Thumbs WAY down
Best match-X-division opener
Worst match-Tie: RVD vs Crimson/ Mickie James vs Winter
For the last several years, i've told other wrestling fans that despite their maddening inconsistency, which often dovetails into pure idiocy, TNA as a whole is still better for you than WWE. Yes, the upper and middle management, as well as the creative department, make monumentally idiotic decisions seemingly on a daily basis. But isn't that preferable to a barely competent writing team that service a boss like Mr. McMahon, who hasn't hid the fact that he loathes wrestling fans over the age of 9 for years?
I mean, when you only have 2 choices as far as who to befriend-the well-meaning doof who can't walk and chew gum simultaneously, or the slick, popular guy who shoves the other type into lockers strictly for guffaws-who do you choose? TNA or WWE? Eugene or Kevin Sullivan? The hillbilly or the ambulance chaser with the Armani suit?
I've always sided with the mentally deficient; just like that Autistic kid who hit all those 3 pointers a couple of years ago, sometimes TNA will reward your immense patience. Kurt Angle is signed. Don West is replaced by Taz. Nearly 2 years after Hulk Hogan's arrival, we still haven't had to utter the words "TNA World Champion Brutus Beefcake". Of course the trash outweighs the treasure, by a margin so wide it can only be derived through college level calculus. But at least they don't hate my guts. It's true! Unlike the larger company's tyrannical chief, TNA doesn't care if I come to their live shows or not.
You see, TNA isn't in the wrestling business to make a profit...no, they're in it only to provide Panda Energy with an elaborate tax shelter. And though that may not be charity in the usual sense of the word, at least somebody in the organization is thinking of something. Because there's certainly no other proof of brain wave movement round these parts.
The company 'where wrestling matters' have officially hit a new PPV low with the broadcast of Hardcore Justice '11. I was prepared for my usual unrelenting anger toward that laziest of scribes, Vince Russo. I was also ready for the 6 or 7 matches whose overbooked finishes and seemingly vital storyline adjustments would be ignored, forgotten, or deleted, so as not to make the pencil have to try to create a vaguely realistic or sympathetic character/situation. I was also ready for my reward-those roughly 2 matches per PPV that almost alleviate the guilt over handing over genuine currency to view this dreck.
But something happened on the way to, and out of, the Impact Zone...somebody forgot to bring our insulin (code for salvageable match).
1)Brian Kendrick vs Alex Shelly vs Austin Aries: X Division championship (**3/4) My buddy and I were both pleased to see an upbeat, smooth opening few minutes to the telecast-little did we know how those adjectives would come back to haunt us. Sure, there were a couple of missed spots in this match, but the guys were performing with vigor and confidence, so no big whoop. In fact, it's about over, and they've been great about covering up those small gaff...WHOOPS! Huge, 3-way pile up near the turnbuckle area. The seconds it takes everyone to unwind from one another begin to feel like minutes...'Nam-like flashback to Swagger and his silly suitcase...ok, it's over..whew. Yikes! Mistakes happen, but that mighty whiff took the match grade from 'recommended' to 'recommended once edited'.
2)Miss Assmacher/Tara vs. Sarita/Rosita: Knockout tag team championship (*3/4) Even though i've seen the last several episodes of Impact, I couldn't have guessed the TNA Knockout tag champs. But now i remember-it's the one that's been there forever, with the smokin' little Latina, natch! No? Whatever. I can't help but notice Tara's almost evil grin when she realized the lil former Divina Fly, Rosita, was all alone, just BEGGING to be tossed around. Well, can't really blame T-how often does anyone but Kharma Kong get to break out the power moves? Tara's partner, Miss Tessmacher, is someone whose abilities i can't adequately describe.
The reason being i'm unable to shift my eyeballs to any part of the TV but her otherworldy, goddess-like tush. I can tell you she's most likely Caucasian, still in her 20's...mobile...that's all. The champs retain!
3)Pope vs Brother D-Von Du...duh doo doo doo, duh da da da...sorry, have that old Police song stuck in my noggin. (1/2*) I will always have a special fondness for D-Vo...er, Brother Devon...? The darker toned half of the duo currently known as Team 3-D. But goodwill only goes so far, and barely 3 bouts into this show, my mood seems to be darkening as well.
4)Mickie James vs Winter (w/ A. Love): TNA Knockouts title (1/4*) What?? There seems to be a mistake on my PPV, Mr. satellite provider...somewhere, there must be an agreed upon wrestling guidebook that states clearly 'Thou shalt never present more than one chick match per pay per view'. But it's happening anyway...clearly the gods were angered. They took one of the better all around performers in womens wrestling over the last decade in Mickie, and an adept exotic Brit respected across the pond, and they made sure that no chemistry existed between the two.
Since this PPV began roughly 6 and a half hours ago, i've become sleepy, agitated, irritable. Fortunately, it must be over within minutes. Let's see, how many matches left.....5? FIVE??? Someone's gonna pay for this, other than me, i mean.
