By Stevie J

HWA ADRENALINE. Blood will be spilled! We open with a match.

* 'High IQ' Quinten Lee v. Aaron Williams v. Ed Gonzales v. Andre Heart

Williams is already in the ring, Lee is the first to be introduced on TV. Mariachi music plays and Ed Gonzales hits the ring, as the play by play announcers warn anyone in earshot that if Gonzales gets ahold of Lee's tag team title he'll hawk it. Wait a minute, unless I missed something, Irish Airborne have been the tag team champions since October 20th of last year and that hasn't changed - the HWA Title History page confirms it. What's going on? They must be showing episodes out of order again on AmericaOne Network; either that or this is a fill-in because there was no new episode this week. Either way it's annoying but the recap goes on whether or not the continuity makes any sense. The match starts with Williams eating a snack before circling Lee, and Lee's not in the mood for it so he tags in Heart the hard way. Both men exchange quick one count pins. Williams tags in Gonzales the hard way too. Heart overpowers him, standing switch reverse to a side headlock, Gonzales off the ropes with a shoulder block but eats a hip toss on the second try. Heart tags Williams who hits a snap suplex and standing moonsault for two. Gonzales with the eyerake, blind tag by Lee, Lee suplexes Williams and gets a two count. Gonzales gets the tag and charges Williams in the corner, knocking him down for two and following with a blatant choke. Lee tags back in and drops the leg on Williams' throat on the bottom rope. A second attempt misses and Andre Heart tags back in to beat the crap out of Lee. Springboard, bulldog, and headstomp get two. Gonzales tries to help but hits Lee instead. Heart goes for a backslide but Lee counters into a DDT. Williams breaks up the pin. Lee pounds away on Williams, Williams responds with a dropkick and then goes over the top rope to attack him outside. Back in the ring Heart gets the inside cradle on Gonzales for three. WINNER: ANDRE HEART. Williams and Lee continue to brawl as we go to commercial.

* Super Zeta v. Ala Hussein

Thanks to YouTube I've just figured out the airdate for this episode - September 16th, 2006 - because you can watch this match for free in its entirety here. Since this is already confusing here's another mind-boggling tidbit: Quinten Lee and Ala Hussein LOST the tag titles to The Mavericks two months earlier at a TV taping, but AmericaOne was so far behind when this aired they were still the champs. If I actually lived in Cincinatti and went to the shows this kind of shit would make me nuts, so I'm begging AmericaOne TO GET IT TOGETHER. One or two weeks behind at the most would be acceptable, but that's it, particularly when the poor fucks in HWA are trying to promote events and by the time you air the shows they've already taken place. Anyway Zeta offers Hussein a handshake and he slaps it away, so Zeta offers him a middle finger instead. Hussein and Zeta trade arm twists, inside cradle by Zeta gets a two count. Zeta leapfrogs Hussein, comes off the ropes with a crossbody, and rolls right through it unable to get a pin. The announcers call Zeta the Mexican version of Iron Mike Sharpe and even with what little of Zeta I've seen that's totally accurate. Hussein clotheslines Zeta for a two count. Dropkick gets another two. Zeta gets cracked face first into the math, Hussein puts him in the camel clutch, and we get jokes about broken backs and old school humblings from the announcers. WINNER: ALA HUSSEIN.

* Kimera v. Deja Vu

The lovely Mary Elizabeth accompanies Kimera to the ring as we come back from commercial, and they're wearing matching red and black outfits. Big Vu comes out wearing a hoodie that says 96 North, although I think his weight is pushing 350 South. Before the match starts Kimera gets in the face of the announcers and says he just LOVES hearing how much of a jerk he is. Vu takes exception to the stalling, rips off his hoodie and throws it in Kimera's direction. Vu and Kimera circle and lock up at the bell, Vu overpowers him into the corner, the ref finally breaks the hold and the two circle again. Kimera pushes Vu into the corner this time but gets reversed on a whip and clotheslined, which Big Vu follows up with a big splash and an elbow. Two count only. Vu puts Kimera on the ropes then fires him off the other side for a big back bodydrop. Two count. A weak "De-ja Vu" chant breaks out. He may be a babyface but he's not setting the world on fire here. Vu charges Kimera in the corner and he ducks it, Vu hitting the turnbuckle. Kimera takes advantage, first choking him out, then hitting the big boot. Kimera taunts the crowd before making the pin and only gets two. Kimera locks in the chokehold and Vu sells like a beached whale. I'm sorry, but I'd be saying the same thing if I saw Viscera or Big Show selling the same way - it does NOT look good. The match drags on at a snail's pace, Kimera works over Vu, Big Vu counters with a powerslam and nearly knocks himself out in the process. Cthulhu help me, it's a double clothesline spot, this match will never end. Kimera's manager gets on the apron, she appears to be offering Vu some nookie, and the distraction leads to Kimera getting a roll-up with his feet on the ropes. Mercifully this match is over. WINNER: KIMERA. LOSER: ANYBODY WHO SAW THIS MATCH. And now for a word from our sponsors:

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We're back ladies and gents, and hopefully this match is better than the last one.

