Tuesday, 08 November 2011 12:33
By: Justin Shapiro
Date: 11/8/11 from Liverpool, Merseyside, England, Europe
Tonight: The underwhelming return of some smug prick who was never as clever or as popular as he thought he was. Also Nash is back.
The Big News: That major heat angle Miz and R-Truth were supposed to perpetuate on John Cena to make up for last week didn't exactly materialize. Miz did pin Cena with illegal leverage befitting the grave threat posed by these two men. But Zack Ryder main evented Raw, which was legit cool.
Match Results In A Concise, Gentlemanly Summary Befitting The Wrestling Observer Website:
1) Mr. John Morrison pinned Mr. Dolph Ziggler with a roll-up.
2) Mr. Mason Ryan pinned Mr. J.T. G with a full nelson slam.
3) Mr. Alberto Del Rio submitted Mr. Kofi Kingston with the cross arm breaker.
4) Mr. Del Rio and Mr. CM Punk came to blows in an angle re: their world title match.
5) Mr. Jack Swagger submitted Mr. Santino Marella with the ankle lock.
6) Ms. Kelly Kelly was prevented from unveiling the cover of the Maxim Magazine on whichshe appears by Ms. Beth Phoenix and Ms. Natalya Neidhart only to be saved by her allies Ms. Eve Torres and Ms. Alicia Fox.
7) Mr. Kevin Nash delivered an interview about disliking Mr. Triple H.
8) Mssrs. Miz and Ron Killings aka R-Truth defeated Mssrs. John Cena and Zack Ryder when Mr. Mizanin pinned Mr. Cena with Mr. Truth unfairly holding his leg down.
*** please stop reading here if you just wanted to know what happened on Raw and hate cutesy asides, please don't send hate mail, I am sorry for not writing it proper, I am obligated to do these jokes as a professional punch-up artist. I also added the scene in Jack & Jill where Adam Sandler's sister (Adam Sandler) gets farted at by a turtle. ***
*** also, in this day of social media and fancy phones and wireless networking and web 2.0, the chances of an actual wrestler reading this on his fancy phone or his web 2.0 are probably much higher than they were back when I would regularly write stuff, so with that mind I politely ask that no real WWE wrestlers who are bored read this review of their company's most important show on the most prominent pro wrestling website. because they'll just be like, what, this sucks. LOOK AWAY, Justin Gabriel or whoever. just get out of here. ***
Show Recap With Superfluous Jokes And Stuff:
Raw begins with twenty seconds of NCIS bullshit going on with the NCIS guy, I presume his name is NCIS. Case closed! Good work, NCIS ... this time.
If they do Old School Raw again this year, it should begin with the "Murder, She Wrote" end credits. And end with a sexy-ass Silk Stalkings cold open. More like a hot open. "We're going out tonight, to kick out every light, staying up late, skipping the required reading for class tomorrow..." Nickel-Back you are so cool. "On this ode to getting drunk, and 'burning it to the ground,' frontman Chad Kroeger sings about drinking 'everything in sight.'" - "Burn It to the Ground," Song Information, http://en.wikipedia.org It's a Raw Super Show. I'll be the judge of that!
Raw was taped earlier this American afternoon in England. I also pretaped this recap this afternoon and I must say I sure am glad that "Smoking" Joe Frazier is alive. They actually identify their specific locale as Liverpool instead of "Foggy London Town" or "Stone Henge" or whatever vague encompassing term they weirdly default to when they're in some foreign land. As per the usual England Raw set, phone booths are still surprisingly popular in the UK as the cellular telephone, or "mobile," has not caught on over there yet. Immediate Twitter plug. USA: 140 characters welcome. Haha dorks this show is taped so you can't follow what's trending. "The WWE Universe Facebook post 'cuddlin up with my guy after a long day... :D' just got 10 Likes, King!"
John Cena is out. Crowd is all like "oi, boo!" He's glad Rock is gonna be his partner, although the actual selling of the ramifications of this partnership continue to be weirdly been reserved for commercials and WWE.com interviews as opposed to Raw segments. Next week Rock returns to Raw, but tonight, "the Madness meets the Mania" as Cena will face Miz and R-Truth with his partner, a future WWE Hall of Famer... (Mil Mascaras? Hugh Jackman?)
