48 hours away from Wrestlemania and we open with Kane making his way to the ring for an over-the-top-rope challenge featuring participants in the ECW Battle Royal that’ll take place on Sunday. ECW champion Chavo Guerrero is at ringside talking about how he’s prepared for this moment all his life. Not sure that running around with Pepé was the best way to ready yourself for a match with the Big Red Machine. The Great Khali, Chuck Palumbo and Mark Henry are the other participants, basically telling us that no one else has a chance of winning at Mania. It also suggests that I have done something awful in my life and deserve to be punished by God. Luckily, this is kept short. Palumbo is eliminated first by Kane, leaving Henry and Khali to gang up on him. The World’s Strongest Man picks Kane up and throws him over the top rope, leaving us with Khali and Henry. Somewhere in Orlando, Bryan Alvarez is either jerking his curtain bone-dry or preparing the bullets to put himself out of his misery. Anyway, Henry picks Khali up and dumps him to the floor just like he did Kane. Your winner, Mark Henry. Oh joy.

Post match, Chavo attacks Henry but is caught off the second rope and slammed to the canvas. Your possibly future ECW world champion: Mark Henry. No Bryan, don’t shoot. DON’T SHOOT!

Backstage, Cherry is with Michelle The Taker Layer and some random dark-haired bint. Teddy Long walks in and reveals that the dark-haired bint has been eliminated. The camera instantly zooms in on Cherry, which made me laugh. I’m sick of this segment, because it is clearly designed to put Michelle McCool over and she’s the most annoying and undeserving cow in the company. In walks Victoria and Maryse to save the segment, mocking Eve (the dark-haired bint; she does have a name, apparently), which leads to Long making a match for later on: A wet and wild water fight.

The Money In The Bank briefcase is hanging over the ring which means that it’s time for a match between CM Punk and John Morrison. The crowd are chanting for Punk early on as he and Morrison exchange various locks and kicks, including a very nice balancing kick from the tag team champion. Back from a commercial and Punk has Morrison locked in a head-scissors, but The Shaman Of Sexy makes the ropes. Punk has control but Morrison retreats to the outside and kicks the Straight-Edged star off the apron. Back between the ropes, Morrison throws Punk shoulder first into the turnbuckle post and locks in an armbar that Punk finally escapes.

The springboard spin kick is ducked and Punk side-kicks Morrison right in the gut, ducking a clothesline and monkey-flipping his opponent across the ring, clotheslining him over the top rope and flying through the ropes onto Morrison on the outside. Punk catches a corkscrew powerslam back in the ring for a near-fall and tries to finish Morrison with a backbreaker. Morrison hits his own backbreaker but fails to gain the three count and narrowly escapes a GTS attempt, only to be catapulted into the corner, kneed in the face and bulldogged for a 2. Morrison is hoisted to the top rope and dropped with an impressive standing hurricanrana that gets a pathetic reaction from the crowd. The Go-2-Sleep is finally nailed and Punk gets the popular win. A good match, and the first time that Punk has ever impressed me with anything. It’s a shame that the crowd treats such dangerous moves with apathy.

Another Big Show/Floyd Mayweather video. More great work from the production team. This is followed by a recap of the press conference from Times Square. Edge needs to wear more suits. If they customise his gear, it’d suit his character just fine. He pulls it off.

Back to the action and The Miz is teaming with Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade to face BISCUITS AND GRAVY~! Jesse and Festus, along with Kofi Kingston. The bell rings and the ‘Tard Rage of Festus kicks in, chasing Cade to the outside and body slamming both Cade and Murdoch, tagging Jesse who gets quickly cornered by the rednecks. Jesse regains control and tags in Kingston who cross-body’s Murdoch for a near-fall and tags Jesse back in. Jesse goes for a second rope move but Miz pushes him off to the floor and tags himself in, clubbing Jesse with knees to the back. Murdoch and Cade maintain the double-team attack, forbidding the tag to Festus as Miz stretches Jesse out. Festus is knocked off the apron but Koji is finally tagged in and lays out Miz with a Russian leg sweep and a nice elevated leg-drop of sorts, whilst Festus drills Cade and Murdoch with a double clothesline. Kingston ducks a clothesline and catches Miz with the Jamaican Buzzsaw for the three and the win.

The final Hall Of Fame inductee is legendary wrestling commentator, Gordon Solie.

