Thursday, 28 November 2013 20:52
11.28 Impact Wrestling
The Big News: Aces and Eights were laid to rest, but Bully Ray vowed to return. Dixie Carter ordered A.J. Styles to return the TNA World Title next week. And this year's Thanksgiving show featured not one turkey suit, but two.
Mr. Anderson did a voice over with shots of a funeral home, where Aces and Eights would be laid to rest tonight.
Taz was back at the commentator's table. If you're wondering what type of punishment Taz would get from TNA company management for joining an outsider group after said group died, the answer is zero.
Dixie Carter came out and said she's decided to name a chief of staff, Rockstar Spud, who came out in a tuxedo and a Flock of Seagulls haircut. Dixie absolutely towered over Spud, who proclaimed that Dixie was now his queen. Dixie announced the semifinals of the World Title Tournament would be Kurt Angle vs. Magnus in a Last Man Standing match and Jeff Hardy vs. Bobby Roode in a tables match. Since tonight was Thanksgiving, Dixie said that the winners of all of tonight's matches would enjoy a Thanksgiving feast, while the losers got the shaft. She called it "Winner, Winner, Turkey Dinner," like it was something revolutionary. Spud unveiled a turkey served on a silver platter, and good lord did that bring back all sorts of bad memories from the dying days of the AWA. I just pray there's not a similar parallel with TNA, or else this is the last Thanksgiving night I'll spend typing a wrestling review. Carter brought out Ethan Carter the Third, who said Dixie flew in his opponent tonight who was a former force in TNA. It was Curry Man, obviously Christopher Daniels under the mask. Curry Man was actually getting over pretty well in 2007 before he got Daniel Bryan'd by the booking team. By the way, I expect everyone to use the term "Daniel Bryan'd" in everyday conversation during the holidays
Ethan Carter the Third defeated Curry Man in 3:36. Curry started doing a promo where said the last names of various Japanese wrestlers before EC3 jumped him. Crowd chanted "You can't wrestle" at him. Curry made a brief comeback before EC3 gave him an arm drag slam off the top rope, threw a short-armed clotheslined and pinned him after the One-Percenter. No number figures for what EC3's record is, with Mike Tenay only saying he was undefeated. *1/4
Angle thanked Gunner for teaming up with him tonight in the eight-man elimination main event. James Storm, also on Angle's team, walked in. Gunner told Storm he threw in the towel during Storm's match with Roode because he thought it was the right thing to do. Storm basically blew him off.
Robbie E. and Jessie Godderz welcomed their new DJ, Zema Ion, who said they would be the new LFO. Robbie wondered how LFO was spelled. Eric Young and ODB walked in with the annual appearance of the infamous turkey outfit. Young then pulled out another turkey suit and said they would be wrestling Norv Fernum and Dewey Barnes, with the losers having to wear the turkey suits. Robbie and Godderz then started dancing around like turkeys, which was hysterical.
2. L'eid Tapa defeated Velvet Sky in 3:37. L'eid Tapa threw Velvet Sky everywhere. Sky made a comeback but was tripped by Gail Kim, who was ordered to the back by referee Brian Stiffler. Tapa hit a TKO for the pin. 1/2*
3. Bro Mans defeated Dewey Fernum and Dewey Barnes in the Turkey Suit match. The deal with Ion is he makes annoying sounds from the DJ turntables while introducing Bro Mans. Fernum and Barnes came out in Member's Only jackets. Robbie said Fernum looked like a hairless hamster. Fernum and Barnes tried to get a quick pin with a schoolboy cradle before Bro Mans got the pin. Godderz pinned Fernum with the Hart Attack, which is called the Bro Down. DUD
Fernum and Barnes put the turkey suits on and started dancing around by flapping their arms. Crowd really wasn't amused until Young and ODB started cheerleading. For some reason, Bro Mans started getting mad. Whole thing was pointless.
They're still doing the "Friends of A.J. Styles" ads, and boy is this a missed opportunity. First Styles was in AAA defending the TNA title against Judas Mesias. Then he was in Japan for Wrestle-One. Now, he's back in Mexico talking with Jaoquin Roldan. Carter again freaked out backstage, and cut a promo on Styles saying he was defending her intellectual property. She gave him one week to return the title. Considering this was basically the same promo that aired over the past three weeks, I don't know why Carter overreacted.
Roode, Sabin, Daniels and Kazarian formed Team Roode. Roode put them all over. Kazarian worked in a line about being drug tested a few months ago and Joseph Park tested positive for gravy. Roode wanted the atmosphere to be serious to prove he was better than Angle.
Spud talked with the caterer wanting fish and chips for Thanksgiving dinner. The caterer recommended turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing. Spud saw it her way.
Magnus will be the final member of Angle's eight-man team. The two talked about their match next week in the World Title Tournament.