5)Rob Van Dam vs Crimson (no stars) I will always be a fan of Rob Van Dam. One of the most slyly underrated heels of the 90's, Van Dam combined a legitimate lethal weapon background with an original thinking process, all backed up by an arrogant charm that the ladies dug and the guys thought was cool. Flash forward a decade, and now, as the poor guy attempts to carry ballyhooed rookie Crimson to a passable performance, RVD's reminded that Crimson appearing decent isn't enough...No, management clearly expects the lithe youngster to be nothing less than a combination of Goldberg and Brock Lesnar.
And those same managers, etc, aren't gonna listen to any of those "Well, those guys were aided along by being booked properly as to showcase their strong traits and hide their weaknesses; also, unlike our Mr Crimson, the other two were put into exciting and intriguing scenarios by bookers and creative types who understood the business of pro wrestling, and knew they were employed to make the wrestlers and the company look good, as opposed to getting themselves over/designing new and interesting ways to blame others for corrupting their 'artistic vision'.
I could actually pinpoint the moment, around 45 seconds in, when Van Dam says 'Fuck it'. He proceeds to somehow magically force his body to perform in slow motion technology! This is when i started playing the little balloon game that comes with my cell phone.
6)AJ/Daniels/Kaz vs Poppa Pump/Abyss/Gunnar (*1/2) These TNA fans in Orlando are unlike any others i've encountered. How is it that a few of them have managed to muster up enthusiasm after what we've sat through?? They might be robots...or relatives. Either way, for the first time in 15 years, i actually miss the 'BORING!'and 'YOU FUCKED UP!' jerkys who chanted despite the encouragement of exactly nobody. Look ,i'm sorry i wrote so many bad things about you guys...please, come back! This card needs your honesty.
7)Mr. Anderson vs Bully Ray (*1/4) You guys should've heard Anderson's promo earlier...he said asshole..and shit...and then cupped his hands to his mouth and made loud, long farting noises!! You see, this is that cutting edge mic style that so appealed to Vince Mcmahon, and now undoubtedly makes Vince Russo send milk shooting out of his hairy nostrils. Especially since it was his idea!!
Man, that Russo-fart jokes and pre-approved profanity is a laugh riot, sure. But then you add in that powerful dialogue he writes for the ladies that rings so true..."Ho!" "Skank!" "Who are you calling a skank, ho??" "You, you skanky ho!!". For V-RUSS, it's always the year 1999. Thankfully our author no longer deals in offensive verbiage due to his conversion to christianity, which of course absolves him of any and all previous mistakes/errors/felonies, as well as protects him from unwelcome questioning, like "Where do you see the Angle character come Bound for Glory?", and his least favorite but most asked query, "What the hell does this mean?"
8)Beer Money vs Hernandez/Anarquia: TNA tag team titles (*) I'm sorry, you don't really expect a match analysis at this juncture, right? You're lucky i'm not in a self-induced coma. But i am very near. I only occasionally glance at the screen during this match, yet i still feel safe in proclaiming...It sucked! I do think Hernandez has potential as a mini-monster-but the character needed in his partner in order to get the team over (charisma, mic ability)isn't provided by Anarquia. They're like America's Most Wanted, just stripped of any and every trait that made them interesting in any shape or form to the public.
9)Sting vs. Kurt Angle: TNA World Championship (*3/4) Sting looks really good when he's just standing still, looking at his opponent or into the cameras, insanely, of course. But when it's time to get physical....Bad things, man, bad things. Hogan shows up for some reason. He acts like he's gonna hit Sting with a chair, but Angle takes the chair away. Angle then proceeds to hit Sting with the chair, and scores the pinfall. NEW champion: Kurt Angle!
Was that an Angle heel turn? A Hogan face turn? Judging by the open mouthed, blank looks the two give each other until the credits mercifully roll, those questions have yet to be answered...or even discussed, probably...but pay it no mind, we all know the entire thing will be 'forgotten' by next week's Impact.
That was, without a shadow of a doubt, not just the worst TNA PPV i've seen, but the most godawful PPV iv'e sat through personally since Wrestlemania IV. And it was far worse than any insulting McMahon crap-it was....barely even there.
Best match: A.J. Styles & Kazarian & Christopher Daniels vs. Abyss &
Gunner & Scott Steiner (***)
This was the first TNA PPV I watched live since 2008, and that show made
me remember why I don't watch their PPVs anymore.
I don't know what it is (besides the stupid fucking storylines and
finishes) that doesn't keep me interested in a TNA PPV, if I watch a WWE
show, I don't get the 'best wrestling in the world' but they still
manage to keep me interested in most things they do and most
importantly, they keep me kinda awake during their shows. Where I live
it's 2 o'clock at night when PPVs start, and I really had a hard time
staying awake during this show. Going into the show I really was only
interested in the Angle/Sting and X-Division title match. They didn't
really disappoint me but it wasn't as good as I expected. Don't get me
wrong, I'm not one of the guys that trashes everything about TNA, but it
seems to me that, everytime a star from another company gets to TNA they
don't really give a fuck about their in-ring work. Grat example for this
is RVD in my mind, if you watch his WWE matches, they are all decent,
but his TNA stuff is just brutal at times, he botches alot and seems
kinda sloppy all the time. Same with Austin Aries, Alex Shelley and
Brian Kendrick are both great opponents, it's not like he faced Rob
Terry and Murphy. In comparison to his indy stuff, this wasn't that
great. The rest of the card was very bad to kinda decent, won't go into
detail because I already wasted so much space for a TNA rant.