Truth and Miz interrupt the reveal for a walking-down-the-aisle chat. Miz says Cena may have beat him last week, "but that doesn't erase the fact that we beat you down two weeks ago." It sort of does though. He also brings up pinning Cena at Wrestlemania 27. "We will leave you with a lasting impression, an impression you will never forget." An impression of Seth Meyers. Truth adds that the Little Jimmys have been laughing at him all week. In England the Little Jimmys are called "Wee Jimmys."
Cena retorts with a Truth impression quoting "hide ya kids hide ya wife" which I think was from summer 2010 you goofball. If he wanted to be au courant he should've said http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X6VoFBCE9k
(Yeah I know how to hyperlink btw but not in Word docs you e-mail to Mr. Bryan Alvarez for him to post on the ol' website.)
They make it to the ring and corner him and--
"WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW IT / oh radio"
You are serious, bro? None other than "Long Island Iced Z" Zack Ryder makes the save for John Cena. They fend off Awe-Truth, deliver stereo Woo Woo Woo fist pumps, and conclude with a Megapowers handshake. The Madness meets the Mania indeed.
We take a gander at something with the Beatles. No, I mean the actual original master reel of "Something."
DOLPH ZIGGLER (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. JOHN MORRISON
After JoMo in SloMo, announcers talk about Morrison's acknowledgments that he's been struggling as of late. Instead of improv classes he needs to call that athlete psychiatry lady from that USA show they always advertise, "Female Sports Frasier." Or he could call Roddy Piper Perabo. Or he could call that girl Sharah Shahi from the show with the commercial where she walks around in her Underwear who apparently solves a case every single week through mediation? At the fifty minute mark she suggests they split the diff and the episode is resolved. "We'll never agree on this, Shahi! I think we've made that pretty clear." "What about [compromise]?" "OK." Oh god and isn't the show called Fairly Legal? Haha Fairly Legal. WTF Shahi.
Anyway. Morrison has admitted that things aren't going well for him. To his credit, as they've worked to kill his career this fall, he's become the best enhancement wrestler in years upon years; his nouveau squashes putting over Henry and Del Rio and Barrett made them look awesome. This Morrison/Ziggler singles match was on my pretend better Wrestlemania 27 along with Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus and it was about **3/4. (It still didn't get a lot of time.)
We are told that Ryder has been petitioning for a U.S. title shot at Dolph, who doesn't think #he'll get one. Ziggler dominates for most of what will be, at the end of this paragraph, a 14 minute match. Cole says that it "looks like [Morrison's] losing streak will continue, he's been dominated thus far." No pronouns!!!!!! Morrison misses the Starship Pain and lands on his feet, which has typically been the signal that he's about to lose, but they go into a nice series of reversals and nearfalls. Morrison holds the ropes to shake of the Zig-Zag and hits a Flash Kick but Vickie distracts the ref. Morrison protests, Dolph rolls him up, and Morrison loses yet agaihey what Morrison crucixes him 123 and gets the win!
Odd that Morrison would pin the U.S. champ since Ryder is getting the next title shot but, er, you know what, I wouldn't worry about it. The losing streak is over! Maybe the break-up took this time. If so, :( Wait, do you think Daniel Bryan's been constantly losing because they thought Gail Kim was really his girlfriend?
The official theme of the Survivor Series is by the artist Flo Rida. The absolute state of that name. I prefer Tex Ass. I hope it's a sampled/autotuned remix of Deadly Game. "Two simple rules the devil hands us: make your mistakes, but no second chances." - James A. Johnston
At Survivor Series: a Traditional Survivor Series Match. Randy Orton, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, Sin Cara, and Mason Ryan vs. Wade Barrett, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, and Hunico. It's the New Vipers vs. The Rhodes Warriors!!! Wait, apparently Barrett is the heel captain? Proven leadership experience I guess. I bet his team will be a group of equals. Orton deathpunted two of his teammates this year, I hope they're over it.
