced (you could only assume a face team win by DQ in 7:17) so I don't have to cry. Thank God, once in a decade is enough for me, and tears taste really salty. A bloody HHH reappears, but he is baseball slided (slid?) over the announce table and mullered. He takes the concerto from Edge on top of the table. Then Orton gives him one too. The crowd want Cena, but they ain't getting him, and the only thing that saves Michaels from a concerto is the intervention of the refs and ring agents.

We go off the air with only the sounds of the crowd, and the images of the bloody DX. It's a surprisingly powerful end to the show.

My Thruppence: I wasn't looking forward to a three hour show, but this was a well-paced and overall entertaining episode of Raw. They took the opportunity to have some longer matches, which was a relief compared to the often frenetic chopping from one feud to the next. A couple of segments dragged: the battle royal took a while to get going; the Cryme Tyme shizzle was crappy; and I had no real interest in what Stallone had to say, but the majority of the show was strong.

The main matches for NYR were concentrated on, rather than filling the extended show with some half-arsed stuff with the Highlanders or Eugene, and DX had no stupid skits, they were just two guys who were pissed off with two other guys, and wanted to fight them. In the end it was Orton and Edge who left them laying, which was much needed, and was a strong finish to the show.

Mickiewatch: I liked her match with Victoria, who is by far the most solid and consistent of the Divas. They need to stretch the feud out, and if that means Vickie winning the Women's Championship at NYR, then I can cope with that. As long as Mickie gets it back and celebrates with copious and tumultous bouncing, I'll be fine.

One More Thing: Seriously, Dykstra?

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