Recap by Ryan Pike (@RyanNPike) for the Wrestling Observer
Nattie and Nikki wander into a lingerie store in whatever city they're in. Nikki's looking for something for her boyfriend, John Cena, and asks if Nattie wants to find something for her previously unmentioned boyfriend TJ. Unlike the other previously unmentioned boyfriends on this show, he's a WWE superstar (Tyson Kidd). Nattie complains that since TJ had his knee injury, their sex life has gone down the tubes. Nikki decides to find something for Nattie to bring home to her man. Mission accomplished.
They're in Kansas City this week for RAW. Backstage, Ariane admires Nikki's fake boobs, which Nikki claims are “worth every penny.” Nikki mentions to Brie that she doesn't understand why she hasn't gotten some fake boobs, to which Brie glares and says that she's fine. In a talking head, Ariane discusses her boob size, wishing she had bigger ones. Trinity explains that she thinks Ariane's boobs are great. The four girls – the Bellas and the Funkadactyls – go to an autograph signing. During the signing, Ariane and Trinity continue discussing Nikki's boobs. Sitting next to each other, Nikki and Ariane get super passive-aggressive, although Nikki had a tremendous line, pointing to her chest and proclaiming that “the champs are right here.” Trinity notes to Ariane that all the little girls they meet think she's perfect. Ariane decides to make an appointment for a consultation.
Elsewhere in Kansas City, Bryan Danielson and Brie Bella are looking for something to eat. Brie wants to look her best for the SummerSlam photo shoot. Brie ponders about losing three pounds with a cleanse, while Bryan says he doesn't think she needs to lose any weight. Over in Tampa, Nattie brings her lingerie home to TJ. Nattie explains that they've known each other for years. TJ is watching wrestling. Nattie notes that she's been taking care of TJ during his recuperation, but is concerned some fire has gone out of their long (long)-term relationship. She emerges from a side room in her lingerie, but he barely bats an eye. Nattie wonders if she needs to dress up like Daniel Bryan for her man to notice her. I hope not. Nikki has breakfast with Eva Marie and JoJo, noting she feels she needs to keep an eye on the new girls – both to take care of them and to keep an eye on her competition. They discuss breasts and Instagram. Someone on Instagram called Nikki "the fat twin," which makes her sad.
In San Diego, Bryan, Nikki and Brie have dinner. Bryan mentions that Nikki has dessert everyday. They make a big show of Nikki eating a weird sundae, and Brie gets in a dig about Nikki recently getting her own set of “twins” in a voice-over. Brie challenges Nikki to do a cleanse with her for 20 days, which includes no dessert and no alcohol. (“Does wine count as alcohol?”) Over in LA, Jon (Uso) and Trinity meet Ariane, who is carrying a small dog and dressed like she's heading to the club. Trinity says she wants to bring Jon along for a male opinion, hoping to talk her out of her plan. Ariane and Trinity leave Jon in the waiting room and go meet a woman who had implants put in awhile ago so they can see how they look. The woman just whips her boobs out for the girls to inspect, prompting Trinity to retrieve Jon from the waiting room so he can see them too. He immediately blushes and covers his face with his hands and the girls all giggle. Everyone takes turns grabbing the woman's fake boobs. This is the strangest thing I've ever seen on TV, but to be fair, I rarely watch E! Maybe this happens on here all the time. Jon returns to the waiting room, not knowing what to make of things. A doctor comes in with breast implants for Ariane to try out. She dances around with her implants down her top. The doctor says it would probably be about a month, maybe two, before Ariane can get back into the ring after getting implants.
Elsewhere, the Bellas get lunch at a juice bar. Brie says tough love is the best way to get Nikki in shape for the SummerSlam shoot. Brie loves her drink, while Nikki says it's like drinking someone's garden. Over in Tampa, TJ and Nattie go to lunch. Nattie mentions planning their wedding. TJ and Nattie debate what constitutes a small wedding, with Nattie noting she has 36 cousins and a wedding of 150 people. TJ asks if at this point, it's just a piece of paper. Nattie complains in a talking head that TJ doesn't care about their wedding. The Bellas drive around and discuss their cleanse. Nikki complains that she's grumpy and hungry. Trinity and Jon hang out by the pool when Ariane shows up with her fake boobs and walks around in a bikini. Ariane says she's committing to her “test drive” with her fake boobs. Ariane jumps into the pool and loses one of her implants. The girls laugh, as they learn that implants float.
