COUGHLIN: UFC on FOX LIVE REPORT OF AWESOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



UFC on FOX from CHICAGO Live Report

January 26, 2013

By: Mike Coughlin (who is awesome)

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Howdy. This is the LIVE AND IN PERSON coverage of the UFC on FOX show from tonight. You are probably watching this on TV, because it's free. But, if you're not, this here coverage is for you. As I tend to do, if you want to know the quick results, free of my inane commentary, just scroll to the bottom. Now then, enjoy.

 

*FIGHT ONE* (Facebook)

David Mitchell vs. Simeon Thoresen

Mitchell came out to Sweet Home Chicago. I always figured someone would use that some day. And that Kanye song with the dude from Coldplay.

Thoresen is from Norway. He shall be referred to as Thor now.

Round One

Mitchell is finding god distance with his jab early. Seems ot be now landing a straight lead right decently. Notice that I'm hedging my language because I'll look stupid when he gets KO'd. They both exchange good right hands. Thor lands some HAMMERing punches. Hammer. Backed up Mitchell and did damage for sure. They are just standing in the pocket swinging and the crowd is quite appreciative. Mitchell with a great lead uppercut. Crowd says "OOOH!" Really good round that was close. Mitchell controlled more but Thor had that one series that seemed to be the most damaging.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Mitchell

Round Two

Mitchell comes out hard, landing tons of shots. Thor is hurt. He falls. Mitchell jumps on the back but he's a little high. Now he's not as high. Thor is trying to wiggle out. Mitchell thought about an arm triangle but let it go. He's on top, in Thor's guard, pounding well. Thor throws up legs for an armbar, but Mitchell avoids easily. Mitchell stands up briefly, then comes back down. He's being active but Thor is also getting time to recover. Mitchell falls back for a leg lock. They scramble up. Thor with a takedown now. Half way through the round now and Mitchell has a gogoplata but Thor pulls out (childish laugh). Mitchell with good up kicks. Thor has been on top for a minute and done nothing. Mitchell with a triangle attempt but Thor dives out, but in turn ends up on the bottom.

Mike Score's (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Mitchell

Doctor is really looking at Thor. Mitchell is Hulking up with the crowd. Doctor is talking to Herb Dean. Thor is up. Will Odinson fight? They've had like 57 minutes between rounds now. Here we go!

Round Three

Mitchell sense blood (which is on Thor's face) and is out aggressive. He's in with the clinch against the fence and Couture-ing He Who Holds Mjolnir. Brief stop as they fix Thor's glove-tape. Mitchell lands good shots and Thor misses a kick. Mitchell with the takedown and Thor has three minutes to call down the thunder. Mitchell is tired and went to a knee off a Thor kick. Thor with a takedown now. Mitchell with a triangle. Thor is in pure defense and Mitchell is hitting him with some relatively light shots but the crowd is going ape-spit for this. Thor passes and is looking for the mount. He has a minute. Mitchell working for an omaplata. He won't get it but it's stalling Thor which is more important.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Mitchell

OFFICIAL RESULT: David Mitchell d. Simeon Thoresen (Unanimous Decision, 30-27)

 

Now, onto FX.

*FIGHT TWO*

Rafael Natal vs. Sean Spencer

ROUND ONE

Eye poke early by Natal. Obviously he did it on purpose. Now the doctor is checking the eye. Goodness gracious. The doctor is holding up fingers and the whole crowd is chanting how many are being held up. That was great. He's ok. We can be violent now. Good right from Spencer. And another one. He's looking quicker and dare is say more ... athletic. Natal is winging punches. Natal slips but when he got up got punched. In the face, no less. Natal with a good right. Spencer looking for a takedown but Natal using a whizzer to keep it up. Natal with a spinning back fist, a right hand that leads to a takedown, now he has a mount. Ground and pound. Spencer is in trouble as the round comes to a close.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Natal

ROUND TWO

Spencer misses a kick that would've been cool had it landed. Spencer's focus seems to be on the straight right, which was working for him. Well, until Natal just took him down. Spencer tried to wall walk but, nope, he did it. Good for him. Natal just drops his head and bulls in, controlling Spender against the cage. Natal with an outside trip and gets Spencer down. If this sounds exciting, that's because I'm great - because this round isn't. Natal is on top but doing nothing. This should get stood up soon. Spencer tries to stand up, but Natal counters and looks to take the back - and does. He has 20 seconds to finish. He has a choke ... almost. Finish of the round was fun.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Natal

ROUND THREE

Spencer stuffs a takedown to start the round. But he doesn't stuff the second one. Natal is in side control. Natal has a crucifix - he's gonna Jesus him! Dropping elbows now. Crowd is really good and reacting to anything and hasn't booed a bit. Natal wanted a keylock, but no dice. Still has him Jesus'd. Another keylock, he uses it to mount, still wrenching it. OUCH! No tap. Now an arm triangle and ... TAP!

