OVW TV report for tonight's show

Here is the report for Ohio Valley Wrestling episode 699. This episode is available for your viewing pleasure at http://www.ovwrestling.com/tv/699. This was the first episode following January 5th's Saturday Night Special.
Our announcers are Dean "San Juan" Hill, Gilbert "Anchorman" Corsey, and Michael "Rocky Mountain Mouth" Titus and they open the show with an update on OUR OVW Director of Authority Trailer Park Trash/Frank Miller, who suffered some injuries during the main event of Saturday Night Special, telling us after this hardcore match TPT was carried out on a stretcher with a concussion, dislocated shoulder, and bruised ribs. Gilbert says TPT will not be with us tonight as Titus is pleased at the prospect of TPT not coming back for a while.
Meanwhile, the winner of the above match, Flash Flanagan, comes out to the ring accompanied by Ms. Josette Bynum, who is in a sparkly purple and black dress. Flash is in his "Flashamania" t-shirt. Josette intros Flash as a former hardcore, tag team, and heavyweight champion AND "the only real man in this building"! Flash says TPT was an idiot for even challenging him to a hardcore match, noting if it wasn't for Mick Foley holding him down, he'd be a hardcore legend. Flash he had the door shut in his face but he came back and kicked it down. Flash brings up TPT's daughter, calling her a "crack baby" and a "retard". Out comes OUR OVW Champion "The Welsh Colossus" Rob Terry, who says he has battled TPT before and everything he gave TPT in the ring, TPT gave it right back thus earning Terry's respect. Terry challenges Flash to a match tonight and Josette accepts! Flash doesn't look too thrilled at this, but Titus says Josette has a plan.
Back from break, Dean points out this is episode 699 and what happens the week after next is episode 701:)
Match #1: Stephon J Baxter III vs Doug Williams
Baxter is intro'd as being from Stanford although the tree mascot doesn't come out with him. Dean (who apparently has been here for virtually all of them) mentions some of his broadcast partners over the years, saying Gilbert is his favorite but then changes to Al Snow and Jim Cornette. Gilbert mentions episode 700 for next week which will have Williams vs "Smooth" Johnny Spade in a steel cage! Williams methodically beats on Baxter while the cage match is discussed. Gilbert tries to get insight from "war analyst" Titus as to why the Coalition Forces lost a 7 on 5 match Saturday but Titus says "General" Crimson told him not to discuss it. Baxter's suspenders come undone as Williams clamps on like an upside-down crossface to make Baxter tap out.
To the back where OUR OVW Womens Champion Jessie Belle is in the midst of some happy time with Epiphany and two ladies with huge wigs on. Taeler Hendrix comes up and accuses Jessie Belle of cheating to win the title and she WILL get it back. Jessie says she'll give Taeler a title shot anytime she wants one. Eddie Diamond and Timmy Danger (in another huge wig) come in and are in awe of all this. They then invite the ladies to go party or something, leaving Taeler all by herself. Taeler picks up a pink gift bag (with her name on it) and pulls out a piece of paper. She reads it and gets a smile on her face.
Match #2: Shiloh Jonze (w/"Rudo" Raul Lamotta) vs "Double-R Superstar" Randy Royal (w/Tony Gunn)
Titus notes that Royal did wrestle Saturday night but he was waning at the end of the match and it's going to take him a long time to get back to where he was following his heart attack and subsequent surgery. Royal hits an armdrag but pauses before getting up. Titus then notes Rob Conway is still trying to come back from a bicep injury a while back and points out the heart is a muscle as well. Jonze puts the boots to Royal as we witness a couple of more uncomfortable pauses, especially after Royal slams Jonze. Royal hits a spinning punch for the pin.
OUR OVW Ring Announcer Terry Boddie is with Rob Terry in the back but they get interrupted by Josette, who suggests a title shot for Flash. Rob says if Flash beats him tonight, he can have a title shot. Camera cuts over to Best Team Ever (Rudy Switchblade & Jesse Godderz) who are arguing in the hallway. Switchblade is not happy about Godderz being absent Saturday night, thus forcing Switchblade to go for the tag titles by himself. Godderz says Hollywood called him, but anyway he got them a number one contenders match against Jason Wayne & Crimson, which he says they will win and everything will be just peachy-keen! Switchblade hesitates then high-fives Godderz.
Match #3: Elvis Pridemore vs OUR OVW TV Champion Cliff Compton
Compton out with both belts and this is a title match. I meant to say this before but I really like Compton's new music. Compton makes Boddie say he always was TV champ! Titus calls him a "multimedia" champion. Compton overcomes some early offense by Pridemore then drapes him across the top rope and leaps off the top and clubs him in the back, sending him to the mat. Compton takes a bow before crunching Pridemore for the pin. Compton takes the mic to tell us it's just like he told TMZ when he pulled up in the Batmobile: he always was OUR defending, reigning, undefeated TV Champion!
In the back, James "Moose" Thomas thanks "Smooth" Johnny Spade for having his back Saturday night, but Spade corrects him and says he didn't have Moose's back, he had his own back. Spade doesn't trust anyone except himself, and reveals the only reason he got involved at all was because he wanted to get his hands on Doug Williams. Spade advises Moose not to trust anyone.
Match 4: Matt King (w/Chase King) vs "Smooth" Johnny Spade
Matt's OVW TV debut flashes before his eyes as Spade hits a few uppercuts and a superkick for the pin. Spade gives Chase a complimentary superkick as well. Spade then takes the mic and proclaims the epicness of his cage match next week with Williams.
