Tis Christmas Eve, and I'm feeling in a giving mood. The plan is for myself and young William from the infamous F4W board to review the Monday Night Wars from the start of 1997, week-by-week, but as a preview at this festive time, here's a look at the December 23rd 1996 episode of WCW Monday Nitro.

We open with a recap of Chris Benoit beating Eddy Guerrero on November 18th. Those two have a rematch, well, now. Benoit is 2-0 on Eddy.

Chris Benoit vs. Eddy Guerrero. Benoit is sans Woman for some reason here. Those two have just returned from Germany, which perhaps means the same as a Japanese wrestler going to Calgary. Amusingly, they cock up the entrances, so as Benoit gets into the ring Eddy is already half-way to the ring. This is a US Title Tournament Match, with the winner going to the finals at Starrcade. They start with a slapfest and Benoit beats Eddy around the ring for having the temerity to trade strikes with him. They do the split-screen and show Kevin Sullivan cutting a calm promo on Benoit about Benoit taking his queen. DDP and his flowing locks come to commentary, which is bedecked in lovely tinsel and such. How festive. He's actually already in the finals, so he faces the winner. Benoit works the leg but Eddy counters to a sunset flip for a 2 count. Benoit pulls Eddy down by the mullet, apparently filling the mullet with violent energy because this inspires Eddy to do a nip up. They hit a break as Eddy does this wacky prawn hold for a nearfall.

AND WE'RE BACK~! I now owe In Your Head money. Eddy gets launched onto the top rope and worked over for a while. Benoit stops the comeback with an eye rake. RUDO~! Benoit powerbombs Eddy. Can I take this time to say that Larry Zbyszko is the most annoying commentator of all time. Yes, more than Lee Marshall. QUEBRADORA~! by Eddy. Lucha libre! Benoit blocks the Frog Splash with a superplex. Benoit tries to counter a sunset flip with a punch but Eddy moves and Benoit punches the mat. I always get a kick out of that for some reason. A chopfest breaks out, which Eddy - wins? Something is wrong there. Eddy gets hung on the top rope but the ref catches Benoit using the ropes. Benoit tries the back superplex, and the ref actually stands on the second rope to do... something. That's not something you see every day. Benoit shoves him off, Eddy shoves him off, and a spinning Frog Splash (where he started off with his back facing into the ring) for the pin. That was some good stuff to open the show. About 10+ minutes. These two probably can't have a bad match, and this was no different. Still pretty wacky to see Eddy playing the blue-chipper, clean-cut babyface.

Mean Gene interviews the Horsemen on the ramp. Sadly, Mongo is there. Gene says that Arn Anderson took a "shellacking" at the hands of Kevin Sullivan last week. That cannot be good. Arn says he took the beating last week for Benoit, because they're all Horsemen and they're a pact. Debra McMichael refers to the absent Woman as "that little creature". The fans do not like her, so Mongo is suitably appalled. She offers to hook Benoit up with a rat, I guess. Benoit says that he was in Germany with Woman, not to fuck, but to have meetings. Yeah, sure. Mongo tries to have words with him, so Benoit responds by screaming "TALK TO THE HAND! TALK TO THE HAND BECAUSE THE MAN DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I almost expected him to follow that up with something like, "I respect you Mongo - NOT!". Flair then closes it by saying that Benoit and Woman got in on and nasty and such, and then he dances. Oh that Flair, he so crazy.

The music from your favourite porn flick hits, so out comes the NWO. Vincent is there, so do not fret. So is Liz - YAY~! Hogan cuts a rambling promo in which he says he has Macho Man's wife, calls out Roddy Piper, and Ric Flair is "a stupid old man". Nothing to see here.

Now, next was something you have to see. An advert for the Roddy Piper flick, "Marked Man". This trailer was quite great, particularly for the man in the serious voice saying that the character Piper plays had a future - "and then people started to DIE!". I'd actually watch this film out of pure curiousity if I saw it at the video shop.