The sound of Saliva means that Batista is on his way to the ring to face Snitsky, complete with facial hair. Either WWE are sacrificing anyone to put Batista over, or Snitsky is in the doghouse because this was over after a spear, spinebuster and Batista Bomb within the minute. Unsatisfied with the win, Batista levels Snitsky out of his pants with another Batista Bomb, this time onto a steel chair. This is how Goldberg became a huge star and they need to do this more. Some don’t like squashes but when it’s just destruction, I personally love it.

After an Edge/Undertaker hype video, Eve the Dark-Haired Bint is out in a referee outfit to officiate this wet and wild diva match. Maryse and Victoria are out first and Toria is wearing a snorkel and arm bands. I love this woman. Michelle and Cherry are their opponents and if Michelle gets the win, I will be pissed. There is nothing likeable about this stupid whore. Cherry, on the other hand, looks quite cute. The aim of the match is to throw balloons full of water at each other, whilst soaking each other with squirt guns. I can’t keep track of this, despite it being the same thing: throw water and buckets and balloons and watch lots of wet women. The crowd isn’t interested. Me neither. Does that make me gay? Would watching Finlay and JBL in this same match do more for me? Anyway, Michelle pins Victoria after the Wings Of Love and I am now officially pissed. I hope that he cheats on her lover boy, pissing him off enough to bury her to Vince. That usually gets people fired, right Mike Awesome? Oh wait, he committed suicide. Well, history repeating itself isn’t always a bad thing, right?

MVP makes his entrance and cuts a promo about how he will be Money In The Bank. For the first time in the show, it feels like we’re actually seeing a star, Batista aside. His opponent, Chris Jericho, wastes no time in locking up with the US champion, grounding him with an armlock into a headlock, exchanging holds until the referee splits them up. Y2J levels MVP with an elbow that sends the champ to the floor, giving Jericho the chance to slide through the ropes with a dropkick that sends MVP into the announcers table. The Intercontinental champion attempts the second rope dropkick to MVP on the apron, but is caught with a kick. Jericho tries for a splash in the corner but misses and sails to the outside.

Back from the commercials, Jericho reverses an armbar with a hiptoss but MVP continues his attack, getting in Y2J’s face with trash talk and hitting a knee to the face and the Ballin’ Elbow. Jericho manages to muster a clothesline to the back of the head from the turnbuckle, but can’t put MVP away despite a series of shoulder-blocks and a running clothesline, running right into an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. The Enziguri leads into a bulldog from Y2J, allowing a Lionsault attempt that MVP blocks with his knees. MVP’s running kick to the face only gets a two, but escapes the Walls Of Jericho set-up. A Playmaker attempt is reversed into the Walls, but MVP crawls to the ropes, rolls to the outside and grabs his US title belt. MVP runs with the belt but Jericho catches him with the Codebreaker as the referee disqualifies MVP for bringing in the belt.

Jericho brings a ladder into the ring and runs it into the face of MVP, dropping it on the fallen US champion and posing on the second rope as he stares at both the briefcase over the ring and the Wrestlemania sign.

Tonight’s main event is the suited Rated-R Superstar and World heavyweight champion, Edge, along with his Rmy. A casket is set up in the ring with Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero, complete with veil. That was an uncomfortable sight. I can’t imagine the pain that she felt last time she did this for real. Edge reads from his prepared script that we are celebrating the demise of The Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak. He names some of the guys that The Undertaker has defeated over the years, such as HHH, Randy Orton, Batista and even Jimmy Snuka. What about Giant Gonzales? Edge claims that no one will remember the streak, but will remember the Rated-R Superstar. Vickie takes the microphone and decrees that she has to be unbiased but finds it hard because of how great Edge is. A special video made especially for Edge airs, portraying The Undertaker as a monster preying on the innocent whilst Edge is the brave warrior fighting for what is right. “A hero becomes a legend.”

Edge hugs his two lackeys for the video and declares that Vickie is the love of his life. On Sunday, he promises, he will retain his title. As for tonight, he will bid farewell to the Deadman’s career. Instead of this, he decides to swap spit with Vickie until the bell tongs and the lights fade out into the entrance of The Undertaker. Edge sends his two lackeys to meet Taker on the ramp, but Taker emerges from the casket inside the ring and attacks Edge from behind. Cole chips in with “rumours of The Undertakers demise have been greatly exaggerated” as Taker chokeslams Edge into the casket and Tombstones both of the Rmy. Vickie jumps out of her wheelchair and runs away whilst Edge retreats down the ramp. Both men staring each other down to end the show.

I hope that you all enjoy Wrestlemania as much as I plan to. All I'll say is: Go Ric Flair!

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