Mark and Jay Briscoe. Photo credit: noah-usa.cc

Tonight was ROH's first PPV. It had its highs and its lows. LET'S GO OVER THEM.

Brent Albright vs. Tank Toland w/ Larry Sweeney and Bobby Dempsey: Larry Sweeney is awesome and I was giggling at just the site of him. Tank has an awesome gimmick. Brent Albright is Brent Albright which means something. The match was fun, with a lot of fitness related wackiness from Toland. Brent won with a Half Nelson German. ** 1/2

BJ Whitmer and Dave Prazak came out to tell the fans to blow the roof off the place, presumably so it looks good on the PPV. Then BJ issued an open challenge, which led to

BJ Whitmer vs. Takeshi Morishima for the ROH WORLD~! TITLE~!: Morishima killed him in like 4 minutes and it was awesome A MILLION STARS

Nigel McGuinness came out to challenge Morishima came out. Then AMERICAN DRAGON BRYAN FUCKING DANIELSON came out in a fucking SWANK maroon dress shirt and said HELL NAW THAT IS MINE. Then they double teamed Nigel. This was fine.

Rocky Romero vs. Naomichi Marufuji: I was puzzled at the placement on the card of Marufuji, and even more puzzled at his opponent. When I think "potential opponents for Naomichi Marufuji," I do not think "Rocky Romero." Match was decent and it was all Marufuji. Rocky tried his damndest to make it suck with a lot of kicks and video game impressions. He sure likes to do that flipping cross armbreaker from No Mercy. Marufuji looked gigantic next to Rocky, who looks seriously like 150 pounds. Marufuji won with the Shiranui. ***

Nigel then came back out and mentioned he had a herniated disc in his back and a seperated shoulder. Wow, make yourself look like a geek, good idea. DRAGON~~!!~!!~~!~! and Morishima came back out to beat up Nigel, but then KENTA came out to even the odds. Nigel challenged them to a tag match and I don't think they even said yes. Nigel was like "Yes? Uh...yes? Okay!"

Davey Richards vs. Erick Stevens: AKA Battle of the Generic Indy Goofs. This match sucked. It was the most boring match I have ever seen live. They did lots of moves, lots of finishers, lots of near falls. Other than Erick's CHOO CHOO, it was nothing. Davey won when he hit a leaping tornado DDT and put Erick into a Keylock. *

ROH WORLD~! TAG TEAM~! TITLES~!~!~!!: Briscoes vs. Claudio Castagnoli & Matt Sydal: Claudio did a singalong before the match with HEY and words that rhyme with it. He announced his partner as Matt Sydal, which made me all like "Uh...what? Okay. I guess. Yay." I'm guessing someone thought it would be funny if they put the 6'5" guy with the 4'11" or however tall Matt Sydal is together. Claudio is the fucking man by the way. This match was awesome until they reached a point where it should have ended and it would have been perfect, but they went 5 more minutes. I know, shocking seeing as this is a Briscoes match. Briscoes won when they hit Sydal with the Springboard Doomsday Device. I went to get a Sprite and tickets for the next show because it was so unbearably hot. When I was up Prazak and Lenny Leonard were in the GA section doing a hard sell for shows when El Generico and Kevin Steen came up and challenged the Briscoes. A Pier 6 Brawl happened where I guess Generico and Steen killed a bunch of geeks. I think. *** 3/4

It was announced before they went to Intermission, they had a special guest. Homicide's music hit and the place EXPLODED. He came out with Julius and a plastic cup filled with what I assume was al-key-hol. He cut a promo basically saying thanks, goodbye, I'm gonna do some weed after the show, and put over the locker room. He was putting over NYC when he saw some jackass in the front row with a Boston Red Sox hat on, and the best segment of the show proceeded to occur, as the entire Manhattan Center exploded in an anti-Boston mood, chanting FUCK THE RED SOX and everyone spitting in the hat throwing it everywhere. The entire segment was laden with FUCK TNA chants, and Homicide mentioning he had LAX business to do that resulted in massive jeers. He mentioned the Dudleys but I could only make out him calling Bubba "Butterbean." Homicide then told them to play his music one last time, and that's it for Homicide. 2 MILLION STARS

Intermission. I took a piss.

Sara Del Ray vs. Daizee Haze: This was in the death spot and quite frankly was a bad match. They just didn't click and nobody cared. Del Rey won with some wacky submission. * 3/4

Tag Team Scramble Match: Mitch Franklin & Pelle Primeau vs. Irish Airborne vs. El Generico & Kevin Steen vs. Adam Pearce & Jimmy Rave: This match fucking ruled. It was so much fun. It was total nonstop action, with shit constantly happening. And frankly I was shocked because I was ready to jump out of a window (The Manhattan Center is on the 7th floor of a building) when Franklin/Primeau and Irish Airborne were out there. When the crowd chanted REPO MAN at Pearce, he pulled out that old Repo Man raccoon mask thing and it was greatness. It was just the right length and it ended when a finisher was hit. Oh, the finisher was Steen hitting his Package Piledriver on Dave Crist. Oh and Dave Crist looks remarkably like Randy Orton and the crowd let him know. YAY WRESTLING ****

Delirious vs. Roderick Strong: Oh boy. Now, I did not hate this match. A lot of the crowd did. The heat was getting out of control, and we had been watching this show already for four hours, which was about the length of the last show. It went kind of long with them doing all sorts of wacky moves. The crowd in the second half completely turned on it, chanting THIS MATCH SUCKS, GO HOME NOW, and END THIS MATCH. Strong won with a Half Nelson Backbreaker, running big boot, and a Gibson/Tiger Driver. ** 3/4

ROH WORLD CHAMPEEEEEEEEEEEN Takeshi Morishima & AMERICAN DRAGON BRYAN DANIELSON vs. Nigel McGuinness & KENTA: This match was fucking awesome. It flew by, and everything was great, although that should not be surprising. Nigel hit a DIVE~! onto Morishima in MY SECTION THEY WERE RIGHT NEXT TO ME YAY Morishima hit Nigel with a Backdrop Driver but KENTA pushed him off before 3. Later KENTA hit Go 2 Sleep on Danielson which Morishima pushed KENTA off of before 3. Anyway everything was top notch shit and you should buy the PPV for this match alone. Danielson won by tapping out KENTA to Cattle Mutilation **** 1/4

After the match Danielson grabbed the ROH title and put it on his shoulder. Morishima saw him and killed him with a Backdrop Driver. Then Nigel grabbed the title and gave it to Morishima who killed him with a lariat.

Order this show. It's $10 and you get some good stuff. Plus you'll probably have air conditioning and free food as opposed to getting some fucking bottle Sprite in a small plastic cup for like 2 fucking dollars fuck off you motherfuckers oh anyway buy the PPV and the DVD. {plug}