By Ryan Mulligan

WWE Friday Night SmackDown! Report 10/10/08
Taped 10/7/08 in Spokane, Washington.
 
By Ryan Mulligan
Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
 
Line of the night, courtesy of Vickie Guerrero: "I can still hear the
crunching sounds of my vertebrae compressing!"
 
This past Sunday at "No Mercy," the Big Show experimented with
brain-punching, causing the Dead Man to be even more so. Elsewhere,
Triple H narrowly escaped with his WWE Championship, as Jeff Hardy
once again fell just short of his destiny. This week on "SmackDown,"
Festus finds love, Brie Bella takes teleporting to a new level, and
Kizarny.
 
EXCUSE ME~! Newly wheelchair-prone Vickie Guerrero is in the ring with
Chavo. She says that the Undertaker's Tombstone two weeks ago forced
her to return to her "hideous" wheelchair and to reapply her
"pathetic" neck-brace. The crowd doesn't feel like letting her talk,
and so she responds with the most epic growl of an "EXCUSE ME~!" ever.
She says that at "No Mercy" she got her revenge on Taker, and so, as a
reward, she's giving The Big Show a WWE Championship match against
Triple H tonight. The Big Show enters with smiles aplenty. He says
that Taker will never be the same and forces us to watch the same ppv
footage that opened the show. Hopefully we don't see it as often as
the "Unforgiven" footage. He then goes on to expound the virtues of
the Power of the Punch and promises to become champion tonight.
However, he gets cut off by Vladimir Kozlov, who does the "Cut the
promo in Russian and then do my own English translation" gimmick,
which amounts to him challenging the winner of tonight's title match.
The Big Show responds by saying that even though the people hate him,
at least he's an American, to which the crowd begins chanting, "USA!"
The segment ends here. I'm not sure why they had Kozlov come out here,
considering the extent to which he made his presence felt later in the
show. I'm also not a fan of having heels interrupt heels. I'm just
sayin'.
 
Brie Bella vs. Natalya (with Victoria)
Brie opens the match with a Thesz press of all things, which leads to
some catfighting on the mat. She slips on the ropes in the corner, but
still manages to hit some semblance of a crossbody for a two-count.
Natalya fights back with a McGuinness-esque spinning lariat. Brie
bails to the floor and tries to scoot under the ring, but this time
Victoria goes with her. Victora emerges with a spooked look on her
face, at which point Hornswoggle peeks his head out and lunges himself
at her to a good pop. Swoggle chases Victoria away. Brie comes out on
one side of the ring, but then goes back under and almost immediately
comes out on the other side! Natalya looks confused and consequently
falls victim to a crucifix to give "Brie" the victory. The Hornswoggle
dynamic added a fresh twist to this highly intriguing storyline. I
kind of wish this angle was taking place in TNA, though. Then we could
have a battle royal where the first person to get under the ring wins.
Winner: Brie Bella
 
Backstage, R. Truth reminds Funaki that he's "SmackDown's Number One
Announcer." Indeed. Things get whacky when Funaki has trouble saying,
"What's Up?" Funaki then informs Truth that his first name is "Kung,"
his middle name is "Fu" and his last name is "Naki." "Kung Fu Naki."
Get it? This leads to Truth singing hilarious puns on the name to the
tune of "Kung-Fu Fighting." Why would someone go by a combination of
their middle name and their last name? Are we completely abandoning
all forms of logic now?
 
In his locker room, HHH is getting his text on, but is having trouble
deciding between Shawn Michaels and Steve Austin for the special
referee for the Chris Jercho vs. Batista match at "Cyber Sunday." Jeff
Hardy takes a seat next to him. Good friends/better enemies. He wishes
Triple H luck in his match tonight, but then goes all Kozlov on his
ass and says he's challenging the winner too. I'd hold off on Hardy
winning the title. I can't think of anything I'd rather see in WWE
than Hardy winning the title at "WrestleMania." Who's with me?
Anything not involving Festus, I mean.
 
