Our announcers are Dean "San Juan" Hill, Gilbert "Anchorman" Corsey, and Michael "Rocky Mountain Mouth" Titus and our ring announcer is Terry Boddie. Dean opens the show by introducing a two-minute clip of highlights from last week’s historic 700th episode, including kind words from some TNA personalities and some country-style background music.
After that it's on to the matches!
Match #1: "Diamond Steel" Ryan Howe vs "The Ken of OVW/The Justin Bieber of Professional Wrestling/The King of Pink" Dylan "Freakin'" Bostic
Howe brings out his guitar and plays what sounds like the opening to AC/DC's "Thunder" then throws his pick out to the crowd. Bostic comes out in Elton John glasses and a crown on his head. It is pointed out that Taeler Hendrix is not with Bostic here since she is preparing for her match against Epiphany in a little while. This is a rematch from January 5th's Saturday Night Special that saw Bostic get the win. Howe works in an early backslide for 2 but Bostic blocks a hiptoss and dropkicks Howe. Bostic whiffs on an elbow drop and Howe drops down to uppercut him then neckbreakers him to set up for the Blockbuster. Out comes Flash Flanagan in his "Flashamania" shirt to push Howe off the turnbuckle which allows Bostic to hit a lungblower on Howe for the pin. Flash comes back to attack Howe as Ms. Josette Bynum looks on. OUR OVW Director of Authority Trailer Park Trash/Frank Miller comes out to chase Flash away. Josette correctly points out that TPT didn't seem to have a problem interfering in Flash's title match against Rob Terry last week, so she lets us know that unless Flash gets a rematch with Terry, they will interfere whenever they see fit tonight!
Match #2; Taeler Hendrix vs Epiphany
This is a #1 contenders match for the title currently held by OUR OVW Women’s Champion Jessie Belle with the winner getting a title shot at February 2nd's Saturday Night Special. Announcers wonder who has been sending Taeler gift bags, with Dean noting that perhaps Gilbert (who is an investigative reporter) should delve further into this. A voice comes over the monitor and the match is delayed because we have mine and Gilbert's favorite segment of the show..."THE MIX TAPE” with Eddie F. Diamond & Timmy "Rampage" Danger! The set is done up in hearts and Kanye's picture in the background is covered up by two hearts labeled "Eddie" and "Epiphany". Danger is taken aback with this. Diamond, who is smitten with Epiphany-even comparing her to biscuits and gravy-rushes through "Suckah of the Week", which is VIP Joe Rosa (the I Don't Know-The Big Dumb Faced-Bug Eyed-Admiral Akbar-Suckah of the Week!) . Diamond, holding a small bouquet of roses, then expresses his undying devotion for Epiphany and is literally waiting for her call as he has a corded phone in front of him (since his cell phone ran out of minutes:). The phone rings, but it's someone asking him if he's happy with his long distance provider. Diamond argues with the caller then demands to be connected to Epiphany (he doesn't know what her last name is!) but gets hung up on. The segment ends with a graphic of "Epiphany-call me".
Anyway, Epiphany does not look impressed at this and gets rolled up by Taeler for a quick 2. Gilbert calls her "Epiphany Jones" but confesses he doesn't know her last name either. Titus thinks Epiphany is like a turtle, if she gets down she'll have a hard time getting back up! The two trade kicks then Taeler chops and kicks Epiphany in the corner. Epiphany arises and boots her in the corner then powerslams her for the pin and the title shot. Taeler melts down again at the announce table then goes to the back and does the same. She notices another gift bag and takes a look inside before spotting Bostic and throws herself at him, weeping as a puzzled Bostic hugs her.
"Double R Superstar" Randy Royal is sitting in the back with his trainer Tony Gunn. Royal is looking at his doctor bills, noting that it comes out to $51,000! Royal says he needs to get back to the shape he was before so he can get those bigger "winner's shares". Gunn tells him to keep his head up.
James "Moose" Thomas is getting ready for his match when "Smooth" Johnny Spade appears. Moose asks Spade for some advice on dealing with Williams but Spade gets all offended and says HE is the one who should be on that match, not Moose!
The Spanish moss-wearing guy from last week (Dean thinks he's a dog, lol) crawls through the curtain and motions for everyone to come out. The Coalition comes out en masse (Crimson, Jason Wayne, Joe Coleman, Jack Black, Shiloh Jonze, Raul Lamotta). Wayne says the current terrorist threat level is a code red severe! Notable that this week the Coalition are all in matching camo. Crimson has a cigar (wouldn't a pipe be more appropriate for a general?) in his mouth. Wayne chases Boddie away and introduces his group. Crimson says they are wrestling's only anti-terrorist task force.
