WWE Raw TV Report/Results: Shield, Evolution, Daniel Bryan, and more

By Rob McCarron | May 5, 2014 - Albany, NY

Noteworthy: Sheamus won the US Championship. Bad News Barrett retained the IC Championship. Daniel Bryan is dumb. Evolution attacks conveniently. Adam Rose is doomed.

Dean Ambrose Defends the US Championship

…in a 20 man Battle Royal of Doom! Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins cheered on at ringside while Dean Ambrose was put up to a seemingly impossible task - Defending the US title in a battle royal against 19 other Superstars. It was billed as retribution from the Authority towards Dean Ambrose. The match including all the usual geeks, plus Big Show, Sheamus, Mark Henry, and The Ryback. The final three were Dean, Jack Swagger, and Sheamus. Sheamus won by throwing Dean over the ropes, as Roman and Seth just watched on without, you know, running in and killing dudes. Seemingly, with Sheamus as US Champion, the belt will probably have some importance for the next few months. Taking it off Dean here is a continuation of the Shield vs Evolution angle, which is fine. The angle means more than that title, anyway.

Immediately after the match, Sheamus practically ran up the ramp and backstage. HHH’s music hit, and the man came out alone to battle the Shield with his words. He called the Shield extremely lucky, then announced The Shield vs The Wyatt Family as tonight’s main event.

The mention of the Wyatts led to an obvious segue into a promo for later, as Bray Wyatt’s crusade continues.

Big E vs Bad News Barrett: The Rematch takes place tonight!

Backstage, Sheamus that tonight was the perfect time for the Celtic Warrior to step back into glory. He had no pity for Dean’s bad luck. JBL compared the battle royal to the Kentucky Derby, and how champions beat all challengers no matter how many.

Backstage, Stephanie told Daniel Bryan that Kane has been angered. Oh, boy. Stephanie basically told Daniel Bryan to hide from Kane. Brie pointed out a Kane mask bolted to the door of the locker room. Oh, boy.

RVD vs Cesaro

FIVE COUNT FINISH!! Cesaro was beating up RVD, who was tied up in the corner upside down, mercilessly until referee Chad Patton called for the bell at the count of five. He kept pounding on RVD until Paul Heyman had to pull Cesaro away before he warranted a suspension. Cesaro was booed as Paul Heyman held up his arm.

Desperation time as WWE has a new WWE Network referral promotion. WWE Network… Just like Netflix, but better! Sue these guys, already.

Bray Wyatt Becomes Somebody

Back from break, Bray Wyatt was rocking in his chair in the middle of the ring. Abigail told him he was born to lead, and how all his life others had told him that he was nobody. Well, last night, Bray became somebody. According to Bray, anyway. He then cut to a video of the creepy voiced kid who froze Cena in fear. Bray spoke a lot more words until singing, which the crowd joined in on. Lawler told the kids not to drink the kool-aid.

The Ryback (w/ Curtis Axel) defeated Cody Rhodes (w/ Goldust) with Shellshock. Cody had set himself up on the top rope, when Axel pushed Goldust into the post which dislodged Cody’s footing, leading to the finish.

Backstage, Daniel Bryan, apparently listening to Stephanie’s advice, was hiding in a locker room with Brie. The lights went out, so Brie and Daniel left. In the hallway, they ran into Stephanie again. Steph volunteered to have Bryan’s car brought up so they can bail before getting murdered by the demon Kane.

Cinco De Mayo Celebration w/ Los Matadores

Promo time by the matadors! They did a bad comedy bit, then Torito was throwing candy into the crowd until 3MB cut in. Tonight, they are TresMB. Heath Slater wanted a truce. As the two teams spoke back and forth, the announcers completely mocked everything. Torito offered some candy to Hornswoggle, which was not accepted. A brawl broke out, still while the announcers were laughing and having “fun.” Eventually, Hornswoggle was left alone with the Matadors  Torito gored Hornswoggle’s ass to end the segment. JBL called the a brewing rivalry. JUST NOW BREWING? Fuck.

Alexander Rusev beat Kofi Kingston with the accolade.

Daniel Bryan is afraid to death of getting beat up by the guy he beat up last night.

Backstage, super geek Daniel Bryan was walking nervously in the parking lot with Brie. He put Brie in their car, then took forever to get into the driver seat as he looked around for Kane. Kane, by the way, the guy that Bryan BEAT UP LAST NIGHT. When Bryan finally got into the car, there was a camera inside looking forward from the backseat. Because, you know, it’s fake. Stephanie peaked in through the passenger side window to remind Bryan that he has a match tonight, so he can’t leave yet. SHE WAS THE ONE WHO OFFERED HIM THE CAR TO LEAVE! That evil wench. Stephanie told Bryan that if he left right now, he’d be in breach of contract, and he would lose the WWE Championship. She wished him luck in his match and walked off. Daniel and Brie both got out of the car, presumably for their date with misery upcoming. Here’s a question, why didn’t Brie just drive back to the hotel in the car while Bryan wrestled? Bryan can’t book another car? Or is Bryan afraid that Kane would be waiting at the hotel for her. He is evil, but…

Why the hell is Bryan so scared? Like, you have to see this to view how Bryan was portrayed. So gross. Bryan was crippled last week, nearly, and still wasn’t this scared of Kane. But now, fresh off of beating Kane up so bad that he had a good three minutes to drive him into the ring without incident, Bryan is frightened like a little girl. They tried to play it like Bryan was just worried for Brie, but that is not how it played out in action. And if that is the case, just hide Brie with someone Bryan trusts. Like Nikki and John.

