Monday, 14 November 2011 21:15
WWE Raw Report
By: Todd Martin
Date: 11/14/11 from Boston, MA.
The Big News: Rock appeared on Raw to build Sunday’s PPV.
The show started with Michael Cole’s challenge to Jim Ross. Ross had to win three events. First, Ross beat Cole in arm wrestling immediately. Second, they had a dance contest. Ross did a goofy dance, shook his ass, and won. The final contest was who weighs less. They stepped on a scale and Cole won. So Cole started to celebrate.
CM Punk came out. He said Ross didn’t have a real shot so this was a waste of time. No kidding. Punk said Ross is a better announcer than Cole. No kidding. Punk said it’s time Cole left and the show is becoming unbearable. No kidding. He said that people want to fast forward Cole segments and it felt like Cole had been out there for six hours. Punk said as champion he will try to make the show the best it can be and he would start by getting rid of Cole.
John Laurinaitis came out and said his twitter page didn’t want to see the Cole-Ross competition broken up. Laurinaitis said he cares about his twitter followers like he cares about the WWE Universe. I projectile vomited across the living room. Laurinaitis made Big Show and CM Punk vs. Mark Henry and Alberto Del Rio. Cole wanted an apology from Punk, but Punk instead put Cole in the anaconda vise. So Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler did commentary for a few minutes. This segment seemed designed simply to weigh Jim Ross and make him dance on national TV.
A limousine pulled up and they teased the Rock had arrived. Instead, Mick Foley got out. Foley said he wouldn’t miss the Rock’s return for anything.
Cody Rhodes and Hunico beat Sin Cara and Kofi Kingston. The removal of Rhodes’ face mask is a positive. The heels worked over Cara, who made the tag to Kingston. Kingston hit a springboard crossbody on Rhodes. Kingston avoided a roll of the dice attempt but Rhodes hit it a moment later for the win. This was a good short match and I’m in favor of a Rhodes push.
Zack Ryder wanted Santino to sign his petition for a US title match. Santino signed despite being more of a Rock fan and Ryder being a Cena fan. Vickie Guerrero then announced Christian is off Team Barrett and Dolph Ziggler said he is the replacement. Michael Cole came back out with John Laurinaitis and replaced Jim Ross at the announce table.
Mason Ryan beat Dolph Ziggler via DQ. Ryan was greeted with overwhelming crowd apathy. Ryan hit a big boot and press slam. Vickie Guerrero slapped him and they called a DQ for that. That was an off the charts terrible finish. After the match, John Morrison threw Ziggler back into the ring and Ryan gave Ziggler a full nelson slam. Backstage, Mick Foley signed Zack Ryder’s petition.
Next up was a John Cena, This is Your Life segment with Mick Foley. This was playing off the famous Rock, This is Your Life segment that Vince Russo likes to claim was the highest rated segment in Raw history. Mick Foley said it’s good to be home. He tried to put over the Cena/Rock team and was booed. He called Cena a great performer and was booed. He introduced Cena as his friend and they were both booed.
Cena said he didn’t pick Rock as his partner because they are friends. Foley responded he isn’t really friends with Cena either, but they have mutual respect. They put over each other. Foley said he wanted to bring Rock and Cena together so he had a music video on Cena’s life. He brought out Cena’s little league coach, who talked about Cena’s striking out and crying.
Next out was B Squared, Bull Buchanan. Buchanan said he got fired, divorced, lost all his money, and his dog gave him rabies. That was meant as comedy. He said Cena ruined his life and stormed off. Finally, John Cena’s dad came out and insulted the fans for booing his son. Cena cut his dad off and told him to leave. Cena said this segment was a catastrophe and started to leave. But Foley wanted to continue on with five more people so a jacked up Rock came out, gave Foley the rock bottom, and left. This was supposed to be car crash comedy but it was mostly just boring and awkward.
Sheamus beat Jack Swagger. Swagger had the advantage early. Sheamus made his comeback with ax handles but Swagger escaped the razor’s edge. Swagger hit a Vader bomb and applied the ankle lock. Sheamus escaped and hit a back breaker and the Brogue kick for the win.
The Bellas were going to sign Ryder’s petition for a US title shot but Alberto Del Rio showed up and they ditched Ryder for Del Rio. Del Rio invited the Bellas to party with him in New York after he beats Punk but Ryder suggested the Bellas go with him to Long Island instead. They were annoyed and left.
Kelly Kelly beat Natalya. Kelly gave Natalya the stinkface. Natalya went for the sharpshooter but was reversed into an inside cradle for the pin. This was another of those 30 second waste of time women’s matches.
John Laurinaitis was on the phone with Brodus Clay. He said they’d delay his return to Raw until next week. I wonder if Clay will ever show up. Alberto Del Rio came in. Laurinaitis said Punk has been showing Del Rio up and Punk can cause more trouble if he is champion. Del Rio said Punk might not make it to Survivor Series. He said he will be champion a long time, longer than Laurinaitis is GM. R. Truth and Miz refused to speak backstage.
Alberto Del Rio and Mark Henry beat CM Punk and Big Show. Del Rio attacked Punk from behind as he was coming to the ring, but Punk still wrestled the match. They went after Punk for a while. Punk made a comeback with a swinging neck breaker on Del Rio and high kick on Henry. He went for a springboard on Del Rio but Henry caught him with the world’s strongest slam. Show went after henry but collided with the post outside the ring. Del Rio covered Punk for the win. He then put Punk in the armbar after the match. Man, they have done a great job booking Punk for a title shot.
Santino came out and brought up finishing second in the Royal Rumble in Boston. He vowed to be champion next time WWE comes to Boston. Good luck with that. Kevin Nash came out. Santino was concerned and didn’t want to fight. Nash said he is a fan of Santino and wanted Santino to do the trombone. Santino did but then was greeted with a big boot. Nash brought up his Rumble pop yet again. He said HHH didn’t have the sense to bring him back and now Nash is on Raw and HHH isn’t. He gave Santino the power bomb.
Randy Orton beat Wade Barrett via DQ. Barrett and Orton had their Survivor Series teams with them. Barrett before the match said he has conquered Sheamus and Orton and would beat Orton again. They wrestled for a little while and then Cody Rhodes just ran in for the DQ. This was another terrible finish. The two sides brawled and the faces cleared the ring.
Rock came out for the final segment. He said that he loves Mick Foley but couldn’t stand any more of that garbage. He spent five minutes trying to get a term to trend on twitter. Is there any positive that comes from this stuff? It seems so masturbatory. Rock said he would deliver an ass whooping to Truth and Miz on Raw rather than waiting for Sunday.
Truth and Miz came out. Truth said they’re not getting an ass whooping. Miz said Rock will get beat Sunday. Cena told jokes about Rock never showing up. Rock told jokes about Cena having no fans who have gone through puberty. They again brought up twitter trending. Cena threatened Rock if Rock isn’t in it for the team. Miz said Cena and Rock were making Miz and Truth an afterthought, but the last time that happened Miz won the main event at WrestleMania. Rock and Cena ended up quickly beating up Miz and Truth. Rock gave Truth the rock bottom. Cena went for the FU on Miz but Rock pulled Miz off and gave Miz the rock bottom.
I’m sleepy and going to bed.