WWE RAW

Last Week: Me. Want. Title. Match. Also, Ric Flair can never lose again. Well, he can lose once. At WrestleMania.

This Week: Chris Jericho opens the show, dressed slightly less like a gay magician, slightly more like a flamboyant snooker player. He crows about manipulating Randy Orton into giving him a title shot, and we get to see Orton agreeing to the match last week after Raw went off the air. Jericho quickly wraps his speech up, but Orton comes down to extend the segment. Randy reckons he gave Jericho the shot because he knows he can beat him. Chris claims he can be just as ruthless as Orton and will take his wwe title. The two square up to each other, but William Regal and his hair interrupt, setting up each man choosing the other's opponent.

Because of this, tonight we will have Chris Jericho Vs Umaga, and Randy Orton Vs Shawn Michaels.

MICKIE JAMES & Maria Vs Beth Phoenix & Melina: MICKIE JAMES is facing THE BETHEMOTH at Armageddon, so naturally Beth beats the crap out of her and pins her.
Winners: Beth Phoenix & Melina (Time 2:12)

Todd Grisham's guest at this time is Shawn Michaels. HBK brings up the fact that Sweet Chin Music is perfectly legal tonight, but is interrupted by a video screen Mr Kennedy, who promises HBK a blast from the past next.

In the ring, Kennedy introduces a fake Marty Jannetty, Razor Ramon, Diesel and HBK. After the initial slight amusement of seeing the look-not-so-alikes, this was not good. The real HBK comes down and superkicks the fakers. Whateca. Thankfully short.

Mr McMahon talks to Jonathan Coachman, and they announce Hulk Hogan; Trish Stratus; Mick Foley; Eric Bischoff; Stone Cold Steve Austin and an in-ring McMahon family portrait (including Hornswoggle) for the three hour show next week. With Finlay apparently out of the country, McMahon puts Hornswoggle in a no dq handicap match against Carlito and Coachman tonight. After Vince and Coach leave, Hornswoggle makes a phone call.

We look back at William Regal's decision to put Jeff Hardy and HHH in a match at Armageddon, then Regal and HHH have a little chat, as Regal adds that the winner will get a title match at Royal Rumble, and suggests HHH might have more trouble facing someone he actually likes. HHH says that for the wwe title, he'd pedigree his mum, his gran, and even his father-in-law. Fnar.

Umaga Vs Chris Jericho: The match starts as we are on a break, and we join it with the two men collapsed on the mats outside. Turns out Jericho just hit a pescado. They get back in the ring, only for Umaga to press Jericho back outside. Umaga dominates in his usual manner, until Jericho avoids the butt charge and comes off the top with a shoulder block. They both beat the count of ten, but it's Jericho who acts the quickest as he hits his bulldog and a Lionsault for two. Umaga charges at Jericho in the corner, but he hits nothing but ringpost, before turning round into Jericho's new Codebreaker. Orton runs down for the dq, and hits the RKO.
Winner: Chris Jericho (8mins)

Carlito & Jonathan Coachman Vs Hornswoggle: (No Disqualification) Horny whispers to Lilian Garcia, telling her to announce that he has hired protection. Out come the APA! Why am I happy about that? Carlito and Coach have the crap beat out of them, then Hornswoggle pins Coachman after a JBL clothesline from Hell and a tadpole splash.
Winner: Hornswoggle (1:15)

JBL gives an APA speech and a SmackDown plug, with Ron Simmons adding a DAMN!

Todd Grisham's guest at this time is Snitsky. It appears that Snitsky has gone even further for his gimmick than dirtying his teeth: he looks like he's poured acid on his face.

Jeff Hardy Vs Snitsky: Thankfully, Snitsky doesn't win.
(Intercontinental Title) Winner: Jeff Hardy (4:08)

Snitsky hits a big boot after the decision, and fetches a chair. HHH saunters down with a sledgehammer, so Snitsky runs away. HHH looks like he might hit Hardy with the hammer, but instead he helps him to his feet. Aww, bless.

Jillian Hall sings a christmas song to Mr McMahon, for no apparent reason. Regal tells McMahon that Stephanie is on her way.

Shawn Michaels Vs Randy Orton: Not much to say about this. It's good when Michaels is on offense, dull when it's Orton's turn. HBK gets an ankle lock on, but Orton reaches the ropes as we go to a break. After the break, Orton avoids a superkick on the outside, which hits timekeeper Mark Yeaton instead. Orton DDTs HBK off the ropes as HBK re-enters the ring. After more dull Orton offense, HBK mounts his typical comeback, and hits the top rope elbow. The band is tuned, but Kennedy comes out so Michaels hits a dive on him. HBK and Kennedy brawl around the outside and into the crowd. Somehow this is not a dq, but HBK gets counted out.
Randy Orton (12:21)

Orton announces himself as the winner, but Jericho runs down, spears Orton and tries to put him in the Walls of Jericho. Orton wriggles free and escapes up the ramp.

Now for the REAL main event. The McMahons, Mr and Steph, have a little chat. They talk about next Monday's Raw special, as Steph, given the list of guests he's invited, most of whom like to beat him up, begs her dad not to show up. Vince says he loves confrontation, and anyone who has a problem with him being at the show can go straight to Hell. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

This week's show wasn't shit, but it was definitely missing something. I know, where the fuck was Santino?

{plug}