WWE Raw
(Commentators - Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler)

After a recap of last week's match which allowed John Cena into the WrestleMania main event, the three guys are in the ring with William Regal, to have their photo taken. A man gives them all a microphone and they take it in turns to speak. Cena has a word with HHH. Half of him is thankful for HHH not keeping him out of the WM match, the other half is pissed about the pedigree he got after the match. I'd say that's a fair trade-off for Cena. HHH and Cena stare at each other as Orton tells them that he shall remain the champ, then they attack Orton. Randy has the last laugh, however, as he returns to the ring and hits a pair of RKOs.

Orton wanders backstage, where he bumps into Mr Kennedy. Last year, when he won the Money In The Bank match, he said he'd cash it in at this year's WrestleMania. This year, he'll do the same thing, and cash it in that very night, no matter who's champ.

Carlito & Santino Marella Vs Bob Holly & Cody Rhodes: Santino, with newly trimmed hair, starts off with young Cody. Carlito wanders across the apron where Santino whips Cody into him knocking him off, but he doesn't seem to mind as he tags in and beats on the youngster. Jerry Lawler shouts at Maria to try and get her attention. He should get out a saucer of milk, she'll come right over. Rhodes ducks a punch and hits a side Russian legsweep, then tags in Holly who gives Carlito the dick kick. Lawler keeps shouting for Maria, then gets up to interview her about her upcoming Playboy shenanigans. This distracts Santino who gets Alabama slammed for the pinfall.
Winners: Rhodes & Holly

We are treated to highlights from the WrestleMania press conference. Nothing much of interest. Instead of Show Vs Mayweather, I'd like to see Cena Vs Bruno. Brookes that is. Except that'll never happen, because they are in fact the same person. Anyhoo, back at the arena, Regal announces tonight's main event as Orton/Kennedy against Cena/HHH. Chris Jericho appears. The two insult each other's hair, and Jericho brings up tea. Jericho has requested to be in the Money in the Bank match, but Regal says he has to qualify like everyone else: and he'll have to do it against Jeff Hardy, next.

Jeff Hardy Vs Chris Jericho: I would imagine Jericho would rather a singles match at 'Mania than another MitB match, but he must be hella happy to be away from that oaf JBL. He certainly shows more vigour in the first few minutes of this match than in all his matches with the man who I hilariously like to call 'Just a Big Loser', and it's much better than those matches too. Both men get support from the crowd as they go back and forth and through an ad break. Hardy looks for a Whisper in the Wind, but Jericho crotches him. Hardy gets up and hits it anyway for a two count. Shortly after, Jericho locks on the Walls of Jericho but Hardy reaches the ropes. The crowd think Hardy is going for the Twist of Fate, but instead he hits a face-first suplex and goes up for the Swanton. Jericho avoids the dive and hits the Lionsault but only gets a two. Hardy ducks an en zuguiri but has his Twist of Fate countered into a Walls attempt. Jericho is kicked off into the ropes, but comes off with a roll up and a series of roll throughs lead to a Jericho pin. Good finish to a very good match, easily Jericho's best singles effort since his return.
Winner: Chris Jericho

Sign of the night: "Mr McMan is stupid"

With Hornswoggle still under doctor's care, Mr McMan comes out and admits he made a mistake last week by allowing JBL to stiff the midget. Vince apologises to his son, and brings JBL out to apologise too. Bradshaw does indeed apologise: "that I didn't do it sooner". Ho ho John, that's a ogod one. JBL reckons he has has some insider knowledge, that Hornswoggle IS NOT FACT VINCE'S SON. Goodness. JBL believes that Horny is in fact a Finlay, and the conspiracy can be traced to McMan's genuine family members. Hornswoggle isn't in on the ruse, says J Bizzle Lizzle: it was all Finlay's idea. Bradshaw promises to get a confession out of Finlay at some undetermined point in the future.

John Cena and HHH have a pow wow. I'm really not in the mood for HHH and his filthy great nose.

Umaga Vs DH Smith: SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH.
Winner: Umaga

Regal and the Burchill's watch on impressed at Umaga's victory. Regal decides Youmanga would be perfect to answer a challenge laid down by Vickie Guerrero for an inter-brand match at WrestleMania. Katie Lea suggests maybe her big bro, 'The Ripper' would be suitable, but Regal tells Paul he needs to show him a little something extra. Burchill says that's fair enough, and any time Regal wants another chat, they'd be happy to stop by, "especially my sister, I think she likes you mate".

Sexy Incest rating: 0/10 - what kind of incestuous man offers his sister out to others?

Lance Cade Vs Shawn Michaels: Lance is accompanied by Trevor Murdoch, but Shawny has Jeebus on his side. Trevor causes the dq before Cade can tap to the inverted Figure 4. The ref tries to stop the post-match beatdown by counting to five. Surprisingly, Trev doesn't break, but it doesn't matter as HBK superkicks both men away. Jeebus 1 - Trevor 0.
Winner: Shawn Michaels.

As HBK celebrates his own greatness, Ric Flair makes his way down to the ring. They suck each other's balls, and Flair challenges Michaels to a match at WrestleMania. Shawn says no - he doesn't want to be the one to end Flair's career. Flair he says he's not planning on losing to Shawn, he just wants the chance to have a great match. "It would be my honour to wrestle you at WrestleMania" says HBK. Well, it's better than Batista.

Mike Adamle announces Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson as being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Yeah, you know who's inducting them.

Jerry Lawler announces a 'Bunny Mania' match for WM, with Maria and Candice teaming up against Beth Phoenix and Melina. Ugh. Please don't tell me there's gonna be four birds at WM and no Mickie. We go behind the scenes at Maria's Playboy shoot. Finally, some pussy in Playboy.

Mr Kennedy & Randy Orton Vs HHH & John Cena: HHH and Cena use the left analogue stick to taunt each other as they beat on Kennedy early. Kennedy dropkicks HHH's knee and tags in Orton who gets to stomping. HHH is beaten down for a while, in a mostly dull fashion. The hot tag is made as HHH shoves Orton off an RKO attempt, and Cena comes in to make Kennedy tap to the STFU.
Winners: HHH & Cena

The victors square up to each to each other after the bell, but Cena gets hit from behind by a Kennedy Mic Check. HHH looks on, unconcerned. The show closes with the music of Mr Kennedy playing, which is a bad thing.

{plug}