Monday, 09 January 2012 21:33
WWE Raw Report
By: Todd Martin
Date: 01/09/11 from Corpus Christi, TX.
The Big News: Brodus Clay finally arrived.
Kane started out the show. He said that he notices people questioning why he embraces hate. Kane said people are in denial. They hate their families and their jobs but they don’t embrace that hate. John Cena is successful and represents the things people aspire to achieve but cannot. Thus, when the crowd says Cena sucks, they are saying that they suck. Kane said that cheering for an underdog like Zack Ryder doesn’t make you a good person and he was close to dragging Ryder to Hell. Cena stopped that but just delayed the inevitable. Cena ran out and fought with Kane. They fought outside until Kane randomly left.
Sheamus and Santino beat Jinder Mahal and Wade Barrett. The heels worked over Santino, who got the tag to Sheamus. Sheamus came in with clotheslines, a powerslam and a Brogue kick on Mahal. He then tagged Santino back in and Santino hit the cobra for the pin.
Backstage, Miz complained about R. Truth to John Laurinaitis. Laurinaitis said Miz brought the trouble upon himself. Laurinaitis added that he had a lot on his plate including the debut of Brodus Clay. He concluded that he’s not the problem. He’s not little Jimmy, but big Johnny. They then announced Edge for the Hall of Fame. Obviously he is deserving and the timing is right. Elsewhere backstage, Miz unsuccessfully tried to recruit Mason Ryan to help him.
Zack Ryder was talking with his dad on the phone. Ryder said he is scared of Kane. Then Eve Torres walked in and Ryder pretended to be tough and said he would take out Kane. Ryder suggested Eve go out with him. Eve hesitated forever and then said okay reluctantly, after her match with Beth Phoenix was over. After Ryder left, Kane appeared from behind a door.
Daniel Bryan beat Kofi Kingston. Unfortunately they didn’t give them any time and Bryan just won quickly with the LeBell lock. Bryan did another over-the-top celebration after the match. Big Show came out. Bryan told Show that he hated the way their match ended. Bryan labeled himself a fighting champion and offered Show a title shot any time. Show said Teddy Long already signed a no count out, no disqualification title match for Friday. Bryan acted nervous but shook hands with Show.
Brodus Clay beat Curt Hawkins. Clay was billed as the Funkosaurus from Planet Funk. He had two women with him and they were dressed like Flash Funk and the Funkettes. They came to the ring dancing. This was pretty much a recreation of the Flash Funk gimmick only with music singing “somebody call my Momma” like Ernest Miller. It was played for total comedy and Cole was going nuts with the fake laughter. Clay hit a head butt, over the head throw, corner avalanche and flying crossbody for the pin. The crowd didn’t know what to make of this. It seemed designed to be intentionally bad for comedy but Clay actually made the most of it.
Backstage, Zack Ryder was celebrating going out with Eve. He was brushing his teeth in the bathroom. Kane appeared in the mirror behind him but was no longer there when Ryder turned around. This was reminiscent of that ridiculous Hogan/Warrior angle in 1998 WCW. Elsewhere, Miz tried to get Epico and Primo to help him unsuccessfully.
CM Punk beat Jack Swagger. John Laurinaitis prior to the match said that if Punk won, Swagger and Vickie Guerrero would be banned from ringside at the Royal Rumble. He added that Dolph Ziggler would wrestle John Cena later on Raw. Swagger went after the leg. Punk avoided the ankle lock. Laurinaitis stopped Ziggler from interfering. Punk hit a tope, swinging neck breaker and knee, but had a bulldog attempt countered. Swagger hit a Vader bomb and countered a springboard clothesline into a powerslam. Swagger avoided the GTS and hit a belly to belly throw for two.
Punk then hit a top rope elbow. Swagger clearly kicked out but the referee counted three. Punk couldn’t hide his irritation at this despite winning. The match was really clicking and was shaping up to be a tremendous match before the referee completely blew the finish. Assuming this wasn’t some bizarre angle, this was as terrible a job I’ve ever seen a wrestling referee do on a national stage.
Zack Ryder thanked John Cena backstage. Elsewhere, the Bellas were bickering. Ricardo Rodriguez showed up and wanted to know why they had him fly all the way out to the show. They said they had a message for Del Rio. He asked why he needed to fly all the way out for that. Dude, you’re the one that hopped on a plane without figuring that out. Miz interrupted and told Rodriguez to go to the ring and call out Truth. Rodriguez didn’t want to but Miz threatened him with violence. They then announced additional inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame: the Horsemen (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, Barry Windham and J.J. Dillon). It will be interesting to see whether TNA lets Flair go.
Ricardo Rodriguez came to the ring and lobbed half-hearted insults at Truth for comedy. Truth came out and said he didn’t know why Rodriguez was picking a fighting with him. He was going to let Rodriguez go but the crowd didn’t want him to. So Truth had Rodriguez sing la cucaracha. They already did that, but there’s apparently something timeless in the humor of Mexican-Americans singing la cucaracha.
Rodriguez really got into it and almost managed to save what had been a dreadful segment. The crowd even applauded Rodriguez. Truth was pleased and wanted him to do it again but Rodriguez knocked the microphone from his hand so Truth gave him the downward spiral. Miz attacked Truth from behind but Truth beat him up yet again and Miz ran away through the crowd.
Chris Jericho came out again. He got a big introduction with the old thing about beating Rock and Austin the same night. He basically did the same thing as last week. He had the jacket and pandered to the crowd forever. This time when he took the microphone, he teased that he was going to cry. Then he did actually break down into tears. He eventually put down the microphone without saying anything and instead left crying. This time, the crowd just kept cheering the entire time. Either at this point the WWE has cultivated an audience too stupid to grasp the simplest of psychology or these people really, really don’t want to boo Jericho. Either way, I really enjoyed Jericho again.
Eve Torres came out to wrestle but instead Kane’s music hit. Zack Ryder came out to grab Eve and they went to leave. However, in the parking lot their car had a flat tire. So Ryder went to work on changing the tire.
Dolph Ziggler and John Cena wrestled. Ziggler did a headstand while applying a chinlock, which was amusing. As the match was going on, they showed Kane attacking Ryder in the parking lot on the screen. Kane choke slammed Ryder down a couple feet. Cena, not caring about winning the match, simply left. They showed Vickie Guerrero encouraging Ziggler to get back into the ring so he would win by count out, but they never even bothered to show if he did get back in, because who could possibly care about something like match results? John Cena arrived in the parking lot and Kane suffocated him to end the show.
This was another of those terrible WWE shows where they beat you over the head with the idea that absolutely everything is a joke that you can’t possibly take seriously or invest in on any level other than laughing at it. WWE is slowly but surely morphing into Hustle. Generalissimo Takada and Kane vs. Funkosaurus and Razor Ramon HG would fit in perfectly.