* JT Stahr {C} v. Gotti (TV title match)

The play by play guys inform us that JT Stahr won the title at an event called "Doomsday," and that he's become an egomaniac ever since. Unfortunately we can't determine a babyface as a result because they inform us Gotti was an egomaniac the last time HE held this belt, declaring that since he was the champion of television he had to be in every segment ON television during each HWA broadcast. I'm glad I missed those days. Stahr appears to have gotten on the fan's nerves more than Gotti as the latter gets what even the announcers call a rare babyface pop as the match gets underway. Gotti takes the left arm to start and pushes Stahr down to the mat, continues control with a swinging neckbreaker, and Stahr rolls out of the ring for a breather. Finally another lock up, now Stahr grabs the right wrist, Gotti counters and works Stahr with chops and punches in the corner. Stahr reverses and hits an eyepoke, whips Gotti across, misses the charge and Gotti hits an enzuguiri. Gotti suplexes Stahr into a tree of woe and kicks him repeatedly before he gets in an argument with the ref about illegal tactics. Gotti chokes out Stahr on the second rope and gets warned again. Gotti stops on a dime when Stahr grabs the ropes, but Stahr just comes forward and steps on his head. Now Stahr chokes out Gotti in the corner and likewises gets admonished by the official. Stahr with a thrust to the throat, knee to the head, whip to the corner and short-arm clothesline. It's all offense and Gotti is selling, but Gotti finally reverses a whip into a fireman's carry then drops him on the knee. Whip to the corner, suplex, and Stahr hits the ref on the suplex release. Gotti goes for a pin but the ref is out of position from being knocked down so the three count is too late. A frustrated Gotti goes out for a steel chair, Stahr sneaks in with the TV title, the ref finally sees it and takes it away, but when he does Stahr pulls out some knux.. and gets bucked before he can use them. The ref starts a count and then notices the knux on the canvas. He accuses Gotti of using the knuckles and disqualifies him on the spot. WINNER BY DQ: JT STAHR. Bad matches and fuck finishes - this is not one of HWA's better episodes. Here's hoping the main event is better.

* The Crew (Pepper Parks & Sami Callihan & Helena Heavenly) v. Chad Collyer & Tack & AJ Sparx

A six-person intergender mixed tag - well THIS just has clusterfuck written all over it. Collyer is at this point the HWA heavyweight champion, and he starts the match with Pepper Parks, who goes out of his way to avoid Collyer and step out through the ropes. Finally he just tags in Cannonball Callihan, who gets a "But-ter-ball" chant. That's fine but he's still in about ten billion times better shape than Deja Vu. Collyer with a shoulder block and a dropkick before tagging in Tack to continue Callihan's beating. Tack works the arm and makes the tag, then AJ Sparx gets thrown on top of Callihan. Helena is tagged in and the two women duel. The announcers inform us these two were good friends but now even better enemies, which Sparx proves by giving Heavenly a bronco buster. She reponds by whipping her to the heel corner and tagging in Pepper Parks, but Sparx cralws through his legs and tags in Tack. Tack with a big back bodydrop and a dropkick off the ropes to get a two count. Tack with chops and punches in the corner. Cannonball grabs Tack's feet and Parks takes advantage while the ref is distracted, working Tack's right knee. Callihan gets the tag and drops all his wait on said knee. Parks interferes from the outside and Collyer's finally had enough and jumps in the ring to help. We clear it back to just Callihan and Tack, and Tack gets dragged over to the heel corner for the tag to Parks. Tack gets thrown to the outside right in front of the announce table. Inside the ring Parks does jumping jacks. Tack thrown back in for a two count. Parks holds onto Tack by the ankle to prevent a tag but Tack hits an enzuguiri and crawls for the corner... and just can't make it. Callihan gets the tag and Tack's beatdown continues. Callihan goes top rope but he misses the splash and Tack finally gets the tag to Collyer. Collyer chases Parks but Callihan's still the legal man. Finally Collyer brightens up and goes after the right man with a dropkick and a two count but Heavenly breaks it up before three. Sparx jumps on her like a pitbull. It's a big ol' clusterfuck with a double dropkick on the heels now, Tack crossbodies to the outside on Callihan, back in the ring Parks with a flying crossbody on Collyer, Collyer rolls it through for a pin, but while the ref is distracted Collyer gets whacked by a returning Dick Rick of The Crew. Parks is put on top for the pin. WINNERS: THE HEELS. Here's hoping HWA gets back on track and back into 2007 come next Saturday.

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