In the back we find the Mobile Homers (Ted McNaler & Adam Revolver w/Brittany Devore) imbibing some "rocket fuel" in celebration of the fact that the "Mohicans" were wrong and the world didn't end! They are greeted by the Mascara Mafia (Paredyse & Brandon "Espy" Espinosa), who McNaler says "can put away hot dogs like nobody's business"! Revolver says he, Revolver, and Devore had been hiding from the apocalypse in their bunker. They emerged to find out that Alabama had won the national championship, which set off a round of yelling "Roll Tide". Paredyse tells them he's just glad to see them back as the Mobile Homers continue their beverages.
Back to ringside where 5/7 of the Coalition Forces come out: "General" Crimson, Jason Wayne, Joe Coleman, Shiloh Jonze, and Raul Lamotta. Crimson, Wayne, and Coleman (who is in a black suit as opposed to military clothes) get in the ring, where a table is set up with something propped up on an easel. Crimson has a prepared statement in front of him as he reads it to us (wearing reading glasses!). Apparently, Wayne has now been promoted as Crimson refers to him as "General" Wayne. In a nutshell, Crimson says the Coalition has never been stronger despite OVW being plagued with corruption, and their quest is to rid the world of terrorists and free OVW from oppression. Crimson names some "Terrorist Leaders" such as Dixie Carter, Danny Davis, and Al Snow. They have discovered a conspiracy covering all levels of OVW/TNA, right down to the "monkey-suit-wearing fat slob of a ring announcer"(referring to Boddie)! Crimson opens the document on the easel to reveal 9 photos on a "Most Wanted Terrorist" list. Crimson points to the picture of Rob Terry, who "unlawfully stole" his OVW Championship. Also on here are TPT (wanted for tyranny), Danny Davis (conspiracy), Moose Thomas, Al Snow, Dixie Carter, and Taeler Hendrix (huh?). Crimson turns the mic over to Wayne, who says the Coalition is now targeting OUR OVW Southern Tag Team Champions The Gut Checkers ("Samuel" Shaw & "Alexander" Silva-who are also on the list for espionage and aiding & abetting), after spending time at the Pentagon collecting information on them and coming to the conclusion that they have committed treason or something. Wayne says they have full permission of the commander-in-chief to wage war on them! Wayne then goes into flashback mode, accusing Silva and Shaw of pinning down his fire team in Korea. This leads to Wayne acting this out as he gets down on the mat, going so far as to put on a gas mask then pull out a grenade! Crimson and Coleman calm him down, before Crimson reiterates that Shaw & Silva are marked men. Best Team Ever's music hits as they come through the curtain but we're going to break first!
Match #5: Best Team Ever (Rudy Switchblade & Jesse Godderz) vs Crimson & Jason Wayne
So if Crimson and Wayne went to Washington and they are now both "Generals", we could name them "The Washington Generals" (YEAH!).
Anyway, we return from break with BTE in the ring and Wayne jumping them. The winner will face Shaw and Silva for the tag titles. Switchblade gets worked over as Godderz poses on the apron, refusing to tag in. Titus says that Godderz is an important person and has a lot of demands because of that. Switchblade tags Godderz on the back and Godderz reluctantly comes in. He wants to tag out but Switchblade walks out on him, leaving him at the mercy of Crimson & Wayne. They salute and double chokeslam Godderz for the pin. Titus believes that Switchblade will come to his senses and will patch things up with Godderz.
Time for "THE MIX TAPE"!!!!!!!!With Timmy "Rampage" Danger and Eddie "White Kryptonite" Diamond!!! Mine and Gilbert's favorite part of the show!! Diamond is drinking what appears to be champagne and is quite tipsy. They are doing the first "Suckah of the Week" for 2013! The Body Guy (2012 Suckah of the Year) is nominated but instead "Rear Admiral" Jason Wayne is named the winner for kissing Paredyse! Diamond calls him the "Dude Kissing, Camo Wearing, (he garbles the third sentence), Suckah of the Week". Danger then looks at Diamond's "champagne" bottle to discover it's really Welch's sparkling grape juice! Diamond says he's had 3 bottles of this and 6 Shirley Temples!
We immediately go to the main event!
Match #6: Flash Flanagan (w/Ms. Josette Bynum) vs OUR OVW Champion "The Welsh Colossus" Rob Terry
Flash is without the Flashamania shirt from earlier. It's noted if Flash wins, he'll get a title shot at Terry next week on episode 700.  Terry gets all physical on Flash to start, so Flash bails out for consultation with Josette. As Terry's knee issues are discussed, Flash's offense is targeted at that knee. Titus says Flashamania is gonna run wild! Back in, Terry powerslams Flash but Josette gets up on the apron to distract Terry. Josette gets grabbed like a sack of potatoes by Terry, who carries her to the back. Terry makes it back in at 8 but Flash goes back after the knee. Terry hits a few lariats and a backdrop followed by a powerslam for a cover but Josette runs back out to distract Terry. Flash chopblocks Terry and pins him with Feet On The Ropes to get a title shot next week as the show goes off.
Thoughts: I'm really glad they changed up some matchups this week. I kind of felt uncomfortable watching Royal's match. Congratulations to OVW on getting to 700 episodes although I've only watched about 40 myself. It wouldn't surprise me if BTE made up. Glad to see the Mobile Homers back! Wonder what Taeler's letter was about? Maybe she's going to TNA, which means I'll never see her again :( The Coalition segment was pretty funny. If they are targeting TNA and Dixie Carter, where do I sign up? I'll give this show an upper thumbs in the middle.

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