JTG vs. HGH
wha? that was mean. judgmental steroid jokes are kind of passe' in 2011 considering the drugs' ubiquity in athletics, let's not be naive here CRYME TYME vs. DECADURABOLYNE TYME also mean, get over it. it's not like usage isn't incentivized and not-exactly-subtly encouraged, and you're going to single out one guy?
JTG (w/o Shad) vs. MASON RYAN (w/ bad)
whatever, he's a human being and he's probably trying his best, he didn't ask to be called up too soon and pushed this hard. you're an asshole.
DID YOU KNOW (NXT):
JTG is Derrick Bateman's best friend by default. JTG stands for "Jimmy the Gimmick." JTG has fewer "Facebook followers" (p.s. I think they're called Friends) than the Rock.
We get a video package about how Mason Ryan Is Strong. Also, Mason Ryan Is Welsh. So does that mean they're going to like him in England, or does that mean they'll hate him because the Welsh national identity is completely antithetical to the British because of religious and soccer-based cultural divides or whatever. Who knows. Lawler: "My father is from Wales. My mother is from normal parents." Not bad, there's something there. Make it about Vickie. Ryan tosses him about with assorted strong guy shoulderblocks and strong guy clotheslines. He finishes him with a full nelson bomb. Isn't that called an Uncle Slam*? Now it's a ... Union Smack? Or a ... Welsh's Rape Jam?
* here's an extra joke that sucks which I won't include: the Mexican Patriot is Alberto Del Wilkes.
The Bellas are backstage, they rattle off a bunch of Beatles landmarks they need to visit -- John Lennon's house, Strawberry Fields, Penny Lane, the octopus' garden. Damn writers saving all their marquee hilarious skits for next week's three-hour Raw, depriving me of Santino/Beatles pun-based vignettes about Lovely Lita Meter Maid and The Ballad of John and Yokozuna. Too busy getting Mike Rotunda back from the hospital to film some stupid #occupyvkwallstreet pretape.
Anyway, what was I oh right the Bellas run into Paperback Ryder.
Zack: "Ladies, ladies, I'm teaming with Cena tonight! I'm serious, bro! And it's not gonna be like last time when I got jumped from behind and I couldn't compete--"
Brie/Nikki: "Kinda like ... now?"
Nikki/Brie: "OMG look out behind you!"
[he turns around startled!]
Brie/Nikki: "Haha, hilarious."
Zack: "This is my night. Say it with me, ladies!"
All: "Woo Woo Woo, you know it!"
That was three awesome people being awesome.
Sad to report the Michael Cole Challenge will not take place this week because Jim Ross tried to bring >3.4 oz barbecue sauce or whatever the fuck. Cole invites him to take the challenge next Monday instead. "Next week, Raw isn't going to get Rocked, it's going to get Coled." nailed it. You know what, maybe Rock will Rock Bottom Cole and get JR his job back. And then all WWE announcing will be good forever, what a relief.
Cole: "You know the WWE continues to take the social media world by storm--" Totally. The kind of storm that knocks the power out so no one can use their computers. Did you ever hear the one about how Power Uti was what happened in Canada when they lost electricity?
ALBERTO DEL RIO (w/ Ricardo) vs. KOFI KINGSTON (w/o suspendido)
Kofi should pick Kane as his new partner and become "KaBoom," am I right. If he picks A.J. they can be "Boom Period." For the next 3-7 days at least.
So ADR needs rebuilt because he lost clean to Big Show. But maybe he shouldn't have done that in the first place? Kofi has a proud history of putting over Del Rio in 2011. This match has this happened like five times already this year; whenever they blow off Del Rio's heat for some bad reason they have him blow through Kofi. Anyway he quickly throttles him, ducks Trouble, gets the cruz ... brazo ... breaker for the tap in two minutes. I have not retained my college Spanish. Let's name this move finally. I suggest the "Armhurto."
More armbreaker after the bell. Punk makes the sa-- no, well his music makes the save and he just kind of strolls on down.