OFFICIAL RESULT: Rafael Natal d. Sean Spencer (Submission, arm triangle, R3)

 

*FIGHT THREE*

Shawn Jordan vs. Mike Russow

"I hurt myself today..." may not be the best lyric to come out to for a fight where the other guy also wants to hurt you. Because it makes the opponent's job easier. Because that's a bad joke. And Russow is out to "Simple Man." So, we have a cutter v. a 'tard (shocking lack of appropriate language there). I'll be here all night, folks.

ROUND ONE

Russow with some excellent right hands early. Jordan is in real trouble. Russow's instincts are to go for the takedown though but Jordan is defending well and clearing the cobwebs as a result. Another good right and against Jordan is hurt. He's wobbly, Russow slips behind, punches a bit, tries to drag Jordan down but it isn't working. Jordan's hands are low and, yup, right hand lands from Russow. Russow WILL get a takedown and HE DOES! But Jordan literally does a backward roll out of it. Russow with a cradle attempt. They clinch/man hug. Jordan lands some good short shots inside. Clearly Russow's round though.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Russow (almost 10-8)

ROUND TWO

Jordan coming out stronger to start the 2nd. Good lead uppercut. Russow gets poked in the eye. He'll likely be blind for life. Poor guy.

Jordan lands some punches and has Russow backing up. These fatsos are swinging. Jordan with a series of lefts and Russow is hurt. Jordan with a takedown, now mount, and Russow is turning his back. Should probably train with Daniel Wanderley at Counterstrike MMA to avoid that. (oss!)(how blatant a shill is that?) Russow escapes but Jordan has one hand down to prevent a knee. This looks so, so cowardly, even though it's legal and al that. F the law, man. Jordan trying the takedown and gets it. Methinks Russow is gassed and ain't gonna do well going forward. But, plans change. No, they don't. Russow turtles and gets pounded. TKO.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Shawn Jordan d. Mike Russow (TKO, Ground and Pound R2)

 

*FIGHT FOUR*

Ryan Bader vs. Vladimir Matyushenko

Janitor coming out to I think Motorhead. Will he hold down Bader? Get it? Hold. Down. Like HHH (who also has Motorhead music) holds down talent. Bader out to "Running with the Devil." Know who is the devil? Cyclops, from the X-Men. I'd shoot him in the face if he was real. Sometimes, I punch my comic books I hate him so much. (Dave is doing his own thing on the site, so read that if you find me to be as annoying as my mother does.) Know who isn't annoying, Mike Sawyer. Hi, Mike! (Actually, he is, but he's bigger than me, so I'll make nice.) I hope I look as good at 40 as Vladdy does. Or when I turn 30, next month, on the 11th (you can send me a gift if you want).

ROUND ONE

Bader with a big punch early that drops the Janitor. Now he's looking for an arm-in guillotine. He scoops his hips to the side, gets the angle, and that's all she wrote.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Ryan Bader d. Vladimir Matyushenko (Submission, guillotine, R1)

Ahem. Bader certainly CLEANED UP in that fight.

