WWE Legends House report



Live from the Palm Springs Legends House:

There are leftover pig’s feet in the fridge and it’s stinking up the house. Jimmy Hart is taking inventory in the fridge and it’s making Tony Atlas mad. Cutaway to Atlas saying he’s either really happy or a dick with no in between, to the surprise of no one.

Two dudes in Renaissance gear and another random guy who looks like he needs to get some sun come through the door and call out the legends, which is met with extreme cynicism by Piper first and foremost. Finkel is “intrigued”. The irony is the legends played characters for years, but are not impressed by someone else playing a character because I guess they’re too phony. The legends have been chosen to be the heroes of a LARP/Live Action Role Playing battle. Cutaway to Pat Patterson, who says “Live Action Role Playing..What the f*** does that mean?” in our first lol of the week.

The guys have to rescue Ashley, who has been kidnapped, and I wonder if I can catch a flight to go help because the world is a better place with her in it. The only thing left behind during the kidnapping is her high heeled shoe, which sends Atlas off the deep end, because he’s got a legit foot fetish. He hugs and caresses the shoe for good measure. Duggan observes Atlas has got to go back to his room for awhile with the shoe.

They all meet on the front lawn, and each one gets their own personalized weapon. Hart gets the Hammer of Hart, which has the special ability of fear. He just yells FEAR! and the enemy freezes and backs off. The 2x4 of course goes to Duggan, Okerlund gets something that looks like a microphone and can heal which he observes  makes him very valuable. Piper gets a cleaver, which kills. Piper is happy with this because it kills. Piper is ready to fight but there are rules for not getting too rough, which he’s got a problem with.

Into the armory to dress for battle and how could this not be awesome? They are given a roomful of clothes to choose from. Barely heard is Patterson’s request for a skirt. They try on different costumes and somehow the renaissance era is completely ignored by Hart, who dresses like Elvis. Pat Patterson dresses like a 13th century pimp, but everyone else is in gladiator gear, Piper complete with face paint.

BATTLE OF THE LEGENDS!!

The guys are charged up to rescue Ashley, and a couple decent promos from Duggan and Piper set the stage. Ashley’s screams of agony make me want to get a plane ticket immediately to help.

The legends find out it’s 8 on about 50 when the evil dude shows his entire army, summoning a “Holy Balls!” from Okerlund, who is awesome in this series because of his deadpan delivery and perfect enunciation. He can tear you up verbally, but do it completely professionally so you just agree with him by default. He’s by far the star of the show when it comes to one liners. Back to the fighting!  Hart immediately runs away and hides, and I laugh some more. Piper attempts to call timeout, and Patterson says there’s too many of them. Mayhem ensues when they figure they might as well fight and Piper goes completely insane with his killing staff. Duggan comes up with an ingenious plan to “disarm and distract”, which works perfectly, enabling multiple kills on the battlefield. Hart decides to join the fray only as he can, running circles around the mob of fighters yelling FEAR FEAR FEAR!!, which Okerlund says got old immediately. Cutaway to Hart explaining his cowardice:  he ran “to get help”, then he “tripped and cut his leg severely and was in tremendous pain and bleeding profusely”. You can see it was a scratch which happened to bleed and I’m in hysterics while writing this. Okerlund continues to dominate the laughs in a cutaway saying Hart is a coward in no uncertain terms. Okerlund then brags about bringing people back to life and getting them back in the ballgame. Atlas kills the chief bad guy in the end and given the crown designating him King of the Realm. Piper’s jealous.

Back at the house, Okerlund calls Hart out asking how the hell he ended up in the woodpile, which led to a complete lie from Hart for more laughs, something about the Elvis costume being too long leading to a scratched leg. They start drinking Finkel’s margaritas and here comes Mean Gene again describing them as “great for someone who never had a great margarita before. If you have had a great margarita before, they’re dog sh*t.” The guys enjoy a bonding segment with a great dinner prepared by Atlas, leading to a feel good night for the guys.

We cutaway to Hillbilly Jim doing yoga in the morning and enjoying life day by day. He says he always preaches it, but has to live it to make it real. This was a cool personal segment, something I figured we’d get more of, but maybe no one else is that interesting.

The guys are met by Ashley in the morning and sent to a spa for pampering. Massages and facials are the task of the day. The guys go through the various stations, getting pedicures, massages, etc., with the only controversial part being when Atlas wants a massage but can’t get one until after the pedicure. He whines a little but finally gets one.

Everyone enjoys a meal at a café outside of the spa and we’re out for this week.

A great episode. Okerlund is my hero for the laughs, and I’m starting to actually believe Piper isn’t just a character he’s playing. See you next week.