Don't you hate junk emails. I get so many that are supposedly wrestling related. I'm revealing to the wrestling public some of the garbage that i actually read last week. I was amazed by the feed back to the Ultimate-Sheet Writing Championship of Meltzer VS. Alvarez. Many industry insiders emailed me about this fight.

Dear Missy,
We have spent months trying to get in touch with you to make a Legends Figure [we even got the extra plastic for the 34 double d's]. Since you didn't return our calls we had to pass you up and make a Conquistador #2 figure, Barry Horowitz figure, Gobbleddy Gooker figure, and Oz figure.
Jakks Wrestling Figures

Dear Jakks: I will now carry two cell phones, a beeper, and sit by my computer 24/7 in case you still want to make a figure of me.
Missy

Dear Missy,
Will you please manage me against "Big Dave" from Campbell, California? I'm taking your advice and made the calls to the "California Sheet Writing Commission" to have "Big [chemically enhanced?] Dave" drug tested. His possible failure can lead to a drug suspension and a double issue for me. This will provide me the opportunity to take over the sheet writing empire.
Super Chico from Washington

Dear Super Chico,
"Big Dave" just comped me the Observer [I stopped reading the Observer over 15 years ago], his 1980's Japanese wrestling tape collection [Dave's too cheap to give me DVD's], and my own radio show. I can't endorse you any longer. You will now have to return to jobber-sheet writer status. I got you the Iron Sheik to analyze wrestling on your web site as a consolation. He wants your sheet, presumably to roll up joints with. Don't allow him to make you humble on the air. It can be disturbing.
Missy

Dear Missy,
What makes you tougher? Writing 10 pages on MMA or practicing Jiu Jitsu with 12 year olds?
"Big Dave" from Campbell, California

Dear "Big Dave"
I respect anybody who makes six figures and never took a bump or got choked out. I don't respect a person who gets choked out by 12 year olds [according to "Big Dave's" MMA sources].
Missy

Dear Missy,
I will stretch the winner of "Big Dave" [never drew $$$$ in the ring] and Bryan Alvarez [would never get booked past jobber status]. I hate skinny punks who make $$$$ and never took a bump. Back in my day, blah! blah!.........
Oldie Anderson

Dear Missy,
The loser of "Big Dave" VS. "Super Chico" [what a licensing bonanza] can join "The Kiss My Ass Club". The winner [presumably "Big Dave"] can sell out and write for my new children's wrestling publication. I know "Big Dave" will finally join the family. I can't wait for him to write WWE children books. I'm so excited on this acquisition, that WWE creative is coming up with how "Big Dave" is my illegitimate son [as long as he passes his piss test]. Welcome to the family. One insider children's issue will land him the role of Hornswoggle's gay stalker. The acquisition of "Big Dave" allows me to finally burn a life time of Observer issues [acquired in the acqusition]. I'm giving "Big Dave" a legends figure. I know how much that will piss you off Missy.
Vincent from CT.

Dear Vincent,
Maybe you can dig up my "Missy Manor" interview set and give it to "Big Dave". There might be more appeal if you use him as the clueless-air head interviewer with a lisp and make him wear polka dots. You always come up with the best humiliating characters for former enemies.
Missy

Dear Missy,
Ric Flair Financing Company would love to invest your portfolio. Please come to our investment seminar.
Ric Flair Financing Co.

Dear Ric Flair Financing Company,
Didn't Vinnie Mac and Jimbo Crockett help bail you out with the I.R.S. [not Irwin R Shyster]? Didn't you last wife clean out your assets? Did you remember to insure your Gold's Gym in case of hurricanes? Didn't you run a $30,000 bar tab in England in '92 and have Arnold Skaaldan bail you out? Yes I would like to invest with you. Please send me more literature.
Missy

Dear Missy,
I'm having a special prayer meeting for Mid South Wrestling Alumni. Would you like to attend?
Cowboy Billie

Dear Cowboy Billie,
Will I be fined if I show up late? Will I be fined if I violate the dress code? If I get my ass kicked for turning the other cheek, will I have to leave the territory?
Missy

Dear Missy,
I wish you were part of "Rock Of Love 2". If you won, we could've spent the summer together. I had a gig at the Weinstein Bar Mitzvah, county fair concerts, and hair weave autograph sessions [how did you realize my hair is fake?]. I would have "Rocked Your World".
Bret Michaels

Dear Bret,
I performed in plenty of county fairs in my career. So you don't impress me. I prefer to go to a Weinstein bar mitzvah as a guest, not as the bar mitzvah band. Your hair weave, plugs, or whatever the hell you have going on is obvious. You need to talk to Flavor Flav on how to impress a woman. I would have missed your eliminations for the history channel or to surf the internet. I was never a fan of Poison, so I couldn't mark out to you. "Big Hair" Missy can't be recreated for a cheezy 80's band singer with a fake mullet. "Your tour stops here"!
Missy

Dear Missy,
You are a cheap Jew. You stole my weed and beer. I **** you in the *** and make you humble.
Hossein Khrosrow

Dear Hossein,
You mistaken me for some other cheap Jew. I don't like weed [smells like cat litter] or beer [taste like piss]. The other part of your letter sounds lovely. I'm forwarding your email for the next season of 'The Bachelor'. 20 women who desperately need to be made humbled by Mr. Hossein
Missy

Dear Missy,
I'm intrigued by your Ultimate-Sheet Writing Championship. You are a genius. What a untapped division that you just created. I can easily create a reality show where I take 16 skinny or fat sheet-internet writers and place them in a house for 6 weeks. They have to fight it out for internet usage, Dungeon & Dragon privledges, porn, and rights to use message boards. The winner can move out of their mom's basement. The "Big Dave" Vs. "Super Chico" Bryan Alvarez is going to be my best super fight.
Dana from Las Vegas

Dear Dana,
I want royalties for my idea and free UFC merchandise and tickets. Technically Frank Mir, Frank Trigg, Bas Rutten, or Joe Rogan are MMA journalists. You should put one of them against Meltzer. I still have animosity for "Big Dave" costing me a UFC interviewer job in '94 ["Big Dave" couldn't shut up about me being in wrestling to SEG. That's why wrestlers hate "Big Dave"].
Missy

I'll be back later this week with my real article.

Note to webmasters/reporters: When recapping news from this site or from our newsletters, please include a link to www.f4wonline.com as opposed to "From F4W", "From Figure Four Weekly" or derivatives. Thank you!

For the most in-depth and detailed news and analysis on pro-wrestling and MMA, always turn to Wrestlingobserver.com/Figure Four Weekly Online, the #1 website of its kind on the Internet. Members receive online access to both the Wrestling Observer and Figure Four Weekly newsletters and growing archives, Wrestling Observer Radio with Bryan Alvarez and Dave Meltzer three times per week, the popular Bryan and Vinny Show twice per week, additional radio shows including Figure Four Daily with Alvarez, Mike Coughlin's Five Star Radio, the Dr. Keith Lipinski Show, The Adam and Mike Big Audio Nightmare, and the Karl Stern Wrestling History Show, the infamous BOARD, and more! Members also have full access to the thousands of hours of audio in our radio show archives which date back to 2005. For your convenience, we offer secure online payments using your VISA, Mastercard, American Express, Discover card or PayPal account. Don't miss out on the fun, sign up now!

Want full access? QUICK AND EASY $9.99 SIGNUP!