TNA Impact Begins…NOW!

-We get highlights of last week’s show.

-Tenay and West welcome us to the show.

The Motor City Machine Guns (Sabin and Shelley) vs. Shark Boy and Curry Man

Curry Man and Sabin to begin. Lock up and off the ropes, a tackle and Curry Man dances on Sabin. They trade arm drags, off the ropes and a dropkick by Sabin. Alex tags in, snap mare and he bites Curry Man! He says it is spicy. Tag to Sabin, they double team Curry Man and end with a double suplex and kicks. Sharky dives in, they atomic drop him into Curry Man, and they double teams to him. Curry Man tosses Alex, Sabin fights back and takes a kick by Curry Man and a Thesz press from Sharky. FIN DROP follows. Sharky lays the boots to him in the corner, an Irish whip and Sabin grabs Sharky and sets him on top, but Sharky gets a RANA on Sabin. Tag to Curry Man, places him in the corner and gets the ass attack. Curry Man up top, kicks away Alex but Sabin tosses Curry Man off of the top. Alex in with an RVD like kick off of the top. Off the ropes and a DDT/flatliner combo to Sharky and Curry Man. Alex tosses Sharky to the floor, and then Curry Man. STEREO SUICIDE DIVES onto Sharky and Curry Man!

It is then that the music hits and Petey and Steiner make their way out. They beat down Petey and then Steiner levels them and we get a DQ.

Winners: No Contest @ 4:45

-Petey gets the Canadian Destroyer on Sharky, and he has fully morphed into Mini-Pump, with the dye job. Steiner says Angle lost last week because of him, and now at Sacrifice he will beat Joe for the title and he will take Angle’s gold medals and make him his personal bitch.

-Angle rushes out and he and Steiner brawl. He tosses Petey to the floor and then gets an ankle lock on Steiner. Petey is in with the pipe and lays out Angle, making the save. Steiner places Angle in the recliner, and Samoa Joe comes out to make the save for Angle. He clears the ring and stands tall.

-TO THE BACK and JB is with AJ. Tomko was injured in Japan in “an MMA fight/he was suspended” and AJ has to find a new partner. Cornette says he needs JB, because tonight he reveals the 8-men that will make up the rest of the tag teams for the Deuces Wild Tournament. Cornette says it is Thursday, IMPACT, he has more stuff to do so AJ is on his own to find a new partner, if not, he is out of the tournament.

-Back from commercial and West hypes the main event.

~THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SPEAK~

Mike Tenay is in the ring, and brings out Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. They feel up Tenay a bit as he breaks down the Knockout Makeover Battle Royal. Tenay asks if they are ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. Love says they aren’t worried, they don’t sweat anything or anyone because that would make their makeup run. As far as the match goes, they want to make sure that the makeover goes to someone who needs it, like her. We see Gail Kim on the big screen bald. Then they show ODB bald. Love then runs down the crowd, and Sky says they can look all they want, but no one can ever touch the beautiful people.

This brings out Kim and ODB. ODB says that maybe they can’t touch them, but she can put her hands all over those big old fake fun bags all she wants. ODB and Gail shove them down and they brawl. Sky and Love bail and they blur Love’s top, as she may have been exposed. Don’t blur that shit you need all the ratings you can get. ODB calls them hookers without customers for the night, and then says they will meet later tonight and also promises that one of them will assume their favorite position, flat on their back.

-JB is with AJ. He goes to find Booker T and he and Kurt cross paths. He asks if he has talked to Karen, AJ says no and Kurt says to keep it that way. AJ goes to meet with Booker and asks about being his partner. Booker asks who he is and asks if he has a pass to be back here. AJ says he has held all the titles and is a decorated champion, and Booker BERRIES HIM; asking if he beat JB for those titles. Booker says he is not giving autographs and tells AJ to leave. Ouch.

-In the back with Joe and Nash. Nash holds the title as Lauren asks about the tree-way and tonight’s tag match. Joe says he and Nash saw it coming and he welcomes it. He is counting the days, because he loses competition and destroying people. They will also discover he loves being the champ. Nash says not to forget the money, the money Joe.

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Match: Eric Young and Kaz vs. LAX (Homicide y Hernandez) w/Salinas

Hernandez and Eric to begin. Lock up and to the corner they go, an Irish whip, Lair corner flip by Eric, back in and Hernandez levels him. Kaz tags in, as does Cide and they lock up, side headlock by Cide, off the ropes and a headlock take down by Kaz. Cide escapes, of the ropes and an arm drag by Kaz. A slam and then a springboard leg drop gets 2. Off the ropes, an atomic drop and dropkick by Kaz connect. Blind tag by Hernandez, he flies in with a shoulder block. The ref didn’t see it and misses a roll up by Cide. Hernandez tags in, neck breaker by Cide and then the catapult in the lariat and back splash by Cide. Hernandez with a bear hug now. Kaz works to escape, forearm shots and off the ropes, a boot and the Mexican Back Breaker is countered and rights by Kaz. Off the ropes and a springboard and Hernandez catches him, SIT OUT POWERBOMB gets 2! Tag to Cide, head butts to Kaz and then rights follow. Off the ropes, and an overhead toss by Cide gets a cover for 2. Tag to Hernandez, off the ropes and double corner attack and then Hernandez gets a Vader body attack that levels Kaz. Tag to Cide, Hernandez has Kaz on his shoulders and Kaz escapes (sloppily) the super gringo cutter and dropkicks Hernandez. Eric tags in, attacks all and a northern light son Cide gets 2. Hernandez clotheslines Kaz to the floor, after some counters Cide gets a roll up on Eric for the win.