Non-Title Match: U.S. Heavyweight Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. R. Truth
Truth's awesome entrance now includes fan participation. Little kids
shouting "What's up???" into microphones? A million buys. I've decided
I'm going to stop mentioning the Gold Standard pre-match promos until
he says something interesting. That's a challenge. Shelton opens the
match with clubbing blows in the corner, before tossing Truth outside
and ramming him into the barricade. Back inside, Truth starts
unleashing some plunder of his own. In a neat spot, Truth tries to
shoot Shelton into the ropes, but Shelton baseball slides and cuts
back on Truth with a clothesline. A long headlock leads to a
back-suplex from Truth. The corkscrew flying forearm follows for two.
Shelton gets in a backbreaker to regain control. He hits a headbutt on
the mat. Shades of the late JYD. At this point, the match abruptly
ends when Truth gets a roll-up of sorts to secure the three-count.
That was a "blink and you missed it" finish that I would've liked to
have seen a replay of. No dice. They've done really well with this
feud so far, with Truth getting his second non-title victory over
Shelton here, and presumably setting him up for an upcoming shot at
the title.
Winner: R. Truth
 
Jeff Hardy vs. MVP
Gregory Helms checks in during MVP's entrance and gets in a
quasi-burial line about MVP failing a lot recently. Don't worry,
though. The losing streak is an angle. JR informs us during this match
that if MVP can secure the victory he'll earn a mysterious "Incentive
Bonus." I love the idea of a pro wrestling contract awarding money
based on victories. My assumption is that he'll never win a match
again and will consequently go broke and start working a homeless
gimmick. MVP goes wild with pin-attempts early on, but Hardy cuts off
his momentum with a sit-out gourdbuster. He then goes for a
hilariously premature Swanton, which MVP rolls out of the ring to
avoid.
 
After a break, Hardy mule kicks MVP, but gets kicked in the gut while
attempting the descending dropkick in the corner. At this point, Jeff
Hardy becomes YOUR Charismatic-Enigma-in-peril. MVP hooks in a seated
abdominal stretch. He hits some headbutts to Hardy's midsection on the
mat and then goes for a cover. Dude, seriously? He channels the spirit
of Triple Hach and hits a face-buster for two. It's too bad he didn't
go for the Pedigree next. Hardy eventually hits the Whisper in the
Wind, followed by a standard-variety dropkick and two of the
descending variety to regain control of the match. Actually, he's on
his way to victory, as the Swanton soon after ends this one. Hardy
starts celebrating, but gets interrupted by Kozlov. Hardy goes for a
crossbody off the middle turnbuckle and winds up getting headbutted in
the chest. KOZLOV'D~!
Winner: Jeff Hardy
 
Kizarny.
 
Jesse, Festus and The Colons vs. Kurt Hawkins, Zack Ryder, Kenny
Dykstra and Ryan Braddock
BISCUITS AND GRAVY!!! The lovely and talented Maria is YOUR special
guest ring-announcer for this match; a circumstance which plants the
seeds for perhaps the greatest angle of my lifetime, as comatose
Festus appears to be smitten with the young lass, endearingly gazing
at her with love-struck eyes. Well, okay, he's staring at her the way
he stares at anything in that state, but work with me here. The Colons
are billed and announced as "Primo and Carlito," but it's a little
late for that. Helms pops up again to bury the heel team. The
culmination of this angle should be Helms being confronted by everyone
he's ever talked smack about, and the segment should end with a
push-kick. Festus freaks at the bell, but the heels all bail. Carlito
hits a quebrada on Ryder, but the heels gain control in the corner and
take over the match, exchanging quick tags and using rather pedestrian
offense to keep Carlito grounded. He eventually fights out of a
headlock from Dykstra with a jawjacker. He hits a hurrancanrana and
makes the hot tag to Festus, who comes in with bear-paws aplenty. He
kills Dykstra with the Flying Biscuit and a big boot to the face, but
Braddock breaks up the pin-attempt. Carlito runs in and takes Braddock
to the outside, while Primo and Jesse launch themselves at the former
Edgeheads on the floor with stereo tope suicidas. This leaves Dykstra
in the unfortunate position of being prey for Festus, who finishes him
off with the fireman's carry flapjack. After the bell rings, comatose
Festus again swoons over Maria, who does the "Giant eyes to show I'm
confused and possibly a little scared, but quite willing to bang this
guy anyway" routine.
Winners: Jesse, Festus and The Colons
 