Match #3: OUR OVW Southern Tag Team Champions "The Washington Generals" Crimson & Jason Wayne vs "The Mobile Homers" Adam Revolver & Ted McNaler (w/Brittany Devore)
This is a non-title match. Brittany is in her normal attire of a tied-up flannel shirt and cutoff jeans and is carrying a jar of what presumably is "rocket fuel". Ref Chris Sharpe ejects the non-tag champ Coalition members early after shenanigans are discovered. McNaler gestures wildly at Wayne, which triggers a flashback! Titus refers to the Mobile Homers as "delirious dipsamanaics". Back from break, the Coalition has isolated Revolver and is working him over until he makes Crimson miss on a splash and we get TAGS! "Man-Beast" McNaler enters the ring and fires up on Wayne. McNaler comes off the top with a flying forearm for 2 but Crimson breaks it up and it's everybody in the pool! Crimson pulls down the top rope and the charging Revolver tumbles out. Flanagan and Josette again wander out to ringside. Flanagan bangs Revolver into the ringpost and snaps McNaler across the top rope, allowing Wayne to pin him.
The ejected Coalition members (plus the "dog") return to the ring and we get a 7 on 2 beatdown. The American flag gets draped over the fallen Mobile Homers (who are labeled as "terrorists"). Poor defenseless Brittany is held down by Black and forced to witness all this as "Taps" plays in the background.
In the back, TPT comes up to the Mobile Homers and Brittany to check on them. McNaler says if they find "that sissy" Flash, they'll beat him up. TPT apologizes for allowing his personal business with Flash to affect their match. McNaler calls Flash a "pantywaist" at the very moment the Mascara Mafia (Paredyse & Brandon "Espy" Espinosa) comes into the room. Paredyse appears to be rather offended at their use of "sissy" and "pantywaist" then says that after seeing the Mobile Homers' barbecue video, "they aren't exactly Hank Williams". Paredyse pats them on the chest and says "Good match, rednecks.".
Jamin Olivencia comes out to the ring with both TV title belts. He says after he mopped the floor with Cliff Compton and made him look stupid last week then made off with both belts, Compton went to the OVW Board of Directors. Jamin says he was told to return the belts to Compton or he would be terminated. He calls out Compton, who comes to the ring. Compton has the Batmobile running outside so he wants the belts back now! Jamin interrupts Compton's nickname listing, saying he has a proposition. Jamin says since every sequel is better than the original (okay...): another ladder match at Saturday Night Special! Compton says Jamin is nowhere near the number one contender, leading to Jamin calling him a chicken! Compton changes his mind with one condition: if Jamin loses, he will never get another title shot. Jamin then says if he wins, Compton will not get another title shot at him. Jamin tosses the belts at Compton's feet. Compton picks one up and tries to hit Jamin with it but gets it kicked back in his face.
In the back, the Gut Checkers (Sam Shaw & Alex Silva) are strolling down the hall when they encounter a victory celebration by the Coalition. They want to talk a little business with the Coalition concerning their rematch clause but Crimson says they don't negotiate with terrorists! Silva says he has a text message from the Pentagon saying the Gut Checkers do get a rematch at Saturday Night Special, flashing his phone at Crimson. Shaw says he has Donald Rumsfeld on speed dial and spoke to him on this matter! The Coalition gets all in a tizzy over this!
Match #4: Doug Williams vs James "Moose" Thomas
This is a number one contender's match for the title that is currently held by OUR OVW Champion "The Welsh Colossus" Rob Terry. Apparently no "spots" were given up, traded, or otherwise manipulated for the matchup here. After a slow start and much discussion about Spade's place in all this, Williams breaks up some traded armworking with the Eyepoke of Doom. Moose fights back a little and charges at Williams, who pulls down the top rope and sends Moose spilling out to the floor as we go to a break. We come back to find Williams beating on Moose outside the ring then rolling him back in. Moose reaches over to grab Williams but gets snapped across the top rope. Williams goes for a sleeper but can't keep a good Moose down. Williams with a hairpull takedown for 2 then clamps on different style of sleeper. Moose eventually escapes but Williams gives him a flying knee and sets up for a suplex. Williams can't get Moose up and gets himself suplexed. Moose rises up with some lariats as Spade comes out to watch. Moose gets distracted by this Williams connects on a back elbow from the top for 2. Moose fights off Williams and clotheslines him for 2. Moose sideslams and splashes Williams for 2.8. Williams rolls up Moose for 2 but gets backdropped. Williams waistlocks Moose and pushes him into the corner but the ref is there and gets squashed. Moose kick on Williams for 4 but the ref is still down. Flash runs out and hits Moose with a chair, pulling Williams on top and the ref finally wakes up to count the pin.
Flash comes back in with the chair but TPT also comes in as the locker room empties. TPT says Flash will get a rematch at Saturday Night Special, not with Terry but with him! TPT makes it a last man standing match as the show goes off.
Thoughts: Not too much here as I only watched this once this week. The Coalition segments and The Mix Tape were the highlights for me. Perhaps Taeler has a sugar daddy? Noticed Paredyse has gotten a new hairstyle, looks like a different attitude is coming too. Not sure why Compton and Olivencia are doing a second ladder match. When I think of Shawn Michaels vs Razor Ramon in a ladder match, I don't think of the second one. Anyway, I'll give this show a slight thumbs up.