WWE RAW recap: 2 excellent segments, 150 minutes of filler
Monday, 28 January 2013 20:31
WWE Raw Roulette
January 28, 2013
Las Vegas, NV
Tonight is the night we spin a wheel to book a three hour show!
Vickie Guerrero began tonight's show informing us of how tonight's Raw Roulette would work. There were three wheels. One for superstars, one for stipulations, and one for funtime with Vickie or whatever the hell it was called. Randy Orton vs Antonio Cesaro is our first match, and Vickie spun the wheel to determine what the stipulation would be. Special referee was where the needle landed, so I'm guessing that'll be Miz.
CM Punk throws a fit
CM Punk stormed out to the ring in quite the angry mood. Paul Heyman looked on like a consoling father who just let his kid vent and vent even though he knew it'd do no good. Punk called himself the people's champion as the crowd chanted for The Rock. Punk called Rock a cheater, and said he couldn't pin the champ without help. Punk called last night a bigger screwjob than Bret in Montreal, and announced that last night would forever be known as the Phoenix Screwjob. This brought out Vince McMahon, another cheater according to Mr. Punk. Vince said that there was an anonymous man who handed over evidence proving that Punk was complicit in The Shield's attacks on various superstars in an effort to help Punk. Then, to hand over more bad news, Vince announced he'd be doing a performance review on Paul Heyman later on tonight. This review may lead in Heyman's TERMINATION~! Oh, I hope not.
John Layfield is on hand tonight for commentary, so tonight's special three hour episode... hmm? Oh, every episode is three hours? Nevermind then. Layfield seemingly wears the same exact suit every night on commentary. Can this be true?
Randy Orton vs Antonio Cesaro w/ Special Referee The Miz
Orton pinned Cesaro after an RKO. Antonio continued to come to the ring with an American flag, now clad in a jacket with the flag on the front and back, as well. This was a long match, going through two commercial breaks. Late in the bout, Antonio hit a flying uppercut on Orton for a nearfall. Cesaro argued with Miz over the nearfall, then shoved Miz out of the way and attacked Orton who had crawled to the corner. Miz, who had been impartial the entire match, then turned Cesaro around, and got in his face. This allowed Orton to recover, stalk Cesaro, and hit the RKO when Antonio turned away from Miz. After the match, Miz helped Cesaro up only to give him the Skull Crushing Finale.
Backstage, the Vickie Vegas Funtime wheel was turning, landing eventually on "Make Me Laugh." The camera panned to The Ryback, who did not look to be in the mood for providing laughter.
The Ryback vs Prime Time Players in a Make Me Laugh Challenge
Really. This was a joke off. Featuring The Ryback. Really. Titus told the first joke, which was at Matt Striker's expense. The crowd booed, and Titus said they wouldn't know entertainment if it slapped them in the face. Layfield said Titus needed a washrag. Ryback told a joke. Was has twenty fingers, four eyes, and are about to be unconscious. Answer: PTP'ers. Ryback finished them both. Striker announced Ryback as the winner, then ate a Shellshock of his own.
The Bob Backlund Hall of Fame promo aired again.
Wade Barrett chooses Bo
Bo Dallas beat Wade Barrett. Wade Barrett was in the ring, and we had a spin of the wheel which brought about "Player's Choice." He chose Bo Dallas as his opponent, the same man who eliminated Wade from the Royal Rumble last night. Bo took a beating early, all while Cole and Lawler put over what a nice and respectful guy Bo is. Layfield put an end to the Bo lovefest on commentary saying Wade is the future. Bo got a "career altering" win according to Cole by reversing the Bullhammer elbow into almost a belly to belly suplex. This came after getting pretty much zero offense in up to that point.
Backstage, Cody Rhodes spun the superstars wheel to reveal 'John Cena'.
John Cena chooses his WrestleMania opponent
John Cena beat Cody Rhodes. Before the match, no lie, the announcers went over the tale of the tape. Not between Cena and Rhodes, but rather Cena and Fred Flinstone. After about thirty seconds of battling, Cody bailed from the ring and grabbed a microphone. He said the match was a waste of Cody Rhodes, and he left. Cena would not stand for this, and quickly chased down Rhodes, who hadn't gotten very far, to bring him back into the ring. A quick AA later and Cody was done in just two minutes. Cole put over Cena's amazing start to 2013.