So, anyway, who was this all important match against? Alberto Del Rio.

Daniel Bryan defeated Alberto Del Rio via Yes! Lock. A gutsy performance, Michael Cole called this. Bryan, lost in the moment, was celebrating his win with Brie when Kane’s music and pyro went off. Bryan, a genius, ran up the ramp with Brie to escape. They ran backstage to their awaiting car, but THE CAR WON’T START!!!! Bryan, still a genius, opened the hood and found an unplugged wire. An unplugged wire is the best he came up with. When Daniel closed the hood, Kane was in the car grabbing at Brie. Bryan got Kane out of the car, and the two fought to the roof of the small vehicle.

Then it got good. And by good, I mean awful. So, remember, the car wouldn’t start because of an “unplugged wire.” A wire, by the way, we never really saw Bryan fix. And if he did ‘fix’ it, it was impressively fast and he’s quite handy. So, anyway, they’re fighting on the top of the car, barely. Bryan gives a weak kick to Kane WHICH STUNS HIM! Bryan gets off the car and back inside as Kane is laying belly down on the hood of the car. The car has a moon roof, so naturally, Kane recoveres to reach in and weakly grab at Bryan’s hair as the car is motionless. Bryan is trying to start the car now with Kane reaching in. Kane has plenty of time to just get off the car and go for Bryan, but whatever. The car, after the miracle handy work of Bryan, now starts! So Bryan guns it, while Kane falls from the roof off camera. Daniel, driving maybe 20 feet, stops the car and gets out. The camera pans back to Kane who is laying perfectly still, prone, on the floor. Bryan looks worried, like he somehow killed Kane. BUT NO! Kane sits up while Bryan rushes back to the car as he and Brie take off.

Daniel Bryan should be stripped of the championship for being a scaredy cat.

Back from break, they recapped what we just saw. Lawler finished by asking, “Can anything stop Kane?”  YEAH, FUCKING DANIEL BRYAN CAN. AND DID. But now, he’s a geek again.

Intercontinental Championship Rematch

Bad News told the crowd to get cosmetic surgery, so they can look better and be worthy of a champion like Bad News Barrett. Bad News beat Big E with the bullhammer elbow to retain his newly won championship.

John Cena responds to Bray Wyatt tomorrow night on WWE Main Event.

They showed a video montage of Mr. T, wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day. So far, the best thing on this shit show.

Zeb’s Deportation List & Adam Rose

Zeb took offense to Cinco de Mayo. He said today is May the 5th. Zeb wants to deport Emma and her wacky dancing. He wants to deport Paige and Sheamus for being too white. Too white, yep. Interrupting Zeb’s list is the newest star of WWE Raw…. Future future endeavor wishee, Adam Rose. He danced to the ring with his entourage as Zeb looked on dumbfounded. The crowd tried to sing along to the theme song, but was only half hearted. Adam told Zeb to be a Rosebud. Swagger took offense, charged, but failed as Rose tossed him over the rope and out of the ring. Adam then danced with his entourage in the ring. Some debut. Oh, but it isn’t over. Michael Cole was dancing at ringside which was super not cool. There were people bobbing their heads in the crowd to the music, but Rose has a lot of proving himself to do.

The Shield vs The Wyatt Family

Have to admit… I’m tired. This show was draining, and not because of how exciting it was. This was every Shield vs Wyatts match you’ve seen until the finish, when Reigns had Bray prone but was interrupted by Evolution. The Shield, together in the ring, awaited Evolution’s entrance into the ring. However, the Wyatts ran in and attacked the Shield. AIN’T NO PROBLEM. Shield fought off all six guys rather easily. Reigns landed a superman punch on Triple H off camera, but Bray Wyatt was there to take out Roman with Sister Abigail for the pinfall. Yep, pinfall after all the interference. Maybe I missed where this was a No DQ match, but I never saw it announced as one.

Evolution was pissed at being so easily taken care of, so they rushed back in after the pinfall and decimated the Shield. Evolution delivered a trio powerbomb to Roman Reigns, after both a pedigree and RKO, to end the decimation. Cole tried to sell it as taking 6 men to lay out the Shield. Roman was bleeding from the mouth and that was the show.

I wonder if Roman will be hiding and nervously wandering about on next week’s Raw.

Payback looks to be pretty much the same card as Extreme Rules at this point.

This week’s grade: D

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