Handicapped Match: The Great Khali (with Runjin Singh) vs. Three Unnamed Jobbers
Singh gets on the mic before the match and shows us the footage of the
now-infamous "Tallywhacker Incident." Khali has challenged Johnny
Knoxville to appear Monday on "Raw." If Knoxville gets in trouble,
look for Chief Roberts to make the save. Khali scare-poses two of the
geeks out of the ring and gives the one who decides to stick around
the HEADCHOP OF IMMENSE PERIL AND CERTAIN DOOM~! which is enough to
end this classic. Singh then informs us that Khali will be presenting
another installment of the "Kiss Cam" and he looks on the TitanTron
for a suitable victim. He's not interested in the first two, pretty
chicks, but instead decides on a third, who's, well, not. When she
gets in the ring, Singh actually asks her, "How much do you weigh? to
which she responds, "A lot." Seriously. Khali hesitates but eventually
kisses her. There's a lot of potential for a goofy, babyface version
of Khali, but they need to work to his strengths. First of all, he
should come to the ring accompanied by a goat instead of Singh. He
should also dance and cut promos on inanimate objects.
Winner: The Great Khali
 
It's official: next week on "SmackDown" it will be Jeff Hardy vs.
Vladimir Kozlov! Kozlov responds to the news by stating, "Next week I
crush Jeff Hardy. Next week I break him in half." There needs to be a
segment where Kozlov just walks around backstage push-kicking
everyone. Preferably down staircases.
 
WWE Champion Triple H vs. The Big Show
The Big Show begins the match by tossing HHH over the corner to the
outside. Point taken. Once outside, however, he rams his own shoulder
into the ring-post. Triple H gets headbutted off the apron, but hangs
up Show on the top rope soon after. Show decimates The Game with a
sidewalk slam, as we go to a poorly-timed break.
 
We're back, and Show has got the Cerebral Assassin in a Khali-esque
neck vice. During the break, Show gorilla pressed Triple H. I hate
when they show you something you'd want to see as it happens that
happened during a commercial. HHH gets leg-dropped for a two-count.
Show fails twice in a row, first missing with a Flying Asshole and
then eating HHH's boots on a corner charge. The Game applies a
sleeper, which eventually leads to him being somewhat gingerly dropped
to the mat. Show misses an elbow drop, and Triple H connects with a
facebuster. He goes for the Pedigree, but Show counters that and hits
a variation of Emerald Frosion. That's a finish in Japan. Show goes
for the death blow, but HHH avoids it. What he doesn't avoid, however,
is a chokeslam. Show then goes for the death blow to the back of
Triple H's head, but before he can connect, a GONG goes off, and the
lights go out. When they come back on, THE UNDERTAKER is in the ring.
He kicks Show to the floor. The lights go out again and when they come
back on Taker shows up next to Show in the aisle-way. They brawl to
the back, with Taker getting the better of the exchanges. HHH looks on
from the ring, when who should make his presence felt, but Vladimir
Kozlov! The two warriors engage in a slugfest in the ring. The Game
goes for the Pedigree, but Kozlov shoves him off, and Triple H runs
right into a headbutt to the chest. KOZLOV'D~! Jeff Hardy runs out to
make the save, but he gets harshly shoulderblocked down as well! The
faces then unite, however, and HHH punches Kozlov out of the ring.
Another "USA!" chant breaks out. HHH stares down Kozlov, when all of a
sudden Hardy levels him with a Twist of Fate! That receives a mixed
reaction. The show ends with Hardy and Kozlov staring each other down.
Winner by Disqualification: The Big Show
 
This was a typically entertaining episode of "SmackDown." We didn't
get any great matches, but the angles and feuds they're building have
all been strong. The Kozlov-push became epic this week, as they're now
seemingly building towards a three-way between him, Hardy and Triple H
at "Cyber Sunday." With neither of the two faces thus far able to get
the better of Kozlov, he's been protected to the extent where he
should be a legitimate threat to the title in the fans' eyes at the
ppv. I wouldn't have minded an appearance by THE Brian Kendrick,
though. Or even Big Zek. I'm also hoping for the in-ring debut of Eve
Torres next week. Fingers crossed on that one.