Summary by Peachmachine

An emotional opening to the show featuring clips of many celebrities and their pitfalls with addiction, from Brittany Spears going nuts to that sweet mug shot of Gary Busey.

Dr. Drew takes us through what is about to happen. Celebrities will attempt to clean themselves up in a group setting at the Pasadena Recovery Center. Dr. Drew is a great man, but I don’t envy his task to put up with this ridiculous posse of tards.

The first celebrity we meet is Jeff Conaway, some strung out actor from the show “Taxi,” and from “Celebrity Fit Club” where he first met Dr. Drew. Conaway shows up fucking wasted, with wine in his hand and admits to coke use the night before. They used subtitles to explain what this goof is saying. He’s in a wheelchair all episode. He looks absolutely pathetic.

Joanie “Chyna Doll” Laurer, as she introduces herself, enters next. The graphic reads “Chyna.” They show a few wrestling clips, and clips from her fucked up stint on “Surreal Life.” She says she is not an alcoholic and does not need rehab. Drew sits her down and she admits to binge drinking for day, but says it’s not a problem. She denies use of pain meds but fesses up to using xanax. She looks fat faced and about to cry at all times.

Seth “Shifty” Binzer arrives next. He was the lead singer for the band “Crazytown.” They had that shitty pop hit “Butterfly about 5 years ago. It cuts to him hitting a crack pipe. This dude looks and sounds like a thugged out Steve-O. He brought beers with him, Red Stripe, in fact. He tells Drew he loves coke, but wants to be sober.

Mary Carey the porn star joins the house. Oh, and she ran for some office in California. It shows a home video of her getting drunk as fuck, and she looks retarded. Her mom attempted suicide in 2006, and Mary said if her mom didn’t die, she’d quit porn. I don’t think that has happened yet, even though her mom lived. She looks like Missy Hyatt, but strung out and slutty. So she looks like Missy Hyatt. She rooms up with Chyna. You may recall the TMZ video of Mary being allowed into a club and Chyna being rejected. She brings a dildo and a strap on, but the nurse takes it away, and she asks, “What, so I can’t masturbate here?” Then the nurse takes away her porn stash. What a stand up gal. She admitted to fucking Shifty prior to being in treatment. Drew is not happy with the plethora of fake vaginas that Mary brought. I can’t make this shit up.

Jessica Sierra, finalist from “American Idol” in 2007, enters. She says she is “mainly” known from American Idol. Not me, I know her from all the other stuff she’s done. She got arrested and had coke on her, which is how she actually earned her 15 minutes. A great home video shows her vomiting in her toilet, and then she takes some vicodin and goes to the club. Her mom over dosed on drugs and died a few years ago. Drew knows this is a textbook case or childhood trauma leading to her acting out and using. If you listen to Loveline consistently, you know exactly what is running through Drew’s mind when these fuck ups are talking, or slurring as Conaway seems to be doing always.

Brigitte Nielsen enters the picture. She has a history with Chyna on the “Surreal Life.” I think they both raped Flava Flav with their massive cocks or something. She looks so manly, that I would rather fuck Helga from “American Gladiators.” She says she drank for the last 4 years while married to Sly. How he didn’t club the piss out of her, I’ll never know.

Jaimee Foxworth, or Judy Winslow the youngest daughter from “Family Matters” shows up. Surprise, she smokes weed. She hung out with Urkel for years doing wholesome family programming, then got into porn. She parlayed her career nicely. She actually looks pretty hot. She started smoking an eighth of pot everyday at age 16. God bless those teenagers with disposable income.

Mary shows her booty to Shifty. Apparently she is not allowed in his room for fear of boning.

Drew explains that Jeff is, surprise, a trauma survivor. He is a major opiate addict, and Drew says he’s dying and will be dead in 6 months if he doesn’t stop. Mary and Chyna feel sorry for him.

Daniel Baldwin is the next member of the house. Great mug shot shown. He looks soberish, and claims to have been sober since November 2006, which, since they shot the show in November 2006, means he’s been sober for like a day. He’s sporting the “Body Armor” collared shirt, the traditional garb of Hollywood.

Now it’s time for the first house meeting where Drew gives the rules. No drugs, alcohol, or sex, or you get the boot. He promises that not all will make it. Later in the night, Conaway starts to hallucinate. He breaks down bad and Drew calls for a paramedic. Drew thinks he may have had a seizure. The house looks distraught as hell. They look super scared, and everyone knows this is for real. They did the stretcher job for Conaway. Well, they killed that gimmick.

They preview the rest of the season and it looks like some crazy shit including fights and tits are on the way. Next week is the detox phase, and everyone looks like they’re hurting.

Final Thoughts: I’d give the show a B+ but I really like Dr. Drew and fucked up celebrities who’ve ruined their lives. It’s a real show, so don’t tune in if you expect the typical reality TV antics. My man Dr. Drew ain’t down with that bullshit. This show will be intense, but it looks fun. Also, I wrote way too much about this episode. I guess I was just excited because I’m a huge Dr. Drew mark. Next week will be way more streamlined with fewer sidebars. Feedback can be sent to: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , for deleted scenes, check out celebrityrehab.vh1.com. {plug}