Tombstone vs. Lex Luger. Tombstone is ECW's 911. This was set up on Saturday Night when Tombstone promised to put an end to Lex Luger. Somehow I don't think he will. Luger lines the guy to the floor, but back inside Tombstone gets the heat and does nothing of any note. Then Luger made his comeback and put him in the Torture Rack and it ended. That was quite impressive, I will give him that. The Giant comes in post-match but Luger puts him in the Rack, so the NWO chases him off to save their pal.

Next up, clips of last week. Basically, NWO Sting and the real Sting came out, confronted the Steiners, both gave their bats away, then the NWO one got a Scorpion Death Drop like a geek. Then, in a brawl at the end of the show, the real one beats up a bunch of WCW guys (after they tried to attack him first, though).

JL vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. JL is, of course, Jerry Lynn under a hood. I personally thought the gimmick looked kinda cool at least. I suppose his gimmick was to be just a generic luchador. Kinda ruined though by him shouting at fans in English. He could have at least called them "los punks". JL misses a pescado and Rey leaps off the apron with the frankensteiner. JL gets caught on the middle rope and knocked loopy with a leg drop off the ropes by Rey. JL hits a Davebomb to counter another headscissors variation. Rey hits a top rope quebrada press. Rey dives to the floor with this big ass tope. Quite Santo-esque. Inside, JL with a pancake and La Magistral, but Rey scampers up to his feet as JL climbs up the ropes, leaps up onto the top rope and hits an electric chair frankensteiner for the pin. Jesus Christ. This was actually pretty good. Rey did some freaking crazy stuff back in the day.

Rey comes to the commentary position and says that Sting isn't going NWO, and what he did last week was normal, self-defence, unlike when the rest of the NWO act like assholes. "Sting is WCW!" he says. So, on order, they play a wacky video piece showing Sting being evil, set to "Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler. It looks very, very ghetto in 2006.

Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan are now with Tony on commentary, meaning no Larry. YES~!

Glacier vs. Sgt. Parker. Tony describes this match beforehand as a dandy. I'll give Glacier this: his pre-match headgear ruled. Apparently Glacier actually had to be given the name Glacier. I wonder who gave Roadblock his name. I believe Parker is also known by the alias of JACK BOOT~! Glacier does a bunch of awkward-looking kicks and stuff, and when the guys go to the floor he slingshots out and just lands clean on the floor. Doesn't that kill all impact on the knees of, say, a missed pescado? Anyway, Glacier hits a tilt-a-whirl slam and grazes him with a Cryonic Kick. They actually redo that and that gets the win. I liked the Glacier gimmick, but holy God was this just a prime example of it not really working out. His kicks, that he did all the time, looked really shabby. He needed to do more slams, mesthinks!

THE AMAZING~! French-Canadians w/Colonel Parker vs. The Public Enemy. I love Colonel Parker. "J'mapelle Colonel Parker, viva la Canada!" I similarly love the Public Enemy's music. "NAAA-NANANANA! NAAA-NANANANA!" It's like the worst rap song ever, but so very oddly entertaining as a result. Tony criticises TAFC for not knowing the national anthem's words, but they seemed to be singing permanently out of sync with the song. Anyway, TPE are appalled by this and send both Canucks back to where they came from: The floor. A few minutes of brawling later, TAFC hit this double team silla thing on one guy for only a nearfall while Parker destroys the other babyface on the floor. The Canadians try their version of the Drive-By assisted cannonball senton, off a table in the corner, but Rocco Rock, I believe, moves the table, causing Ouellette to fall way off the mark. TPE then use the table on the Canadians for the DQ before squashing Ouellette with the Drive-By. Well, that was kinda crap, but entertaining in its shittiness. I blame the Public Enemy entirely.

Last week, Big Bubba joined the NWO. From Hogan, Hall and Nash to Buff Bagwell, Vincent and Big Bubba. Just saying.