Promo time from Cena. This crowd was collectively not his biggest fan. Cena's blood vessels protruding out crazily tonight. Cena said he won the Rumble in an unpredictable finish. LOL. Cena said he has a difficult decision to make regarding which title to go after at Mania. He said if he chooses the WWE Championship, he'd either face Punk or Rock. So is this Cena announcing the title rematch at Elimination Chamber? Because up until this point it hadn't been announced. He said Punk had been unbeatable in 2012, while Rock beat him last year in the match that Cena said was a must win. Cena said he could either face Alberto Del Rio, or pick between two man he had "virtually no chance in beating." Cena, after playing up the crowd chants, announced he was challenging the WWE Champion. The Shield made their way to the ring after the announcement. Why is Roman always walking down the stairs alone? Layfield called Cena stupid for staying in the ring waiting for the Shield. Turns out he was. Shield beat down Cena until Sheamus made the save, but he was no match. Ryback then stormed the ring, but he failed to make an impact, also. Shield dominated all three guys, laying out Sheamus and Ryback outside the ring. Cena tried one more time for payback, but again The Shield took control. Cena received a triple team powerbomb for his trouble.
We got voiceover guyer back to tell us about The Rock's return as champion coming up, plus Vince's performance review on Heyman.
Backstage, the wheel spun on Lingerie Pillow Fight. Hilarious, the camera panned to Tensai. Tensai said absolutely not and bailed. Brodus was there, too, and Vickie said she wouldn't make them wear women's lingerie. Brodus respun and got 'Dance Off.' Cole thought this was all the funniest thing ever. Brodus promised to "tell Tensai about the change."
Tensai vs Brodus Clay in a Dance Off
Brodus didn't tell Tensai about the change! That sneaky fatty. Tensai came out in lingerie. He also spoke more during this show than he had during all of 2012, I think. Tensai was wearing a thong and lingerie top over his wrestling gear. After the initial laughter, we had our dance off. Cole mentioned that Clay had an unfair advantage since he had the Funkadactyls. Tensai refused to dance at first, but obliged after some words of advice from Jerry Lawler. Tensai then danced, doing the robot among other great moves. Layfield claimed it was a mix between Akebono and the bunny rance. Ron Simmons, backstage, yelled "Damn!" at a monitor to close out this waste of time and burial of Tensai.
Backstage, Alberto Del Rio spun the stipulation wheel. He got "Bodyslam challenge," and Vickie said he'd have to bodyslam Big Show.
Big Show Doesn't Play Nice
Big Show didn't care about the stipulations and just started brawling with Del Rio right away. He landed a knockout punch quickly on Del Rio to put him out. He beat up Ricardo for good measure. Show took out some duct tape and taped Del Rio up to the middle rope. Show set his sights on Ricardo with Del Rio out of the picture. This had shockingly little heat as Show just beat up Ricardo for a few minutes. Ricardo couldn't get free as Show slammed and dominated Ricardo. Big Show finished the segment by delivering a knockout punch on Ricardo, then one for Del Rio to even it up. The crowd did boo loudly as Show left, but this segment wasn't much.
Diva's Showgirl Match
This was awful. Crowd didn't care. There were girls around the ring dressed as showgirls. All the girls eventually got in the ring and brawled with eachother, while Tamina and Kaitlyn looked on. This was an absolute disaster of a segment/match. We had no winner. Michael Cole promised that the show was going to get better.
The Rock Tries To Save The Show
Rock spoke about the journey of winning, then went on to bash Heyman and Punk. Usual Rock stuff. Punk came out, alone, still angry, saying he made the title special but Rock was handed the title and is going to ruin everything Punk worked for. Punk was fantastic. He told Rock that he should walk up the ramp, apologize to Punk, and hand the belt over. Rock told Punk that if he had any manhood, Punk would walk down the ramp and take the belt. Classic difference of opinions. Rock called Punk a "Punk Ass Bitch." Punk started to walk down, but didn't quite get to the ring. He then walked back, mocking Rock for swearing so much. He then mocked Rock not working the WWE schedule. Punk said he wanted a rematch, and they could do it this Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday at shows Punk will be on. Since Rock won't be there, Punk granted Rock a title match at Elimination Chamber. Yes, granted. Punk was on fire. He granted Rock a title match, saying Punk is the real champion. Rock agreed, and we have a title rematch at Elimination Chamber.
John Cena sure is clairvoyant.
Backstage, on the WWE App, Damien Sandow spun the wheel to get a tables match against Sheamus.