Back with a Del Rio/Punk summit. Crowd gives Del Rio the "who are ya?" chant. His name is Alberto Del Rio but they already know that. ADR doesn't like how Punk forced him to give him a title shot using advanced interrogation techniques. Del Rio says Laurinaitis has given him the authority to ask Punk to cancel the match. Punk plays iconic Star Trek character Captain Smirk and tells Del Rio that because of his Money in the Bank cash-in and pipe assault (pipebomb!), his tactics were justified under basic good for the goose jurisdiction. Punk does a pretty good impression of Alberto's accent and says he's one-dimensional because all he ever talks about is his destiny, causing people to ffwd their DVRs. Aw man is this one of those "I'm going to win the belt because I have a better fake wrestling gimmick" promos ah shit it is. Leave that dumbness to Miz and Cena. Punk promises to make the WWE Championship interesting again. Del Rio wants Punk to cancel the match, Punk does not do this. Del Rio attacks, puts him in the Armhurto for coercion, but Punk reverses into the anaconda vise. Well, it was a good plan in theory.
Ricardo breaks it up and, stop me if you've heard this one, but Alberto bails and Ricardo gets left behind and beaten up. Ricardo is a modern Prometheus, doomed to be bound to a rock for a great eagle to eat his liver only for it to grow back again to be chewed out the next day. Like that but except with wrestling moves. Punk hits Ricardo with the Vaya Dos Dormir. I have retained my college Spanish.
JACK SWAGGER (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. SANTINO MARELLA
Lawler makes a cute little joke about Penn State going to State Pen, which I guess is funny because a bunch of children got sexually assaulted. I am not equivocating them in the least, but glass castles and all that, Uncle Jer. Cole blows himself up doing a pig call about JR. Santino taps in short order to the anklelock or should I say the Beakerbreaker no I should not.
Kelly Kelly is walking backstage to hey what the heck that's AJ's music and it's extraordinary.
♪♫♪ "And I know that you can hear me
I'm the leader of the pack
Gonna play you some good songs
BACK TO BACK" ♪♫♪
Kelly is out for the unveiling of her Maxim cover. "When I started here five years ago I was just a kid." A kid who literally tried to take her bra off every week. Weird. Kelz says she's definitely had her ups and downs here -- domestic abuse from Mike Knox, went to second base with Balls Mahoney, manipulated into a one night stand by Randy Orton when he was already married to a boobs robot, lost to Jillian Hall unfairly when she pulled the tights -- but she is proud to stand before us a former Divas Champion and current Maxim Covergirl. :)
Beth Phoenix and Natalya interrupted doing a subpar impression of the Bellas doing a subpar impression of LayCool 'cause two women being like "tee hee, BURN!" is apparently the only way they know how to write heel ladies (or "sheels"). They call her Barbie, talk about her boyfriend Ken (oh yeah, wasn't she dating that hockey guy, Ken Hitchcock?) and her little sister Skipper and then they keep talking about Skipper for some reason, making this the most times the name Skipper has been said on a wrestling TV show since y'all didn't know who built this house. As it turns out, Prime Time did. Prime Time did.
Beth asserts that she is "more than just a pretty face and a bucket full of perkiness," and I would, quite frankly, like to have a bucket full of perkiness. They corner K2 and threaten to make her cry but she is saved by
her young NXT ward Naomi Eve, Eve's music, and Alicia Fox. They run off the sheels and unveil the cover and it's
picture of Kelly Kelly!
She's wearing a bikini. Sitting on a car. With "tools, toys, and gadgets" between her legs. Well.
What else we got going on this month in Kelly's Maxim according to the cover.
"Best Stuff of the Year." Wow, magazines aren't even trying to dress up their pointless list issues anymore. "TOP TEN THINGS."
"Never Pay for the Gym Again." done!
"Be a Sex Santa." Pedophilia tips from ya boys at Maxim.
"We Go Panty Shopping With Shaq." Nevermind, sold.
WWE '12 is the best video game Jerry Lawler has ever seen. Bubble Bobble dethroned.
John Laurinaitis is out to introduce his latest talent acquisition. That's mah big homey! Nash comes out to the nWo music again which will always be weird. When they said they were 4 life they must've been talking about their song. Nash says when he first saw Hunter back in 1995, "I should've buried you then, Shawn Michaels sat at the monitor, this kid's got something, he's funny, and I let you into our clique." He came back at the Royal Rumble, got the biggest pop, and called HHH to ask him about getting the band back together, but got no response. "I still got it. I'm still the best there is. On any given night I could become a world champion." It's not that hard. "I booked myself in a main event match, that's exactly what I did." You certainly have a good track record at that LOL Kevin Nash ya burnt, by me, on the internet.