Nikki and Brie hang out at Nikki's apartment, again discussing their cleanse. Brie notes that Nikki is quiet and figures she's up to something, finding an empty wine bottle in the trash. Brie's mad at Nikki and the girls bicker. Nikki says she's not fat, while Brie's frustrated that her sister flaked out on their cleanse. Back in LA, Vincent returns, waiting to see Ariane's new look. He's excited and asks if he can name them. He's like a kid at Christmas, naming the left implant Janice. Later, the Bellas arrive at the beach for the SummerSlam photo shoot. The girls bicker some more and Nikki walks off angrily.
In an odd bit of editing, we get a tease for a scene to come after the commercial break...and then cut immediately to that scene, with no actual commercial break. Anyway, the Bellas discuss how Brie's criticisms make Nikki feel. Brie apologizes, saying she was probably projecting her insecurities. The girls make up and pledge to rock the shoot. Then we get a nice video montage of them rocking said shoot. Brie says she's fine if the Bella twins don't look identical, as they're not clones – they're twins. Back in Tampa, TJ says he has a surprise for Nattie and they go for a car ride. Nattie's excited. They arrive at the courthouse, saying they can get the marriage done right then. She gets mad at him and says he's not romantic, saying he pays more attention to the cats than he does to her. She says she's not even getting married to him. After a commercial break, the couple continues to bicker.
Meanwhile, it's time for RAW at an unidentified city. Ariane continues goofing around with her implants, even showing them off to Sandra the seamstress and asking her to sew them into her outfit. Trinity is worried that this will make the two of them look silly. Despite the exterior shot of the arena being from Raleigh's PNC Arena, the girls are talking outside the Calgary Flames locker room entrance. Sandra encourages Ariane to get fake boobs. Later on, Ariane grabs her gear with the fake boobs sewn in and shows them off for the Bellas, JoJo and Eva Marie. Nikki thinks Ariane wants fake boobs so she can become a fan favourite. Aren't the Funkadacyls babyfaces anyway? Anyway, RAW kicks off and Ariane comes back into the locker room to discover one of her implants is gone from her gear. Trinity laughs and notes that the whole situation is funny. A producer summons the girls for the next segment. Ariane panicks. I bet that dastardly Nikki Bella stole her implant.
In the ring, the previous match ends – Dean Ambrose pins Daniel Bryan in a match that didn't take place in Calgary, so who knows when things were taped – and Ariane shoves paper towels into her gear to pad out her chest. The Funkadactyls come out with Tons of Funk as the Bellas watch their match from a monitor backstage. John Cena wanders up to say hello, and the girls inform John that Nikki did steal Ariane's implant. John says that wasn't nice and wanders off for his RAW segment. In the ring, Tensai and Brodus beat 3MB and after the match, the Bellas reveal that they took the implant and everyone laughs. In the locker room, the girls discuss implants and the Bellas' prank, and Ariane decides not to get implants after all.
Back in Tampa, we close things out with TJ actually being romantic for once, with rose petals and candles for Nattie. TJ says Nattie needs to tell him things when she's upset, and she apologizes. Nattie suggests a beach wedding. They toast to more romance and TJ suggests she try on the lingerie again.
FINAL THOUGHTS: After four weeks, Total Divas seems to have settled into a formula. Nikki and Brie will fight over something petty, then make up. Ariane causes trouble for Trinity with her antics. John Cena and Bryan Danielson will be the voices of reason. JoJo will make faces while Eva Marie does something underhanded. At the end of the episode, everyone will laugh and things will go back to normal, more or less.
The formula works, but this episode emphasized the Bellas and the Funkadactyls, with very little Cena, Danielson, Eva Marie and JoJo, to the show's detriment. While Nattie and TJ's story wasn't bad, this was the third “relationship on the rocks” story we've seen in the last two weeks. And for a show that was roughly half about breasts, it sure did drag on and on.