WWE Monday Night Raw
January 21, 2013
San Jose, CA
WWE began this episode with the airing of the usual Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. video they have aired in past years.
Vickie lands a zinger
Vickie Guerrero, escorted by Paul Heyman, began the show with an announcement. She and Paul were upset at last week's Rock concert, saying he had defamed them. Paul was disgusted that Rock defamed Vickie, whom he called the sexiest GM in WWE and all of TV history. Rock's singing of "Horrible Tonight" from last week was replayed. Surprised a bit they are re-airing that at the 8pm hour on a children's show. Anyway, Vickie banned Rock from entering the arena tonight. If he enters, he'll be arrested. A stage hand then told Vickie that Rock had arrived, and the Tron showed that Rock had been stopped by THREE OFFICERS. Rock told the officers that there was no force on the planet that could stop Rock from entering the people's ring. Rock told a Manti Te'o joke, calling Punk's nutsack imaginary. Rock again said the cops won't stop him from entering the building. Vickie responded by telling a clever "Jailhouse Rock" joke, and ripped off Rock's catchphrase. Paul looked on astonished.
BEAT THE CLOCK IS BACK~! Cole and Lawler previewed tonight's Beat The Clock, with the man who wins in the fastest time getting to choose his entrance number in the Royal Rumble.
Beat The Clock #1: Orton vs Cesaro
Orton won via RKO to set the Beat The Clock time at 11:36. The last time these two battled was last week on Main Event, but the Shield invaded before a winner could be decided. After three minutes had gone by, we had a commercial break. So, that tells me neither of these guys are winning this challenge. Has a Beat The Clock winner ever come from the first match of the challenge? The match set off on a slow pace, and didn't pick up that much after the commercial break. Rest holds and suplexes reigned supreme for the first nine minutes. Lawler was disagreeing with Cesaro's strategy of applying so many holds. At the ten minute mark, Orton set up for his draping DDT but Cesaro reversed into a failed pin attempt. A minute of Cesaro control went by before Orton caught an RKO out of nowhere while Cesaro was distracted by looking at the clock. Story of this one was that Orton was going for pins much quicker than normal, while Cesaro wasn't in as much of a hurry. Why should he be? He's confident he can win the Rumble from any position, right?
A Mick Foley Hall of Fame video aired. It's the best one I can remember.
Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins in his best attempt at a menacing voice, and Roman Reigns welcomed us to the Shield of Justice in a taped and edited video package.
Wellllllll, it's the Big Show vs Zack Ryder
Big Show beat Ryder via WMD in less than a minute. WWE App broke the news that Big Show vs Alberto Del Rio for the World Championship in a Last Man Standing match will take place this Sunday. WWE App also broke the news that Zack Ryder had no chance in this match. They were right. However, more importantly, BRAD MADDOX jumped the dashers to join Cole and Lawler on commentary. Maddox referenced his strong positive reaction on twitter as to why he was out on commentary again. That's basically all he said because the match ended so quickly.
Brad Maddox and Paul Heyman met backstage. Heyman told Brad to stick with him, and that he'd make Brad famous.
The Ryback vs The Heath Slater
Ryback beat Heath with Shellshock rather quickly, and managed to beat up both Drew and Jinder during the match without much effort. After the match, A PROMO~! Ryback promoted his first Royal Rumble match, saying it is a match he was made for. To close, he led the crowd in a "Feed Me More" chant. Cole called him the favorite to win the Rumble. DOUBT IT.
The Rock is still trying to get in the building. He was telling the officers that they should serve the people by letting him in. The cops appeared to agree with Mr. Johnson. One officer even said he had a ticket to the show, and that gave Rock an idea. Before his idea was told, Vickie came up making sure they didn't back down. Vickie asked for an apology, but that was a no-go.
Raw Roulette returns next week!
CM Punk is the Champion of the WWE
Paul Heyman held the mic up for Punk to cut a promo on how he had worked half of his life to get the WWE Championship. Punk will not allow Rock, or any man, to take the title from him. Rock is here to entertain, Punk says, while Punk is here to hurt people and be the champion. Rock holds the people meaningful, but Punk says they are meaningless. This was an all serious sell job for the Rumble match, so simple yet probably the best push for the show so far even though Punk repeated himself a few times.
Beat The Clock #2: Dolph vs Nature Boy Miz
Ziggler won in just under eleven minutes. I hope whoever wins this wins the challenge. Like, in under a minute. Please. Miz tried to grant my wish, going for pinfalls right out of the gate. As you'd expect now, Miz worked Dolph's left leg. At three minutes, Dolph countered Miz's first figure four attempt by kicking Miz outside the ring. Langston got a shot in on Miz here, as we went to commercial. Back from break, and this match got very good. Reversals galore, Miz using dirty tricks, and crowd heat I wouldn't expect for these two. With a minute to go before hitting the 11:36 mark, Miz locked in the figure four. However, AJ distracted the ref while Big E dragged Ziggler to the ropes. With the hold broken, Miz spent a bit too much time looking at Big E, and Dolph surprised him with the Zig Zag for the win. The new time to beat is 10:56. No dissension between Dolph and Langston shown during this one.