 

*FIGHT FIVE (star radio)*

Pascal Krauss vs. Mike Stumpf

ROUND ONE

Pascal with a sharp jab early. He's keeping it simple with his punches. Stumpy with kicks. Stumpf with a takedown, Krauss keeping his hips square and then he stands up. Krauss with a sneaky uppercut. He's establishing himself much better on the feet. Pascal with a half-assed shot. Krauss is simply a better striker. No great need to say more than that. Then he front kicks Stumpf in the face for good measure, making me look smart. Nice uppercut momentarily drops Stumpf, who shoots with a desperate takedown that Krauss is fighting to stop with all his might and self-worth.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Krauss

ROUND TWO

Krauss may be the first person I've ever seen throw a Superman uppercut. And he throws it a lot. And lands it every time. Notice that it isn't a Cyclops punch, because then the punch would suck. Krauss goes for a takedown, which was dumb because Stumpf switched and got a takedown of his own. Way to go, Germany. Krauss uses the underhook to stand up. Now he lands a short elbow on the inside. He's just battering Stumpsy. Stumpy-san's answer is to throw wildly and then shoot like a baboon. None of that worked, because monkeys aren't good at MMA. Krauss with knees from the Greco-clinch.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Krauss

Just wanted Dr. Keith to know that the food was great and they have the best freaking little cupcakes ever. The steak diane wasn't half bad either. Potatoes were good. But, yeah, those cupcakes. Good stuff.

ROUND THREE

Krauss has Stump backed against the cage and is unloading on him with punches and other assorted strikes. His jab and non-Cyclops punch has really been the story. More unloading. Stumpy can take a punch. That's about it. Mr. Pascal Krauss is just picking Mr. Mike Stumpf apart. Crowd is chanting "Mikey." I'll bet that doesn't help. It didn't. Stumpf tried a last ditch suicide-throw-take-down, but it failed. Krauss is on top and unless something uber dramatic happens, he'll win. (Uber, because he's German.)

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Krauss

OFFICIAL RESULT: Pascal Krauss d. Mike Stumpf (Unanimous Decision)

 

Guida v Hioki is up next. This could be short, as Guida gets subbed, or exciting, or boring. One of those. Good show so far though.

*FIGHT SIX*

Clay Guida vs. Hatsu Hioki

Hioki has some sorta J-Pop sounding music. For a second I thought it was Guida's, which would've been grand. Anyways - and I know this will be a surprise - but Guida is REALLY popular here. We're talking Hogan in Toronto, GSP in Montreal, or OJ Simpson in LA levels of popularity.

OMG: I MUSTACHE GUIDA ABOUT HIS CHOICE OF FACIAL HAIR. I'll shave it for later.

ROUND ONE

Guida is having issues with Hioki's length early on. Takedown by Clay. Crowd goes nuts. But, Hioki has a great guard, so this could be dangerous. Triangle attempt, Guida escapes, Hioki tries to get up but Guida forces him down. Hioki trying to take the back. Now, Hioki sprawls to his feet. Crowd cheers, but Clay should be losing this round. He did nothing with the takedown and has been out-hit.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Hioki

ROUND TWO

GUIDA WITH A RUNNING SLAM AND THE CROWD GOES APE-BANANAS! Hioki trying a switch. This crowd is deafening for Guida. Hioki trying a kimura, because he has a good guard. Now he's setting up the triangle, maybe an armbar. Dude is mad-flexible. Guida slams him. Guida lands a single punch from inside the guard. A few more hammerfists now. Some elbows. He's keeping active enough to keep it grounded. Until now, as the ref stands them. You know they like Clay when the crowd boos a standup. High kick by Hioki. Round ends. Closer for sure.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Guida

ROUND THREE

Takedown from Clay to start. Hioki controlling a wrist, triangle, Guida slam. Another triangle from the other side now. Guida forces his shoulders through to be safe. Big elbow from Guida. Guida to half-guard. (Or as some Brazilians say "Half-Gward") Hioki regains full guard. Half butterfly, looking to stand up now. Guida having none of it. He's sneaking away with this round. Hioki was half-way up, then Guida kneed him in the gut. Now they're down. Hioki with a switch attempt, but Guida says nada. Crowd is half-booing/half-cheering. Standup gets ... cheered. Right hand by Clay.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Guida (29-28, Guida)

OFFICIAL RESULT: Clay Guida d. Hatsu Hioki (Split Decision)

 

*FIGHT SEVEN*

T.J. Grant vs. Matt Wiman

I was just given a homemade cookie by a reporter here in press row. That was unexpected. Wiman appears to have a 12 year old girl in his corner. 'sup, Eamo. Wiman also looks to have no sponsors at all.