Sheamus vs Damien Sandow - Table Match
Sheamus beat Damien Sandow. Sandow was doing everything he could to avoid Sheamus and tables early, but after getting an advantage on Sheamus, Sandow got cocky and tried to set up his own table. Sheamus recovered and took over control. In the ring, with a table in now, Sandow began working Sheamus' bad shoulder. Sandow brought another table into the ring. I'm already bored. This is the most boring tables match I've ever seen. No heat for this, so I'm not alone in this belief. Sandow was beating Sheamus' arm through the legs of a table in the ring as part of his offense. Well, after a bit more, Sheamus took over again and hit all his usual moves. A table was set up in the corner, and Sheamus hit White Noise through it for the win.
Zack Ryder's on TV
WWE Karaoke was up now with Zack Ryder and Great Khali. Each guy would get to sing a Superstar's theme song. Khali had to sing HBK's theme music. He actually didn't do too bad, I thought. But, of course, that still doesn't mean it was good. 3MB ended this foolishness before Zack could sing. They claimed they were the real rock stars of WWE. Heath told Drew to show them. Drew played air guitar, but Khali ended it with his chop to the head. Drew took a fantastic bump for it. The remaining four guys then brawled, to which Michael Cole replied, on commentary, with "Um...okay." Great. Another awful segment. Ryder and Khali sent 3MB packing and danced in the ring with Natalya and Hornswoggle to end this trainwreck.
Backstage, Chris Jericho was walking towards the ring.
Chris Jericho Returns to Raw
Jericho was wearing new purple tights with "Y2J 2013" written on. Reigniting their feud from last year, Dolph Ziggler interrupted Jericho's return speech. Ziggler and AJ reminded Jericho about the stipulation in their match last Summer, which saw Jericho get ousted from WWE. Big E told Jericho to leave before he ruins his little return. Jericho mocked Big E's name. Ziggler asked Jericho what he's doing here. Vickie appeared, saying she re-signed Jericho to Raw. Vickie spun the wheel and we got 'Strange Bedfellows.' This meant Dolph and Chris Jericho would team up to face Team Hell No now. This sounds great!
Team Hell No beat Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler. Dolph and Jericho got along just well enough, until the finish. As Kane and Bryan were arguing, as per usual, Jericho tagged in Dolph, slapped Kane on the back, then bailed. Dolph asked where Jericho was going, then turned around and ate a chokeslam.
WWE Hall of Fame 2013 welcomes Trish Stratus~!
Booker T will announce the World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber participants on Smackdown.
Paul Heyman's Performance Review
Is this like Dana White doing a performance review on Ed Soares? Vince announced Punk had been escorted out of the building ten minutes ago, so Paul Heyman is left alone for this segment. Heyman looked sheepish, yet, composed. Vince asked Paul if he has, or ever had, Brad Maddox or the Shield under contract. Paul said no, never. Vince asked if Paul has ever lied. Paul said he has lied every day of his life, because he is a promoter and that's what a promoter does. He doesn't regret it, either. He swears, however, he isn't lying now. Vince played a clip. It was a clip from Brad Maddox' personal camera guy. Paul had taken Maddox back into a dark hallway, and told Maddox he was done. Paul admitted he was paying Maddox and Shield during a berating of Maddox. The Shield arrived, and they beat down Brad Maddox. The crowd gasped at Heyman's admission of hiring both he and Shield. Heyman looked distraught. A "You got busted" chant broke out, poorly done, however, by this crowd. Vince asked Paul to explain himself. Before he could answer, the crowd started singing the Na Na Na Goodbye song. Hilariously, Heyman said that it wasn't he in the video. Heyman claimed to be falsely accused, citing Vince being falsely accused in his past. He looked for sympathy. He claims that the person in the video was a Paul Heyman impersonator. Vince was about to fire Paul when...
Brock Lesnar showed up. As Lesnar got in the ring, Heyman said, not into the mic, that he had this under control. Lesnar calmed Heyman down and told him to stay in the corner. Lesnar stood up to Vince. Vince told Brock not to do something he'd regret. Paul was screaming from the corner for Vince to leave the ring. Brock gave Vince the F5 as Paul screamed in horror. Vince sold like death with Paul kneeling at his side asking Brock what he done.
Note: CM Punk, Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar, and Vince McMahon. If you end up watching this show later, and don't see one of those four men on the screen, fast forward until you do. Nothing else was worth anything.