Anger Management Graduation
Dr. Shelby was back, this time in front of the live audience. Shelby was here to congratulate Team Hell No on being the first graduates of his anger management class. I guess Scorpio Sky failed and is off being angry somewhere. Kane and Bryan came to the ring clad in graduation gowns. Bryan had slick, combed hair. Kane still wore his black glove. What a sight. Dr. Shelby asked Kane and Bryan to decide who the valedictorian of the class would be. Kane chose Bryan, Bryan chose Kane. You see, the valedictorian would have to give a speech on their feelings. Neither wished to do this. This led to an argument and another Shelby freak out. A "Dr. Shelby" chant broke out. This guy could be a mid-level manager in WWE and get over, I think. Shelby called for a giant worldwide hug, asking everyone everywhere to hug. Kane asked Lawler and Cole to hug, and they did. Bryan asked Dr. Sampson and Justin Roberts to hug, so they did. The two then chose random fans to hug, and they all did. The graduation ended with a three way hug between Shelby, Bryan, and Kane.
Eve Torres Memorial Match
Kaitlyn battled the cheery Alicia Fox. Alicia had pretty much the whole match until one missed move allowed Kaitlyn to hit her GORE for the win.
Backstage, Paul Heyman told Punk that he had his own personal message to the Rock. Paul wanted Punk to rest in his skybox to watch it.
Punk, from atop the arena in his skybox, watched as Paul Heyman gave his message to the Rock. It was a message to the whole WWE Universe as it turned out. Paul was out to be Punk's interpreter, in a way, as he needed to simplify Punk's message because the audience is too stupid to realize what is happening between Rock and Punk. Paul called Rock stupid, like the people. This brought Rocky out. Yep, he got in the arena, as he took the cops ticket. Apparently, the cop had an excellent seat... you know, one that gets your own entrance music played and promo time in the ring.
Rock dismissed Paul Heyman. Rock addressed his message up to Punk, who is still sitting, looking on from his personal suite. Rock told Punk that tonight is his last night as WWE Champion. Ever? Who knows. Bet not. Rock is going to rip Punk's face off, according to the man himself. That will hurt. Serious Rock promo to counter Punk's serious promo, and he incorporated Dr. King into his promo. Rock has a dream to win the title.
UH OH! The lights went out, and The Shield attacked Rocky. Big three months for these guys. Rock did his best to withstand the onslaught, but he couldn't. Rock received a trio powerbomb from the group. Punk then spoke, claiming that Punk is the king of the mountain. Well, not exactly in those words. As Punk spoke, Rock was spitting out blood. This segment was a win, except now I want to see Rock get payback on Shield.
Beat The Clock #3: Sheamus vs Wade Barrett
After an intense battle with big moves and some high risk from Barrett, we got some mild shenanigans. With two minutes to go, Sheamus countered Wasteland with White Noise, looked at the clock for a while, and set up for the Brogue Kick. During his set up, AJ Lee, Dolph, and Big E ran down to the ring. AJ distracted Sheamus, letting Wade recover and hit his Winds of Change for a nearfall. The two, spent, recovered in separate corners. Sheamus recovered first, and nailed his Brogue Kick on Wade. As he went for the cover, time ran out allowing Dolph to win the Beat The Clock challenge.
Backstage, Dolph and AJ made out in Vickie's office. OH! Dolph got played. Vickie didn't say the winner could choose ANY number, but the winner got to choose A number. #1 or #2. Vickie got her LOLs in and left, while AJ and Dolph were stunned.
Backstage, Paul and Punk were walking the halls. Vince McMahon appeared. Punk looked scared at first, which was a fun look. Punk claimed innocence again in the Shield attack on Rock. Vince said if the Shield gets involved in the title match this Sunday, then there would be consequences. Punk gave Vince a death stare. Heyman tried to cool Vince off, but Vince held firm and said that Punk would be stripped of the title if Shield interferes. This must have been a live segment, because Vince botched a couple of his already limited lines.
Alberto Del Rio vs Tensai
Del Rio won a moonsault from the second rope. Tensai is a total geek. Del Rio made a final push for his title match at Rumble on the mic. Del Rio then led the crowd in a count of ten... en Español. Lawler goofed and called Del Rio "Roberto Alomar," which earned some easing from Cole.
WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2013 welcomes Bob Backlund.
John Cena Talks
I don't even know what the first four minutes of this speech was supposed to be. It certainly didn't sell buys to Rumble. He was asking what individuals in the crowd did on Sundays. Well, this Sunday, John's going to be wrestling in the Royal Rumble match. Cena, in a bold move, claimed that he'd win the Rumble. Little crowd reaction. Sheamus came out to call Cena out on his bizarre speech. Also, Sheamus, in an equally bold move, claimed that he'd win the match. Okay, in an even more bold move, the PTP'ers got a main event segment slot. D-Young and Titus came out, but were almost immediately cut off by Orton's music. Orton called himself the man who'd win. Miz cut him off. Wonder what he's going to say. Apparently this guy thinks he's going to win. Miz went into his catchphrase, but Team Hell No cut that off. They were arguing over which one of them would win, with microphones malfunctioning and everything. Cesaro cut them off. Who's left? Where's Mr. Backlund?? Cesaro was dedicating his win to the USA. 3MB came out next, and Heath's mic failed, also. After 3MB, every other entrant rushed the ring and a huge brawl ensued. JTG and Ted DiBiase made an appearance. Alex Riley showed up on Raw for the first time in, like, forever. Geeks started getting dumped out of the ring by the stars as the show went off the air not a moment too soon.
Last segment made me want to cancel my Rumble purchase. However, we at least know we should be getting a real finish in Punk vs Rock. My prediction, as it was in June, as it is now, is that Punk wins and goes on to Undertaker at Mania. Man, now that it is in writing and out in public, we'll see how foolish I look. Probably not as foolish as the first four minutes of Cena's promo tonight.
Until next week, thank you and be safe!