ROUND ONE

They've both landed a decent shot to the body early. Wiman is, not surprisingly, being the aggressor. Grant is a bit crisper and more accurate with his counterpunches. Wiman backing up and grants corner yelled "he's hurt." Wiman dives for a single but Grant sprawls and now has his back. He lands some good punches there and Wiman turtles in response. Wiman with a weak armbar attempt. Grant stuffs his way to side control but Wiman regains full guard and now we're on the feet. Grant with two solid elbows from the clinch. Now two more, and Wiman is down and out cold. Brutal stuff.

OFFICIAL RESULT: T.J. Grant d. Matt Wiman (KO, R1)

 

*********************MAIN CARD********************

Before we get on to the main free show (well, FX was also free)(and so was Facebook), let me publicly say how much I love the UFC. It can do no wrong. Ever. Dana White? Freaking genius. Ronda Rousey? Maybe the most mainstream and marketable human being ever. This sport used to be in smoke-filled back alleys but not anymore. Now, it is on Fox, the same network with fifteen offshoots of Family Guy: A real network. I love you, UFC. I will marry you and carry your babies to full term. Or, I'll abort them right at the end, if you change your mind. Whatever you want.

 

*FIGHT EIGHT*

Erik Koch vs. Ricardo Lamas

Koch should have glow sticks.

ROUND ONE

Lamas comes out with some Chun-Li looking kicks. They worked and Koch is dead. Koch throwing a bunch of high kicks that are being blocked. Lamas shoots, which was kind of expected, because that's what he does. Kick with a good sprawl. Crowd booing. Lamas really trying for this takedown but he ain't getting it. Yet. Koch breaks away. Good kick. Koch a bit more aggressive now with his strikes; letting his hands go. Lamas finally gets a takedown but, nope, Koch back up. Just a nothing wrong really. Lamas failed at what he tried. Koch didn't really land much, but he landed something, I guess.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Koch

ROUND TWO

Koch is just a touch short on his straight left. Koch slips in a right. Lamas with a hook. Just trading isolated shots here. Lamas slips, Koch tries to pounce, but overdoes it and Lamas ends up on top. Fail by Koch. Lamas with some solid ground and pound. Crowd comes alive and Koch is in big trouble. Huge elbows. Big John stops it!

OFFICIAL RESULT: Ricardo Lamas d. Erik Koch (TKO, R2)

 

*FIGHT NINE*

Donald Cerrone vs. Anthony Pettis (YAY!)

ROUND ONE

Pettis landing good short hooks early. Tries a fancy kick (no bueno). Pettis is noticeably quicker to start. Good body shot via kick by Pettis. He tried his kicked but failed miserably. Ha. Big BIIIIIIG liver kick and Cerrone is down and it is over. That was brutal beyond belief.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Anthony Pettis d. Donald Cerrone (KO, R1)

 

*FIGHT TEN*

Quinton Jackson vs. Glover Teixeira

Rampage's music certainly has a lot of bass to it. I have just been informed that February 5th, which is my brother's birthday, has NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY! I'm sure this appeals to many people. Not me. I hate them. Waffles or death (or French toast). Helluva report this is.

ROUND ONE

Tex with an early takedown. He has Rampage's back. Flattened him out. Rampage stands and people cheer. High kick by Tex. Wild left hook by 'Page. These guys are swinging hard. Rampage lands a glancing left, then fails on a takedown and gets caught with a left hook for his troubles. Left hook catches Rampage's temple and he's down for a second. Tex is stalking Rampage, just walking him down like it's easy. Rampage firing off some jabs as he circles to his left.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Teixeira

ROUND TWO

Tex with a power takedown early to start off the second. Half-guard. Rampage underhook, probably gonna stand up. Tex slides through and passes the guard and is dropping elbows and punches, but Rampage stands. Uppercut from Jackson. More uppercuts from the clinch from Rampage. Tex with a good combo that finished with a left hook to the body. Series of big uppercuts from Tex. Rampage with a four punch combo. Glover misses a kick, Rampage mocks him, and they trade hard shots back and forth. Energy is picking up. BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP! A long time ago, Rampage learned to duck down and come up with a left hook. He has since done pretty much just that for his career. Rampage has his hands down and Tex is landing better, but Rampage with some punches of his own. It's a bit sloppy but they're winging punches.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Teixeira

