Wrestling Vixens: The New Era:

1. Thanks to Derek, my hetero-sexual life-mate in satire, for this chance to let you know a little bit about myself. Or Sean, as I call me. I wasn't talking to myself for a while there, but we've once again became close. So, if I'm reading this, thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confident.And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me , and the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend. I've now segued into the Golden Girls theme song. And you're a better person for having heard it. Trust me.

Anyway, as per Derek's mandate, I must now try and think of some cool facts about myself. Facts like how I do a pretty great Randy Savage impression, and how, by proxy, it should be*I* that is X-Division Champion, and not Jay Lethal. But I'm not going to say that, even though I just did.

However, I guess I'll start with a formal introduction. For those of you who don't know me, you should, because chances are, you've stolen one of my pictures for your message-board sig. Your time of convincing the world that it was you who thought it'd be pretty hilarious to create a picture of Vince McMahon being raped by Pandas is over. The jig is up, mister. Seriously. Stop dancing. You look foolish.

Anyway, with that in mind, I guess you could say that's my claim to fame. I've churned out more original wrestling Photoshop's in the last few years than anyone in the history of everything important like wrestling Photoshop's. I've created some 7000, in fact. Chances are, if you've seen a wrestler doing something unnatural in a photograph, and thought, "Ok, what the hell", it was probably created by me. Or James Guttman. But hey, whatever. My work has been read anywhere and everywhere. From Live Audio Wrestling to 411Mania to Wrestlecrap, to my own Frankenstein monster of a website, The Wrestling Fan.com, which has become Google's number one website for "Wrestling Satire". And why would The Google lie? He's always been on the up and up with me.

That all said, I have in the last five years amassed a cult following comparable to Jesus. Aguilera, that is. I'm as big as that guy. You remember, Carlito's bodyguard? The guy who wore banana-colored pants pulled up to his nipples? To this day, my Grandfather is the only other dude I've ever seen pull off that look.

So, ya, check out my patented (I registered them and the phonograph in the latter 1800's under my alias "Thomas Edison") Wrestling Satires, horribly offensive Back-Leg Frontkick columns, and Recapitations, which are my own unique stream of consciousness take on WWE Pay-per-views. In actuality, it's just me going off on strange insane mid-match analogies and calling maybe 4 moves total. Truth is, I'm probably the worst recapper ever. But thus far, no one's noticed. Thank God.

(Hey, let's pretend I haven't already exhausted my 5 things and move on!)

2. To finally put to rest the rumors I'm sure you've never even thought about before, I am not actually Carless. And yes, I've heard every joke there is. Yet, I always have to roll my eyes when someone makes a crack about my alleged lack of vehicle like no one else has ever thought of this ultimate witticism before. YES, YOU'RE THE VERY FIRST. I imagine the only person to truly know my pain would have to be someone with the last name Handcock. Luckily for me, unlike them, I don't necessarily have to debunk any scandalous rumors as to what my ancestors did for a living.

Oh, while we're on the topic of names, my middle name is actually "Harry", but as a child, not wanting it mixed up with the other connotation "hairy", I convinced classmates that the ubiquitous "H" on the teacher's roll-call actually stood for "Han Solo". True story. Unfortunately, I was never able to convince my brother Mike to pretend his middle name was Chewbacca, so to perhaps be the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER. He failed to see how infinitely awesome, and not painfully nerdy that would be. I may have also pretended my bicycle was the Millennium Falcon, and secretly wished I was a Transformer. I was 15 at the time. Ok, not really. 14.

3. If wrestling has taught me anything, it's that it's taught me EVERYTHING. Some people might choose to pursue a post-secondary education in the hallowed halls of many of our country's celebrated Ivy league Universities, but I much preferred to enroll myself in the institution that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam. I was taken to school by Ric Flair, and left to fend in the Yard of The Undertaker. He seemed to think he owned it. It was all quite strange. Everyday in the Cafeteria they served soupbones. Anyway, as it turns out, I didn't have the marks in, umm, kicking, and subsequently dropped out. And here I was, just a few weeks away from earning my Master's degree in Unorthodox offense. Oh well.

But hey, I already knew everything I needed to know. Really cool things like, if I ever got into a fight in the streets, it's best I wear JEANS, because, somehow, someway, this gives you an advantage. Being hit with weapons hurts much less if you're wearing Levi's. Throw in some cowboy boots, and I'm telling you, that's all the advantage you'll need.

I also learned that if someone ever grabbed me by the arm, and threw me in the opposite direction, physics be damned, I'll have no choice but to rebound, and by god, KEEP RUNNING. It's just science. And you can't fight science.

