WWE RAW
(Commentators - Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler)

Mr McMahon comes down to the ring to crow about him keeping his word at No Mercy regarding making history. We have a new champion, we had three WWE championship matches, and McMahon introduces a video package to prove it. McMahon says that later on, every WWE superstar will come down to the ring and shake the hand of the new WWE champion, Randy Orton.

Regarding Orton's first title defence, it will occur at Cyber Sunday. Before McMahon has a chance to tell us more, he is interrupted by HHH, who has decided to invoke his rematch clause, and wants to fight Orton right here tonight. McMahon says alrighty then, he can fight Orton, but adds Umaga to the match to make it a handicap match. Like that would bother HHH - that's his speciality match.

Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall & Melina Vs MICKIE JAMES, Candice Michelle & Maria: It's strange. Ever since No Mercy, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I won't say anymore, but FUCK YOU CANDICE MICHELLE YOU UGLY WHORE. Ahem. Melina starts off with Maria, who very nearly kills her with a headscissors takedown before tagging in Mickie. Melina gets crotched, but Beth interferes to leave Mickie all tangled up in the ropes, then gets legally tagged in. Jillian takes her turn in the match, stretching out Mickie's knee. The Mickster eventually gets the tag to Candice who has a pin attempt broken up by Beth, who is taken out by Mickie and Maria. Mickie jumps off the apron looking for a rana on Beth, who catches her and goes to powerbomb her, but the cameraman decides instead to look at Jillian and Candice twatting about in the ring. Mickie may be dead. Candice rolls up Jillian for the win.
Winners: Mickie and the other two (Time 3:33)

We get a replay and it turns out Mickie is alive and well, as she avoided the powerbomb. Thank the Lord!

Jonathan Coachman talks to WIlliam Regal in the magical office that moves from arena to arena, which Regal now has the chance to decorate. He is putting up pictures of The Queen, Elton John and George Michael. Coachman points out that they are all queens, so Regal shoots him a mighty glare. McMahon enters, checking that Regal is still looking after Hornswoggle. Regal passes the buck to Coachman, but Hornswoggle is missing. Oh the hilarity that shall ensue.

SANTINO MARELLA Vs Val Venis: Santino is indescribably fantastic, Val is selling his leg from the beatdown Santino gave him last week. Before the bell, Santino takes the mic, and introduces Lilian Garcia, who is performing later. Santino then says, he just remembered, he can't fight tonight, he has a prior engagement, so he has found a replacement...

Snitsky Vs Val Venis: Snitsky goes straight for Val's bad knee, and works it over boringly. Val has a brief comeback, but Snitsky wins with the pump-handle slam.
Winner: Snitsky (1:58)

We get a video hyping up the ppv. That is, the boxing ppv with Evander Holyfield against...some foreign guy. Holyfield doesn't want to retire until he's brought the Heavyweight title back to the USA. So is he going to fight against all fifteen foreign heavyweight world champions?

Next it's an interview with John Cena via satellite. Nothing remarkable is said.

Randy Orton & Umaga Vs HHH: I guess this isn't for the title then. I do know that there is no tagging in this match, but it doesn't matter as HHH sends Orton into Umaga early to get rid him from the ring. HHH gets a ddt on Orton, but Umaga pulls HHH to the floor, throws him around a little and puts him back in the ring where the double teaming begins. After a couple of minutes, HHH pushes Orton into Umaga, crotching him on the top, and mounts a comeback. Umaga then charges across and out of the ring, and HHH sets Orton up for the pedigree. Umaga comes back in with a chair and hits HHH for the dq.
Winner: HHH (4:21)

The attack continues after the decision, including an RKO. Orton walks off as Umaga charges his arse into HHH's face. If only there had been a friend of HHH sitting in the back willing to come out and help him. Umaga continues to headbutt, splash and thumb HHH to death. Ok, that bit was fun, but I could have done without staying to see the bloodied and beaten HHH refuse help and try to walk out under his own power.

Jeez, we come back after a break, and HHH is still making his way up the aisle, and we are treated to multiple replays to show what a brave little soldier he is. Then HHH is being helped down the corridor, where McMahon tells him that he must be the first one to shake Randy Orton's hand tonight. If they want to show HHH all the time, why don't they do a ppv entirely dedicated to him. Oh wait, they pretty much just did.

Paul London & Brian Kendrick Vs The Highlanders: I do believe the Highlanders didn't want to fight L&K, because all they wanted was a title match. And a match against two jobbers on Heat, apparently. Aw, who gives a fuck? Rory and Paul London start the match, but it quickly breaks down and L&K hit stereo pescados. The heat is gotten by the Scots on London, the hot tag is made and Kendrick flies around. London moonsaults off the apron on to Rory, but Robbie gets his feet on the ropes to pin Kendrick.
Winners: The Highlanders (2:54)

Diva Search: The Divas are asked questions. One says the sexiest food is crawfish.

Backstage, Coachman is looking for Hornswoggle. No hilarity here.

Lilian and her band sing their new song. Sung in Spanish, it reminds me of a Eurovision Song Contest entry. After the singing is over, SANTINO MARELLA comes out, and tells them to leave, for Santino has a song of his own. To the tune of 'Rehab' by Amy Winehouse, Santino sings an ode to The Condemned. "They tried to make me watch the Condemned, I say no, no, no." How can anyone not love Santino?

Mr Kennedy Vs Jeff Hardy: (Intercontinental Title) There are a bunch of 'Rainbow Haired Warrior' signs in the crowd. Can't say that was something I thought would catch on, especially as Hardy's hair is looking distinctly less rainbowy tonight. This was a good match, with an ad break, duelling chants, Kennedy working over Jeff's leg, and Jeff Hardy being Jeff Hardy. Kennedy avoids a swanton, looks for a cover, but Hardy reverses the leverage and gets the pin. Good stuff.
Winner: Jeff Hardy (11:30)

After a skit involving Regal, Coachman, Hornswoggle and a tiny bit of hilarity, Regal brings out the roster to the stage for the big hand-shaking respect-giving ceremony thing. Orton comes out, stands on a podium in the ring, and gives a little speech about how great he is. HHH isn't out with everybody, so Orton sets out to find him. Instead, Shawn Michaels music hits and out comes HBK. Orton backs away into the ring, but HBK charges in, and takes Orton down before giving him a superkick.

HBK celebrates to his music to take us off the air. All-in-all this was a pretty good show.

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