Winners: LAX @ 5:30 via pin

-Eric is upset with himself and Kaz is pissed that they lost. They knuckle up with LAX and show respect after the bout. Cide has the mic and calls out Hector Guerrero to the ring, because they got something to say to him. After a commercial break Guerrero is in the ring and Cide says to look at him because he is talking. They studied tapes of the Guerrero’s and his brother Eddie. Cide says they have respect for Eddie and they wanted to be like him and the brothers; Mondo, Chavito, Eddie and Hector. Cide says they respect the whole family, and especially him. At Sacrifice, they want him to be in their corner to guide them to greatness, the tag team titles. Guerrero asks if he wants the Guerrero family fame and knowledge? At Sacrifice they will take the titles home! They shake. Tenay and West actually shut up during that entire thing until the end when it was time to talk.

-Traci is with Cornette and h says he can tolerate her, and he will think about her proposal. Morgan is here and says they know what he can do. He want sin the eight man group for the tag tournament. Cornette says Morgan will have to wait until later like everyone else. Kip James attacks Morgan as retaliation from last week, and security fills the office.

-Angelina Love and Velvet Sky shake their asses while they walk. I APPROVE.

-JB is with AJ, looking for a partner. AJ goes to Kevin Nash and he is with Christy Hemme. He is discussing her dreams of kinkiness. She promises to rock AJ later, in the tag match. AJ asks Nash about being his partner, AJ says there is big money there. Nash says it is with the champ, and AJ says Joe is the champ. Nash agrees and leaves. At least he knew who AJ was.

ODB and Gail Kim vs. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky

ODB mocks the entrance of Love and Sky, tremendous. ODB and Love to begin, and Love is OFFENDED by ODB’s presence. They shove each other, ODB gets a slam and then slams the face of Love into the mat. Sky and Kim tag in, Sky spears her and chokes her out. To the corner, Kim avoids her and then gets a clothesline. A dropkick and then a slam by Kim. Love nails her, and distracts her enough to bring ODB in. Kim tries the lucha run up arm drag, but Love trips her up and Kim gets crotched. Sky slams her down and we head to a commercial @ 2:05.

We are back from commercial @ 5:20 as Love is in control of Kim. Love slams her head repeatedly off of the mat, slaps ODB and then as the ref is distracted Kim takes a double team beat down. Kim manages a roll up in the corner for 2. Another roll up for 2, but then takes a clothesline. Love covers for 2. Off the ropes, Kim reverses and they then double clothesline each other. Tags to ODB and Sky. ODB cleans house on both Sky and Love. Cross body by Love, caught and ODB gets the sack of shit slam and kips up. Sky on the attack, but ODB takes control with the 2nd rope Thesz press for 2. Kim tosses Love, ODB escapes the necktie slam and gets a running powerslam on Sky for the win.

Winners: Gail Kim and ODB @ 8:20 via pin

-After the match Love tosses ODB and attacks Kim. Kim fights back, ODB in and they shoot her off the ropes, but Love escapes. And now Roxxi is out and attacks Love! She tosses her back in and Love is in trouble. They all take turns beating on Love, and then Roxxi gets the VOODOO CRUSHER! ODB offers her a drink from the flask and she takes it!

-JB is with Storm and Roode. Roode reads the paper while Storm and Jackie drink. Hilarity ensues due to James Storm. AJ is here and still needs partner. He offers Storm “grandpa’s cough syrup” and Storm declines, and then calls Karen a skank. Roode gets involved and says there are two of them and only one of AJ, since Tomko is gone. Roode declines tagging with AJ and tells him to go and bug someone else. Storm and Jackie take all the beer and AJ is a sad panda. JB sees someone enter the room, and AJ asks him to be the partner and he apparently agrees.

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Match: The Rock & Rave Infection (Rave and Hoyt) w/Hemme vs. AJ Styles and Super Eric

AJ and Rave to begin. Off the ropes and a side headlock by AJ. Off the ropes and AJ with a backdrop. High knee drop and a cover for 2. Tag to Super Eric, and Rave runs to his corner for a tag. Hoyt in and Super Eric tries a shoulder block and nothing. The same the second time, goes for #3 and gets a flying forearm that takes Hoyt down. AJ tags in, Super Eric back in as well and they get a double hip toss. AJ looks happy and covers Hoyt for 2. Hoyt with rights, tag to Rave but he’ll eat the sweet dropkick buffet from AJ. Hemme distracts AJ, and says he is with Karen. A slam on Rave is countered, then AJ manages rights but Hemme trips him up and Rave gets an STO that turns AJ inside out. Hoyt tags in, cross body by AJ caught and Hoyt slams him down after playing air guitar on his ass. Rave in now and they double elbow AJ and then double drop elbows and a cover for 2. AJ fights out of a neck crank, PELE to Rave! Diving tag to Super Eric, he cleans house. Off the ropes and takes Rave to the corner, gets Hoyt and then tries a double DVD, they stop it and AJ is in to even the odds. Rave tries his wacky arm bar, Super Eric stops that, RANA by AJ to Hoyt and then an Enziguri to Rave, DVD by Super Eric to Rave and that is all.

