By Jim Valley
STAMFORD - WWE and President Barack Obama are proud to announce the end of the government shutdown.
"We have found a compromise on the GOP opposition to ObamaCare," said the president. "It turns out we don't need health care any more."
"Instead of mandating the Affordable Care Act," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, "all Americans will now be immunized with the DNA of WWE Superstar John Cena."
Cena, the cornerstone of WWE programming, has uncanny healing powers. Americans immunized with C-DNA will now be incredibly healthy, driven, and all natural. People can expect to recover from torn muscles in weeks and mangled elbows in days. Everyone will be so healthy we will no longer need insurance coverage.
"With that out of the way, the U.S. government can go back to work," said Boehner.
Part owner of the WWE Stephanie McMahon showed up uninvited and said, "The only thing more powerful than Cena DNA is McMahon DNA, which can cure cancer. But we will not be giving that up to the US government, which persecuted my family in the early 90's worse than The Holocaust, 9/11, and the Battleground PPV combined."
John Cena's power has been tested. His C-DNA has made noted genius Stephen Hawking walk and talk. "I have a new lease on life. Forget black holes. I want to explore other holes. I mean video games. I want to play video games just like the wrestlers...er...WWE Superstars."
There is still no cure for jorts.
Editor's note: This is a spoof. So please don't use this as serious news and send to other web sites.