Next up was the Aces and Eights funeral, which was attended mainly by Anderson and members of the former Main Event Mafia. Magnus was busy checking text messages while the reverend delivered the eulogy. Samoa Joe gleefully munched away on a bagel. Young, seated with Tenay, was crying to Tenay's confusion. When the minister asked for anyone to come up and said anything positive about Aces and Eights, Anderson climbed out of the casket and went to the podium. Anderson said he had been trapped inside the organization for over a year. This whole thing seemed to be a series of backhanded compliments to Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan now that they're out the door. Anderson said Aces and Eights were responsible for many, many segments on the show, which Tenay nodded approvingly. Anderson thanked Bully Ray's ex-father-in law and ex-wife for sending over a deli plate. Angle got up and said he had friends in the group, D.Lo Brown and Wes Brisco. Angle pulled out a Brown bobblehead doll, and wished Brown better in his next life. That seemed outright cold. Joe got up, still enjoying items from the plate, pulled out a six pack of Aces and Eights beer. He was about to place it in the casket, but stopped and said they were still really cold and started handing out bottles to everyone in attendance. He started to hand one to Angle, but thought better of it. Joe was hilarious. Tenay announced that Taz would remain at the commentator's table with him, but placed Taz's smelly cut in the casket. Somehow, Brooke's booty shorts found its way into Tenay's possession, and was also laid to rest. Young got up and said he shed a tear for anyone who never got to wear this---and he pulled out a turkey suit. So the turkey suit also went into the casket, which made Young inconsolable. Anderson returned to the podium and pulled out the ball peen hammer. He wanted to put it to rest, but held on to it because it was a perfectly good hammer. Then Ray walked through the door, and said Anderson had raped him of everything, and he will never forgive him. Ray threatened Anderson and his pregnant wife, and said they look at death as the last sleep. But he looks at death as the final awakening. For comedy and for Ray's promo, this was really good.
Angle was shown competing in Australia on One Direction Day, streamed around the world.
Spud spit out the caterers food, saying she had 20 minutes to make it right.
4. Bobby Roode, Christopher Daniels, Kazarian and Chris Sabin defeated Kurt Angle, James Storm, Gunner and Magnus in an elimination match in 18:19. Sabin got the first pin on Storm at 4:49. It happened with Storm hit Closing Time on Sabin and teased the Last Call. Kazarian came in and Storm gave him the Last Call. While Storm had his back turned, Sabin gave him a schoolboy cradle for the three count. Storm was mad at Gunner afterwards, I guess for not making the save. Gunner gave Kazarian a uranage into a backbreaker and teased the Gun Rack, but Daniels broke it up. Bad Influence combined for the old Total Elimination allowing Kazarian to pin Gunner at 7:35. So the heels had a 4-on-2 advantage. Magnus hip tossed Daniels over the top rope and clotheslined Daniels while diving off the apron. Magnus started selling his knee, and trainers were called to ringside to treat him. During the commercial, Magnus was taken to the back, so Angle was left by himself 4-on-1. Angle had Daniels pinned, but referee Earl Hebner was distracted. Angle made his comeback with a belly-to-belly suplex on Roode, followed by three Rolling German Suplexes. Daniels ran in for three more Rolling German Suplexes. Then Kazarian ran in. See the previous three sentences. It ended with Angle giving Daniels and Kazarian a German Suplex simultaneously. Angle put Daniels and Kazarian in the ankle lock when Roode brought a chair into the ring. Angle got it away from him and gave him the Olympic Slam. Angle picked up the chair and hit Roode with it over his back, resulting in a DQ. Angle used it on Sabin and Daniels, and walloped Roode again. **1/2
Roode cut a promo on Angle saying he beat him for a third straight time, proving that Angle can't beat him.
Storm and Gunner argued backstage over Storm getting pinned while his partner looked right at him. Gunner wondered if their future is going to be together or apart, and walked off.
Dixie walked up for the Dixie feast with Spud and EC3. Dixie said they had a gourmet meal prepared on their private plane and they left together. Spud paired alongside Carter just makes her more of a comedy character instead of a money drawing heel.
Spud introduced everyone who won tonight. It was weird to see Sky with Sabin since that relationship had not been pushed in recent weeks. Roode grabbed the mic and asked Sabin what she was doing there. Sabin acted like he was going to stand up to Roode, but then told Sky to high tail it to the back. He promised to bring her a doggy bag. Sky's departure left a seat open for Ion. Roode thanked Dixie for their careers in Impact Wrestling, and asked everyone what they were thankful for. Daniels said he and Kazarian were thankful for being wildly intelligent and well endowed. Kazarian said he was thankful that Park couldn't fornicate the pumpkin pie. Kim was thankful for Tapa being so dominant, and thankful for being the most dominate Knockouts champion in TNA history. As an afterthought, she thanked her family. Sabin was thankful for the beautiful hair on the top of his head, the greatest X Division champion of all time, and finally remembered Sky. Godderz thanked Mr. Olympia Phil Heath and Ion. Robbie mentioned being thankful for not having to wear the turkey suits, and being the greatest TNA tag team champs of all time. Roode was thankful for the real Thanksgiving, which was last month in Canada. He was thankful for beating Angle three times, and said everyone would be thankful when he becomes the new TNA World Champion. Angle came out and said he saw a ring full of turkeys. Roode challenged Angle to come in the ring. All the babyfaces from the card, including Burke and Fernum, came to the ring and they had a big food fight. Sky smashed a pie into Kim's face. ODB cracked a chair over Tapa's back. Young hit Kazarian and Daniels with a turkey. Burke and Fernum got to do top rope splashes in their turkey outfits onto Bro Mans, and heels left. The faces all drank beer to end the show, except Angle thank God.
SUMMARY: This Styles angle is so half-hearted. Granted, the company is somewhat hamstrung because they aren't sure if Styles is going to continue beyond January. But if that's the case, why do the angle? It comes off as a copy of the C.M. Punk angle anyway. Plus, Styles should be profiled more on the show to truly be an outsider. 30 second snippets from shows in Mexico that 95% of viewers aren't familiar with doesn't make him a rebel. It was an entertaining holiday show.
Sent from Rod's Pad.