Do you think Nash is remorseful about beating up Triple H real bad? No he loved it. "You sat there, like a helpless little child. And I took advantage of you!" :-/ Be a sex Santa.
By far Nash's best promo since coming back, he was much more relaxed and natural unlike his prior performances as man in a play who can't remember his lines who is also on Ambien.
Brodus Clay video package. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEA. I wish I was big like Brodus Clay. Then there'd be trouble. Laurinaitis meets up with David Otunga backstage. Otunga sips the mug, natch, and asks why Brodus didn't debut tonight as announced. Laurinaitis says he's being saved for a more sophisticated American audience. They might not be able to keep their plans straight but that's better attention to detail than most of their dangling threads get. I haven't seen Raw in a year so I was hoping to tune in tonight to learn the identity of the anonymous Raw General Manager and discover the group known as Nexus' higher purpose that none of us could fathom. The Brodus Clay continuity editor is doing his job, kudos. But while I have you on the line, I think Johnny Curtis and Truth are still supposed to get a tag title shot...
CM Punk walks up. Otunga says "hey boss, remember when you brainwashed me? and then one day you just suddenly stopped talking to me and Mike?" Actually he says that the WWE champion shouldn't look like he works at a gas station. Punk asks him "what would you like sir, regular (left fist) or unleaded (right fist)." Punk is on the gas? He pops Otunga but gets jumped by Del Rio. Johnny: "Alright, don't make me take off my jacket!" Haha. Ace feigns effort in trying to break up the fight like he was me student teaching.
AWESOME TRUTH vs. WOO CAN'T SEE ME
Another Megapowers handshake. Long match, like 17 minutes. Truth takes a bump over the top rope and whiplashes his head badly, getting his hat rack cracked. Jesus. Somebody's gon get they wig split. Copious "We Want Ryder" chants and Cena works the match giving a ton of spotlight to Ryder, even setting up a a hot tag for him. Cena puts on Ryder's shades and they do stereo Broski Boots in the corners. This is surreal.
Miz ducks the Ruff Ryder, Truth nails him, and they get the heat on Zack. Say what you will about Cena -- and Wade Barrett and Miz didn't leave their feuds with him with a whole lot of luster -- but he's really gone out of his way to go to bat for Ryder. And he makes a great apron cheerleader during the heat, just like he was for Evan Bourne when he tried to help him out last year.
Cena eventually gets the tag, leading to double You Can't See Me's. Shortly thereafter, Miz all of a sudden kicked Cena in the head, covered him, and Truth held his foot, 123. Miz and Truth celebrate, Cena chuckles, and ... that's it? Well how about that. Instead of reshooting the finish three times they should've reshot the postmatch. And added more punching.
In the micro -- Zack Ryder getting a TV push has been one of the few positives on WWE TV since 7/18, and funnily enough I guess it's the one bit of change Punk wanted that he actually got. Tonight, Zack Ryder main evented Raw, he teamed with John Cena, main event heels sold big for him, and he didn't even do the job. He might, MIGHT even be a couple weeks away from winning the United States Title on pay-per-view in his hometown. It's a really cool, unexpected turn of events, and if you're not happy for him then you have no empathy and are therefore demonstrating psychopathic tendencies. In the macro -- even without the crazy finish last week, this was the night Miz and Truth needed to deliver the big heat angle on Cena. Whoops, they didn't. And they won't, 'cause Rock is on the show next week. I guess this is what happens when you let Rock's twitter followers book the angle. But finally the Rock has come back to prevent the most malevolent threat facing WWE today from illegally holding feet.
: This being a taped episode in international waters with canned commentary, an inability to obsess over Twitter in real-time, and most of their attention looking ahead to Rock's return next week, it was missing most of the deleterious elements of Raws recent, so it was far less of a soul-eroding show than it has been this fall.
Two legends will return next week, one a Wrestling Observer Hall of Famer, the other a Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame ... voter. BYE