And finally, I've learned everything about the fairer sex from Vince McMahon and his unique vision of love and relationships. To be honest, I was a little perplexed when I found out women, in *real-life* actually have LAST NAMES, and didn't really want to solve their differences with other women by joyously trying to rip clothes off them, then exuberantly stripping themselves regardless of that outcome. But, at least, I knew that the worse I treated them, the more they'd blindly love me. That's a given. Being used as a human shield is the ultimate aphrodisiac to the ladies. I promise you. And if not? Well, they're all secretly Jezebels anyway just waiting to turn on you and sleep with your best friend for one Canadian Looney.

4. I am actually an ordained minister. Seriously. In 2005, I was ordained by the obscenely reputable institution known as the Universal Life Church. This allowed me to then practice Godliness in the whole of North America, and even erect my very own church. It's My Mom's garage. It's something. Sometimes she brings sandwiches on Communion. It's great. Plus, finally, I have a legit reason to dunk women underwater. I just tell them it's a baptism. And not, umm, well, my lawyer said I shouldn't finish this part.

Anyway, apparently, the only ritual *forbidden* to me as a legal agent of Jehovah, is to perform circumcisions. And well, I'm not losing any sleep over that. Not that handling penises is something that causes anyone insomnia. But hey, it's probably for the best. I've never been too fond of genitals not belonging to my person.

**For the record, despite starting my Ministry, I still can't get Derek to drink my blood in a dark ceremony and become my own personal Mideon. Apparently *someone* doesn't want sight beyond sight. Go figure.

5. Despite my somewhat offensive content, I have strangely only gotten one piece of hate-mail from an actual worker. Most wrestlers who've emailed me have actually enjoyed my body of work, seeing it just as jokes for the sake of jokes. Hell, even Steven Richards once demanded of me an actual physical plaque for his Year-end "Award", where I compared his perpetual WWE employment to being the one thing able to survive a nuclear blast. I said, in that event, only Stevie and the rats would remain. And he will still be obligated to put them over. Poor guy.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that last year, I got an email from Big Vito, or Vito as it were, because I'm not one to get into the validity of his size, where he mistook my website, TWF, for an actual wrestling promotion, and told me, he was now "available for booking". It took all my willpower to not fly him in, and hang out with the dude at the Mall, or something, with both of us wearing dresses. My ultimate plan was to film the entire debacle and set it to the song "Loving in the Moonlight". It never happened due to a snafu in funds. (Fun Fact: I spent it on drugs!).

As for that one hate-mail. In 2005, amidst the UConn Controversy, where one The Ultimate Warrior disparaged the world productivity of the entire homosexuality community at large, I *may* have written a column, that basically stated "Let he who hasn't worn make-up, puce underoos and fish-hooked another dude's arsehole with a press slam" cast the first stone. I was immediately contacted by his "Director of Warriors and Things of a Warrior Nature", who was clearly Warrior under a pseudonym (because if not, dear god). He told me that I should cease and desist immediately my anti-Warrior propaganda, lest he send Warrior, running from Arizona, to my home, where a slew of clotheslines, a big splash, and DEATH, no doubt awaited me. Luckily, I took immediate action, and removed any item in my home that could be misconstrued as ropes (The source of his power), covered my mirrors (let's not forget he can spontaneously appear in them) and got Papa Shango on speed-dial, just in case. It's been 3 years. I expect him ANY DAY now. (it is after all, a long, harsh run to Canada in only your underwear).

Last week's Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 51
This week's net change: + 7
Current enjoyment level: 58

PERMA-LINKS:
* Orlando Attractions Magazine - If you are a theme park NUT like me, you owe it to yourself to sign up for this fantastic magazine that spotlights all the great stuff down here in Florida. Disney World. Universal. Sea World, and just a ton of other stuff. Top notch articles and brilliant photographs make this one of my favorite things to read. It also helps to have several wrestling tie-ins, since several wrestlers (Scotty 2 Hotty, Mick Foley among others) are theme park fanatics as well!
* Scarface: The Devil in Disguise TPB - A collection of the superb four issue series from IDW publishing. Written by a wrestling fan and featuring the backstory of one of Hollywood’s most charismatic, not to mention controversial, characters: Tony Montana! If you enjoyed the movie, you’ll enjoy this.
* The Full Pint’s website - If you are a fan of beer, like me, than this is your one stop destination for all things beer. Reviews, news, and a ton of entertaining stuff will be found here. Check it out!
* B Brown Video - The best place you can go to trade wrestling tapes. If you want it, B Brown has it.

Special thanks to: ”Sensational” Scott Paris, Keith Lipinski, and Ian Hamilton. Of course none of this would be possible without the talented hands of The Wrestling Fan’s Sean Carless

Billionaire philanthropist Derek Burgan, who fights crime when not writing DVD reviews, has been watching wrestling since he was ten years old. He even has a MySpace page. If you have any questions, corrections, feedback, or goofy ideas, Derek can be reached at: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it {plug}