WWE Legends House TV report: Game Show Madness

By Ron Lingron

From Palm Springs:

The gang goes to morning breakfast, and Mean Gene says it's nice to get away from the house because certain people can get annoying while insinuating it's Jimmy Hart. Gene is surprised there wasn't anything attached to the breakfast like a task or something, because Gene was expecting "a shot to the crotch area" instead of a normal breakfast.

They get back home to Ashley in a shiny dress, so beautiful.......and I drift off for a moment. Back on task, the house is set up like The Newlywed Game, and teams are separated by how the sleeping arrangement is. Mean Gene and Tony Atlas are a team as are Piper and Duggan. Jimmy Hart and Hillbilly Jim are team 3 and the final team is Patterson and Finkel. Your host of the gameshow is some dude I've never heard of before who is about as recognizable as a "celebrity" as I am at this point of my career, maybe a little less.

The questions start in typical Newlywed Game style and Piper and Duggan immediately start cheating, whispering answers under their breaths. Atlas and Okerlund show surprising knowledge and get the questions right despite them not cheating. Hart reacts to a question at just the right time to tip off Hillbilly Jim to the chagrin of the rest of the legends at one point. Finkel and Patterson play it straight but suck at it.

Piper and Duggan are caught cheating at one point by Hart, a stink is made, but no penalties are handed out as they just keep playing the game and Piper in cutaways admits to cheating, but who really cares. This gets way too drawn out, coming down to the final question, which is the payoff. Piper and Duggan cheated their way to first place and the final question involves the "one thing you cannot live without". Piper out and out writes down the answer on his hand and flashes it to Duggan, who doesn't have his glasses on and mis-reads "wife" for "life". Duggan says "life", which leads to them getting busted for cheating. Patterson: "How can you not live without life?" Piper fesses up and shows how he tried to give Duggan the answer but he can't see shit without his glasses. Obviously, Duggan and Piper don't win in the end. Hart and Jim do win, however, and win a tennis lesson worth $229, which makes me both excited to not win this "prize" and glad I never took up tennis as it looks like if I was as bad as Jim was, I'd never have fun playing it.

Piper announces he's got to leave for a couple days for an autograph signing, and Duggan on a cutaway says he'll be like a lost puppy because he has no other friends in the house. The next morning, Duggan is indeed missing Piper, to the point of running to the phone and answering it hoping it's Piper on the other end. Patterson ribs him a little asking if he's falling in love with Piper. Duggan leaves a message on Piper's voicemail, and Gene in a cutaway calls Duggan "a lost child. He doesn't know what to do or have anyone to talk to." Duggan finally admits he's been away from his family the same amount of time and it's Piper that got him choked up in sort of a "what's wrong with me?" moment.

A knock on the door the next morning and it's Shawn Michaels on the other side of the door, and here I'll digress a touch. Michaels, for as much as he was a dick while at his heights in the WWE with his drug problems, selfishness and such, gets a great reception from everyone in the house and legit hugs and welcomes from everyone under the roof showing he was universally respected despite his shortcomings. Michaels is going to take them fishing for the day. Cutaway to Gene saying he can't wait to sit in a boat with Patterson to see how he handles a rod...pause.........and reel.

Gene asks Michaels if he wants to be in the Legends House for a month and Michaels says he'd have been strangled by now, and no. No one is catching any fish, but finally Finkel, who has never caught a fish before, pulls up a tree branch. Patterson does catch one, and channels his inner Rock: "Finally! The fish has come to Patterson." Duggan catches one, but drops it back into the lake on accident, and Hillbilly Jim catches the biggest fish of the day. Michaels sums it up in a cutaway saying you don't necessarily have to catch a fish when you go out fishing because being with buddies is what it's all about in the end.

Gene starts cleaning the fish while back at the Legends House, and Hart interjects with some criticism/nervousness, which pisses Gene off. Gene tells him to answer the phone in Los Angeles. Hilarity follows until Hart finally makes Gene go off the deep end, and Okerlund, in perfect enunciation, tells him to "Get the f*** out of here." Cutaway to Gene and he says "after awhile with Hart..." and mocks shooting himself. More cutaways to Gene calling Jimmy "an expert in everything...let's be candid. He's a pain in the ass. For him to mock me while cleaning fish, he's a piece of garbage." At this point, I'm nearly in tears again. Gene is so far the best in the house because you never know when he's in or out of character. He's played it so perfectly, maybe it's just him.

Gene and Shawn share a good moment, and Shawn philosophizes about how you should tell everyone how you feel about them because you never know. After a career of fending for yourself like wrestling, it's nice to see them open up to each other and let each other in.

Michaels says his goodbyes, and everyone is happy and we are out.

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