Big Bubba vs. Konnan w/Jimmy Hart. Apparently becoming NWO has allowed Bubba to increase his wardrobe to accommodate a swanky trench coat. Konnan is in full hoodlum mode here, with checked shirt buttoned only at the top and funky hat. I should note one young man in the crowd felt so passionate that they decided to write NWO on their cheek and then put a red circle and cross through it. Things don't start off well here, as Konnan does two consecutive dropdowns. I was told by a wrestler once that for a dropdown, to make it look less goofy, make it look realistic. Make it look like you're trying to cut the guy's running off. Konnan did not do that in here. He decided to lie on his belly so the Big Bossman could run over him a few times. Why did I just write so much about that? Anyway, Bubba goes after Jimmy Hart, perhaps because of Jimmy's annoying jackets, so Konnan follows with a tope, a very messy missile dropkick off the apron, and a dropkick into the ring steps. Biased official Nick Patrick does a very slow count on the floor, so Konnan goes after him. Bubba FOULS~! Konnan, and this is missed. Pure coincidence, I'm sure. Konnan gets choked out and throw over the top rope. DQ THIS MAN. How dare he throw him over the top. Konnan could have been killed by that act of malfecence. Meanwhile, Patrick ejects Hart, and you really have to see his action to signify this. He leant back, on one leg, jumped up a few times, and then pointed to the back passionately, as if to say: "THAT WAY!!!" Almost immediately after Konnan throws Bubba over the top, and gets DQ'ed. Well, at least one attempted murder has been made up for. Bubba drags Patrick to the back to prevent Konnan cutting him. That was pretty rotten, and at times annoying. "Look, Bubba is choking the man and not being reprimanded! I am OFFENDED~!"

Did I just write all that for KONNAN VS. BIG BUBBA?

TV Title Match: Lord Steven Regal (c) vs. Dean Malenko. Malenko is also the Cruiserweight Champion here. Regal has the best music on this programme. They do some technical stuff while the commentators discuss how much of a pussy Hulk Hogan is. Things pick up with leapfrogs and cartwheels and other such things until Regal blasts Dean with an enzuigiri. Meanwhile, Sonny Onoo comes out to take pictures. Apparently the presence of Sonny Onoo and a camera should distract Dean Malenko, as Dean is scheduled to face Ultimo - sorry, Ultimate Dragon at Starrcade. Referee Mark Curtis ejects Onoo, but because he doesn't do it as passionately as Nick Patrick did, he has to do it for longer until the point is fully across. This match, in summary, is really basic and good stuff, but doesn't feature any spots or anything that really stand out for the most part. Regal takes out the legs and tries a crab, but Malenko spins out and tries the Cloverleaf. Regal gets the ropes to break, and Malenko lays in the forearms. Butterfly suplay by Regal, and Malenko responds with a German and vertical variations, but the bell rings for the 10 minute time limit, so Regal retains. Regal, you old dog you! Was good for the post part, and picked up a fair bit at the end until the abrupt finish.

Rick Steiner w/Scott Steiner vs. Jeff Jarrett. Scott may be injured at this point, I'm not sure. What I do know is that he should NOT have chosen to wear a leather hat and waistcoat combination. It's like he took two of the best aspects from Super Calo and Chris Benoit's gear and combined them into one most gay attire. Speaking of, Jeff Jarrett's white stripes. Seriously. The fans are more interested in chanting for Sting here. Rick powerslams Jarrett into the buckles and drops a KRAZEH elbow. NWO Sting tries to attack Jarrett, but Steiner clotheslines him and Jarrett pins Sting. And then the bell rang. Wait, what? Did Paul Heyman take over booking this episode or something? That was... confusing. I think it's best we just moved on.

Hogan comes back out, sans posse. His ramblings are interrupted by Piper's music, and out strolls Eric Bischoff in full Scottish attire. This isn't even funny because Eric doesn't even ATTEMPT an accent. Eric basically says the opposite of everything Piper has said, like a true heel, i.e. "I didn't deserve to be in the same ring as you at Wrestlemania!" A ref comes down (Nick Patrick), Bischoff lies down, and Hogan pins him with one foot before Eric sucks up to him. A marching band of bagpipe players come out, which apparently signals Piper. Maybe they're like the druids are to The Undertaker. Piper does, in fact, come out, but gets beaten on by Hogan and his goons (who run in). Meanwhile, Sting watches from the rafters. Security dorks run in and separate Hogan and Piper to end the show.

Overall, not too shabby. Couple of good matches, couple of good angles. No problems.

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