Winners: AJ Styles and Super Eric @ 5:30 via pin

-AJ and Super Eric pose and celebrate.

-Team 3D, LAX, Cage and Rhino and Super Eric and AJ have all qualified.

-Sting is here to say this place is a Looney bin. Sting says the business changes people, and that egos take control. That was useless.

-Back form commercial and Tenay and West discuss the innovative TNA matches. At Sacrifice, we will see a new innovation. THE TERROR DOME~! A mixture of the cage match and ultimate X, apparently 30-feet high.

Daizee Haze vs. Cheerleader Melissa

Lock up and a takedown by Melissa. Go behind by Haze, headlock takedown and she has control as of now. Melissa gets to her feet, escapes with an arm bar and side headlock. Elbows by Haze, off the ropes and a shoulder block by Melissa. Off the ropes again, hip toss blocked and an arm drag by Haze. Head scissor by Haze connects, and this ANGERS Melissa, who tosses her across the ring. Chops by Melissa and then a hair toss across the ring. Snap suplex by Melissa and a cover for 2. Haze counters a backdrop suplex, chops now and Melissa just kills her with a forearm. Heart punch by Haze, off the ropes, her kick is countered and Melissa gets the KUDO DRIVER and that is all.

Winners: Cheerleader Melissa @ 2:40 via pin

-TO THE BACK as Lauren is with Steiner and Petey. Steiner says all men are NOT created equal. He is a freak, and Joe’s chances of winning drastically go down. He has a 66 2/3 chance of winning. Yeah. Dear lord he is confusing. I lost it here, he is doing some new fucking math here. The numbers apparently don’t lie, 43% of the time. Steiner calls Joe a fat ass and says that he will win the title.

Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle vs. Scott Steiner and Petey Williams w/Rhaka Khan

It’s good to see Angle wearing kneepads, that dude misses too many moonsaults to NOT wear them. Ask Muta. Petey and Joe to begin, Joe starts kicking his ass with jabs and chops, and then sidesteps a cross body try. Chops and kicks to Petey, knee drop off of the ropes and he tags in Angle. Uppercuts by Angle and then a short-armed clothesline gets 2. Drop toehold by Petey and then the dropkick to the back of Angle. To the corner and Steiner tags in. Chops in the corner by Steiner and Angle is down. Off the ropes, Angle avoids a clothesline and gets an overhead belly to belly on Steiner. Tag to Joe, head butts to Steiner and then jabs. Eye poke by Steiner slow Joe down, and he slams him to the corner. Chops by Steiner, off the ropes and a reversal and corner splash by Joe. Petey blind tagged in and gets a missile dropkick to Joe. We’ll head to commercial @ 3:25.

We’re back from commercial @ 6:40 and Steiner gets a clothesline, elbow drop and pushups. Petey tags in, rights to Joe, off the ropes and Joe gets an atomic drop. Steiner knees Joe in the back and Petey levels Joe with a spin kick and covers for 2. Steiner tags in and gets a chinlock. Joe escapes, but Steiner gets an overhead belly to belly on Joe and covers for 2. To the corner, chops by Steiner and then an Irish whip, charges in and…STJOE~! Petey grabs Joe’s hair and slams him down, which means BOTH men are down in the ring. Tags to Petey and he eats a boot as he dive sin on Joe. Tag to Angle…NO! Joe flips off Angle and starts beating down Petey. Flapjack on Petey, ENZIGURI to Steiner. Jawbreaker by Petey, but Joe back with a snap slam and gets 2 as Steiner saves Petey. Angle tosses Steiner, and then attacks Joe! Joe levels him with a kick, and then gets the MUSCLE BUSTA on Petey for the win.

Winners: Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle @ 10:40 via pin

-After the match Angle gets a GERMAN on Joe, and then locks in the ankle lock. Steiner chases Angle away with the steel pipe and then lays out Joe. Steiner celebrates with the TNA World Title.

-TO THE BACK and JB is with Cornette. He plans to go out there and SHOCK the world!

-We get replays of what happened in the main event.

~CORNETTE ANNOUNCES THE EGOTISTICAL EIGHT~

Cornette has the tag titles in the ring and says that four tag teams have qualified, and four more will be made up of the eight individuals he brings out now.

1. Matt Morgan 2. Kip James 3. BG James 4. James Storm 5. Booker T 6. Robert Roode 7. Sting

Cornette begins to talk and realizes that there is not 8 people out there. He has one more announcement to make, one that will make history. the 8th person is the TNA Knockout’s Champion…AWESOME KONG~!

-End scene…