ROUND THREE

Both guys are picking up where they left off, with wild hard punches coming from each man. "Let's go, Rampage" chants. Tex continues to press forward. He gets a takedown and the crowd boos. They clearly want Rampage to win, but Tex is on top and landing some good elbows. Rampage may be too gassed to get up. Or not, as he's beginning to wall walk and he's up! They're just trading HUGE punches. If this is his last UFC fight, Rampage is going out on his shield and certainly isn't mailing it in. Rampage uppercut barely misses. Tex with a blistering series of punches, but Rampage lands a right hand in return. A lot of these punches would've finished other men. Rampage's hands are down; he's tired, Tex with knees in the clinch. 90 seconds to go. 30 seconds remaining now and Tex gets a takedown. Mount. Ground and pound. I don't think he's gonna finish Rampage, not with only ten seconds remaining. One gol darned good fight.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Teixeira

OFFICIAL RESULT: Glover Teixeira d. Quinton Jackson (Unanimous Decision)

 

**MAIN EVENT, for the Flyweight World Championship**

(unofficially an iron man match)

Demetrious Johnson vs. John Dodson

ROUND ONE

High kick by Johnson, blocked, Dodson semi-slams him off it. Dodson with a left. Johnson with a takedown. Dodson pushing with all his might to get up. Johnson lands a right hook. A lot of twitching.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Johnson

ROUND TWO

Dodson landing some counters early. Johnson takedown. Dodson looking to standup. He does. He moves away. Crowd actually claps. Punch by Johnson snaps Dodson's head back, but Dodson answers with a punch that drops Johnson. Johnson is back up. Dodson with another punch that drops Johnson. Crowd is kinda buzzing now. Johnson is chasing and reaching. Crowd claps as the round ends.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Dodson

ROUND THREE

Johnson runs into a knee as he fails on a takedown. Dodson got hit in the groin somehow. Crowd booed a man having balls. Dodson with a flying knee that at least looked cool. Good combo from Johnson lands. Johnson with a takedown and control. He lands an elbow but Dodson is already getting ready to stand. But Johnson pinches the lower back off the clinch and gets another takedown. Inside Dodson's full guard, but Dodson stands. Johnson again trying for a takedown.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Johnson

ROUND FOUR

Johnson with a takedown and immediately he hops to side control, but, of course, Dodson gets up. Johnson lands an illegal knee, but barely. Doctors are checking on him. Oh, come on. That barely touched him. Crowd ain't happy at all. Left hand by Dodson lands. Johnson trying for another takedown. Crowd is starting to get restless. Johnson with knees in the clinch. Johnson kneeing the body from a semi-cradle position. Crowd is kind of liking this. More Thai-clinch knees from Johnson. Crowd is again clapping. Fight is much better than I think a lot expected.

Mike's Score (which is obviously infallible): 10-9 Johnson

ROUND FIVE

Crowd is quite lively. Johnson takedown. I'll bet Dodson stands up. Aaaaand... Yup. Johnson just kind of half pulled guard in mid-air, balanced his back against the cage, and landed elbows to the top of Dodson's head. That was a first. Dodson with a takedown, but, guess what? Yeah. Johnson stood up. Johnson has Dodson hurt now. Landing good shots agains the cage from a clinch. Shot to the body. Shot to the head. This is good stuff.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Demetrious Johnson d. John Dodson (Unanimous Decision) Retains Flyweight World Title

 

 

******FINAL RESULTS******

 

PRELIMINARY (Facebook)

  • David Mitchell d. Simeon Thoresen (Unanimous Decision)

PRELIMINARY (FX)

  • Rafael Natal d. Sean Spencer (Submission, arm triangle, R3)

  • Shawn Jordan d. Mike Russow (TKO, Ground and Pound R2)

  • Ryan Bader d. Vladimir Matyushenko (Submission, guillotine, R1)

  • Pascal Krauss d. Mike Stumpf (Unanimous Decision)

  • Clay Guida d. Hatsu Hioki (Split Decision)

  • T.J. Grant d. Matt Wiman (KO, R1)

MAIN (FOX)

  • Ricardo Lamas d. Erik Koch (TKO, R2)

  • Anthony Pettis d. Donald Cerrone (KO, R1)

  • Glover Teixeira d. Quinton Jackson (Unanimous Decision)

  • Demetrious Johnson d. John Dodson (Unanimous Decision), Retains Flyweight World Title

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