Angle/Sting was pretty good (***), but the finish just blew my mind,
haven't they done like the EXACT same thing with Jeff Hardy a couple of
months ago? The Jerry Lynn finish was stupid as well by the way, but I
guess I don't need to tell you that. I guess I won't order the next
couple of PPVs, unless they give me a really good reason.
I haven't sent feedback in years, but I have a feeling you'll be needing some for this show
Best Match: Sting vs. Kurt Angle
Worst Match: Mickie James vs. Winter
Why would anyone buy one of these shows? There are no intriguing storylines, no good wrestling and nothing matters. I would rather pay for a 3 hour episode of WWE Superstars. Without the benefit of editing that Impact gets each week, these PPVs show how little momentum this company really has. No wonder their own roster is so down about the future.
|Dave and Bryan,
The last time I watched a TNA PPV was way back in 2005 when Tito Ortiz was playing the role of a guest referee. I gave it another chance in 2011 by ordering TNA Hardcore Justice and watching with my friends tonight. At least I split the PPV bill with my friends. I'm never watching another TNA PPV ever again.
Even Barnyard MMA shows are better than this.
Hardcore Justice thoughts:
Overall: Thumbs Way Down
Best match: Immortal vs. Fortune
Worst match: Everything else but I suppose I'd pick Devon vs. The Pope
In my opinion this was the worst PPV in my 25 years of watching wrestling. Worse than WCW Sin or WWECW December to Dismember.
The opener was void of psychology until the last 60 seconds. Aries is great, but the match was rather boring for an X-Division match. Just didn't really click for me, despite some good hands involved.
Sarita/Rosita vs. Tara/Tessmacher went WAY too long. Super boring. Tara worked hard, but this had no reason to be on PPV. Its crazy to me that with all the talent on the roster, they put this on PPV.
Devon vs. The Pope is a boring angle that no one cares about. The match was just two guys going through the motions for 5:00, just boring. The crowd didn't care and neither did I.
RVD vs. Crimson was horrible. The match sucked and the finish sucked. God bless Jerry Lynn, but really does anyone want to see RVD vs. Jerry Lynn for the 493,483,920,329,483 time? It was good 15 years ago but now it just is another example of TNA not having a clue about what fans today want. RVD obviously just doesn't care anymore.
Mickie vs. Winter was pretty damn boring, I had semi high hopes for this one, but by now it woulda took War Games to wake me up.
Fortune worked hard, AJ always is fun to watch but this was just the best match by default. Best of the worst you could say. Statue Steiner is just unbearable to watch. A parapalegic has more mobility than Steiner. Really how many guys do TNA want to feature that simply can't go and are just collecting a paycheck? This company is the drizzling shits.
Beer Money vs. Hernandez/Big Chavo was again, boring. Real shame Beer Money didn't come along 20 years earlier. Great tag team, but they have no one to work with. They need to get to WWE even if its working singles and out of this cesspool.
I'd rather watch paint dry than Mr. Anderson. His promos are boring, his matches are worse and this was no different. The "asshole" thing is just so stupid and low rent. The finish was Russo-rific, Bully Ray wins with a LOW BLOW. TNA is soooo stuck in 1997. As for the main event, the bulk of the match was good, Angle always works his ass off on PPV, I just cannot believe the decision makers who killed a company already with bullshit finishes continues to do bullshit main-event finishes on PPV. I guess it really doesn't matter since only 6,000 people on average pay for this shit. Ref bump, chair shot, swerve for no good reason...GOD I HATE YOU TNA.
Fun fact I read on Twitter, combined age of the main event participants: 94 years. Combined age of the 3 guys in the opening match: 93. Says it all. Hopefully Dixie's daddy pulls the plug soon so the talented workers can go somewhere else whether it be WWE, ROH, Jeff Katz's Wrestling Revolution project, Japan, or whatever. This company is the drizzling shits, I'd rather watch a Herb Abrams UWF marathon.
|Thumbs in the middle
Best: Immortal vs Fortune
Worst: Devon vs Pope Dinero
(barely edging out the 2 knockouts matches which both went way too long.) Have to leave a comment my friend made during this match. He said it was like a bad Tough Enough match. Bill Demott would be going crazy. They couldn't do an arm drag. They couldn't come off the ropes right. Sad for such veteran talent.
Boy they have to get out of Orlando. Such a dead crowd really hurt the matches.
Was there something in the air there tonight. Seemed like a lot of missed moves in most of the matches.